


Nobody, not even the rain

by Junia



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Doctor Clarke, F/M, Fake Marriage, Friends to Lovers, Minor Minty, Pining Clarke, Roommates, minor sea mechanic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-09-21 14:56:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 123,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9553622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Junia/pseuds/Junia
Summary: "This is absurd, you aware of that? And illegal," he pointed out with an uncertain expression before adding, "And you're gonna regret it first thing in the morning." Clarke laughed. Maybe. Ok, committing insurance fraud by marrying a literal stranger would probably bite her back in the ass one day but saving a life was worth it a thousand timesOr, the one in which Clarke marries a stranger to save his life and it turns hers upside down. (Falling in love with him was never part of the deal.)





	1. Ready to fall

**Author's Note:**

> Midly inspired by Teddi and Henry‘s story from Grey‘s Anatomy. I promise it does not the end the way theirs does and differs completely after the first two chapters. 
> 
> Title: Nobody, not even the rain - la dispute

 

_Clarke griffin was smart. Always had been. It's just that sometimes she had the tendency to do stupid things because of her big heart. Marrying a patient so that he could get health insurance was definitely one of those stupid things ~~that were good intended.~~_

* * *

 

 Today was one of those days where it seemed like the universe just wanted Clarke to suffer. Her patients were unusually uncooperative, her collegues assholes and the paper work completely off the charts. It was a miracle she didn't assist in any surgeries today because someone would had died _for sure_. No kidding. And there was no better way to top such a stupid day with a death in the OR.

After two long hours of stitching people up in the emergency room, she finally retreated to the cafeteria to grab a bite. The table she decided to sit at was unoccupied besides another intern and one of her few friends at the hospital: Lexa. The woman was reading a patient file when Clarke joined her with a heavy sigh.

"Hard day?"

"Yes," Clarke replied before taking a sip of the tomato soup in front of her. "Oh my god, I'm starving."

Lexa looked up and gave her a quick sympathetic glance before diving straight back into work. "This so called food here isn't any help, though."

"Tell me about it. What are you reading?"

"I have a patient who needs a heart transplant. It would be the first time I could assist on one of those," Lexa told her with wide eyes but then her gaze dropped and she sighed.

"But?" Clarke inquired. Seeing the brunette's disappointed face told her that this awesome surgery was not going to happen.

"He hasn't got medical insurance. So no surgery for me."

It was sadly not too seldom that patients didn't get their treatment because of no insurance. Fortunately, Clarke had never gotten such case herself. It was straight out heartbreaking to her that these people would literally die because of what? Because they didn't have enough money? In what world did people deserve to get their right treatment denied just because they weren't able to afford an insurance?

Suddenly Clarke's appetite disappeared. 

"Isn't there anything you can do?" she asked. Sometimes if they got enough people on the board, the doctors could make a pro bono surgery happen. 

Lexa shook her head and took a sip of her coffee: "I have to talk to Indra yet but I doubt that there's anything we can do."

Indra was the chief surgeon of cardiology at duke raleigh and one of the sharpest and best surgeon's Clarke had ever known. Lexa had the honor to be her personal favorite trainee at the medical program. Clarke instead, she didn't like so much.

"That's a shame. How long does he have?" she wanted to know. 

"A few weeks, months perhaps."

_How do you tell someone that they will die in a month although it could be so easily fixed? That they could get a treatment but won't because they can't afford it? How do you tell someone they will die because of money?_

-

Clarke was tired. The last break she had, where she chatted with lexa, was 4 hours ago and her shift would only end in another hour so the best solution was to get coffee. While she was walking to the vending machine, her phone buzzed. It was a text from her mom. Something about a charity event she would have to attend when she would fly back home to washington DC in two weeks. She decided to respond later.

Going around the corner, she almost ran into a girl who was holding a cup of tea in hands that were shaking because she was crying really hard. Although tears were streaming down her face, Clarke couldn't help but notice that she was still looking stunningly beautiful. 

It wasn't rare to see people crying working at a hospital. In fact, she saw people cry all the time: when she told them bad news, when she told them good news or when mothers saw their new borns. That was the most beautiful thing of all: tears of joy. But this girl or perhaps young woman was shaken to the core and even though she tried to keep a strong facade, her utter sadness and heartbreak was unmistakable.

Clarke didn't like to invade people's privacy, especially since she didn't like people seeing her cry herself but something told her that this certain young woman needed someone. Just for a moment.

"Hey, do you need anything?" she asked softly as she placed her right hand on the girl's shoulder. _She figured it was better than to ask if she was alright since she obviously wasn't._

 The brunette slowly shook her head. Another tear dropped on the ground. "No. I'm - I'm fine," she answered but her voice cracked at the end.

"You're far from fine," Clarke pointed out with the tiniest hint of a smile. She didn't want to sound rude or mocking. "Should I perhaps call someone for you? Or get you somewhere to sit in quiet?"

The girl searched her face for a few moments, deciding whether to trust or not. 

"No," she eventually said. "I'm the only one he has. I'm his only - " another sob escaped her mouth and she buried her face in her hands. Her chest started to rise faster, her breathing hitching.

"He? Your boyfriend?" Clarke tried to get her to think about something else rather than whatever painful thing she was facing at the moment. Maybe talking about the person itself would help. "What's his name?"

Another head-shaking.

"My brother."

"What's your brother's name?"

"Bell," the girl whispered. "His name is Bellamy."

"Okay, that's good. Bellamy is beautiful name. Where does it come from?" 

"I don't know. He is the history geek, not me." A sad smile tugged on her lips but at least her breathing had stabilized and her crying, too. The distraction apparently worked.

Clarke returned the smile and softly rubbed her shoulder. "Okay, that's good, too." It was quiet for a second, the other woman had her eyes closed just breathing in and out.

"I'm Clarke by the way," she said after a beat and held out her hand.

The brunette took it shakily before saying: "I'm Octavia."

_Octavia. Apparently their family liked extraordinary names._

"Okay, Octavia. Why don't we go and sit for a sec?"

Octavia nodded and followed Clarke to the nearest seating possibility a few steps away. She waited some time before she started speaking.

"My brother is dying. His heart - it's broken or something, I didn't understand when they told me-" Clarke huffed out a small laugh. "- so he needs a new one. But he can't because he isn't medically insured and we simply don't have the money so he - he will just die?!" Her eyes got weg again and it all came crashing back down. 

Clarke realised with wide eyes that this was Lexa's patient they had been talking about earlier and now she was sitting with the sister and she couldn't get a word because there simply wasn't anything she could say that would make it okay. Nothing.

"I'm so sorry," the blonde woman eventually croaked out. It was a pathetic attempt.

"His whole life he took care of me and now _he_ is sick and _he_ needs care and _I just can't help him_!" Octavia continued with a desperate voice. Her body was shaking again.

Clarke reached out to her and touched her arm: "Octavia, listen to me. I will do something, okay? We won't let your brother just die, you hear me?"

With quivering lips, the brunette gradually nodded. " _Please, help him. I can't lose him_."

Somewhere deep in Clarke's guts she knew her promise was unfair but in that moment she didn't seem enough to care. 

 

-

Clarke Griffin knew that she was born with priviliges a lot of people didn't have unlike her. Her family was wealthy to say the least. Her mother was the chief of one of the top hospitals in washington DC and her father an engineer for NASA and on top of that, their anchestors were some big political people which ensured them really advanced connections. 

Although she was on top of her class during college and could have easily landed in some of the best medical programms in the US, especially with her mother's influence, Clarke decided to move to north carolina. Perhaps she wanted to prove that she was just as good as a doctor without her mother's help or perhaps she just wanted to have a fresh start somewhere else. A blank page. A new chapter with new stories and new people. In the end it didn't matter why she left, she did and it felt good. Like the sunrise after a terrible night storm. Fresh wind.

It didn't change the fact, though, that her name would stay with her. She was still the daughter of Abby Griffin and people still somehow managed to make up their opinion on her before having ever met her. But that was okay, after everything her life had served her with opportunities and chances, the least thing she could do was work her ass off to get recognized as a real surgeon.

That's what she did with Indra Tri, Dr. Tri and now she was hoping that the woman had enough respect for her to hear her out and give her - no, to give Bellamy, a dying man, a chance to _live_.

 

-

 

"I was hoping you could talk to Dr. Kane about this. He listens to you, Dr. Tri."

Indra Tri hadn't even bothered to stop walking when Clarke had approached her but it wasn't anything she hadn't already expected. At least, she had heard her out  while she had simultaneously filled out paper work on her charts and greeted collegues and patients with silent nods. 

When the woman finally stopped, it was so abrupt that Clarke almost crashed into her but the look on her face was the thing that kept her more concerned.

"Griffin, I'm sure you mean it well but what exactly do you think this hospital looks like? A charity event?" Indra's voice was harsh and brutally honest as always but it was still a total blow to Clarke. She had expected at least some sympathy maybe.

"No" she protested. "But this is a life! A life we could save! Just one pro bono surgery and he gets a chance to live."

"Do you think I'm not aware of this? I have at least one of such cases every month and it's never okay but we have no other option here, Griffin. We save the lives we can as doctors."

"If we could just get enough surgeons who are willing to -"

"Clarke!" Indra interrupted and her facial expression shifted from empathetic to annoyance. Clarke may have or not crossed a line. "I would save people without ever getting paid if it was on me but this hospital can't afford to spit out free heart transplant surgeries! I'm sorry if you're used to more luxuries but you'll have to get used to this."

There it was again, the jab at Clarke's family status. Although it took a lot of inner strength, she bit down any self explanation and just sighed: "I'm sorry, Dr. Tri. I just - I just can't let someone die like that. Not if they have a chance."

Indra gave her a hint of an understanding nod before going back to her usual ice cold expression. 

"You have to eventually because this won't be your only case where you have to let something go and definitely not your last."

The woman was right and Clarke knew that because she wasn't stupid. There would be other patients in the same situation and it would be awful just like this. That didn't stop her, though, not at all. She was not going to let this man, Octavia's brother die. 

 

-

 

Clarke's shift was officialy done for 20 minutes and yet she was still in her work clothes, still thinking about Octavia and her brother and still trying to find a solution. Before she would try to do anything else, though, she decided to check on the girl first snd perhaps even check on the patient himself. 

She knew it was even unfair to herself. All this time the talk was about a patient and it seemed so hypothetical but now that she would actually meet him? It got real, and when it got real, when she would meet him and talk to him and see that there was a whole life that was going to die - that would hurt. More than it should.

After Clarke at least used some deodorant, she made her way to the intensive station where Ocatvia had told her they would be. 

Room 479.

The first thing she saw when she entered the room was a man with a black eye, a deep scar scraped across his cheek, black curly hair and lots and lots of freckles. He also looked very grumpy as he was watching the TV.

When he noticed her his eyes narrowed. "Who are you?" he demanded to know with a thick, hoarse voice.

Definitely Not the type of greeting she had expected but whatever.

"I'm Dr. Griffin. You're Bellamy, right?"

The man nodded hesitantly and kept his eyes trained on her: "What do you want? They already told me everything I have to know."

Taken aback by his blunt manner of talking and well, no manners at all, Clarke haltered for a second and thought. Why exactly was she here? She wanted to save his life, right but why was she standing in his room?

"I need to check your vitals," she lied but didn't make a move to really check him up. 

Bellamy was still sending her mean glances when his eyes shifted to something behind her and Clarke heard Octavia's voice chirp in. 

"Bellamy! Oh good, you have already met Clarke! Isn't she great?" the brunette girl said with a wide grin, giving her brother a kiss on the forehead and a protein bar. 

It was astonishing how different she sounded when she wasn't crying. 

Bellamy rolled his eyes but then gave her a soft smile, which was apparently only reserved for his sister. "Relax, O', she's just here to check my vitals."

Octavia furrowed her brows in confusion and looked at Clarke: "What?"

The blonde suddenly felt caught. Like a deer in the headlights. It dawned on her how absurd this situation was. Her shift had ended half an hour ago. She should be home in that moment. What was she trying to achieve here?

Although she felt like just running in that moment, she pulled herself together and put on a tight smile. 

"Yeah, it's routine," she lied again but this time actually proceeded to do the check him up. 

As she was finally taking his blood pressure, Octavia was sending her weird glances the whole time.

"Okay, everything's looking normal. Your blood pressure is a bit high but that's not unusual considering your - your heart is dying."

"But you are going to fix him, right?" Octavia asked. There was hope in it, not much but not fully gone yet.

Now it was Bellamy's turn to furrow his eyebrows and send a questioning look to his sister.

"O', we've talked about this-"

"No, Bell. Clarke said she will do something. She will save you. Right?"

Clarke gulped. How did she get herself in this situation?

"I said I will do my best to find a solution," she finally answered and tried to focus on anything else beside Octavia's sad puppy eyes. "I'm still trying."

Something in Bellamy's expression shifted and suddenly dark eyes were drilling into her. "Why?"

"I'm sorry?" she said irritated. 

"Why are you trying to save me? I don't - we don't need your saving or your pity."

Octavia's eyes widened in shock and she smacked his upper arm with disbelief on her face.

"Bellamy! She's just trying to help you!"

"I don't need it!"

"What the fuck do you mean you don't need it?" Octavia's voice started to get louder by the second and her jaw was twitching in anger. "Of course, you need it.You're dying, Bellamy!"

His chest rose like he wanted to say something but the man stayed silent for a moment before shaking his head and quietly murmuring: "Octavia, if that's what's life has in store for me then maybe it just has to be that way."

The brunette girl's lip started quivering. She just shook her head. "Like hell it has to be that way. It's your damn life. Fight for it!"

Bellamy sighed heavily and closed his eyes. 

"I'm tired, O'."

That was a very clear indication to  Clarke that she was supposed to leave because firstly, the man wanted his peace and secondly, the conversation shifted to a very personal level. A level she wasn't part of. 

The siblings weren't done fighting, though, and she couldn't just leave so she stayed. Awkwardly.

"What about me, Bell? Okay, _you_ ' will be fine somewhere but what about _me_? Try to think about _me_ when you decide that you just wanna give up like your life means nothing."

A tear ran across Octavias's cheek. The brunette didn't try to stop it this time. After she gave her brother one last disappointed glance, she turned away and rushed out of the door leaving Clarke alone in the room with Bellamy which neither of them really appreciated.

Clarke considered to just walk away but wasn't it her job to save his life? Whether it was saving his body or his soul?

"Your sister cares about you," Clarke eventually pointed out taking a step closer to the bed he was sitting in. "You should definitely consider accepting the help you can get."

Bellamy's head turned in her direction and he mustered her intently for a second before scoffing: "Please, what help? You don't even have any options for me."

Clarke wanted to protest, wanted to say that he was too stubborn for his own good and wanted to tell him to have hope but she stayed quiet. 

"You're right," she admitted instead and nodded her head. "I haven't found a solution yet but I will -"

"Stop." His brown eyes flickered over her face. "All you're doing is creating false hope and feeding it to my sister. I am trying to protect her so for Octavia's sake, _stop_."

She didn't want to. She couldn't. Even though he was right, even though his point made sense and even though she knew exactly how unfair it had been to tell Octavia she would save her brother, something in her simply couldn't let a person die because of no insurance. _That_ was unfair.

"I won't sugarcoat the chances that I'll come up with something to Octavia but I won't let you die either, whether you like it or not."

-

Talking to Dr. Kane, the chief of surgery, didn't help either. He told Clarke the same as Dr. Tri that he would love to help  but wasn't able to. The hospital simply couldn't afford to perform such an expensive and invasive procedure  for free. The only thing he could do was to give Bellamy a medical alert bracelette that would immediately inform the hospital in case of an emergency but it was a ridiculous alternative. _In case of the emergency?_ His heart would definitely stop working sooner or later and when that happened it would be too late. It wasn't an option.

Clarke was exhausted from her shift (that had ended two hours ago by the way) and she looked even worse than she felt. She knew that it had time until tomorrow or so until the hospital would release Bellamy but the matter was driving her so crazy she couldn't even imagine going home.

She was buying herself her fourth coffee by now when she suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder. It were Lexa's eyes that were gazing at her when she turned around.

"Clarke, what are you still doing here?"

The blonde took a sip and avoided the other woman's concerned eyes. "Just working some extra hours," she lied.

"Please, who are you kidding? I've heard what you were trying to do for the heart transplant man. I think it was very good hearted of you to try but you can't save everyone, Clarke."

"I can try."

Lexa continued to stare her down and it made chills run over Clarke's spine. 

"Unfortunately you can't. They're releasing him right now and as much as I -"

"What?" Clarke asked incredulously with wide eyes. She didn't think they were going to do it so soon. She thought she would have time left, she thought that _he_   would.

Ignoring any of Lexa's attempts to say anything else she started walking to room 479.

Just as she entered the room, Dr. Kane was already leaving probably after giving Bellamy the _awesome_ life saving bracelette.

Marcus Kane didn't leave happy, it was a bitter smile and she knew that he would had done something if he could. She didn't blame him. She did blame america's health care system though and every damn politician and voter who made situations like this possible.

Bellamy's face instead was blank as he was sitting on the edge of the bed with the bracelette in his hands, staring at it. When he noticed Clarke standing in the door frame he laughed humorlessly.

"He gave me a medical alert bracelette. And sneaked me out some good pain killers for the symptoms that will follow."

Clarke nodded and pressed out a tight smile. "That's good." It wasn't. Nothing about this was good.

"Yeah, I'll manage. I'm more worried about Octavia," he told her. His hands were suddenly a bit shaky. 

"Octavia is very strong," Clarke said but didn't add anything else because it would be pointless. His sister was probably indeed strong but his death would break her. She was probably strong and she would still miss him every day for the rest of her life; she was probably strong but it wouldn't change a thing about the tragedy of Bellamy's death.

All of a sudden Clarke felt sick. All she wanted to do was to go home and sleep for the next ten years or so but she bit down the sickness and gave Bellamy a smile.

"Well, good luck," she ultimately said and waited a second before turning around to  finally leave.

When she was out of the room her feet automatically stopped. She couldn't do it.  She couldn't just walk away. So she turned back, got back inside and her heart was threatening to burst out of her chest when she met the eyes of a very surprised Bellamy again.

"I have great medical insurance."

He frowned.

"Way to kick a guy when he's down."

Clarke laughed, a real laugh. Her fingers were fumbling around nervously on her work clothes as she took a few steps towards him and saw down on the other bed in front of him.

"I'm saying," she started again ( _and oh god what was she doing_ ). Anxiety filling her stomach up and down over the idea that sat in her head but there was no turning back now. "I'm saying that, uhm, I'll marry you."

If it the situation wasn't so serious right now the dumbfounded look on Bellamy's face would be hilarious. First it was a mix of confusion and horror and then a flicker of realization appeared in his eyes.

"That's a very generous offer but," he gulped and his eyes traveled to hers and back away "But I can't."

She knew he would react like this so she was already prepared for this answer. 

"I am a doctor. I took an oath and I can't leave you now any more than I could leave you bleeding out on the street. You needed an insurance? You got an insurance."

Bellamy was staring at her. His brown eyes searching for something the same way Octavia had done before she had entrusted Clarke with her problems. They were so alike.

"This is absurd, you aware of that? And illegal," he pointed out with an uncertain expression before adding: "And you're gonna regret it first thing in the morning." Clarke laughed. Perhaps she would, okay most definitely she would but saving a life was worth the regret a thousand times. 

" _You're dying, Bellamy._ " The man didn't even blink. "Bellamy, you're dying but you don't have to 'cause I can help."

She could see the wheels turn in his head but he wasn't entirely sure yet. She was.

"So I'll marry you," Clarke repeated and this time it didn't feel like a complete crazy idea on her lips. It felt good. _It_ _felt fine._

 


	2. Un nouveau soleil

"Tell me again. You're gonna do _what_?"

The reaction to Clarke's spontaneous decision to marry a stranger was worse than she had hoped for. She fully understood that it was a crazy idea and basically illegal but she did think that people would be more considerate when realizing that it was in order to save a life.

They didn't.

"Get married. So are you going to be my witness or should I ask someone else?"

Wells dark eyes were staring at her in confusion and bewilderment on the other side of the couch. After she had repeated it for the third time, it kind of started to get on her nerves. What about it was so damn hard to understand?

"Have you told your mother? And what does the chief say? Clarke, you're not really going to do this, are you?" Wells asked again but only got an eye roll out of her.

"No, I don't know and yes, I will" she replied easily but actually was in fact a tiny bit worried about her mom. She would probably disown her for that matter but _again,_ it would be for a good cause.

Wells shook his head like he always did when she did something reckless. They had been friends, no best friends for their entire lives now and for the most part of it Clarke was a quiet girl who had alway followed the rules. One day something inside her changed and she started to loosen up a bit, day by day she had grown into a slightly more chaotic version of herself. Wells had stayed by her side and embraced the changes. Her mom instead, it had driven her insane and probably still did but she managed to cope with a daughter who didn't always do what she was told to these days. But this? Her reaction would be dramatic to say the least.

"Okay. I'll be there but don't expect any wedding gifts from me."

Clarke laughed and threw her arms around her best friend to give a him a tight hug. "Thank you" she murmered into his shoulder. 

After they broke apart Wells gave her grin: "Hey, what are best friends there for?"

Apparently for being witness at a wedding between strangers. Hallelujah.

As a little thank you Clarke bought him the chocolate muffin he liked so much at the bakery across the street.

-

 

"Do you want the standard ceremony?"

Clarke's pager beeped. Fuck. There had been some kind of huge car accident on the highway according to Lexa who had texter her earlier and now the hospital was overflowing with patients but she wasn't there. She was about to get married to Bellamy. 

"No, the short version is okay with us, too" Bellamy answered and gave Clarke a glance because she kept checking her phone all the time.

She smiled apologizingly and tucked her phone away.

"Can you just skip to the end?"

The judge in front of her furrowed his brows and gave her an annoyed look.

"I'm sorry I'm just really late" she explained and hoped that would be enough. Not all couples were romantic softies who wanted a long ass ceremony, some of them had business to do, right?

Bellamy chuckled deeply beside her but she couldn't figure out if he was annoyed or really amused by this bizzare situation.

It was a miracle they got an appointment so quick at the court just a week after they had requested a marriage license. They couldn't afford to waste time with Bellamy getting sicker and sicker every day. He needed to have his surgery soon.

"Okay," the judge said and got out a stamp. "The short version it is."

Clarke smiled slightly and then looked at Bellamy who was staring right ahead. She was going to get married to a guy whose last name she had found out just a few hours ago when she had been mildly panicking about this whole arrangement. It was kind of bittersweet because when she had been a kid she had always dreamed about this white princess wedding with a beautiful dress and her 'prince'and now - it was the exact opposite. _It wasn't about her, though_ , she reminded herself. _It was about saving Bellamy Blake._

Before the judge started, she threw one last look to the side where Wells and Octavia were standing. Her best friend had an uncertain look on his face whereas Octavia was beaming with happiness. Okay, she was really going to do it.

"We are here today to participate in a marital union, to celebrate love and happiness."

She felt Bellamy gulping. 

"Acting in conformity to the laws and regulations of the state of north carolina two people are brought together today."

Her hands started to sweat.

"Since it is your intention to enter into marriage, join hands and repeat after me."

The two of them turned to one another, took each other's hands into theirs and Clarke noticed how tiny her own seemed as they were laying in Bellamy's. She was gazing into the dark brown eyes that she had looked into the past week, talking to him, arguing with him and letting them drill into her skullwhen he had been mad.

"I, eh Bellamy Blake,"

"I, Bellamy Blake" Bellamy repeated and nervously squeezed her hand.

"I take you, Clarke griffin to be my wife,

to hold you from this day forward,

for better for worse,

for richer for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

to love, honor and cherish until death do us apart."

She had to repeat the same vow and after that they were almost done.

"Do you have some token you wish to exchange?" the judge asked them as he started to stamp the documents.

"No" Clarke answered. "We didn't have the time."

"Ok, we'll just skip that part. Just sign here and here" he told them and gave them the papers.

After they signed it: "By these acts and according to the laws of the state of north carolina, I hereby prounounce you to husband and wife."

Clarke's heart finally stopped hammering in her chest and she let out a quiet sigh of relief. 

"Congratulations" the judge said and shook Bellamy's hand who gave him a warm smile. 

"Thank you."

"Next applicants please!"

When they were finally out of the room Octavia rushed to them to give Bellamy a big hug. It all happened in a blur and for a second there it really felt like she was someone who married the love of her life until Wells squeezed her shoulder and asked her if he should take her to the hospital.

"That would be nice, thanks" she replied and then gestured that she would be right there in a moment before turning around to see Octavia grinning like a child.

"That's something I never thought I'd see. _My brother_ is married!" the brunette said and elbowed her brother into his stomach. Bellamy rolled his eyes. 

"Don't be too excited, it's fake" he  deadpanned.

Clarke laughed and shook her head, "I'm glad I could help, I guess."

Octavias face turned serious. "No, Clarke, really, thank you" she said with a warm smile tugging at her lips. "Thank you for doing this."

"Of course. I'm a doctor, helping people is what I do."

Bellamy nodded slowly but his eyes were wandering around the room. He still didn't seem to comfortable with this situation. 

Octavia stepped forward and hugged her tightly.

"How are you feeling?" Clarke asked Bellamy after his sister released her.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and shrugged. "Fine, I guess."

"Okay" she nodded. "Now that this is done, let's get you new heart."

-

 The x-ray in front of Clarke showed a bone fracture. Little charlotte had broken her arm. She took the pictures down, she needed to inform the girl's parents but just as she was about to walk out of the door suddenly  Indra Tri was standing in front of her. She did not look happy.

"Do you have to be somewhere, Dr. Griffin? I'm sorry, or should I say Dr. Blake?"

Okay, so Dr. Tri knew.

"I have to treat a 12 year old girl," she replied easily. "And no, Dr. Griffin is just fine." She pushed herself through the door frame and started walking towards the emergency room. She didn't have a time for yet another lecture. Marcus Kane had already been enough today.

"Married a patient to give him insurance? Have you lost your mind? Insurance fraud is a serious offense, Griffin" Indra hissed sternly as she followed her.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You were just begging me to operate pro bono on him last week."

Clarke just shrugged and continued her fast pace. "People fall in love in hospitals all the time."

"You're a doctor for gods sake. What are you going to do when the next person without an insurance walks in? Marry them, too?"

"But I love him" Clarke lied but the not so serious tone in her voice betrayed her. "I do, I love him soooo much."

Indra grabbed her by the shoulder to stop her from walking further on. "This is not a joke, Dr. Griffin!"

"I appreciate your concern" Clarke offered and gave her a small smile. "But it is done, you're his doctor and now you can save his life."

-

 The next two hours went by fairly quickly with Clarke treating Charlotte's broken arm and inspectating a few cases of high fever. During her break she decided to check on the Blake siblings but to her suprise there was no Bellamy there but instead another person in the room, a man in his early mid twenties with a hard face but a gentle smile on his lips.

"Oh, hey" Octavia greeted her when she saw her coming in and then turned around to face the other man. "Nate, this is Dr. Griffin. Clarke, this is Nate Miller. A good friend of ours."

She shook his hand with a friendly smile. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise. Heard what you did, 't was really generous."

It was strange hearing this from so many people (obviously besides her collegues and fellow doctors) because it just seemed so obvious to her. Sure she had been slightly worried about the reactions but otherwise it had been a fairly easy decision. 

"You do what you can do to help."

"Told ya she's a saint" Octavia chirped in and grinned at Clarke's eye roll.

"Definitely not a saint. Where's Bellamy?"

"They said they needed to do some tests. It was about an hour ago" the brunette answered and then took a bite of her cereal bar. Upon closer inspection the girl had dark circles under her eyes and a tired expression.

"Octavia, when was the last time you slept?"

She sighed but only gave an uninterested shrug with her shoulders. 

The man next to her, Nate, was looking closer now, too and his face went all serious. "She is right. You should get some sleep or even better go home and sleep there. I'll make sure Bellamy won't die of boredom."

Octavia opened her mouth to protest but was quickly cut of by Clarke: "Go. Rest. I'll be stopping by her now and later, too so your brother will be in safe hands."

"Fine" the brunette eventually murmured and stood up to get her things. "You guys are so annoying."

-

"How are you feeling?"

Bellamy was done with his tests for today  and was back in his hospital bed. He looked just as tired as his sister.

"Exhausted" he answered as he leaned back into his pillow. "All day long. It's like  something's sucking all my energy out."

"Your heart is slowly failing and your whole body is shutting down."

"Wow, you do know how to lighten the mood, huh?" he said with a chuckle followed by a serious of coughs. 

Clarke smiled faintly as she went through his test results for the heart transplantation. Most of the required terms were good but it was the heart failure that seemed to spread more rapidly that worried her. It wasn't supposed to happen that fast.

"Did I do well?" he asked and coughed again. This time it lasted almost for a minute.

"Yes, you did." After a beat: "Where's your friend nate?" 

"Home again. He's a deputy. Got better things to do than to hang around in this hospital."

She nodded understandingly and closed his file. "I'm sure your sister will be back soon."

Bellamy lowered his gaze and looked out the window. It was 8:15 pm. The sun was setting and the last sun rails were shining through the window, leaving one half of the room dark and the other half softly orange.

"Nah, she better stay home and go back to college. It's always a fourty minute drive to here." 

That was too far away. After his transplantation Bellamy should have a place near the hospital in case of emergencies but they could worry about this later.

"Get some sleep. I'll stop by later before my shift ends" she eventually said and turned to leave.

"Wait." 

Clarke spinned around to look at him again.

"Thank you."

She smiled, hearing it the first time from his mouth.

"You're welcome."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here goes the 2nd chapter. I know not so long but prepare: juicy stuff is coming :)  
> Anyway I'm super shook about any comments and btw if you want to swoon over bellarke w me I'm available on good ol' tumblr @blakegriffinthings so hit me up


	3. Worlds apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the Rating bc everyone likes to swear a lot :) enjoy!

Bellamy Blake got his new heart three weeks after they had  married, on the 29th of april.

It were 21 difficult and long days to say the least. He became weaker by the minute and at some point it got so bad, Clarke wasn't even sure if she had really saved his life or had just given him false hope. Being insured to get the surgery paid was one thing, getting a new heart with dozens of other patients on the waiting list was another. 

He managed to become so sick, though, that he landed on top of the waiting list and in the end he got the new heart. After three weeks of worrying about him, helping Octavia to cope when it was really bad and getting a shit load of insults thrown at her by a very angry and sick Bellamy, it was finally done. Well, at least the hardest part about it, getting through the whole post-surgery care and basically his entire life afterwards was another issue.

But it wasn't all bad, aside from Bellamy being the most annoying patient ever and him sneering every two seconds about literally anything and everything and all the 'why did I even agree to this', the 'sure Princess'es', the 'You're not my doctor stop checking up on me's and the 'I would rather die of failure than have you as my wife's it was _managable_. 

One time Clarke even learned a lesson through a conversation with him about family. He told her about that one time he had gotten into a fight because some guy wouldn't stop grabbing Octavia even though she clearly wasn't into it because he simply cared so much for her and she was his family and that was everything to him which made Clarke feel slightly guilty afterwards for having so little contact with her own family. She had cancelled her plans for visiting them in washington, she rarely called her mother back let alone rang her up on her on her own and only texted her father a few times a month. That was it.

So she made the tough decision to call her parents to tell them about the fake marriage and it to her surprise it went astonishgly well. Of course, her mother was definitely not happy about it but she took it better than expected, being a doctor herself she eventually did understand Clarke's wish to save Bellamy's life. Her father Jake told her how proud he was to have raised such a kind and generous daughter. She was happy that the cat was finally out of the bag. The only problem was that her mom wanted to meet him someday and Clarke didn't exactly knew how in the ever loving hell she could convince Bellamy to do _that_.

But none of this mattered right now because Bellamy got a heart and he was in surgery and getting that new heart to beat in his chest was the only important thing.

Clarke's shift was slow today so when her break came around she decided to keep Octavia company while the girl was waiting in the waiting room.

The brunette was sitting in a chair with her face in her hands while tapping her foot. She obviously was nervous.

"Hey, can I join you?" Clarke asked softly and took a seat next to her when the girl looked at her nodding weakly.

They sat in silence for a few moments until Octavia turned around and broke it: "I'm afraid, Clarke. I'm so fucking scared something will go wrong."

The blonde nodded understandingly and placed a reassuring hand on the other girl's back. "It's okay to be afraid but I promise you Bellamy is in good hands. I know the surgeons, I've worked with them, they're good."

"I believe you but -" she shook her head and took a deep breath: "but life hasn't treated us well when it comes to family members. Both of our dads? Left us. Our mother? Dead. We only have each other."

Clarke wasn't aware of their past but she had always kind of suspected absent parents when no one besides Octavia and some of his friends showed up during the last three weeks. This was even worse.

"Hey, look at me," she ordered with a gentle voice and looked her in the eyes. "Your brother is strong. He wouldn't leave you alone."

Octavia's green eyes flickered with hope for a second but then it was gone as quickly as it came and she looked away, laughing humourlessly. 

"Don't you remember? He didn't even wanna fight for his life. He wanted to just give up."

"I'm sure he didn't mean it" Clarke said but replayed the scene in front of her. He had looked so tired, completely broken down and not a spark in the brown eyes. She saw that sometimes in her patients. The loss of any hope.

"He did" the brunette harshly stated and started fumbling around with her fingers. 

"Octavia -"

"No, I know what you're thinking, he didn't mean it but yes, he did. My brother has done some questionable things in his life, dark things, Clarke but he did it for _me_. Bellamy was only seventeen when our mother died so he ended up taking care of me because we didn't have anyone else. He did some of these things just to bring me food on the table, he didn't even think about eating it himself, and now -" her voice cracked when her eyes started getting wet but she continued: "and now he has to live with these things but I know him, it's eating him up. And all of that? Because of _me_. I _destroyed_ him, Clarke!"

There were tears running down her face and Clarke was shocked, speechless even so all she could do was put her arms around Octavia and hold her through the emotional breakdown. 

"You didn't destroy him.. _He_ made those choices and whatever it was, I'm sure he will forgive himself someday" she eventually murmured into the girl's ear before breaking apart and smearing any left tears away from her face.

The brunette nodded slowly, her eyes beaming with tiredness. Although she could definitely use some sleep Clarke knew she wouldn't listen so she didn't say anything, just stayed with her.

"How much longer until the surgery's done and we - we know that he's okay?" Octavia asked after couple minutes. The facade on her face came up again, the fear and pain vanishing in seconds and a cold hard stare appearinginstead.

"Two hours I think. Heart transplant surgeries usually last for four hours but it can obviously vary."

"Okay" the other girl said looking at the ground. "Two hours.. I think I can manage that."

Clarke smiled and gave her a last squeeze on her shoulder. "Of course you can. I need to get back to work now but I'll stop by later, okay?" 

"Okay."

 -

She didn't stop by later. There was a shooting and several injured came in so Clarke's hands were full.

To her suprise Nathan Miller then came stroding in because apparently he had been present at the scene but luckily only ended up with a few scratches. He told her that the perpetrator was some guy who had attempted to rob a bank but by the time the police had come around he had been still there and then started to just shoot into the crowd. Two people dead, nine wounded. This country really had a gun problem.

After the quick chatt with Miller and several hours of assisting in surgery, she was finally done for that day and only then noticed that Bellamy must had gotten out some time ago or at least, if everything went according to the plan.

Bellamy should be in the ICU, the Intensive care unit, after the heart transplantation to be very intently ovserved for any signs of his body rejecting the new heart. 

When Clarke asked for the number of his room at the reception, a wave of relief washed over her because Bellamy was out of the surgery, which meant he was okay, not that it should have mattered so much to her but she sorted that feeling as feeling responsible. Just responsibility.

Dr. Tri and Lexa were talking to Octavia who was looking happy this time when she found the room. Clarke didn't enter, though, knowing how Indra Tri felt about the fake marriage and that it really wasn't her place to interrupt. After all, she was just someone who gave Bellamy an insurance, nothing more.

The older surgeon was the first to leave the room, not even giving Clarke any kind of notice but when Lexa followed her, she stopped to give her a wide smile. This didn't happen often.

"Clarke, you should have been there, it was amazing! Indra let me sew the veins to the new heart and it was just - it was perfect!" Lexa started to blabber and telling her about the surgery. Clarke was more interested in Bellamy's well being, though.

"Did everything go well? No complications?" She inquired but gave the other woman a warm smile back.

"We almost didn't get the heart to beat, it only started after the electric shock prompted it but otherwise good. You really should've seen it!"

"Well" Clarke shrugged with a laugh. "Can't operate on my husband, can I?"

The other girl scoffed and shook her head. "But everyone knows why you two married. You have no actual personal relation to him and besides sharing your insurance, he's a complete stranger to you."

Clarke wouldn't say stranger, she got to know a tiny bit of his personality throughout the last three weeks but explaining this was complicated so she just nodded.

"I guess I will just have to wait for the next heart transplant surgery."

"Yes. I have to go now, see you tomorrow?"

Clarke nodded again and waited a moment after the brunette woman walked away, hurrying after Indra. She could already see her as the next chief of cardiology in 5 years.

"Clarke?" A voice interrupted her thoughts and she spinned around to see Octavia's green eyes gazing at her.

"They told me that it went well, and I - " she probably stopped to search for words but could only give a heart warming smile. "- I just wanted to say thank you again. This wouldn't have been possible if not for you."

Clarke smiled at Octavia and it was enough of an answer. 

"Let's see how Bellamy's doing, shall we?"

-

Bellamy looked younger when he was sleeping. All the frowns, the tired looks and the hard edges on his face were gone when he was out of it but it looked strange to her, to see him this relaxed.

It was not the first time Clarke saw him sleep and definitely not the first time she stared him (for medical reasons,of course, not because he was low key attractive) but it was the first time she noticed the way he seemed to be at peace with the world when unconscious.

Suddenly he stirred, lightly, his brow twitching and then he slowly turned his head. He was waking up.

She turned around to Octavia, who was smiling at her phone, and Miller, who had joined them half an hour ago.

"Guys, he's waking up."

His sister almost dropped her phone as of excitement. She leaned in closer from the chair next to Clarke and watched the man slowly blink and then fully open his eyes. Miller was staring now, too.

"What the fuck" was the first sentence he said after his big heart surgery. Truly moving. "Why are y'all staring at me?"

Octavia giggled and shot forward to tenderly hug Bellamy's head, careful not to hurt his chest.

"Bell, I'm so happy you're okay!" she murmured into his hair.

"Death wouldn't have me, sorry" he quietly mumbled with a soft laugh. His voice thick after the surgery.

"Good to have you back, man" Miller smiled on Clarke's left and gave the other man a light shoulder squeeze.

It was all soft hugs and smiles for a moment when Clarke all of a sudden realised with a sharp jolt that she didn't really belong here. Yeah, she kind of saved his live and yeah, she got used to check up on him every day but he had his sister, friends he would probably rather spend his time with than her. 

"I have to go" she rapidly announced, standing up all too fast and nearly dripping over her own legs, sometimes she was so damn clumsy. "I'm glad you're alright, Bellamy" Clarke added after the three of them gave her irritated looks. 

She was ready to leave when Octavia was calling her name again.

"Hey, let's have dinner at our place when Bell is out of the hospital, okay? As a thanks?"

She didn't need dinner. Right now she needed a glass (or a bottle) of wine and Raven Reyes who would bring ice cream.

"Sure" Clarke nodded with a tight smile on her lips and quickly made her way out of the room, and out of the hospital. Sure, but probably not.

-

Clarke's friendship with Raven Reyes had a rather complicated history if she had to describe it but nevertheless, the two women had a strong bond. She wouldn't say they were best friends, not quite, but Raven was definitely one of her closest one's and frankly, the only real friend besides Wells. Every one else she knew were just acquintaces or work collegues.

The truth was that Clarke had kept her circle small since moving to Raleigh.

Anyway, Raven and her did not just share quite the history, they had once even shared their boyfriend. Unfortunately, in the bad kind of way when it came to sharing your boyfriend, not the good kind. Although hearts had been broken and tears had been spilled, the two of them had decided to help each other get through it instead of hating each other and that's how they became friends. After overcoming asshole's Finn fuckery they had remained friends, talking regulary, getting drunk when the day was hard and trying to remain constant rocks in each other's life when everything else was a fluid motion which didn't last. They did.

So it was good to hear that Raven was happy to come over and get sluppy drunk with her when she called her.

"So, how's married life treating you?" Ravan asked first thing after she had settled comfortably on Clarke's long beige couch.

The blonde rolled her eyes. Even though the woman had been the least judgemental about the whole thing when Clarke had casually mentioned it, she was also the one who would bring it up on every occasion to tease her. Asshole.

"Awesome" she muttered and took a big swig out of the wine bottle. They never drank out of glasses because even though they were technically adults, they weren't _really_ adults.

Raven's brows shot up at her answer. "What, so bad?"

"What can I say? Bellamy got his new heart so my job is done."

A hand reached for the bottle and she gave it to her. After Raven drank one or two gulps: "Soo you're going to get divorced? After a month?"

To be honest, Clarke hadn't even thought about it yet. The insurance came up for the surgery, yes, but it wasn't as easy as to just get divorced because he would need examinations on a frequent basis and life long medication and all of that didn't come free without an insurance.

"I dunno. We didn't talk about it yet" she just said, though.

"I definitely wanna meet the man you married after a day, Griffin. So gonna meet him" Raven told her with a smirk.

Furrowing her brows, Clarke snatched the bottle out of her hands to drink some more. Her wine thirst was out of control today. 

"Sure and why don't we invite my parents, too and have a real wedding ceremony?" 

"Okay, okay, I'll stop now" Raven finally said but the smug look in her eyes remained where it was.

"Thanks."

As the evening went on, they both became tired so Clarke invited Raven to sleep at her place since she had a little too much wine to drive and cabs were expensive. So she slept on the couch, immediately knocked out the second she cuddled into her blankets.

It was nice to not spend her evening alone for the first time in months. She had burried herself in work and obligations, Clarke didn't even notice her social life was lacking. It made the feeling she had gotten that day in the hospital stand out clearer.

She didn't belong. Not to anything or anyone. She saw her parents perhaps four times a year, Wells now and then but not so often since he started his new job at the law office and Raven every few weeks. That was it and now that it all came up, she wondered how she had been able to ignore it for such a long time. Loneliness was a terrible and persistent feeling.

-

"Thank you, Dr. Griffin!"

Clarke smiled and gave her patient one last glance before finally buying something to eat. She was starving and the hospital was busy today with a new virus going around so she had been running around all day.

On the way to the cafeteria, she passed the room Bellamy was in since they had moved him from the ICU a few days ago. A feeling of guilt and shame washed over her when she reflected the way she had been avoiding seeing him or Octavia for the entire past week. It really wasn't their fault that Clarke had the sudden realization she was searching for a family in a place she wasn't supposed to  but here she was avoiding them, ignoring any information about Bellamy's state of well being and pretending that it wasn't weird at all to do this.

Clarke bought herself a sandwich and a cup of coffe but since every table was occupied she decided to look for any kind of seating outside the cafeteria. She didn't get lucky. The hospital was so damn full today.

She knew that she could do what she had done lots of times in the last month when she had a break. She would go to Bellamy, see how he's doing, chat with Octavia or anybody else who was visiting and enjoy the company but that wasn't an option now, was it? 

There was a debate in her head, pride VS hunger and even though her stomach twisted at the thought of just showing up after a week of avoidance like 'hey I still work here by the way, just didn't want to see you' , the hunger won. And eventually she had to see them again so better to get it over with now.

At first Clarke hovered around the entrance to the room , checking out the situation.

Bellamy was sitting in his bed, alone, and his face was frowning at a laptop in his lap. He looked visibly healthier now, stronger and 'alive'. The new heart suited him.

"Hey" she finally said out loud after staring for far too long. 

It probably startled him because his arm twitched and his head spinned around to look at her. After a beat, his face shifted to suprised - perhaps a little irritated, too.

"Clarke" he greeted with the usual gruff tone in his voice. "Didn't see you around much lately?"

She nodded, had already expected this but frankly, it wasn't as bad as she had imagined. 

"I was very busy, sorry" Clarke lied and took a couple steps forward into the room. "How are you doing?"

Bellamy's intent gaze disappeared and he looked back at the laptop like he had done before she said hello.

"Good. Dr. Wood told me my body isn't rejecting the heart yet which apparently is good news."

Clarke nodded, it definitely was good news. Rejection of the transplant was the most common cause of death after a heart transplantation. 

"It is. I'm glad you're better now" she told him mustering the chair next to the bed. She wanted to sit there but for the love of god she was somehow intimated by Bellamy, by the situation.

Bellamy didn't spare her another glance, just bobbed his head and mumbled a "yeah".

"What are you doing?" She asked him nodding at the laptop he was so focused on. It was the first time she saw him with it.

His fingers typed something on the keyboard, only then he looked at her again. 

"Writing" he replied and kept his gaze trained on her almost as if.. as if he was waiting for a reaction.

"Oh" Clarke dully said and stared at him. She had no idea he was writing - or was he? The writing-a-book kind of writing not the just typing-words-writing, anyway she was confused. "I didn't know you were a writer" she remarked and that was apparently the response he was waiting for because he nodded his head and looked back at the screen in front of him, his expression cold.

Clarke didn't know if it was just her paranoia or if Bellamy really seemed pissy somehow. He was often pissy because well, it was Bellamy duh, but right now it felt like he was angry at her and she couldn't help but wonder if it was because she had ignored him and Octavia lately.

"What are you writing about?" she wanted to know after being left looking stupid without any spark of attention from Bellamy. 

"Nothing you read" he just replied, even rolling his eyes at the question or at _her_ if she didn't mistake it for anything else.

Clarke felt dumb. And the coffe in her right hand was probably cold by now.

"Try me" she challenged and got an uncertain glance out of him. Bellamy's eyes mustered her for a second.

"Ancient greek mythology," he told her, "I  write about ancient greek mythology."

"My father used to tell me stories about greek mythology" Clarke said, remembering the way she had used to lie in pink princess bed and call for her father so that he could tell her some good night stories, she had loved them. She couldn't help but smile at those memories.  

"That's a very interesting topic."

Bellamy's hard expression seemed to soften, the anger or whatever it had been vanishing. 

"Yeah.. My mom she - she also did that when I was younger."

"Is that why your sister's name is Octavia?" Clarke had honestly always meant to ask them that someday, both of their name were rather unique. She had to supress a smile.

His mouth formed a light grin, shaking his head and huffing out a laugh he said: "Yeah, my mom let me name her. She probably regretted that decision every time it was misspelled and autocorrected to something else."

Clarke laughed. 

"Hey, at least it's extraordinary, just like yours."

She hadn't meant to say that but oh well, there was no shame in admitting that Bellamy was a beautiful name. She thought it sounded good and she liked the french translation _Bell'ami_ ; handsome friend.

"Yeah, I guess so."

The blonde used the opportunity to finally sit down and take a bite of her sandwich, the coffee she didn't want anymore. 

"Long day?"

"You have no idea" she replied and let out a satisfied sigh. Nothing was better than to sit down after being up for hours and hours.

"You want the pudding? I didn't eat it." He held out the white package to her and she happily accepted.

"Thanks. Is your appetite sense okay? I never have patients who don't eat the pudding. It's the best from all the other crappy food you are given here."

Bellamy crossed his arms. "Everything's okay with my appetite I'm just not the pudding type of person, and I'm not your patient."

Her eyebrows drew up in slight confusion at both statements, that he didn't like pudding and the bitchy I'm-not-your-patient phrase. How could he not like pudding, though? Pudding was awesome. This pudding was delicious. She put another spoon in her mouth.

"I have to process that first" Clarke teased with a fake shocked expression. "And yeah, you're not my patient, you're my _husband_ " she added after a beat with humour in her voice. 

"Sure" Bellamy mumbled before going back to his work on the laptop. 

"I think you just never had the right pudding and that's why you _think_ you don't like it."

"Or I just don't like it. Point."

"Have you even tried, though?" she asked with narrowed eyes, not ready to drop this super important topic.

He hesitated and that's why Clarke knew he didn't. She had caught him first had.

"Oooh, you didn't! I got you, Bellamy Blake."

The confusion on his face shifted to more or less annoyed amusement and he rolled his eyes. This time it didn't sting as much as it had before.

"You are the most annoying person on this planet, Clarke."

"At least I'm not shaming pudding without having ever tried it" she stated with raised eye brows, eating the last bit of the delicious pudding.

"Don't you have work to get back to?"

"Eager to get rid of me, I see."

"Well, you weren't exactly keen on even saying hi this week so I guess we're even." His voice cut sharply through the air and Clarke's amused grin disappeared quickly.

"Sorry" she slowly said and instinctly pressed herself back into the chair. If she had to be honest, she wanted to go now. "Do you have something on your mind?"

Bellamy huffed out a breath and shook his head, his eyes went dark like they always did when he was pissed. Clarke's feeling had been right, he was angry over _it_ or something. 

"No" he answered, purposefully avoiding her gaze. "Forget it."

"Okay, whatever you say" Clarke weakly offered. A silence fell over them and she could basically feel the tension in the room. It made her stomach turn. 

"I'll go now, clearly you need some time alone. Go punch a pillow or something." She just couldn't help the mean side remark but the look he threw at her was worth it.

"Go save some people _or better_ marry them since that's what you're into."

Clarke rolled her eyes since he basically insulted himself but that wasn't any of her business.

"Already married to an ass, can't to that anymore, can I?" she shot back and stood up ready to leave. 

She was almost out of the door when Bellamy made another comment:

"Yeah, go but in case you disappear for another week, I'll be released by then so at least say bye to Octavia since she actually liked you."

Clarke knew exactly what he was on about but she was stubborn and definitely not ready to apologize for something he wouldn't understand. She just shot him a tight glance over her shoulder and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope the end scene at the end made up for all the filler story but I just looove evolving the friendship between C & O and of course between C & Raven!! I promise, more bellarke interaction definitely coming next chapter!
> 
> I know waiting only three weeks 4 a heart is v unrealistic but I had to bring bellamy out of the hospital since I don't want the entire fic to play in the damn hospital :) And btw I am sorry if any of you are real doctors or study medicine or just know things, I try my best to research stuff but it obviously isn't always gonna correct, forgive me for any mistakes haha
> 
> So yeah I hope u liked it, leave me some comments pls I love it when you do and hooow good was the last episode on the 100? I was shook.


	4. Dirt and roses

 

Clarke was angry, angry at herself, angry at Bellamy Blake and angry at the rude husband of one of her patients who had interrupted her four times during one sentence. 

Ripping the chocolate bar, she was holding in her hands, open she angrily took a piece and put it in her mouth. It was oreo chocolate, her favorite one which always did it's work to calm her nerves. 

She needed to talk to Octavia. Discuss what would happen after Bellamy would be released, discuss whether they had already talked about moving closer to the hospital because they lived too far away and lastly, apologize for her absence.

Sighing Clarke stood up, ready to find the girl and talk to her but not ready to share this conversation with Bellamy, too so she had to catch her on her own. It was 3:20 pm, the perfect opportunity because Bellamy usually had his nap at this time of day (she didn't know why she had this information either).

She hovered around his room, trying to sneak a peek in order to find out if Octavia was there or not and if Bellamy was awake. After a minute of doing so, she finally got a clear sight of Octavia sitting next to the bed scrolling on her iphone. 

"Octavia" Clarke whispered loud enough for her to hear it but quiet enough for Bellamy not to wake up.

The girl's head spinned around with a confused frown but when she saw Clarke, her face remained neutral. She stood up and walked over to her.

"Hey, what's up?" Octavia greeted friendly.

Clarke searched for any detection of hidden anger but couldn't find it. Yet it wasn't the same happy smile she usually got from her.

"Hey, we need to talk" Clarke told her but added: "About the future and what's going to happen next, you know all that stuff" when she realised how serious it had sounded.

Octavia nodded understandingly but the smile disappeared and her mouth showed a thin line instead.

"Of course, you want to know when you can get get the divorce so -"

"No" Clarke quickly interrupted, shaking her head. "I mean, yes, we should talk about that, too but this isn't - it's not so urgent yet."

"Oh, okay" the other girl said with a frown. "What did you want to talk about then?"

"Well, first, when exactly is bellamy being released?"

"In five days. Why?"

"Nothing, just - I was just wondering" she answered but wasn't entirely convinced of the reply herself.

"Why didn't you just ask Bellamy?" Octavia inquired with a raised brow.

Well, for starters because he had kind of already told her but then again it was just a "a week" so that could range from five to seven days and she would rather know the exact date of his releasement. 

"He's probably not so keen on speaking to me right now."

"Ah" Octavia simply said and looked at the ground, tapping her foot. 

"Look," Clarke started and took a deep breath, she wasn't exactly the best st apologizing or talking about what she was thinking or feeling or basically saying the right thing in general. "I'm sorry that I disappeared for a week, it were just some really busy and stressfull days for me and I tend to forget stuff when I'm stressed so I didn't stop by. I'm sorry if you interpreted that as something it wasn't supposed to mean."

The brunette's eyes gazed at her, not saying a word for a couple of moments until finally dropping the gaze and sighing: "It's okay, Clarke. We just figured that was your way of saying 'we are done' or something like that, that because Bell had his surgery you two needed to get a divorce so that you could go back to your normal life."

Clarke shook her head again, she was so annoyed at herself. 

"No, oh god, no I'm sorry it came off like this, I didn't mean to."

There was something flickering back on in Octavia's eyes like someone flipped a switch and suddenly the warm look appeared, the one she normally had. It was a relief because it meant the matter was resolved, or at least with Octavia. With Bellamy it wasn't.

"I'm glad it was a misunderstanding. I started to like you" the brunette said with a smile, releasing her arms that had been crossed protectively over her chest.

"Me too" Clarke said and this time it was her who initiated the hug. She needed to start to talk to people instead of drawing rash conclusion, she noted to herself.

After that the two women decided to take a stroll through the hospital instead of hovering next to Bellamy's room, after all there were still a lot of things to discuss.

"Y'know it's funny how you talk about this stuff to me instead of Bell, the one you are _actually_ married to" Octavia pointed out at some point when Clarke was getting herself a cup of coffee.

She gulped. It hadn't seemed strange before but now that she heard it out loud, it was in fact _funny_.

"Well," she started but took a sip before going on, recollecting her thoughts meanwhile. "You are kind of like his manager. And more pleasant to talk to."

Snorting the girl pushed a button on the coffee machine. 

"He can be a pain in the ass sometimes, I admit" she said taking her freshly made cappuccino. "But that's just his persona. Never lets people in. Ever."

"I noticed that."

"So don't worry it's not personal" the brunette told her, and she didn't. Why should she worry if Bellamy liked her or not?

"I was very suprised to find out he's a writer" Clarke admitted after another sip of coffee. She had expected him to be a - a cop, perhaps? Or a mechanic? Something physical at least.

"Oh god, he's such a nerd you wouldn't believe to which extent his knowledge about ancient greek goes. He's like a damn ecyclopedia."

Clarke laughed and imagined Bellamy as a history professor, frantically telling his students about some greek god or something. It was everything she didn't expect of him.

"Anyway what else did you want to talk about?" Octavia asked and pulled her out of the mental scenario.

She sighed. "You surely know that he has to come here for check ups like every second day, right?" 

Octavia nodded.

"As far as I know you live 30 miles away. That's too far in case anything happens and he has to get here fast."

A tired look appeared on the girl's face but she immediately shook it off and replaced it with a humourless laugh.

"I know what you want to say but this one I'm not sure about. We looked at some appartments nearby but nothing's free and it's crazy expensive by the way" Octavia told her and then looked at the ground. Talking about money probably wasn't her favorite topic.

"I understand. Do you possibly have any friends who live here where Bellamy could stay for some time?" It was just too much of a risk if he would be living that far away.

"No, not really" the girl replied with a disencouraged look.

Clarke had to think, there had to be some kind of solution. Anything.

But nothing came to her mind.

"Okay" she said eventually. "You still have time. We'll figure something out."

-

Lexa was overly happy doing the paper work next to Clarke, who had a grumpy look on her face in contrary.

It had it's reason, one of them was that she still needed to talk to Bellamy and apologize, the second one was that she was clueless what to do about his living situation, the third one was that Clarke's only idea was idioticly impossible and stupid but somehow so predictable coming from her and the fourth reason was that it was indeed the only option Bellamy had so she had to actually tell him about it.

Clarke cursed herself for being so involved. Next time she had a patient with no insurance she would tell Lexa to marry them or literally any other doctor except her.

"The weather is awesome today, isn't it?" Lexa noted excitedly as she stretched her arms and then looked out of the window.

"Yeah, amazing" the blonde absently replied and silently wondered since when she was so happy and nice. It wasn't like Lexa was evil or something but she was usually focused on work and nothing else, not on the weather or on the patient's lives or on her collegues, just on medicine. 

"Tomorrow is supposed to be just as sunny as today."

Clarke didn't know why that mattered or why she was telling her that.

"Perfect for a picnic" Lexa continued and finished filling out a paper chart. Out of the corner of her eye Clarke could see the woman's eyes landing on her.

She shifted and gave a tiny smile not wanding to be rude.

"Do you like picnics, Clarke?" Lexa asked then and now it was the blonde who was staring at her. What kind of question was that? Why was Lexa asking her this?

"I don't know" she hesitantly answered. The watch on her arm caught her gaze, though, and she noticed that her shift was almost over. Clarke really needed to sort it out with Bellamy and she really had no desire to delay the issue on another day so it would be best to get it over with now, besides it was an excuse to go from whatever _this_ was. 

" I need to be somewhere, I'm sorry" she told Lexa with an apologetic smile and quickly scrambled her stuff together. The woman seemed to be disappointed by her sudden leaving guessing by the expression of her face.

Once Clarke was out of the door she had to reassemble her thoughts. It occured to her that Lexa had been perhaps trying to ask her out although she wasn't so sure  since the woman seemed like someone who would keep work and her private life miles apart. She _was_ hot and Clarke _did_ like her but it was somehow odd coming from Lexa.

The thought was shoved away swiftly, though, when she came near Bellamy's room and saw him laying in his bed. The laptop was on his lap again but this time closed. He had a frown on his face.

Clarke softly knocked on the doorframe to get his attention and when he turned around she quietly asked: "Do you have a minute?"

It seemed like an eternity until he finally nodded heavily. 

She approached the bed to sit down on the chair next to him. For a moment the words were stuck in her throat.

"I'm sorry, Bellamy. For what I said the other day and for suddenly disappearing."

Bellamy made a big act of pointedly not looking at her and taking all the time in the world for his reply.

"No need to apologize" he eventually simply said.

"Octavia told me what you thought - that I wanted to end our arrangement now that you've got your heart" Clarke explained. His jaw twitched at her explanation and he turned around to give her a look. A really venemous look, that made anger rise in her own stomach again.

"I didn't think that. I didn't care and I still don't."

She nodded biting her teeth because of course he would say that. He didn't care about this, he didn't care about anything. Hell, he didn't even care that he would had died if he hadn't gotten the insurance.

"Whatever" she huffed out with an eye roll wanting to stand up but staying in the spot she was sitting in.

"You need somewhere to live nearby the hospital" Clarke informed him after swallowing down her anger and pride simultaneously.

"I know."

"Well, do you have _something_?" 

Bellamy's eyes drilled into her with their intensity. 

"Why do _you_ care?" he asked instead of answering. The frustration inside Clarke seemed to expand by the second.

"Am I not allowed to?"

She didn't get an answer.

"I guess that was a no to my previous question" Clarke said with a sigh. This was exactly the reason why she always talked to his sister instead of him.

Bellamy huffed out a breath and shook his shead. "I'll figure something out" he declared while placing his laptop on the counter next to the hospital bed.

"Who are you kidding, Bellamy? Finding  an accommodation here in just a few days is practically impossible." 

"Do _you_ have any better suggestions?"

This question did stop her to think for a second. Where was she going with this? She did have an idea but it was out of line especially when it came to Bellamy. He wouldn't be too happy to hear about it so Clarke had a choice to make.

A beat. Then:

"Yes. I do."

Raised eyebrows.

"But promise me not to freak out" she requested and just like she had expected Bellamy already made a face.

"Why do I have the feeling that I'm not gonna like this?"

Clarke inhaled. Hell, she was already so deep involved why not just dive in a little further?

"You can stay with me."

He blinked.

"My appartment's five minutes away from the hospital and I have a guest room where you could sleep" she tried to explain but her voice sunk when she saw Bellamy's chest rising heavily. 

"Are you serious?" he asked without really expecting an answer. "I'm not some fucking charity project for you, Clarke! I don't need you trying to help me with my shit all the damn time!"

She took a sharp breath. It felt like every time she tried to help him it backfired on her.

"When are you going to realize that accepting help when it's offered isn't a bad thing?" Clarke threw at him, her voice loud and hitched from the frustration inside her.

"I did accept it. I got married to you. Now let me sort out my shit on my own!"

"You're so fucking stubborn, Bellamy" she hissed through gritted teeth. 

"So are you" the man barked back, crossing his arms.

Taking a step back closer, Clarke exhaled, calming down a little. "Just say yes, Bellamy, it's your best option."

"Why are you doing this, Clarke?"

She frowned because it was as clear as a day to her. She was a doctor, she helped people whether it was curing an illness or offering an idiot to live with her because he needed somewhere to crash for a while. Besides from what she learned from Octavia, Bellamy had taken care of his sister his whole life, perhaps it was time someone did the same for him.

" _Because_ " Clarke said. "You may be a total ass half the time but people need you, Bellamy, and they need you alive and healthy."

His eyes wandered over her face searching for something, maybe any indication of hidden motivations but Clarke had nothing to hide. 

Something inside her urged her to take him by his shirt and yell at him, yell at him to accept help just this one time, yell at him to realize that he wasn't some fuck up who didn't deserve saving or help. Instead she moved forward to sit again, laying her hand on his. 

At first, she thought he would reject it, draw back but he let her although his gaze eventually dropped  and he cleared his throat. Took a breath.

"You're not going to be so annoying all the time, though, are you?" he asked with a hint of a grin tugging at his lips.

Rolling her eyes, she lightly slapped his hand with hers which had been covering it before.

"Only if you stop being such an ass."

"I'll do my best" he laughed quietly.

"Then it's fine with me" Clarke smiled. She had no idea what she was letting herself into but that didn't matter to her in that moment.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it :) As always tell me what you liked/didn't like or let me know what you're hoping to see in the future!! Your last few comments really kept me going and made me really happy ❤️


	5. Moments of clarity

 

Clarke opened the door to her appartment and stepped in with Bellamy trailing close behind her. Setting his luggage down he looked around.

The blonde wasn't usually someone to get self conscious about things like her apartment, given that it _had_ a lot of space and _was_  pretty modern but she knew that it wasn't the coziest accommodation someone could live in. The colors were all white, with the exception for some rooms where she also had beige, coffeeish and baby blue colors. Everything was neatly put in its place and apart from a couple of framed pictures of her family and her friends hanging on the wall in the living room, there was no indication that it was _Clarke_ who lived her. The truth was that she just hadn't had the time to give her appartment a 'personality', being a medical resident was very time consuming so she had almost spent her enitre past two years at the hospital and barely had been around here.

A low whistle came from Bellamy, his eyes still wandering around the corridor and the kitchen right next to it. 

"Nice lodging, princess" he commented with a huff of breath. It was the first time Clarke saw him in any other light than the dim hospital exposure and she noticed the way his freckles were more visible now. Spreading like a universe of stars across his skin.

She tore her gaze away from his face and rolled her eyes as she took off the blue jacket she was wearing, hanging it away.

" _Princess_? Really?" she asked him with a raised brow when she turned back to him. It reminded her of Finn because he had always used to call her that but memories of Finn were never good ones.

"Well, you sure live like one" he answered. Clarke was not entirely sure how to take it, if he meant it in a good or in a bad way, so she just huffed out a laugh.

"Come on, I'll show you around" she said and proceeded to enter the kitchen, signing Bellamy to follow her.

"Obviously, this is the kitchen," Clarke started and showed him the fairly big space. "I don't cook very often since I never have the time or the willpower to do it so I usually just order or get takeout, which means the fridge's empty and I should _definitely_ go grocery shopping." The last bit was more of a note to herself rather than information for him but he took it in anyway.

"I can do that" he offered, although Clarke was already shaking her head.

"You don't have to Bellamy."

"You just said you don't even have time to cook and going grocery shopping takes a lot longer" he argued and had a point, she let him that. "Besides, that's the least I can do for you letting me stay here" he added after a beat.

That was new and also the closest thing she had gotten to a thank you yet.

"Ok, ok, just don't buy too much. Just because you're out of the hospital now, doesn't mean you're completely off the hook. Your body still needs rest" Clarke told him with a worried glance. Doing heavy physical activity was not allowed for some time after a heart transplantation, or even after every invasive surgery.

Bellamy just nodded unimpressed and she knew that he didn't take it as serious as he should.

After the kitchen, she showed him the living room and the bar, then the bathroom and lastly the guestroom which would become his own room. Every now and then he made a comment about how fancy everything was and she rolled her eyes at him.

When the tour was done she got herself a glass of apple juice while Bellamy was bringing his baggage into his new room.

It felt so strange that she wouldn't be living alone from now on. A thing she never had thought about anymore since she had got out of college. Sharing a room with someone in college, though, was a whole lot different than sharing your apartment with someone and she wasn't sure if was besser or worse.

"Any grocery wishes?" 

His voice startled her out of her own ramblings that she almost let her glass drop. She spinned around on the chair and shook her head.

"Not really" she replied but then something came to her mind that Bellamy might not know yet: "Although don't buy ONLY meat because I'm veggie."

She saw the flicker of annoyment sparking up in his eyes but it quickly disappeared and Clarke was thankful for not having to hear any 'leafeater comments' from him.

"Sure" he said, scratching the back of his neck. "I'll try to not eat that much then."

"Oh no, don't worry about that. I don't care about anyone else's eating habits, I'd just like to have something else besides meat and fish in my fridge when I'm home."

Bellamy nodded.

The clock showed 9:44 am, Clarke's shift started at 10 so she needed to get going now.

"Ok, I need to go to work now, you make yourself comfortable and feel like at home" she rambled while searching her bag for her car keys. She happily smiled when she finally found them, heading to the door before looking one last time over her shoulder to Bellamy who was leaning against the wall with crossed arms and an amused expression on his face.

"When will you be back?" he asked.

"Around 8 o'clock" she answered, giving him a quick smile. Then she headed out.

 

-

 

Work was slow that day but little Charlotte was back and Clarke was happy to see her again even though it had to be under the circumstance that she had  fainted a few times the past days.

Bringing her from one room to another to do different tests, she got to hear all about the cool things children did in fifth grade. But for the young age of twelve Charlotte was a lot more mature than the average twelve year old. It was probably due the fact that she had lost both of her parents through a car accident when she had been nine, becoming an orphan and being sent from foster home to foster home ever since. Now she had a new foster mother who was lovely and also very worried. Clarke really hoped her family would work out this time.

Later she was texting Raven during her break when Lexa decided to join her at the table. The woman greeted her with a big smile and shiny eyes.

"Hello Clarke."

"Hey" she said and put her phone away because she didn't want to come off rude.

"When do you get off today?" the woman asked. Clarke started to get the feeling she was about to being asked out by her for the second time if last time counted, too.

"At 7, why?"

The brunette gulped visibly.

"I wanted to ask you if you would like to go Joe's with me afterwards" she replied with her eyes steadily trained on Clarke. "Drinks on me" she added after a moment.

Joe's was a bar right across from the hospital and the most popular spot for residents and doctors to get a drink after their shift. Clarke had only been there a few times since she wasn't really social since she had moved here. This offer was an opportunity to make some friends and get to know Lexa better but then again, she wasn't sure if it was 'a date' and she wasn't quite ready to dive into a relationship with one of her collegues. Not yet. Asides from that, Bellamy was currently at her appartment and it certainly didn't come off good if she would come home wasted, even if he was the guest and not her.

"Uhm - I'm afraid I'm not really free tonight" she lied and smiled apologetically. "Somebody's waiting for me at home."

The excuse rolled off her tongue like it was natural to say that. Needless to say, nobody was waiting for her there. Bellamy was a guest or perhaps even a room mate for the next few months but that was about it.

Lexa nodded slowly, her eyes shifting from excitement to disappointment. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were in a relationship."

"Oh, I'm not. It's - it's just Bellamy, he's -" but Clarke was quickly cut off by furrowed brows and Lexa's voice.

"Bellamy Blake is waiting for you at home?"

A crease formed between the blonde's brows and she instinctly drew back a bit. 

"He _is_ because he lives there as of today" she explained dryly. 

Lexa raised her brow and huffed out a laugh. Clarke had a feeling it was not because she found it funny.

"Wow, Clarke. I thought marrying a patient to get him insured was very nice of you, generous even but now you're letting him stay with you? Isn't that a little bit too much?"

Mayhaps it was but it wasn't Clarke's style to refuse someone help when they were in need. After all, that was the reason why she had become a doctor and not something else.

"I think I can look after myself, thanks" she coldly said. The cup she was holding in her hand loudly came down on the table before she was ready to stand up and leave this conversation.

"You care about him. This one patient. Why?" Lexa demanded to know.

"I care about all of them" was her simple answer. It wasn't just Bellamy, it was little Charlotte, too and even Mrs. Kimsui with the rude husband. 

"Yet you worry about him more. You marry him. Then even move in with him."

Clarke sighed with a bitter smile on her lips. Of course, someone, who was more interested in getting the coolest and most interesting surgeries than her patient's well being, wouldn't understand her choices. 

"You just don't understand, Lexa, and I doubt you ever will" she told her. It had not been her intention to start a feud or attack the woman but before she could say anything else, a cold and hurt stare appeared on her face. Now it was too late to take it back but Clarke wasn't even sure if she wanted that. She stood by what she had said so that's why she got up and left the table without another word.

From that moment on her mood spiraled downwards like a body made its way down the cliff: fast and without any break whatsoever.

Even little Charlotte couldn't help.

So when she was walking up the stairs to her apartment, Clarke had a feeling this day would end with a bang (but the argument-type-of-bang not sex-bang). She knew how easy it was for Bellamy and her to get into each other's throats especially if one of them was feeling moody.

Therefore it was even more surprising to open the door and have a delicious smell hit her. Was it lasagna? It certainly seemed like it, and trust Clarke to know what food it was just by sniffing the air. She was a pro.

Her energy level slowly rose since having actual food here meant she didn't have to eat junkfood or order some unhealthy shit that would make her feel bad. 

Clarke quickly undressed herself and made her way to the kitchen where she found Bellamy, with his back to her, cutting vegetables or something like that and humming along to a song that was being played on his phone. 

It was a strange sight. Someone in her appartment, making dinner. The someone being Bellamy. She shook her head trying to figure out if this was some kind of dream sequence playing in her head because it simply seemed so unreal.

It wasn't, though. It was real.

Clarke cleared her throat after watching him for a moment, not wanting to startle him (or seem like a creeper who was staring). 

"Smells good" she remarked when Bellamy spinned around, obviously surprised to find her right behind him. She probably should start shouting that she was back every time she came home so that there were less surprises.

"I didn't notice you come in" he deadpanned like she didn't already know that by the skeered look in his eyes.

"Yeah, sorry about that" Clarke apologized with a tiny smile, shrugging. "Watcha cooking there?"

He looked over to the oven where the heavenly smell came from.

"Lasagna. Hope you like that."

She knew it was it. Nothing had a scent as good as good old lasagna. It was probably her favorite dish next to thai food.

"Are you kidding? I love it" she told him, incredulously shaking her head at the cooncidence that he was cooking her absolute most adored meal.

Bellamy smiled softly and then turned back to cutting vegetables.

"That's good. I'm also making a salad as a side dish" he explained and threw the perfectly cut food into a bowl. "The food will be ready in about 20 minutes."

Clarke nodded and then told him that she would take a quick shower and change quickly before dinner.

The shower felt unbelievably good, washing every bad thing off her body, and then throwing on her most comfy sweatpants and a warm jumper also did  wonders but coming to the kitchen to a set table with delightsome food waiting for her was certainly the best part. Her previous bad mood vanished.

The lasagna was to die for and even the salad was delicate. At some point Clarke found herself making sounds that were probably unappropriate but she wasn't exactly the person to care about this.

"You like it?"

An over exaggerated nod.

"Love it. Where did you learn to cook this good?" Clarke wanted to know as she put leaf of salad along with a tomato in her mouth.

"I always had to cook for O' when we were children. Our mom, she never had time. Besides, I like it. It's kind of fun" Bellamy replied. She didn't miss the reminiscing look ln his face when talking about his mother.

"That's great" she noted. It was great especially if that meant she would get to eat such good food more often. 

"Not only the cooking part. What you did for Octavia" Clarke added after swallowing down her food. 

It was this vulnerability that appeared every time his childhood came up just like now.

"Well, she's my family" Bellamy simply said with a nod. His eyes were dancing around the room as if he couldn't focus on anything. "And my responsibility."

"She's lucky to have you."

Something else appeared on his face, a flicker of fear, or perhaps regret? 

"Not as much as I am. " He shook his head with his eyes trained on the table.

In Clarke's opinion both of them were good people, sure the man in front of her was sometimes straight out rude and even his sister had mood swings from time to time but at the end of the day, they were both kind and good spirited and most importantly, they had such love between them like she had never seen before. 

 At times she even felt a slight jolt of jealousy when she was around them.

As a child Clarke had always wanted a sibling so that she could have someone to play with. A few years later when she was in her teenager phase the wish disappeared, being an only child definitely had its advantages but now... Now she wasn't sure. It would have been nice to have someone care about her as much as Bellamy did for Octavia and the other way around.

"You both are."

Bellamy glanced up. "You don't have any siblings, do you?"

"Nope."

"Your parents? Are they - ?"

She knew somehow that he wanted to ask if they were still alive. Because his weren't. His mother wasn't and his father had left.

"They're good. Fine."

It was funny but ever since they had known each other, this was actually the first time they talked about this.

"That's good."

Clarke nodded. It was good, it was great to still have her parents whereas he didn't. She made a mental note to call them again, no, better, she would call them tonight and chat with them. Let them know she loved them.

Both her plates, the one where the lasagne had been and the salad plate were empty. It had been delicious. She didn't know if that would happen more frequently now, eating real food, but she could definitely get used to it.

"Thanks for the food, Bellamy. It was seriously amazing" she said as she stood up to put their plates into the dishwasher. It was a little hard go get up because she was so full. And satisfied.

"Just a little thank you" Bellamy said and looked at her. "For inviting me to live here."

Clarke glanced surprised over her shoulder. A moment passed in which she thought about what to say. Eventually she just shrugged but smiled to herself.

"You're welcome."

-

It rang. Once. Twice. Then:

"Hello? Clarke?"

The blonde smiled. It was so nice to hear her mother's voice.

"Hi mom."

"Hey, sweetie. Is everything okay? Did something happen?"

It was ridiculous that her mom was so not used to her calling that she was immediately concerned something had happened.

"No, mom, everything's fine. I just called because I wanted to talk to you. I miss you, dad and you" she said into her phone and leaned back against her bedframe.

"Oh honey, we miss you too. How are you? How's the programm going?"

The programm was the medical programm she was being trained in at the hospital. The one her mom actually didn't want her to go to because it wasn't on top of the list of US' best hospitals and because it was too ordinary.

"I'm fine and work is fine, too. I really like being a doctor at this hospital, mom."

There was a sigh on the end of the other line, but the words that followed were gentle: "That's amazing, Clarke. I'm so glad you like it there.. but -" her mom stopped for a moment. "But we do miss you terribly. When are you going to visit us? You said you would take leave soon."

Clarke wanted to. She had already planned her trip to her hometown but then she met the Blakes and she figured then it would be better to delay her vacation. She wanted to but now wasn't the best time either.

She closed her eyes.

"I don't know. I'm pretty busy at the moment. Maybe in the summer?"

Summer in washington dc had always been her favorite time of the year. Clarke spent almost every day with Wells or other school friends. They went to the swimming pool, sat in the park and tried to guess other people's ages, visited the newest art gallery or strolled through some unknown market where people sold watermelons and handmade bracelets.

"That would be great. Your dad would be thrilled."

"Where is he right now?" She asked. A tired smile was tugging on her lips.

"He went to bed already. He would have stayed up if he had know that you'd call, honey" her mother answered.

"It's okay" she said. "He has a meeting tomorrow morning, doesn't he?"

Clarke knew that her father always went to bed early when he had an important appointment the next day although he usually stayed up until late night, working on something, planning his newest something or just drinking wine with his wife and talking until the first rays of the sun shined through the windows.

"Yes, he's been working on a new project lately and he's giving a presentation tomorrow" her mom told her with a soft voice.

Clarke smiled. "Tell him I wished him good luck and give him my thumbs up."

"Of course, honey."

"How are _you_ doing, mom?"

She knew that it wasn't always easy. Sometimes there were dark clouds even on a good day.

"Oh, I've been crazy busy but I have a feeling I've been more on the phone or behind the desk than in the OR lately."

Abby Griffin was chief of surgery and the job wasn't exactly the most simple on.

"Sorry to hear that. The paper work?"

"Oh yes, the _paperwork_ " the woman sighed. Then after a beat: "How is your - your friend doing? I believe his name was Bellamy?"

Clarke gulped. Should she tell her that he had just moved in? Or should she spare her the details?

A few seconds went by.

"Bellamy's good. He got his heart transplant a few weeks ago. Already recovering."

She decided that for now it was better not to say anything. Besides, it wouldn't matter any way in six months or a year, right? Bellamy's stay would be temporary and before she would even notice or her mother find out he would be already gone again.

"He's good" Clarke repeated.

"I'm happy to hear that" her mom said. "You saved his life, Clarke. I'm proud of you."

Hearing it last time from her father was one thing but hearing these words from her mother was another thing. It was surprising and unexpected and beautiful. It was beautiful to see how far they had come, her mom and Clarke.

They continued talking for a couple of minutes but Clarke was tired so she said goodbye and slipped under the sheets, ready to sleep.

Clarke thought about the relaptionship with her mom, about her adulthood back home and about the look Bellamy had in his eyes when she told him that he was a good person for taking care of his sister. She had already seen that look in the eyes of his sister. Curiosity peeked at her sides but she decided that it would be best to not overstep her boundaries and not inquire any information on that topic.

Bellamy and her probably weren't even real friends yet.

She had no idea, though, what they were about to become in the next months. Not in the slightest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! Make sure to tell me what you thought about it, I was thrilled about the last comments and your thoughts! :) 
> 
> I'll probably update every week or try to but the next months are going to be very stressful and busy for me but I love writing this story so I'll make sure to take my time and I hope you will keep reading it <3 
> 
> Next on: Clarke and Bellamy's adventures in living together + we will finally meet the full gang :)


	6. primavera

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically just fluff lol

_Beep_. _Beep. Beep_. Her alarm went off.

Clarke woke up and the first thing that she noticed was the smell of scrambled eggs along with a burned touch to it.

A muffled groan into her pillow before she opened her eyes again and sighed. Her bed was too warm and cozy right now to get up and leave it. 

But duty called. Facing the day and being productive called so she kind of wrestled out of her bed and walked into the bathroom.

It smelled like cologne in there. Like Bellamy. Clarke shook her head, wondering how much space and corners of the appartment he had already nestled into even though it was only two weeks ago when he had moved in.

After brushing her teeth she shuffled into the living room where she found Bellamy sitting at the bar and reading newspaper while he was eating his eggs.

He was probably the only person who still read the news.

"Did you burn your eggs? _Again_?" Clarke asked him sniffing the smell of something burned, like she did every day.

"No" Bellamy slowly replied. He was totally lying.

"You did! At least open the windows before someone suffocates in here."

After letting in some fresh air, she poured herself a freshly brewed cup of coffe. This was the thing she liked most about Bellamy living here next to the delicious food he could cook, he always made coffee.

"It's not my fault your stove has some kind of functioning problems. And it's not that bad, you're being dramatic."

"I told you you can't just turn it to the hottest setting and then walk away."

"It would take too long if it's not on the highest notch."

Clarke rolled her eyes.

Bellamy always started making eggs by turning the stove on super hot but then he usually left to clean his shoes or some other not so important activity that he actually could do afterwards and the food burned.

"Then don't just leave."

"I don't - That was _one_ time" he protested.

It was not.

She let out a sigh and settled next to him with coffee and a sandwich.

Today was her day off. She could do whatever she wanted.

"Hey, what are you doing today?"

Bellamy glanced shortly to her and then back to his article about 'preserving a temple off grafitti'.

"Write. Have meeting with my agent. Write some more. Cook dinner. Why?"

She raised her brows not really having expected to get a real answer.

"I don't know what I should do today."

Setting his newspaper down, he turned to fully look at her.

"You want suggestions, princess?"

Clarke took a sip. She would never ger used to Bellamy calling her princess.

"If you have any, apart from writing about greek mythology and reading boring stuff."

"It's not boring" he argued with furrowed eyebrows.

She nodded strongly. "Yes, it _is_."

"So you want suggestions or not, princess?"

"I'll figure something out if it's _too demanding_ for you."

Bellamy gave her an eye roll before speaking: "What haven't you done in a while? Or maybein years?"

Clarke reflected and there was one thing that immediately came to her mind. A thing she had almost forgotten but now that she remembered it a sudden burst of inspiration rushed through her.

"Paint" she answered.

The man in front of her looked surprised. "You paint?" he wanted to know.

"I _did_ " she corrected with a nod. Painting had been her hobby since she was seven years old, back since her parents gave her the first set of brushes and colors. "But that was a long time ago."

"Well, here you go. Paint something."

It was an itriguing thought to mix colors again and draw blurred lines and completely lose herself in the act but she wasn't sure. Not yet.

"Maybe" Clarke said. "First I go grocery shopping, pick up some stuff. Then we'll see."

-

Three hours later Clarke was back home again. She had bought everything on her grocery list, stocked up the fridge and even tidied her bedroom. Now would be the perfect opportunity to get out the canvas and the old brushes and sit down and just go but something inside her, a nagging feeling, didn't quite seem to want that to happen.

So she sat on her bed for a total of twenty and something minutes until the white wall she was facing, became too plain and Clarke hastily got up to walk around..

She didn't understand why it was so hard for her. 

After another ten minutes she finally left her room and instead entered another one at the end of the hallway, 'the mystery' room as Bellamy had put it when he first saw it. Well, technically he didn't see it that's why he called it the mystery room.

_"What's in there?" he had asked after Clarke had showed him her own sleeping space._

_"Oh, it's just - just kind of a storage room where I keep all my old stuff." Her voice stuttered a bit, immediately giving away that it wasn't quite true, at least not the whole truth._

_Bellamy's right brow shot up._

_"Apartments usually don't have storage rooms, Clarke."_

_She gave him a look._

_"That's why I said kind of a storage room."_

The truth was that there was no mysterious secret behind the white door, only old things that didn't belong to her life anymore, like the necklace Finn had given her on her birthday back in college or an old cardigan that smelled like red leaves and vanilla scented candles. Clarke didn't use or need these things anymore so she put them all here but there was something about it she didn't want the rest of the world to see.

The most striking thing about the space, Clarke noticed when she gazed around, was the way its content made it so alive even though the walls were white. Especially the paintings, oh the colorful paintings of blue water fountains, green parks full of trees, red and orangeish sunsets, buldings and people. Her friends. Her family. Strangers she had seen in the mall. All of it was here.

There was one thing she realised when she saw it all again. Clarke wasn't the girl who painted anymore. She was the one who treated people with bullet wounds and sick hearts now and this room was the proof.

A heavy sigh.

It was _just_ painting, or it should have been but it wasn't. Not for her.

Clarke let herself drop back into an old armchair of hers, it was dusty and hideous with its blue and orange colors but it was still comfy. Closing her eyes, she started imagining what she would paint. Would it be people, objects or sceneries? Or perhaps just random blotches of colors that would only form a picture if she closed her eyes?

Yes, it would be latter. Brown dots spreading across a mildly olive colored surface like an asteroid shower in space. Somehow it didn't occur to her that it was in fact a person or rather their face she was dreaming about.

A loud door falling closed yanked Clarke out of her head and back into the room.

It was probably just Bellamy who had come home from his meeting.

The thought of him made her feel like she should at least try to paint something, after all the previous picture in her head didn't seem so bad so Clarke managed to find an empty canvas, not so big, perfect for the first piece she would do after  years again and she got out her brushes along with the acrylic paint.

Hesitantly, the blonde took a long, pointed brush into her fingers. Squeezing the figure.

A blot on the white material.

Clarke inhaled.

Another one.

She exhaled.

Her right hand only stopped again when there wasn't any space to fill anymore. The canvas was full one could say, but it didn't resemble what she had in mind. It basically didn't resemble anything at all, it was just colors.

Clarke stood up and gave it one last look before leaving the room. It was not what she had imagined but she was proud of it anyway.

-

Bellamy was on the phone with Octavia, discussing something about pizza dough and mozarella. It made Clarke's stomach growl as she was spread out on the couch watching a movie about zombies. 

"Yes, yes. Don't worry, I will. See you later, O'" he mumbled into his phone before letting himself fall on the couch next to her.

"Is Octavia coming over tonight?" Clarke asked with a hopeful tone in her voice. The evenings when Octavia come over were always funny because she would always bring booze, food, or both and then Bellamy would watch them getting sloppy drunk with a grumpy face because he wasn't allowed to drink alcohol. It was hilarious.

"No, I'm going out tonight" Bellamy answered. "We're going to a friend's place."

"Oh, okay" she said and focused back on the movie, trying to ignore the feeling of disappointment sluggishly flooding into her system. She would order an own pizza then, and continue cuddling the pillows on the couch. No big deal. 

She heard him clearing his throat. Then:

"Do you wanna join us?"

Clarke gulped before looking at him uncertainly.

"You sure? I don't mean to invite myself, you know?"

A crease formed between Bellamy's brows and his brown eyes gazed over her.

"What are you talking about? I literally just asked you."

She rolled her eyes and huffed out a laugh. "Yes, Bellamy, I know but I meant that you don't have to invite me anywhere just because we're sharing an apartment now."

Shaking his head, he let out a breath. 

"I know that" he said. "I'm not just asking because we live together, I'm asking because you're our friend, Clarke."

It was strange hearing these words out of his mouth. Him who she had been constantly fighting with the first month and him who got mad when she had offered to move here in the first place but in the end, what he was saying was true. They were, even if it was hard to believe for her thinking about their first encounter, friends.  

Living with Bellamy changed their relationship. He wasn't always grumpy and frowning, altough still too often in her opinion, and he was a comforting person to be around with when Clarke came home from a long and exhausting day at the hospital. Every morning he made a pot of coffe although it was always a cup of tea standing next to his newspaper. He cooked dinner and didn't say a word when Clarke ate three plates because it was so insanely delicious. He listened to her complain about annoying collegues at work and made her a margarita afterwards to 'calm her nerves'. Bellamy was a good room mate but more importantly, he had also become a friend.

"Okay" Clarke nodded and smiled at the man next to her. "I'd love to join you wherever it is that you're going."

"Their names are Jasper and Monty. We'll make pizza" Bellamy explained as he swept away some crumbs that had been lying next to her elbow. Without realizing it Clarke followed the motion with her eyes and noticed exactly _how_ muscular his arms were, especially in the navy blue shirt he was wearing. She blamed it on her period that made her extra horny for all kinds of things but then again, she _was_ a sucker for sexy arms.

It occured to her after several seconds passed by it might be weird to stare so she tore her gaze away and looked back at him.

"Sounds good to me" she said but soon enough her eyes had already landed on his face. The messy, black hair, his deep brown eyes, all those freckles and oh, his lips which looked unbelievably soft and kissable. 

Clarke quickly looked away while a pink color made its way up her cheeks because she realized what she had been just thinking about.

"You ok?"

Was it so obvious she had just thought about fucking kissing Bellamy Blake?

"Yeah, sure. I'm fine" she lied but kept her gaze forced on the TV.

"Ok. Be ready to go at 7 pm."

Clarke just nodded.

 

 -

 

Jasper and Monty's place was _different_ than her own to say the least. It was colorful, piled up with strange objects Clarke had never seen before, with deep purple couches and bright green pillows and it was vivid, vivid with chatter and laughter from the people that were hanging around. She decided that she liked it.

When Bellamy and Clarke had arrived the 'crew', like Jasper called them, welcomed them happily with wide smiles and open arms. Even her although it was the first time she saw any of them. 

She found that Monty Green was very nice and to be honest adorable because of his tiny smile and the mushroom hair on his head. He told her that he was in his senior year in engineering and that all the pot they had stashed here was the only thing that kept him going. Nice dude.

Jasper Jordan probably was already stoned when he introduced himself, considering how red his eyes were but he was funny and when she learned that he was going to transfer to Duke Raleigh Hospital soon to work as a pharmacist, she realized it would be a great opportunity to have another friend at work besides Lexa, who she wasn't currently talking to anyway.

The third person she met was Nathan Miller, but she probably wouldn't call it meeting since she had already got to know during Bellamy's stay at the hospital. The young man was still friendly, and still best buds with Bellamy.

Despite the fact that these people were all nice, Clarke couldn't shake the feeling that she didn't truly belong, so she was greatly relieved when Octavia finally popped in and immediately pulled her into a hug.

"I was so happy when Bell told me you'd come, too!" the brunette said smiling after releasing her.

Clarke returned the smile and followed the girl into the empty kitchen where all kind of products were stapled. Like Bellamy had told her they wanted to make pizza and  from what it looked like other food but so far nobody made an effort to actually start.

"I'm glad you two asked me."

Octavia shook her head at this as she started to get out tins of tomatoes out of the fridge. 

"Oh, it was Bell's idea."

A soft warmth spread in her belly. Clarke blamed it on her hunger.

"Dont get me wrong, I love these guys. I grew up with 'em but female company is definitely appreciated once in a while" Octavia told her. There were sparkles in her eyes, Clarke noticed. As if she had just sunbathed in glitter and sunshine. She had a suspicion but decided to ask her about the glow later.

"You grew up with them?" she asked instead. Octavia and Bellamy's childhood was yet another thing she didn't get to hear about too often.

The brunette nodded, handing Clarke a pot and signing her to fill it with water.

"Yeah, they were Bellamy's friends and everyone who was friends with him, was friends with me. They're like my four other annoying, older brothers" she answered, her lips curving up ever so slightly at the memories.

"That must have been nice" Clarke commented and thought of her own childhood: without any sibling, the only brother figure in her life being Wells. "Always having someone to play with."

"Sure" Octavia sighed as she started making the pizza sauce. "But like I said, it is only so much fun to deal with so much testosterone" she added with a giggle.

Before Clarke could say anything a boy walked in, one she hadn't met a couple of minutes ago. He had a small figure, braided brown hair and a sassy smirk on his face.

"Aw 'tavia, who's this blondie friend of yours?" was the first sentence out of his mouth and Clarke immediately rolled her eyes.

"Ignore him Clarke" Octavia said with a light smile and shook her head. "That's just Murphy's way of saying hello."

Murphy haltered when he heard her name and glanced over her with a surprised face.

"Wait, you're Clarke? The Clarke?"

Her brows drew up in confusion and she gave him a look. Why was he saying ' _the Clarke'_ as if she was some kind of infamous persona around here?

"Just Clarke is enough" she said dryly.

Octavia elbowed her and they shared a chuckle. 

"Yeah, Murphy. That's _the Clarke_ , thanks for making it so obvious" the girl retorted and then spinned around back to the counter where the pizza dough was rolled out, her long brown hair went flying with it.

Murphy shrugged unconcerned.

"Don't blame me, you're the ones always talking about Clarkey." 

"I hope you only heard good things then" Clarke commented with a raised brow. She didn't know which nickname was worse, Princess or Clarkey.

The boy mustered her from head to toe, which made her all kinds of uncomfortable, before replying: "Depends on how you define good.. So how _exactly_ did Bellamy get you not only to become his wife but also live with you?"

Sometimes the blonde wanted to know the answer to this question, too. 

"It was blackmailing, wasn't it?"

Clarke made a face, trying to find the best possible way to react but sure enough, the kitchen got filled up with a new member as Bellamy Blake himself strolled in.

"Speaking of the devil..." Murphy mumbled and turned around to face him.

"What was that?" Bellamy asked curiously with raised eyebrows. This time he wore a tight black shirt, emphasis on _tight,_ and yet again his lean, buff physique was unmissable (to Clarke).

"We were just wondering how you got a girl like Clarke, that's all."

"Yeah, just you, Murphy" Octavia cut in before her brother had a chance to answer, then happily going back to create her own pizza.

Bellamy narrowed his eyes and huffed out a breath. "She's not my girlfriend" he grumbled, pushing past the two of them to help Octavia. Even from behind she could see the way his broad shoulder tensed up as he spoke.

"Yes and I am not his girlfriend" Clarke helplessly added even though she understood that this statement wasn't needed anymore but just in case...

The brunette turned back around and crossed her arms, giving both of them a stern look which frightened her a little,to be honest. 

"I think everyone's already aware of your platonic relationship. How about you freaking help us get on with the food?"

"Oh, don't waste your time, O'. Clarke never helps in the kitchen" Bellamy casually uttered with his back to the three of them.

Clarke gaped at his spinal irritated, a scandalized gasp coming from her mouth. This was not true. Of course she wasn't the biggest cooking fan on the planet, or even a human who really had the time for it at all but if she was asked for help she wasn't going to be someone to refuse it.  

"Excuse me?"

"What?" he innocently said, shaking his head as if he hadn't just exposed a tremendeously nasty lie in front of these people. 

"You never a-" but his sister already jumped in and put her hand on the blonde's mouth to stop her from talking. 

"Shhhh, Clarke" she whispered. "No more arguments. No more wasting our breaths. Go get the others and tell them it's about damn time they move their lazy asses to the kitchen, 'k?" Her gentle but simultaneously threatening voice made it clear that she wasn't anyone one would like to fuck with if it was about food.

"Not his girlfriend but his wife. Like _literally_ " Clarke heard Murphy comment when she left the room but then again didn't miss Octavia's rigorous ' _Murphy_!'.

Half an hour later everyone was shuffling around the kitchen, working their own tasks to create the perfect 'italian dinner' and having different conversations at the same time. Even Clarke was helping, despite her 'never availing' according to Bellamy, she was adorning various pizzas with toppings AND slicing tomatoes for the tasty salad they were making. 

Jasper was just about to tell her about their long tradition of these cooking evenings when Bellamy impolitely interrupted them to point out that she was cutting them wrong but Clarke wasn't even certain there was a wrong way to do it. 

"You have to slice smaller bites, it's easier to enjoy that way" he said as he placed his hand on hers to show her the right way. 

She didn't miss Jasper following the movement with his eyes since she did the same thing, her breathing unexpectedly hitching when their skin touched. Stressed out by his presence, the blonde quickly skewed to tell Bellamy she didn't need a live demonstration, however she found herself staring right into his face and sure enough her gaze travelled from his eyes downwards to his lips. 

Someone cleared their throat and she swiftly pulled away, pushing the man behind her backwards as she straightened her back and tried to shake off this stupid feeling in her body. Damn her period and all the effects it caused.

"I'm not stupid, I got this." Her voice came out sharper than she had wanted.

"Anyway, as I was saying..." Jasper spoke again when Bellamy walked a few steps back with his eyes still on her, eventually lowering the gaze going back to his own dish though.

Clarke gulped down a knot in her throat that had formed the moment he lined up behind her, she couldn't pin the sentiment down she was experiencing right now. It could have been all of them: anger, shame, want..

"It started a few years ago when we were in college and I think it was the Blake's crib, yeah, we were hanging around there, hungry ass kids y'know, all of us probably stoked so Bellamy started cooking something -"

"Not something, it was Pancit - this Filipino dish" Monty cut in from behind the counter where he was standing next to Clarke. She almost let her knife fall because his sudden voice startled her.

Jasper nodded excitedly. "Oh yes, I remember now and oh my god Clarke - you cannot imagine the heavenly taste we enjoyed that day."

"So that's why the next time we were at Bellamy and Octavia's house we tried to cook different Filipino dishes" Month explained with a huge smile playing on his lips and stole a piece of tomato.

"That's how we started having these foody evenings together-"

"But not only that, we had theme nights every time-"

"So one week we had the french cuisine and the next we would cook-"

"- thai food. It was the best. invention. ever." 

At this point the two boys were peering off into the distance, presumably thinking about the old times or something like that. 

Clarke giggled at their dreamy expressions and commented that the historical origin of it was very remarkable and needless to say, they thought so, too.

In the course of the night lots of delicious dishes emerged like various tasty Pizzas, yummy Pasta along with a pesto sauce and mozarella, a vegetarian lasagna (probs to Bellamy for remarking that she didn't eat meat) and tasty, green salads as a side dish. In the end Clarke was completely replete and overly satisfied. After the feast, Murphy got out a bottle of rum whereas Jasper offered to fetch the bong from his room (although there was one standing right in front of them in the living room but according to Monty it wasn't functioning anymore) but Clarke refused either since she had an early shift tomorrow and there was no way she would go through that with a hangover.

They left at approximately 2am, Bellamy driving with Clarke as shotgun and a slightly drunk Octavia spread out in the backseat. 

"Look, I _did_ help in the kitchen" she stated out of nowhere. The look she gave him was a mix of pride and determination to prove him wrong.

A low and raspy chuckle came out of his throat as his lips lightly curled upwards.

"You did, princess."

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you are my lovelies! As promised the gang (don't worry I didn't forget about Raven she will come into play veriiii soon) and some nice and easy fluff to keep it going. I actually can't believe this fic is already over 20k words long and I'm not even sure if we're already at the half of it (prob not) so if you are reading this, there's so much to happen yet :) if you don't like it I'm sorry you have to read this trash. 
> 
> Feel free to talk to me and tell me everything, your thoughts, your feelings or whatever. I'm always happy to hear your opinions <3 ALso I apologize for any mistakes, I'm basically ill and very very tired so i didn't edit it really thoroughly haha sorry


	7. Underneath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of things:
> 
> 1) Nope, haven't forgotten the fic. I was very busy lately + somewhat unmotivated + not really in a good place, so thats why it took so long
> 
> 2) I was wondering if anyone who is reading this would be interested in betaing? I realise that since English isn't my native language, some of the things that I write aren't entirely correct so yeah if anyone wants to help out, I'd be delighted
> 
> 3) Part of why I was unmotivated was because I spent a lot of time on the last chapter but then I received no feedback at all which happens sometimes I guess but... if you have the time to read 4k words or leave a kudos, why not sacrifice another minute and just.. let me know what you think? Comments are so important you guys and they make me so happy and its really disappointing when you work on a chapter and then it gets like... zero recognition? Idk just my thoughts

She didn't know where all the blood was coming from. It was just so much and _everywhere,_ on her hands, on the operation table, on the floor and it kept coming. Until it suddenly didn't any more.

"Why did it stop?" Clarke asked, trying to find a logical explanation in Dr. Kane's face but his expression betrayed the hope she was clinging to.

The heartbeat, which had been previously in a ventricular fibrilation, flatlined. An answer wasn't necessary anymore.

Her right hand trembled at the thought of... no, it couldn't be so she placed her scalped on the table next to her and started taking off her gloves, preparing for the CPR. 

"Get the defibrillators" Clarke ordered with a hitched voice but when no one made a move whatsoever, she added a loud "Now!"

"Clarke," Kane said softly, his hands not touching the patient and his worried gaze on her. "She's lost too much blood."

The words echoed in her mind but she only heard them properly when the silence in the OR became too loud. 

"No" she shook her head and hectically started searching for the CPR set that should be around somewhere. "We can't just give up on her, we need the defibrallators!"

A firm grip on her shoulder made her turn around and look into Kane's fixed face.

"She is gone. There's nothing we can do for her anymore."

"She's twelve!" Clarke exclaimed desperately, her head shaking in utter disbelief. Charlotte was only twelve years old, she had a whole life ahead of her and she only had surgery because of a slight bleeding in her brain, a procedure that only lasted an hour. She. couldn't. be. dead. 

Dr. Kane's hand released her shoulder and he looked at the clock, whose ticking she could feel vibrate in her bones. 

"Time of death: 8:39 pm."

The world came to a  gradual halt for several seconds as she tried frantically to find a way to breathe again but she couldn't, the thought of actually letting in the death of Charlotte hurt too much. She stood there, unable to move with her eyes fixed on the ground and the only thing she could see in front of her was the twelve year old's infantile face. 

Her light brown hair.

Her curious brown eyes.

The burning in her lungs exploded when she finally exhaled and the world came back to it's usual speed. The doctors, nurses and anasthetists were moving around, quietly, perhaps a little drained but still moving on with their lives because working at the hospital meant they would experience people dying, young and old, good and bad. Whilst the constant heavy lingering of the gone would probably never entirely stop, it became easier to endure with time. 

However this was Clarke's first child death. She had seen patients dying on her operation table but not - not a kid..

Not a twelve year Charlotte who had yet to see the word, meet people, get her first paycheck, live through good times, bad times but live!

She was dead, though.

The first rule her mother had taught her about life as a surgeon was not to get involved. There was a fine line between being a compassionate doctor interacting with patients and caring too deeply, even though Clarke knew she was sometimes walking dangerously close  between these two, she thought she could manage it. Now she wasn't so sure any more. Once she crossed it, the way out of the hole she would sink into would be terribly difficult.

"Damn it!" Her words filled up the air in the room as the people watched her kick the trash bin with her one foot and eventually escape the OR with tears stinging in her eyes.

On the way to the dressing room, Clarke tried to recall every step she had taken that eventually lead to Charlottes death, she desperately tried to find out how they had missed the bleeding and most importantly, she wanted to know if it was her fault. If she had killed little Charlotte. But her memories were foggy and blurry and pictures of Charlotte's pale face kept flashing in front of her eyes. 

At one point it got so bad she got sick and threw up into the nearest trash bin she could find. Clarke didn't mind the people who stared at her when she got up again and wiped away the remainings of her lunch with the sleeve of her lab coat. It didn't matter.

Huddled away in a corner of the locker room Clarke kept numbly replaying the scene in her head. What had gone wrong? 

Brain bleeding. Surgery. Another bleeding? Ventricular fibrillation and then -

"Clarke?" 

A voice cut through her thoughts, however she didn't turn around. It was just lexa, in fact it was the first time the woman spoke to her again in weeks but that didn't matter to her now. Instead she was imagining how to tell the foster mom. God, she had just gotten into a loving and caring home..

Lexa was now standing next to her, she carefully placed a hand on Clarke's shoulder which made her jerk in surprise.

"What?"

"Are you feeling alright? Your mascara is somewhat smeared" the brunette remarked and reached closer to point at it or perhaps even try to wipe it away but Clarke swiftly escaped the gesture and stood up, walking over to the sink. 

There were a few spots of Charlotte's blood on her hands. A couple others on her scrubs. 

"I'm fine" she said in a not so credible voice when she saw Lexa's still curious gaze in the mirror. She didn't sound convincing and neither did she look like it. Lexa was right her mascara was smudged around the corner of her eyes and she just looked worn out. Tired. 

There was no time for this though, Clarke thought. She needed to inform the foster mom about Charlotte's death. She needed to fill out the paper work. She was still assigned to other patients. She needed to get on.

"You certainly do not look like 'fine'."

She spinned around and gave the brunetted a pointed look, "Wow, thanks."

Lexa squinted. 

However before she could attempt another try at asking about her well being, Clarke mumbled a quick excuse that she was needed somewhere and left the room. 

She didn't have the nerve for this right now.

Arriving in the waiting room, she braced herself for the conversation that was about to come. Bearing the death news to family and friends was at least one of the main cons of being a surgeon and doctor, another one of course included the deaths. 

Her hand started shaking when she spotted the good looking lady with the gorgeous black curls that was Charlotte's foster mother - or had been. She felt tears forming again which made her feel incredibly frustrated and simultaneously angry. She shouldn't be crying. She was supposed to behave professional.

It was a surprise and even a greater relief when all of sudden Marcus Kane appeared and walked over to the woman. Before he started though, he looked into Clarke's direction and gave her a nod. 

Dr. Kane told the foster mom. It didn't ease the heavy pressure in her chest when she saw the beautiful woman turn into an ugly crying mess.

 

* * *

 

When Clarke came home that afternoon, Bellamy wasn't there which was a rather rare occasion since the man was usually lingering somewhere with his black notebook and dorky reading glasses, cursing his writers block and moping around or eventually just lying on the couch after he had given up, contemplating his career as an author (which commonly happened twice a day). It never bothered her having him around all the time since she knew Bellamy didn't have that much latitude when it came to activities due to his heart condition and because she wasn't at home that often, anyway. Besides, her now room mate wasn't such an unpleasant company after all.

This time however she was relieved to find herself alone in the apartment. Clarke's mood was lousy, she was on edge and ready to flop down into her bed and contemplate _her_ career. 

It seemed like the image of Charlotte's lifeless face didn't want to go away no matter how hard she tried so Clarke decided perhaps a little distraction would help. 

The blonde shuffled to the kitchen and noticed not for the first time the way the space had transformed since Bellamy moved in. It was a bit more _messy,_ not dirty, no, not at all because he was a neat freak when it came to cooking and shit, but everything wasn't so tucked into place, so posed like a showpiece. A few cutting boards and cups were here and there and not to mention the shit ton of newspaper that was lying around. The place was _livid_. 

Clarke looking around thought about how she didn't mind these subtle changes but now she needed something to get her hands to. She chose to cook something herself for a change since it was always Bellamy who had been feeding them real food the last month and she supposed ordering chinese didn't count as cooking. It was her chance to return the favor and get some distraction as well.

After ten minutes of trying to find something that she could use and googling recipes for kitchen amateurs, Clarke settled on making a zucchini gratin because one could never go wrong with lots of cheese, honestly.

Although it turned out to be more complicated than she thought it would be when the only cheese she could find was expired (it seriously smelled more disguisting than that one time a patient had thrown up rotten eggs all over her clothes). Clarke considered texting Bellamy to buy cheese but eventually decided against it, she would just have to find something else apparently. 

Veggie stir fry sounded like a good idea, however it already started to go to shit, too when she accidentally chopped down on her finger which made Her yelp out in pain and stagger backwards to the opposite kitchen counter where the bottle of olive oil was standing.

That was how Clarke started a chain of deeply unnerving events and one thing led to another.

The olive oil fell down and broke into dozens of shards, needless to say, the blonde managed to injure herself again while trying to throw them away and it wasn't funy any more. 

Every fiber of her being was already screeching with annoyance and impatience as she attempted to wash off the blood off her hands and that was the point when someone decided it would be the perfect moment to ring the bell. Not only once, not even twice but fully three times as if they were the most important thing she had on her mind now. 

"Why can't you fucking wait for - YEAH, I'M COMING" Clarke yelled, wiping her hands on her sweatpants and smearing them with fresh blood that was slowly sweeping out of the cuts. 

But then the door opened and Bellamy came in, clearly befuddled when he was greeted by a very angry Clarke who was staring him down with her most disgruntled look.

"What's wrong?"

"Why the hell do you ring one hundred freaking times when you have a freaking key?" Clarke demanded huffily and cursed under her breath as sharp pain shot up her fingers.

Bellamy, furrowing his brows, put his backpack down and started wiggling out of his black jacket. "Chill, I couldn't find them so I rang."

She huffed out a breath and turned to walk back to the kitchen. 

"Chill? You fucking chill and manage to find your stupid keys" Clarke muttered under her breath but apparently it wasn't as quiet as she thought because he followed her and wanted to know what her problem was. 

Bellamy stopped mid sentence, though, when he saw the mess on the floor, a pile of broken shards mixed with oil and blood.

"Clarke, what happened?"

"What happened?" the blonde hissed and grabbed a towel only to throw it across the room with as much power as she could manage. "This whole day is cursed and I can't even cook a gratin or stir fry or - literally do any fucking other thing right, that's what happened!"

Before she could help it there were tears pooling in her eyes, making it harder to be angry instead of just break down here and now and cry herself into a puddle of her own tears because the world was a shitty and unfair place.

Clarke still tried to resist so she balled her hands into tight fists and hardly dashed against the marble that was covering her counters. 

Suddenly she felt a large hand on her shoulder, gently rubbing the spot in a reassuring way. "Hey, hey, Clarke" Bellamy quietly murmured into her side. "Why don't you tell me what happened and then we can sit down and calm ourselves down?"

The blonde let out a shakily breath she had been holding in which quickly turned into a frantic sob. 

"Clarke, talk to me" Bellamy pleaded, now standing directly in front of her and keeping her steady by her shoulders. He was so close she could see different shades of brown his eyes were melting to.

It was hard to let out breaths let alone words but eventually she croaked out a: "Charlotte - she was twelve an- she died."

Bellamy's hands that were holding her remained steady but his gaze shifted when it dawned on him. His strong face turned soft and after an instant his whole body faltered - but with Clarke in it. She realized he was drawing her into his arms and even though she attempted to resist at first, she finally fell into him, let herself completely melt into his warm but strong physique. 

"Shhhh, shh, Clarke, just breathe" the man, who was fully embracing her, whispered into her hair while one of his hands softly stroked her back. 

Clarke's shaky whimpers seemed to still with the time but every time she thought it was okay, another sob escaped her throat. When her whole body shuddered along, Bellamy gently rubbed circles into her skin and she pressed herself into him a little more. 

"You think it will never go away, this pressure inside your chest but it will" he breathed. "It will get easier, slowly but surely as the sea."

Shutting her eyes tightly shut, Clarke shook her head and thought about it. She couldn't believe however, that there would come a day where Charlotte's death or any person's for that matter would be any less upsetting.

"I promise you" Bellamy eventually said. His grip tightened shortly around her and then loosened again.

The blonde sniffled and broke away when she noticed that his shirt was completely wet where her tear stained eyes had rested. 

"I'm sorry, I ruined your shirt" she apologized and pointed at the moist spot when his brows furrowed in confusion.

Bellamy looked down then back at Clarke as a soft smile tugged at his lips. "It's just a little snotty, not the end of the world." 

Clarke chuckled faintly which felt good after the whole emotional breakdown. "No, I'm serious," she repeated. "I'm sorry. I don't wanna burden you with my problems."

"You aren't -"

"I'm a doctor. People dying, including children is part of the job" she said. It was probably meant more to convince herself than anyone else but even that didn't really work.

Bellamy huffed. "Doesn't mean you aren't allowed to experience sadness, Clarke" he argued. "Emotions are human."

However she couldn't stop herself from remembering Lexa's words when she had started working at Duke Raleigh: _"It's weakness. Feelings. Love."_

And even though she called bullshit then, Clarke wasn't so sure now if it hadn't been helpful advice after all.

Lexa was a good surgeon, top of her class and probably the best intern, and why? Because she didn't let such things as emotion get in the way of her career. 

"Hey, you hear me?"

Bellamy's voice startled her out her thoughts. She opened her eyes and mustered him slowly. 

"What?" she asked because she hadn't been listening.

"It's okay to feel what you feel. You know that, right?" he half asked and half stated.

All she did was nod her head. Did she know that, though?

After their talk, it turned out that Bellamy had actually bought cheese after he was out with Miller so a beautiful, cheesy gratin was eventually cooked that day. Just not by Clarke.

He also helped her clean up the mess and after the food was ready, the two of them got comfy on the couch with their food and spent the rest of the day binge watching friends. 

And when Clarke felt her thoughts drifting away back to little Charlotte, she leaned against Bellamy who tried his best to make her smile by telling the worst pun he could think of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it.  
> So as you realize I'm playing a bit with Clarke's attitude towards the whole 'love/feelings = weakness" bs lol but I promise it wont get as catastrophic as S3 Clarke haha and as you may have noticed by now, lexaaa is often present and I like lexa and play with her & clarke's dynamic as well :) but nothing to worry about, this fic is of course B/C <3  
> Next up: Raveeen is back along with someone else you might like aaaand Bell asks Clarke for a favor..


	8. Golden iron

"You look like shit, Griffin" 

Clarke sighed and nodded. Yeah, she was aware that her outter appearance basically screamed 'EXHAUSTED AND HUNGRY' but that was because she had worked double shifts the last few days, she practically couldn't remember the last time she got more than three hours of sleep. 

"I know" she said to Raven, taking a sip off her third cup of coffee today. "Blame the flu going around that keeps me sleep deprived."

The latina rolled her eyes.

"You should've taken a nap instead of agreeing to grab a coffee with me."

That was probably true but she had missed hanging out with Raven. They barely saw each other anymore due to work and stuff, life, so Clarke wasn't one to cancel when she got the chance to see her friend again, even though her body radiated with fatigue.

"I'm happy to see you, too."

And it was good to talk to her again especially when it came to her new fling and getting all the juicy details out of it.

"A yoga class instructor? Really?" Clarke asked almost incredulously after her friend had told her where they had met and thus, what kind of work her fresh affair was performing.

Raven slurped on the straw of her raspberry-mango-smoothie before answering. "It's more like a studio where people can get help getting rid of negativity and bad vibes in their lives, yoga happens to help with that, too."

Clarke tried to imagine what such thing would look like and then failed miserably when she pictured Raven there. She wasn't usually that kind of person.

"I didn't know you're into that kind of thing."

"I'm not," the latina clarified with a smirk, "I'm into _her_."

Chuckling lightly and stifling a yawn, she took another sip of her own drink and let the coffeine wander through her body, not helping with the tiredness at this point, just bringing her heart rate up.

"And her name is Luna..  already sounds spiritual" Clarke remarked with a smile.

But her friend shook her head, "It means moon in various languages."

"And? Is she your moon?" she half joked, half tested how far their new relationship went.

"I dunno" Raven  answered sincerely but there was this tiny smile tugging at her lips which meant she was falling for her. Clarke could already tell.

"I'm happy for you, Ray" Clarke told her, reaching over the table to squeeze her hand.

She was indeed very glad that her friend seemed to have found someone that could make her smile like this even though they had been seeing each other for only a short amount of time. Raven hadn't been in a long lasting relationship ever since Finn happened, only going home with people to forget for the night and then leaving as soon as the first rays of the sun hit the sk. This pattern wasn't a big deal for Raven after she fully recovered from what he had done, she was a happy single with casual hook ups and she used the chance to become the best mechanic in town. However, seeing her now even more happy and all smiley, it was good.

"Thanks, Griffin" Raven said with a genuine big smile and squeezed back, then returning to her usual sarcastic smart ass persona: "We're not that serious yet, though, I guess we'll see how things will play out."

The blonde nodded retreating her hand and scratching her chin.

"So when do you see her again?"

"Today, actually. She's coming over."

"Oh, that's nice. Whatcha guys gonna do?" Clarke asked innocently before realizing her mistake when she saw the mischievous smirk on Raven's face.

"Each other probably."

Clarke's own cheeks reddened at the response but she laughed awkwardly while shaking her head, "I didn't mean _that_ , Raven."

"Well, we'll likely order pizza and watch a movie... but y'know I'm not sure we'll see much of it" the latina told her and winked at the end of her sentence.

She chuckled again and then made a face at her friend. "You're soooo screwed in your honeymoon phase right now, Reyes" Clarke mumbled with a grin.

"Damn right, I am getting screwed" Raven confirmed and added a "literally", obviously very proud and impressed by her pun.

Clarke just groaned and let her face fall on the table, burrying herself in her arms.

"I hate you."

"Wow, you need to get laid, too. You're getting prude, Griffin."

At that she looked up and gave her a look, although she _was_ probably right. Clarke really needed to get laid because it was almost embarassing how long it had been since the last time someone had made her feel good.

"How long?" Raven asked her with an inquiring look and raised eyebrows but the blonde shook her head, refusing to give her the satisfaction of being right.

"I'm not answering that."

Apparently this was already enough for the woman because she almost hollered a surprised 'oooh'.

"Really, it's been _that_ long? Because you're usually very eager to tell me about your sexy times."

Clarke rolled her eyes, her friend wasn't wrong, though, she _was_  indeed usually the first one who got to hear all about what her partners did or did not do but now she didn't even have any stories in store. _That_ was how long it had been.

"There is no time for sexy times" she lied because it was easier than admitting the truth: Clarke felt like one night stands or hook ups didn't give her the satisfaction any more like they once used to, instead she was longing for something permanent. Still, it didn't change the fact that she craved the intimacy and the good feeling of sex, it just wasn't so easy to get that when she wanted something real for herself.

"Where there is a will, there is a way."

Clarke rolled her eyes at Raven because a stupid saying was exactly not the thing she wanted to hear right now, especially if it did a great job of pointing out the flaw in her previous statement. She didn't want sexy times alone, so she didn't make time for it.

"So maybe there's just no will" she confessed half heartedly with raised eyebrows while poking around in her coffee with a spoon.

She could see Raven furrowing her eyebrows but eventually she shrugged and drank the rest of her drink. "So how is the situation at home?" her friend wanted to know ultimately after a moment of silence, obviously refering to the person she had been sharing her apartment with for the last month.

Clarke thought about Bellamy and how different he turned out to be as to how she had perceived him the first time they met. Sure, his exterior was still hard and cold sometimes but she knew that there was this incredibly soft and dorky side to him that not many people got to see. She also thought about how he had comforted her a few days ago when Charlotte's death became too much to bear and she broke down eventually, how calm and reassuring his words were which he murmured into her hair. The situation at home was good, _better_  even than she had ever imagined it would be.

"It's fine" the blonde simply answered, though, elaborating on the whole thing would probably take too long. Her firm and sincere smile that was tugging at her lips was more than enough.

Raven raised an eyebrow with a smirk. "It's still a mystery to me how not only you married that guy but then moved in with him" she said shaking her head, then adding: "He must be really fucking hot."

A reddish color made its way up Clarke's cheeks as she laughed nervously but she was quick to shake her head in disbelief. "I mean" she started slowly, "he is definitely not ugly but-"

"There's no 'but' here," the latina interrupted her with a sheepish grin, "he's not ugly, so he's hot. Do you like him?"

A furrow formed between Clarke's brows as she frantically tried to find a way to explain what kind of feelings she was having for Bellamy.

"As a person. I meant, do you like him as a person?"

Clarke wanted to take her time to think about this, too but in the end she just nodded almost embarrassingly fast.

"Yes. He - he's actually pretty cool if you get to know him better."

Raven happily clapped her hands like she wanted to say: voilà! but Clarke didn't really follow so she just gaped at her irritated.

The latina sighed when her friend didn't appear to catch up. "Bellamy is a) hot b) probably single and c) a decent person. Well, I don't know about you but I think that's some extra bae material" her friend explained, proudly smirking the whole time like she had just found the cure for cancer.

Clarke paused for an instant, letting her proposal go through her head. However, it only took a few seconds for her to come up with 1000 logical reasons why this idea was definitely _not_ good, like absolutely horrible.

"What? No, Raven! It's not like that."

"Why not? It could be, just think about it."

"I don't even know if he's single-"

"Do you really think he would be married to you AND living with you if he was in an relationship?"

Clarke sighed, she had a point but this wasn't the only flaw she saw here. "Okay, but it's Bellamy. As far as I can tell, he's not even into relationships."

"Well, what's so wrong about a little 'friends with benefits' kind of thing?"

"Like everything? Do I have to remind you that I literally share an apartment with him? What if it doesn't work? What then?"

"Then you can kick him out" Raven shrugged but that was not something Clarke would ever even consider doing, she wasn't like this. She strongly shook her head.

"That's not an option."

"Just bang him, Clarke. You are both adults and I think you can manage to have sex without messing up the whole friendship thing you have going on."

"He isn't into me, Raven and he's not just some sex object."

"You don't _know_ if he's into you" the latina corrected with her index finger up in the air but that didn't help either.

"I would have noticed if he was," Clarke argued. "besides I don't want this whole casual sex thing anymore."

For the first time that day Raven stopped and finally listened to her, let the thing she had said process. 

"You want something serious?" She asked eventually after a moment had passed.

The blonde slowly nodded, swallowing a thick knot in her throat. "I'm just not feeling the 'no strings attached sex' anymore, you know?"

Her friend nodded and gave her a sympathetic smile. "I understand. Why didn't you just say so?" she wanted to know but before she could answer, she slapped her head into her hands. "Sorry for being a nagging annoying shit just now."

"No hard feelings here, Ray" Clarke told her with a small laugh. "I didn't tell you because I was kind of starting to figure it out for myself.. so I wasn't even really sure."

"Okay then," Raven said. "but hey who knows, perhaps your Bellamy is into relationships after all?"

It didn't convince Clarke. He was obviously very attractive, somehow even totally her type if she thought about it and she had grown fond of him lately but surely that didn't mean anything more than friendship could evolve, on both sides, did it?

* * *

 

After the conversation with Raven however, she couldn't stop thinking about what her friend had 'proposed', the unrealistic idea just didn't want to leave her mind.

It was unfavorable, especially when Bellamy was actually around and Clarke couldn't take her eyes off him while he was shuffling around in the kitchen or sitting on the couch and trying to write. He, of course, wasn't dense either, so one time when she was in the midst of a staring and reflecting session one particular evening, Bellamy noticed and asked.

"Is there something up with you?" He almost barked at Clarke who was sitting in her armchair. She startled, quickly trying to regain her senses after one extra long processing of the things in her head.

"What? No, I'm fine. Why?" She nervously rambled, changing the way she was sitting because it suddenly became uncomfortable. At last she decided to draw up her knees to her body, it gave her a sense of control. Kind of.

Bellamy mustered her from the couch, his brown eyes narrowing slightly as if he was trying to figure out why exactly she had been acting so on edge the last few days. "You were staring," he said finally. "You have been doing that pretty often actually."

Clarke could feel herself blush and she didn't like it, not in front of him. "Uhm - I'm sorry, I was just thinking and apparently my gaze drifted off" she made up, although it wasn't even so wrong what she had said. She was really thinking (but about him and the way his eyes used to crinkle when laughed at the TV).

"Saw something you like?"

Of course, it was meant as a joke on his behalf but she couldn't help but answer mentally. _Yes. You are kind of hot and I am trying to figure out if I like you._ However, Clarke just laughed absently and mumbled a quiet 'shut up'.

She thought Bellamy would drop the subject, go back to watching TV but she could feel his eyes still trained on her.

"What is it that's on your mind?"

A quick glance towards him but she actively tried avoiding looking into his eyes because apparently hers were too easy to read.

"Nothing, I told you" Clarke repeated and focused on the television screen in front of her.

"Clarke.." Bellamy said, not letting his gaze drop off her. Out of the corner of her eyes she could see his arms leaning on his legs now.

She sighed, damning his stubborness, but ultimately giving in and turning around, looking at him. "What?" Clarke asked, careful not to sound too annoyed or harsh.

"You sure you ok?"

Clarke played around with a few possible answers but decided that telling him the truth was definitely not an option. He didn't need to know that his bed hair looked simultaneously adorable and hot or that she always smiled to herself when he hummed along to a pop song while cooking breakfast.

"I am. I promise everything's _just_ fine."

The worried gaze in his look softened, although it wasn't entirely gone yet. "How is work after - after Charlotte?" he asked and suddenly Clarke was taken aback by the sharp sting she felt in her chest when he mentioned her.

Nodding a few times too quickly, she broke his gaze, looked at the ground.

"I'm dealing with it."

She felt him shifting, she braced herself for another round of this cat and mouse game but Bellamy remained quiet this time.

They sat together until the movie they were watching ended and Clarke felt the slow pull of fatigue tugging at her body.

"I think I'll call it a day" she informed Bellamy who was laying comfortably on the couch. His gaze landed on her when she walked over to him, trying to find her phone which she had left there somewhere. "You have your check up tomorrow at eight. You didn't forget, did you?

"How could I when you're reminding me every couple of hours" he grumbled under his breath but Clarke just smiled.

"Okay, night then" she said, finally having found her phone under Bellamy's pillow, ready to leave when he suddenly caught her arm, stopping her from leaving.

"You know you can talk to me?"

Clarke bit her lower lip when he mustered him, her heart speeding up at his touch. It was ironic because no, she couldn't talk to him about this, not without ruining the friendship they had so carefully built.

"I know" she lied with a microscopic smile. "Thank you, Bellamy."

-

The next morning, Clarke woke up with a plan. It included the following things: _not ( ~~ **really not**~~ ) stare at Bellamy when she sees him, clear up things with Lexa (because the tense air she had to endure every time they worked together was driving her nuts), call Octavia and follow up on that shopping offer from a month ago, don't stay in (it's friday) and spend the evening with him. _She believed it was a good plan especially when it came to her room mate, it surely couldn't help seeing him so often when she wanted to figure out what she was feeling.

The first thing on her list already failed miserably when she was eating cereal and Bellamy barged in, fresh out of the shower only a towel hanging loosely on his hips. The sight of his toned body was enough to make her choke on her food, leading to her coughing her lungs out while he was clapping on her back.

While she was in the middle of almost dying, the biting sensation of embarrassment crept up her body. It was already bad enough that he had caught her staring several times but choking on her food because of a glimpse over his half naked torso? That was a whole new level of discomfiture.

"Fuck, you ok?" He asked after she had slowly composed herself again, wiping away the tears that had already piled up in her eyes. Clarke nodded shakily, taking a sip of water he brought her.

"Fine - 's just stupid dusty ass cereal" she half cursed, half stammered even though she knew exactly why the incident had _really_ happened.

"I was really worried for a sec there."

"Same here."

So the first part of Clarke's plan failed, terrificly, but she had another few things to accomplish so her day wasn't completely ruined just yet. 

Renconciling with Lexa had more layers than just bad work tension. The woman had been one of her few friends at the hospital and whatever Clarke had felt towards her when she had basically insulted her compassion, she had to get over it and start again because guess what, having no real relationships at work sucked (and Jasper would only start working in about a month). In addition to that, the current mess she was feeling or not feeling for Bellamy was causing her to want to distract herself. Perhaps going on a date with her fellow collegue would help and who knew she might have even developed feelings for Lexa.

Clarke dropped off her room mate and friend, who had his weekly check up, at the reception and went to the changing room where she already found Lexa, standing in front of her locker and scrolling on her phone. 

It was hard for her to apologize (for what exactly?) but she needed to get it done, one thing at a time. She took a long gulp of breath and tapped her co-worker on the shoulder. "Hey, Lexa. Can we talk?"

The brunette swiftly turned around, tilting her head when she saw that it was Clarke who wanted to talk to her. 

"Yes, Clarke?"

"I wanted to apologize" she said. "I want things to be normal again between us because y'know, the last weeks were-"

Lexa nodded, she knew what Clarke meant. "I think you are not the only one who has to pardon yourself, Clarke" she told her. "I am sorry for my misplaced behaviour that day, it was not of my concern and I overstepped my boundaries."

The blonde curled her lips, letting out the breath she had been holding in. 

"Let's just forget that it happened, ok?"

"That would be nice."

"Soo" she started with a cocky grin on her face. "How about we celebrate this with a few drinks tonight? At joe's?" It was the same exact offer Lexa had made her a month ago but this time she was the one asking, and needless to say, the brunette happily said yes. Somehow, it gave her a burst of self confidence she had missed the past few days tormenting herself over Bellamy and all the what if's and what if not's. However, the tingly feeling, the dozens of ants under her skin were not there. Not like that.

A few hours into her shift, Clarke passed the outpatient ward, taking a double take when she saw the familar mass of black curls sitting there.

"Bellamy?" she asked and peeked into the room where he was leaning into a bench, obviously reading the newspaper while tapping his toe.

He looked up, "Hey".

A crease formed between her eyes as she mustered him. "What are you doing here?" the blonde wanted to know. "I thought you would be finished by now."

He shrugged carelessly, apparantly he didn't mind spending half of his day at the hospital. 

"I dunno, they said I had to stay here for some more tests."

As soon as she heard the word 'more tests' her lips set in a grim line. She was aware that the phrase basically meant 'Something is definitely wrong but we do not wan't you to panic yet' in hospital language, so it meant something was wrong with Bellamy. Perhaps his body ultimately started to reject his new heart? Or maybe he had caught an infection but how couldn't she had noticed? She was a doctor and she was literally sharing her living space with him and -

The contact of his skin on her hand pulled her back, Clarke had drifted off again. 

"Hey, stop scowling" Bellamy said softly and tugged lightly at her hand so she was forced to take a step closer. However, she couldn't help the cloudy emotions lingering on her face. "It's just a few more tests" he added when she just gaped at him, trying to decide whether to freak out now or later.

"That's primarily the codeword for 'looks bad'" Clarke admitted, her voice slow and pouty.

"The nurse didn't look like something was wrong, she actually looked like she was very happy with the results."

"That's their job, Bellamy. They have to keep a pokerface so the patients don't worry that much."

She released her hand from his gentle grip to run it through her hair, shaking her head. "I'll ask what's up, who is your doctor?" she wanted to know from Bellamy, whose eyes wandered over her shoulder, but before he had a chance to answer another voice cut in.

"I am."

Lexa was now standing in the doorway, an ipad in her hand and a barely perceivable smile on her lips. She stepped forward to them, holding out a hand to Bellamy and shaking it when he took it. "I'm Dr. Wood, we've already met when you were first hospitalized here" she said and then proceeded to look at the screen, reading whatever information they had on him.

"Good you're here, Lexa. Is something wrong?" Clarke asked immediately. "Is it the heart?"

The brunette gave her a look that she couldn't read, then turning back to Bellamy. "Mr. Blake, your heartrate is slightly irregular along with unsually low blood pressure but that doesn't mean anything serious yet. We would like to monitor your condition for the next time to determine if any other symptoms of a transplant rejection might occur but aside from that you appear to be doing fine."

Clarke let out her breath in a whose, although she still didn't like that his heart rate together with his blood pressure was abnormal. 

"So nothing really changed, did it?" Bellamy asked a bit irritaed.

The fellow doctor shook her head, "No, but you'll have to come here daily for your examinations, until the said symptoms stabilize again."

"Okay" Bellamy said. "Thanks."

Clarke thanked her, too with a relieved smile tugging at her lips which Lexa reciprocated, gently touching her shoulder. "I will see you after the shift, right?" she asked, the green eyes trailing across her face. 

"Yeah, Lex. After the shift."

After the brunette had left the room again, Clarke turned around to face Bellamy, a worried look on her face. Even the smallest of symptoms could turn into a full rejection of the heart and when that happened, any other measurues taken would be probably too late. She couldn't let that happen.

Even Bellamy seemed to be unhappy now, a sour expression on his face. 

"Hey" she said stepping a few steps closer. "I won't let that happen. The heart rejection. I'll make sure of that."

His gaze landed on her but he shook his head. 

"I'm not worried about that."

Tilting her head Clarke found his eyes which quickly glanced away, though. "What is it then?" she asked.

"Nothing" Bellamy replied. "It's nothing"

She had a feeling 'nothing' had a hell other different meanings that described everything except for what it actually was supposed to mean these days. It was impossible and she knew that.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you enjoyed it!! Thanks for your support my lovelies and I'll try to keep going with these two dorks <3  
> Share your thougts with me on http://hundredships.tumblr.com


	9. Flying low

 A week passed and things changed - or didn't, depending which subject she was referring to.

By the end of the week on friday, Lexa was already crowding her for a next date, a _real and typical_ date like she had put it. Back at the bar the woman had flirted with Clarke and for the sake of her own well being regarding other people she flirted back, at least giving it a try.

But then, when she was getting ready for work one morning, Bellamy joined her in the kichen and asked her for a favor.

"What kind of favor?" she asked him with a raised brow, somewhat reluctant since the word brought different connotations with itself and she didn't know what to expect.

"Octavia met a new guy and now she is bugging me to have dinner with them," he replied even though it didn't answer her question entirely.

"So where do I come into play?"

Bellamy placed his cup of tea on the counter. "Be my accompaniment" he said, while his fingers were fidgeting around with an empty box of donuts. "I need someone who will hold me back from punching the dude when he turns out to be an ass."

His request brought up different emotions in Clarke so she couldn't quite place her thoughts on it.

She gave him a somewhat longer, mustering look all the way down from his socks that didn't match up to his messy hair, his curls sticking out on all sides. Clarke thought she could do it, it wasn't really a huge deal anyway but it was him, and she was confused. With herself.

"So, like a _date_?"

Bellamy scratched his neck and shrugged lightly.

"Call it what you want."

Clarke nodded. "Ok, I'll do it."

"Really?" he asked and a dopey smile appeared on his lips that only made him look more attractive than he had before.

"Sure," she said easily, drinking up and then pushing herself behind him to put the mug in the sink.

He turned around and shortly squeezed the end of her shoulder, the touch tingling on her skin.

"I owe you, Clarke. Thanks."

After she had quickly washed up the dishes that had been standing there, she spinned around on her heels and came to stand directly across from Bellamy. The tiny space between the counters almost caused them to invade each other's personal space and she had to pretend very hard not to notice every single freckle on his face, or not let her eyes drop to his lips.

"It's not that big of deal, it's just dinner," Clarke laughed mildly after she had caught herself a few moments later. "Or is it really so awful to meet your sister's boyfriend?"

"Yeah," he retorted with a strong bob of his head like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You don't wanna know what how many jackasses O' already managed to bring home."

A smile pushed itself up on her lips as she regarded the young man in front of her.  
He was always so damn protective over his sister.

"Hey, I thought if one ass met another,  wouldn't they get along then?" Clarke teased with a smirk and got out a scandalized scowl between his brows.

"I'm not an ass," Bellamy protested and pinched her arm whereas to she slapped his hand away, flinching because of the light pain.

"Stop that," she giggled (actually giggled) and tried to push him back a little so that he would not attempt another shot at pinching her. "Just accept that you are one."

"That's not true, Clarke."

"Tell that to the Bellamy in the hospital who almost bitch slapped me every time I came into his room," she said, steadily holding his gaze.

He sighed, tilting his head to the side. "That's not fair" his voice told her in a gentle tone. "It was different time back then."

"But you were an ass, you've just admited that."

"I didn't know you."

"Neither did I," she argued and rolled her eyes. "And I still managed to be nice to you."

For a reason that was unknown to her the man in front of her scoffed like she had just said something absurd.

"What?" Clarke wanted to know immediately, her eyebrows raised in a slightly challenging manner.

"I think both of us had some issues back then so we were both at fault."

Shaking her head incredulously, the blonde crossed her arms in front of her chest. "I _married_ you," she stated as a matter of fact and raised one eyebrow on her face. "I don't think my behaviour was the problem."

Bellamy probably wouldn't admit it but she had a point and she absolutely won the discussion.

They dropped the subject when they noticed that it was really time to leave; Clarke had to go for work and he had to be there early for his daily check up. So the two got ready in up-tempo and were at the hospital 20 minutes later.

Clarke was in a rush because she was assigned to Dr. Tri that day which meant she couldn't allow herself to be late, not if she didn't want the maddening comments and daunting glances from the woman for the rest of her shift. Thankfully, she was by Indra's side just in time.

Their patient was a young boy, not much older than seven years, with an aneurysm in his coronary arteries which meant that he had a bulge in the blood vessels around his heart that would be life threatening if it ruptured; they had to fix it. The fact that it was both such a young child, and a perilous surgery made Clarke all kinds of uncomfortable as nervous. The thought of Charlotte was still a piercing jolt on her mind. But Dr. Tri was brutal, she went straight ahead presenting the surgery plan to the boy's family and already starting with the necessary preparations for it; there was no time to lose herself in doubts or fears when everything had to be done swiftly and perfectly. No time for any mistakes.

When her lunch break finally came around Clarke found herself breathing, truly breathing for the first time since she started and she noticed that her right hand, the one she was holding her pretzel in, was trembling lightly.

She decided to calm down a little, before returning to the case and see how Bellamy was doing if he was still around, but considering how slow the hospital sometimes worked when it came to check ups she was sure he was still here.

And he was, Bellamy was sitting in one the chairs with his eyes glued to his phone while, to her surprise, Lexa was shuffling around the room, putting away something.

She knew that the woman was his official doctor but they usually didn't perform the after treatment unless there were serious complications, the nurses normally took over the job.

"Hey" Clarke greeted into the room and both of their gazes turned to her. She wasn't really sure who to address first, but apparently the brunette took the decision into her own hands and walked over to her, eyes gazing deeply into hers.

"The results are fine, so far no further signs of the body rejecting the transplant," she informed her and Clarke knew the only reason the woman was willing to tell her was because she was his formal wife on the papers. If he would just be a friend, Lexa presumably wouldn't disclose on his medical information. _That_ was how serious she took her career.

Clarke nodded, relieved, and took a side step to exclaim a "keep up the good work" to Bellamy before returning to Lexa's intent gaze. "That's very good," she said with a smile.

"Your hair looks very nice today" the brunette told her out of the blue; her eyelashes fluttering. It took the blonde by surprise because even if the woman seemed eager to get her way with Clarke, she wouldn't have thought that she would do it a work, in front of _him,_ but here she was, making eyes at her and drawing out an uneasy feeling in her chest.

"Thanks, Lex," Clarke replied and she wanted to go ahead and say that she needed to talk to Bellamy, that she still needed to cool off from her patient, who was unfortunately too young and too sick for her nerves but Lexa already made her next move.

"Did you think about it?" the brunette wanted to know.

It took Clarke a second before she knew what she was talking about but then she remembered that Lexa asked her out on that fancy dinner date and she promised she would give her an answer soon. She hadn't really pondered over it yet.

Scratching her nose, she let out a little laugh and gave a quick nod with her head. "Yeah, yeah I did - umm sure, why not?" Clarke answered hastily. Saying yes was the easiest way to shake the woman off for now, that came to her mind. She liked her, she _really_ did but right now she just wanted to talk to Bellamy.

Lexa's mouth curled up into a big smile as she leaned slightly forward and murmured a "I'll see you around then" into her ear before finally disappearing.

Clarke sighed, half of her break was probably over now, and she hadn't even taken one bite of her lunch yet.

"So, _I told you_ that the heart rejection is not going to happen," she commented as she sat down across from Bellamy, finally taking a bite of her pretzel.

"And I believed you," he retorted with a look. _Right, he didn't even worry about that._

"Can I ask you a question?"

Clarke looked at him curiously, her mouth full with food. "Sure," she said after swallowing.

A few seconds went by before he talked, it was unnerving because she wanted to know what's up, but Bellamy just mustered her hesitantly.

"'Are you two dating?" The second he pronounced it both of their cheeks blushed in a mild red color. "I'm sorry - you don't - don't have to answer this," he quickly added after he saw the color on her face.

"What? No - no she isn't," Clarke answered immediately. "I mean we hung out last week and got a bit drunk but-"

"- but I saw the way she looked at you, Clarke. She definitely wants more than to hang out," Bellamy interrupted her. There was a vague smirk on his face.

"Well, she wants a date, yes, but who knows what she wants after that?"

"Please, she basically eyefucked you across the room."

She gasped and gaped at the man in front of, slapping his arm after a moment. "That's not true," Clarke argued.

" _I_ saw it, even from back here."

"You're talking shit, Bellamy," Clarke told him with a look.

"Hey, I know how eye fucking looks, I mean I do it, too with chicks that I want to bang," he said honestly, shrugging. Somehow this didn't have a convincing effect on her but more of a blurry sting of pain inside that made her shift with her body. She didn't know why it hurt hearing him say that, it just did.

"Yeah, well, I don't even know why it matters to you," Clarke replied, suddenly not wanting to talk about it anymore.

His jaw clenched at her comment and his gaze dropped. "Forget it, sorry I brought it up."

Clarke sighed again, the silence that fell over them was making her feel jittery so she decided to talk about the thing she had actually come here for. "I've got a patient with a dangerous heart disease," she told him. "He's _seven years old_."

Bellamy's eyes instantly snapped to her, he leaned forward. "It's not really better, isn't it?"

Shaking her head, Clarke let out a frantic laugh. "It's stupid -" she said, rolling her eyes at herself. "- I'm a surgeon and operating on people with severe damage is part of the job, but I - I just can't stop thinking: What if this kid dies, too? What am I supposed to tell the family? _Sorry, I couldn't save your kid, too_?"

"It's not stupid," he persisted again. "But you have to focus on _saving_ him. Don't let the fear consume you."

She looked up through her lashes. "I wanted to save Charlotte, too" Clarke muttered quietly.

Suddenly she felt the warmth of his touch sending sparks up her body, his right hand covering her own and she noticed, not for the first time, how small her hands seemed when they lay in his. They fit together almost perfectly.

"We save who we can save today" Bellamy murmured gently while glancing her squarely in the eye.

Sometimes Clarke felt like he could see directly through her when he did that, directly into the depths of her soul which made her feel vulnerable and she _hated_ feeling vulnerable in front of people. Not with Bellamy though, not with him. His presence was comforting, and soothing and instead of feeling weak when opening up to him, it gave her strength, power to go on. 

Clarke wanted to say something, say that she held the responsibility of saving everyone because she _was_ a doctor and it _was_ her job, say that she needed to get over it and just work but in the end she let the phrase flood her system, and piece by piece the anguish and the fear gradually eased inside her body; the constant lingering of ants under her skin relaxed. _I save who I can save today._

Another breath. 

_I save who I can save today._

Somewhere along the way Bellamy lifted his hand off her, however, remained close. She could feel the absence of his touch creeping up her limb.

"My shift will be over soon," she realized after a couple of peaceful moments. "I can't be late with Dr. Tri."

He cleared his throat and leaned back into his chair.

"You better get going then, the woman is not someone to joke with."

 _Yeah, she wasn't indeed._ Clarke nodded and stood up. "So when do they let you go home," she asked.

"Soon, I think," Bellamy responded. 

"Ok, see you at home, Bellamy."

 

* * *

 

Home had always been a strange concept to Clarke; it couldn't be defined, couldn't be applied in general, instead its meaning was fluid, changing all the time and something completely different for everyone. 

In more than the first decade of her life it was the big white mansion in Washington DC she was living in, along with her father and mother. Massive windows, white walls and the mild scent of hospital her mouther brought with her; it was huge events with catering  staff, golden chandeliers hanging from the ceiling; expensive and colorful dresses and a forced smile on her lips. Home was regular dinners with the Jahas and secret hand holding with Wells under the table. Home was drawing pictures with her best friend nearby while he was playing chess with himself.

When she got into her teenager phase and realized the word was more than just a place, Clarke decided home was everyone who made her feel safe and secure; Wells was home, taking a nap together when they were tired was, studying in the library was, discussing whether dean or sam were cooler on supernatural was. Of course, her parents were part of that definition, too even though that time was not exactly easy for all of them. It was the age where she began changing, acting out and experimenting and needless to say, her mom wasn't always content with her daughter's decisions. At the end of the day, though, going to the movies, all three of them, was home for her.

In college, Clarke was certain she had found her home in Finn. The boy had lured her in with his adventureous side, with his cute grins and longer hair and she fell in love with the idea that he brought along: Peace, fun, love. But ultimately he created something entirely different, darkness and pain. She buried the thought that one person could become _that_ ever again, not after what he had done to her. So Raven replaced what he had once been, her and their small, dirty college room along with summer parties and the taste of booze; that was what made her feel something again.

Moving to Raleigh ended a long series of strong relationships even though Raven came with her and Clarke finally lived in the same city as Wells again. Perhaps it was the work at the hospital and the long nights that she spent there instead of going out, maybe it was simply herself but she felt more alone than ever. She barely saw Raven or Wells; her apartment was empty and stoic, the exact opposite of what she imagined as home. The only thing that had made her feel better was the hospital so it became her new home.

And now? Now she wasn't so sure anymore. She knew that her place was more lively now, cozier and safer than it had been before and she knew it was due to one person but was he part of her home? Were the evening with him, watching reruns of friend and eating chinese takeout home? Were the hours spent talking over anything and everything over the food that he had cooked? Were the trips to the grocery store that ended up with them buying a dozen products they didn't even need? A feeling told her that yes, perhaps Bellamy was slowly becoming her home, too and a treacherous fear filled her heart because having something so pure in a person, meant the possibility of losing that exact thing, too.

 

* * *

 

 

The day of the dinner with Octavia and her boyfriend rolled around and even though she wasn't likely to admit it to anyone, Clarke was _excited_. It would be the first time she would visit their - Octavia and Bellamy's - place outside, on the other side of the city which was something she had wanted to do for a few week now. Besides, she was also eager to meet the girl's partner who she had heard about a few times through texts; from what she had gathered he really seemed to be a great guy. Altogether, it was a promise of an enjoyable evening.

They arrived a tad earlier than expected; just around the time the sun began to set, sending her last and shiniest rails of sunshine through the windows of their car as Bellamy pulled in the driveway. The house that was standing in front of them was a simple two story building with a reddish color to it, its frontyard had a few parched bushes and plants but aside from that, it looked neat and trimmed.

Clarke got out of the car first to give it a closer look whereas Bellamy remained seated for another couple of seconds, probably mentally preparing himself. 

"You can't hide in the car forever," she yelled eventually, sticking her head back in to see if he hadn't combusted yet; the only response she got was an unitelligible grumble.

Rolling her eyes, Clarke closed the car door again and started going up the stairs of their porch; ready to ring the bell when she was joined by Bellamy, who had a grumpy look on his face.

"Come on, lighten up a little," she said and nudged his side gently. "I'm sure it will be fine."

He looked reluctantly at her but before he could respond the door was yanked open by a very happy looking Octavia.

"You're here!" she squeaked with pleasure and wrapped the two of them into a tight hug, her brother first and then Clarke. Then she let them inside while rambling on about how happy she was that they had come.

The blonde stepped in and the first thing that she noticed was a delicious smell hanging in the air, along with a mixture of perfume and a familiar musky scent, that she didn't recognize until Bellamy was standing close and _yeah_ , _that_ _was_ _Bellamy_... Walking further in, she saw the usual family photos hanging on the walls but she couldn't inspect them any closer because Octavia was eager to get them to the kitchen.

"You look bomb by the way, Clarke" the brunette commented with a wink as she led the way. Clarke smiled happily and looked down at herself, she was wearing a tight black top that accented her curves and a plaid black and white high waist skirt; her hair was losely hanging down with a top knot on her head and she had decided to do a subtle smoky eye at home that brought out her blue eyes. She looked good, nothing too fancy but _good_.

"So do you," she told her friend and squeezed her side. Octavia's hair was braided from the top with the rest worn open, the style really suited her. Aside from the hair, she was wearing a light yellow summer dress.

"Yeah, yeah, both of you look awesome. Can we get to the more important things now?" Bellamy's voice cut in behind them and they both turned around to give him a glare.

Octavia jokingly smacked his chest but then her face turned serious and she raised a finger at him. "Tonight we behave, Bell," she ordered with raised brows. "I'm serious, be nice to Lincoln or I'll stop talking to you for - like - ever."

He crossed his arms and tilted his head before replying: "Hey, I'm the older sibling here, you don't get to tell me what to do."

"Not since you moved out. This is my house, so it's my rules now."

"What-" her brother started to argue when she had already turned around and began walking to the kitchen. "- that's temporary - and it's not your house!"

 _That's temporary_. The sentence caught Clarke's mind and hit her like a train. Temporary. Right, well, that's what it was. Only for a certain period of time and before she would know, Bellamy would move on with his life without her - but she stopped herself from following this train of thought before it got worse; _n_ _ow was not the time nor the place._

They entered the kitchen, where Lincoln was standing over a pot on the sink. The man's chest was broad, his right arm covered in tattoos but the smile on his face was friendly and his eyes beamed with kindness.

"Bell, this is Lincoln," Octavia introduced him as she went up to her boyfriend and hugged his waist, fitting perfectly into his side like ying to yang.

"Lincoln, that's my lovely and _nice_ brother Bellamy."

The two men politely shook their hands but Clarke could tell that Bellamy's handshake was a bit _very_ tight, even from two feet away.

"I'm glad to finally meet you, Bellamy," Lincoln said with a smile. "Octavia has told me a lot about you." To which the girl grinned into his side.

"I'm sure she did," Bellamy responded, and Clarke immediately laid a hand on his back, having felt the tension in his voice. He ralexed under the touch.

"Oh yeah, and that's Clarke," Octavia hastily cut in. "Lincoln, Clarke. Clarke, Lincoln," she motioned between them and the blonde stepped forward to shake his hand, too. In contrast to his muscular and buff appearance, Lincoln's handshake was unexpectantly soft and gentle but she liked it; he seemed really nice.

After exchanging pleasantries, the four of them decided to move into the dining room since the food had just finished and all of them were starving.

At first, it was a bit awkward full of the usual smalltalk and a strained Bellamy sitting besides her. He was't rude or something, but definitely not as composed as in general which made Clarke wonder if it was just the situation or Lincoln, particulary, that affected him so much, because the man was really sweet, not a whiff of evil in him. She assumed that Bellamy just didn't like trusting people with his sister and that's why he acted so tight-lipped.

"This tastes amazing," Clarke basically moaned, after finishing half of the thai soup the pair had prepared for them. It was seriously one of the best soups she had ever eaten in her life, the spiced vegetables and herbs making it all the more tastier.

"I know right?" Octavia smirked and slurped loudly at her spoon. "Lincoln made it."

"You can cook, Lincoln?"

The man nodded sheepishly. "I do. My mother thought every member of this family had to aquire this skill, or else we would all starve when we'd move out."

"He's my saviour," the brunette said with a dreamy look in her eyes. "All I can cook is pasta and even that doesn't always work, right Bell?"

Bellamy looked up from his bowl and huffed out a small laugh, his eyes crinkling at the motion. "That's true, you don't know how many times I had to eat burnt spaghetti."

Everyone at the table had a good laugh at that and Clarke felt like it slowly started to get better; the man next to her gradually losened up and suddenly she wondered since when she was so freaking concerned about him all the time. She quickly shoved the thought away and went for a little distraction instead .

"I feel ya, I'm literally the same, Octavia," she exclaimed with excitement in her voice. "I can't cook for shit and when I try all hell breaks lose!" She heard a low chuckle beside her and saw Bellamy nodding along.

"Oh my god, really? I always thought I'm the only girl who can't!"

The two girls laughed delighted at each other, happy not to be the alone with the struggle; the two men next to them appeared to exchange looks, though, looks that could be described as annoyed or exasperated. 

"You two really need to take a class or something," Bellamy told them, rolling his eyes. "You can't live off takeout or your boyfriend's meals forever."

"I survived my last few years without it and I'm doing just fine," Clarke argued.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean it's healthy. Your body needs real food, fuel, Clarke."

"But that's why I have you," she joked and patted his shoulder. He glared at her and the pair across from them watched the small interaction with amused faces, especially Octavia who grinned broadly.

"Awww, look at you two. You're already bickering like an old married couple!"

The blonde turned away from him and gave her a look; she figured he did the same since his sister stuck out her tongue at him. However, Lincoln didn't seem to catch up on the situation as he looked curiously between them. 

"So since when are you together, Bellamy?" he wanted to know.

Clarke could already sense the way the muscles stiffened in Bellamy's body, and even though her own heart started beating faster; a slow blush creeping up her cheeks, she told herself to stay calm. It was just a misunderstanding, an honest mistake and it didn't mean that there was something going on between them, no 'sparks' or feelings. In fact, it didn't mean anything more than just a simple question that had no answer to it.

"We're not-" he stammered, shaking his head, puzzled. "-we're not together."

"No, it's not like that," she said at the same time and then snorted nervously, because it was _so wrong_ and _hilarious, right?_ Like she had assumed from the beginning, Bellamy wasn't even a relationship kind of guy and he certainly wouldn't ever be interested in her. Even the idea of it seemed impossible, unearthly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Lincoln apologized quickly, glancing from one to the other. "I just assumed -"

"No, no," Bellamy cut in. "Not us."

The whole time his sister had been watching the scenario unfold, sighing dramatically at the end. "And yet, they truly are married, Linc. Like really married," she told him with a look. 

Lincoln furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head, now looking more confused than ever and if it wasn't about her own life right now, Clarke would have cackled over the comical expression on his face.

"But you just said...?"

"Yeah, umm, that's-", she started, however, no idea came to her mind that could explain the situation without diving into the full story, so Clarke glanced to Bellamy. She hoped that he could help her.

"It's just on the papers, a formal marriage," he expounded. "Just an insurance thing, that's it."

"Just for insurance," Clarke repeated quietly and looked on the ground.

 "I see." Lincoln nodded, taking another sip of his spoon. It was something about the way his expression changed, his eyes softening when they glanced over her; a glimmer of pity maybe (?) that caused her to tightly grip the wine glass, that stood next to her bowl, and start chugging it down in a swift but covert manner. Clarke hated how the man had looked at her and saw something even she herself couldn't really read, something significant stashed beneath the muscles in her body waiting to be noticed.

As the time went by the topics changed as did the number of refills her glass had; Clarke learned that she shared a lot of interest with Octavia's boyfriend such as art and the form of healing which was medicine for her and natural healing, naturopathy, for Lincoln. She got to hear about health from a different perspective and appreciated the insight just as anything else that she listened to that night like the way the pair had met in the gym or what kind of changes Octavia planned to do to the house (that Bellamy didn't like very much). Everything sounded better than what was on her mind everytime she glanced to her side.

Shortly before midnight the blonde was tipsy, yeah to say the least, since it must had been a whole bottle that she downed during the evening but she wasn't sure, she hadn't been counting.

They were still sitting at the dinner table but all the dishes were gone now, Lincoln was currently washing up in the kitchen despite various protests from the girls, and a few bottles of alcohol replaced them. That was when Octavia leaned in to her brother with a grin splitting across her face, asking: "So what do you say, Bell? Lincoln is amazing, _right_?"

Bellamy just raised an eyebrow at her, his hand curving around a bottle of beer. "You didn't tell me he was so old," he said.

"He's not old," his sister retorted with a scowl. "He's only twenty-six."

"That's five years older than _you_ , O."

She shook her head like he had just said the most stupid thing ever. "So? It's the same age gap if you, for example, dated Clarke," she argued and suddenly Clarke's wary eyes snapped open and she gaped at the two siblings in front of her.

"But we're fucking not and that's the point," Bellamy half growled, his hand raking through his dark curls.

The blonde's heart almost missed a beat as she tried to find a way to logically interpretate the thing he just said; her gaze settling on him. "What is the point?" she repeated weakly, but he only shot her an annoyed glance. Her hurt sunk.

"But if - then nobody would even bat an eye at you!" Octavia exclaimed loudly. "I'm not a child anymore, big brother," she added then softly, a bit more hushed this time.

"O' I'm just trying -"

"Help. Protect me. Yeah, I've heard that before but I don't need it this time. This time you have to trust _me_ , please?"

Bellamy stared at his sister for a long, silent minute before sighing eventually; his jaw softening. "I guess he's ok," he said.

A tightness settled in Clarke's throat, making it hard to have any clear thoughts so she quickly excused herself and fled to the bathroom; the alcohol pulsing through her blood making her steps less coordinated and more staggery. Closing the door behind her, she held onto the sink as she looked at herself; her eyes were glassy, cheeks reddened.

Something was wrong, something had been for days and she pinpointed the moment it all started to her coffee date with Raven. Afterwards, everything went downhills, ok, perhaps it wasn't _that_ bad but the heaviness, that was squeezing around her heart, made a good job of making it sure feel like that.

 _Think rationally,_ _Griffin_ , she thought. It was the alcohol that made it seem so much worse than it actually was, especially since wine always had a rather emotional effect on Clarke. However, the feeling wasn't simply amplified, it did really exist in sober condition, it was actually there. _So what are you feeling, you fool?_ Well, a lot, but it started with Raven, started with her talking about her singleness; went on with her being confused and about what? She was puzzled by her feelings for _Bellamy._

_Bellamy, Bellamy, Bellamy._

(His name danced in front her eyes like shiny stars in the night sky.)

Yeah, Clarke had figured that much; so it was about her room mate slash friend slash husband. She thought it was just Raven's shit talking at first. She thought it was just this crazy possibility and suddenly she _knew_ , she _had to_ admit it to herself.

Clarke had a crush on him.

She was crushing on Bellamy Blake so hard it was overwhelming, but once it was out the feelings couldn't be stopped anymore. _Now that was slightly dramatic_ , Clarke thought to herself and laughed loudly at the girl she saw in the mirror; _so much fuss about a crush_.

The blonde sighed ultimately, shaking her head. Now she was _that_ girl, the one who had a crush on her friend who didn't think of her like that; the one who felt something for the guy who wasn't in for something serious; the girl who liked her room mate and threatened to destroy their easy relationships with her feelings. _That's who she was now_.

_Get your fucking shit together._

_It's just a crush._

_Crushes go away after a while._

After a few minutes Clarke realized her friends were probably wondering right now what was taking her so long; splashing her face with water and giving the mirror one last glimpse, she went out again. 

She decided to suppress her feelings, see if they would go away eventually if she didn't act on them; distraction would probably help, too. Perhaps it would even resolve quiet easily and she wouldn't have to pine after someone who didn't want her, or destroy a friendship that was very meaningful to her. The alternative wasn't even an option, because telling him would only wreak havoc.

Clearly, Bellamy didn't like her, not like _that_ , so the only thing that she would accomplish with the truth was making things awkward. She didn't want that. He was too important to Clarke for that. 

So choking her feelings it was then. 

Back in the dining room, Lincoln was finished with the wash up and sitting next to Octavia, his shoulder loosely swung around her; Bellamy's vision focused on her when she came back silently, sitting down without sparing him a glance. Clarke could feel him looking at her, however she tried to join the pair's conversation instead.

"So we thought about a nightout at the dropship," Octavia was just telling her boyfriend while nuzzling into his side. 

"The dropship? I've never heard of it."

"It's a bar," Bellamy answered before his sister even got the chance to open her mouth. "We're practically regulars there."

She had been there once, Clarke remembers. It was when she had first moved here and attempted to be social by going out but instead she only got wasted and had a one night stand with a hot girl she met there; she never came back.

"Yeah," Octavia softly said. "It's really cool and the boys know the owner, so we usually get the first round of drinks for free. You should join us next friday!"

Lincoln pretended to think about it and then smiled gently at her, nodding. 

"Sounds good."

The brunette turned around to Clarke and gave her a look. "You should come, too."

The idea of having a few drinks with good people was a good one; exactly what she needed after the realization she had in the bathroom even though it came to her mind, that Bellamy would be there, too.

Other people would be there, though, she didn't have to be near him; she didn't even have to talk to him.

"I'm in."

(Clarke Griffin realized she was fucked.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and the plot thickens!
> 
> I'd say we are half finished now, the last eight chapters including this were part A and now we're gradually coming to the rest of the story :) At this point I would like to thank the people who leave kudos, bookmarks and especially the ones who take the time to write a comment: thank you!! I'm aware it's not a lot and I guess I would've abandoned this fic a long time ago if I didn't love writing it as much as I do and the nice comments a few people leave, but I'm too deep into the story to stop rn so yeah. Just a friendly reminder that feedback matters so SO MUCH :) Anyway thanks for reading and buckle up for a bumpy ride throughout the next, well, chapters!


	10. Before the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I write this and think: wow, Clarke babe u really are a drama queen.
> 
> WARNING: there is a scene where someone is harassed so if u aren't comfortable with reading such content, you might want to skip it (It's not really long)

"I need another drink."

That was the cue Clarke had been waiting for, she got up and told her friends the next round was on her, hoping to get a little space to clear her mind. Unfortunately, the universe didn't think so. Bellamy also stood up from across the booth they were occupying.

"I'll help ya," he said.

 _Fuck_ , she thought.

The truth was that she had been trying to avoid Bellamy for the past week which, considering they were sharing an apartment together, was not as easy as it seemed like. Clarke had to pick up extra shifts, make more runs to the grocery store than necessary, and spend less time in the living room but despite all her efforts she still had to interact with him. She hated that she even had to take these drastic measures, but it was definitely easier than talking to her room mate while her mind wandered to places he couldn't even imagine; instead of her 'crush' on him ceasing from the lack of contact and suppressing her feelings, it seemed to grow even more. She was aching to speak to him, cling onto every last of his words and enjoy his presence, yet there was this rather rational part of her that told her to leave it, it would hurt less that way. 

Now he was following her through the crowd of people at the dropship, his hand resting softly on her back. Clarke would lie if his touch didn't have a rather thrilling effect on her.

"Eleven shots of vodka lime, please," she ordered at the bar and then, after seeing Bellamy's eyes land on her, adding a "and a moonshine premium".

"You really don't plan on staying sober tonight, huh?" 

She mustered him from the side, silently deciding if she should stay friendly and warm, or just go straight forward and be a bitch to him (because it was easier that way, easier to forget that she actually liked him). "Not really, no," she answered loudly, trying to yell over the music that was blasting from the speakers. "Is that a problem?" _That was_ _appropriate,_ Clarke thought, _their usual style of communicating._  

"Well, not for you," he told her with a quirked eyebrow. "Since I am the one who will have to bring you home tonight." Bellamy laughed a little.

She gulped and turned her face away, firmly staring ahead. "You don't have to do anything, Bellamy," she said and thought it might have been too quiet for him to hear but he did anyway.

His elbow nudged her shoulder as he leaned closer. "Hey, it's no problem for me," he said. "You're funny when you're drunk."

Not only funny but also emotional, and painfully honest about things that were going through her mind at the moment. All of a sudden the thought of him bringing her home while she was plastered made her anxious. What if she let her feelings about him slip? Or try some moves on him? Clarke didn't want that, no, actually she was horrified by the concept.

"I'm serious, you don't have to," she retorted.

Bellamy's eyebrows furrowed on his face and he gave her an irritated look. "What's the big deal? We literally live in the same place, of course, we'll go home together."

"Maybe I want to stay longer," she suddenly snapped. "Maybe I won't even go home tonight at all." It was a lie, she didn't want to spend the night with a stranger; all she wanted was _him_. 

"Do whatever the hell you want, Clarke," he replied, still confused but his facial expression now visibly rougher. "I'm just not someone who lets a drunk girl go home by herself, especially if that girl is one of my best friends."

She was glad that the bartender decided to give her the drinks at this exact moment, so she didn't have to answer Bellamy, or look him in the eye for that matter. Clarke quickly paid and then made her way through the people back to their friends, not waiting for him.

Some of the people in the booth exlaimed excited shouts when they came back because _more alcohol_  but mostly, they continued their conversation about the weirdest parties they had been to in college or something.

Obviously, Clarke didn't mind not to be immediatelly pulled into some discussion, she had to think about what Bellamy had said first. _Especially if that girl is one of my best friends... one of my best friends._  She was one of his best friends and it made her heart warm up and clench tightly at the same time. It was so good to hear that apparently, she was as important to him as he was to her because Clarke loved their friendship, she loved every minute she spent with him but perhaps, she loved it a little to much and that was the problem. She enjoyed it so much that she had lost herself a bit in it and subduing her feelings for him caused her to either avoid or be distant and mean to him.

_I am basically ruining it piece by piece._

While Clarke was coming to the realization that her crush would cost her Bellamy, she was sipping on her drink the whole time and by the time Monty, who was sitting next to her, pulled her out of her thoughts the drink was almost empty. 

"You feeling okay there?" he asked with a somewhat concerned face.

She nodded swiftly and forced a smile out. "Perfect, I was just lost in thought," Clarke answered.

"Yeah, I noticed," he laughed. "At least you're keeping up with the booze," he remarked and nodded to her cup. _The alcohol was definitely not the problem she was facing right now._

Clarke smirked, not ashamed of the fact that she could down her drinks in mere seconds (one of her most special talents). "Thanks, now that you mention it, reminds me that I wanted to get another one," she told him and waved her empty cup before wanting to stand up and disappear to the bar again, this time on her own, however Monty waved her off and got up.

"I'll get it, don't worry."

So apparently the universe truly didn't want Clarke Griffin to have her space tonight. She played off her disappointment with a wide smile and a "thanks, Monty, you're the best" before watching him vanish in the crowd with Miller briskly jumping after him.

"I give them one month," Octavia suddenly said into the round and got Clarke's attention since she had to actually participate in the conversation this time, much to her despair.

A few people, including Harper and Monroe, two girls she had first met earlier, shook their head in disagreement whereas others seemed to be on her side.

"No way, did you see them tonight? I'm telling you it will happen - like -  _tonight_ or the next few days," she heard Monroe (or was it Harper?) exclaim loudly. It looked like everyone, aside from her and Lincoln whose confused face she noticed later, knew what the topic was about even though no one directly mentioned it.

Jasper turned around to give the girl a disbelieving look. "Oh my god, Monroe, have you even seen them _the whole past year?_ " he asked her and then turned back to the whole group. "My bet's still on the summer holidays, guys."

And then Bellamy cut in and suddenly Clarke was wrapped up in the way his ruffled curls were hanging from his sides and the way his blue shirt was tightening around his muscular arms. _He looked so damn hot_. And she was staring, yep, the alcohol had probably started working but then again, she couldn't pretend she didn't do this every other time, too.

" _I know_ Miller and even though he might not look like it, he is a big sap inside out, so it will take him forever to finally get his shit together and ask Monty out. A couple of months, at least," he said with that typical I-know-it-all-look that Clarke hated (and secretly adored).

Again, his friends had a whole lot opinions on the subject and she slowly started to understand what or rather who it was about. 

"Spoken like a true advocate of not having the guts to tell someone that you wanna bang 'em," Murphy commented slyly from his side and smirked sheepishly into his drink which earned him an irritated "shut up, Murphy".

It probably wasn't necessary to mention anymore that the remark left a sting of irritation and pang on Clarke; it felt already bad enough that she fell for someone who only did casual sex but realizing that someone could be pining after someone else? It made her feel sick to be honest, not because of him, god, _never_ because of him but because of her. How could she be so stupid? So blind and not even see the situation? How did she develop feelings for the only person, she couldn't have? _So fucking stupid._  

She tried to shift her attention back to the convo.

"But Bell, this thing between them has been going on for ages now and I don't think even Miller can wait that long. Anyway it could be Monty, you know, who'll make the first move," Octavia said.

"It has to be in the summer," Jasper tried again. "Monty's birthday, renting the beach house and day drinking? Sounds a whole lot like perfect timing to me, anyone else?"

Clarke silently wondered why everyone seemed so eager to see the two boys get together, although she probably wasn't the one to speak since it had always been a secret hobby of hers to play matchmaker. In this case, though, she hadn't seen any indication of sexual tension hanging in the air between Monty and Miller and if she had, she didn't really take notice. 

"Is it really so bad between them?" she wanted to know and for the first time since it had been brought up, everyone nodded positively. However, a few seemed to be shocked about her lack of knowledge and even gasped in outrage.

"Wait, you _haven't_ noticed?"

Shaking her head, she looked back at Octavia who was goggling at her. "Not really, they just seemed like normal friends to me," Clarke replied.

A wave of agitation washed over her when Bellamy's gaze landed on her, but she tried to stiffle the feeling that sent her stomach crawling out of her body. She should apologize. After all, she had been a pointless bitch and she yearned for him to smile at her or say her name. Clarke wanted him so much, and yet she knew that the world didn't want them to see together. He didn't want to be in a relationship, he was only seeing a friend in her and as of late it looked like he even wanted someone else. 

That someone else was very lucky.

"Why are y'all so convinced they aren't already hooking up?" Murphy threw into the discussion after she returned from her eternal mental discussion with herself. "I mean, who knows if they aren't currently making out in the alley behind the dropship, at this very moment? They've been gone for a considerably long amount of time."

The suggestion earned him a couple of excited murmurs and gasps but before anyone could offer their insight to it, the two men were on their way back to their booth. Just like that, her friends pretended to talk about something completely else.

Monty had brought her a new drink, so she happily sipped it through the rest of the night. She also wanted to see what it was all about, the thing with him and Miller, therefore she peeked occasionally at the two boys and well, seemingly her friend weren't exaggerating.

Miller gazed at him like the sun shone out of his ass when he wasn't looking, then again Monty probably saw stars in his eyes, telling by the way he smiled at him but nor one nor the other seemed to notice each other's affection for each other, or maybe they just chose to ignore it for unknown - and presumably very stupid reasons. Why would two people who cared for each other in the same, deep way just not get on with it and admit their feelings? It was a mystery to Clarke and certainly idiotic. Two idiots who were obviously in love with each other. _Damn idiots._

 _S_ he threw in her own ten dollars into the betting pool that night. Her guess was it would happen in approximately two months. 

The evening proceeded extremely fast as Clarke's drinks came and went; the alcohol pulsing through her blood as she laughed at stupid jokes from Jasper, or Harper's list of the worst hook ups she ever had, and at some point she realized that she really _liked_ these people. Perhaps, she hadn't known them for years but they easily accepted her as a new member of the gang and now it felt normal to be with them. Closing her eyes for several moments, she tried to savour the moment, the cackling laughter, the genuinely happy faces, the _atmosphere_. 

Sure, Bellamy frequently crossed her mind and maybe it ached to see him sitting there, his nose crinkling from laughing and his brown eyes wandering around the room with such an acute and bubbly expression that she wanted to memorize it because it was so strikingly beautiful, it ached to repress her want for him. However, in the end it was due to him that she was here right now, hanging out and having fun with these people. Thanks to Bellamy and Octavia.

"I think it's time to hit the road, guys, it's getting late," Octavia announced, clapping her hands; Lincolns arm wrapped around her.

"Jus' because she's in a relationship now she wants 'o gome early," Jasper slurred somewhat shakily and looked around him to see if his friends agreed. They didn't. It was really getting late.

Clarke on the other hand found herself disappointed that the night was coming to an end, but she stiffled her chagrin down, albeit grudgingly. A yawn forced itself out of her mouth and _yeah, ok, perhaps it was really time to go home now._

First she excused herself to go the toilet, though, because her bladder always shrinked to the size of a coin when she consumed alcohol (she really detested that con). On the way there, she coul feel a pair of intent eyes staring. It was a guy, probably a few years older than her, with short blond hair and a wicked smirk on his face. Somehow, his expression reminded her of Finn and she shuddered . She ignored his gaze, since they were leaving anyway, aside from that Clarke wouldn't be able to look at a man without wishing it would be Bellamy for the next couple of months. _That_ was how fucked she was.

When she walked out of the bathroom her people had already left the dropship, they told her they would wait outside for her, so she made her way through the bar. Something inside her twisted nervously as she passed the guy from earlier, and before she even noticed he stood up and followed her. It was the sudden grip on her shoulder that made her turn on her heels. 

"Hey, blondie, you already leavin'?"

Clarke pressed out a strained smile, her instincts were screaming to just go, just walk the few steps out of the door and find the others. "Yeah, I'm sorry," she told him and tried to keep her voice friendly, yet steady and confident.  She remembered what her mother had always told her before she went out: _When a guy is bugging you, stay curteous and decline his offer politely, chances are he will back off more easily that way_. Of course, it was no guarantee but the least she could do was try, even though every last of her nerves was screeching at the sight of the malicious sneer on his face.

"Oh come on, stay a little," the stranger said. "We could have some fun." His fingertips dug into her skin and she immediately took a step back, his touch setting her intestines on fire like a match igniting an explosion. 

"Excuse me but I really have to go," she firmly told him and walked away into the night; the fresh air outside seemed to dampen the revulsion creeping up her spine. The one thing she hated most was creepy guys that didn't take no for an answer. She looked around for her friends but suddenly Clarke could feel someone drilling holes into her back. If this was the creepy guy again, she would seriously freak.

And it _was_ really him again but this time there was not even a fake smile on his lips, just sheer hostility in his eyes and a widened stance.

She felt small compared to him. 

Where the hell were her friends?

"Please, leave me alone," she whispered.

He closed his eyes, slowly shaking his head. "I know you want this, blondie," she heard him say. "I saw the way you looked at me in the bar, the hunger in your eyes. Now you're just playing hard to get." 

Clarke took a couple paces back and clenched her fingers into a fist to stop her hands from shaking. He was approaching her now, gradually but surely.

"Fuck, why are you playing with me, huh? Look at you dressed like that-" his hand waved over her body "-don't tell you didn't come here to have a little fun," he spat into her face and his right hand flew forward, grabbing her wrist and pulling her towards him. 

A shrill bawl escaped her throat as she tried to break free from his grip. "Get off me, you freak," Clarke shouted terrified by his agressive behaviour. "Let me go!" However, he only grasped tighter and used his other hand to catch a strand of her hair and drag her face downwards, the motion causing her to wince in pain and loose balance. He kept muttering insults under his breath, so that neither of them heard the different voices approaching until a loud "Clarke" rang through the chilly air.

Before she was able to register what was happening the guy was sent staggering backwards, blood shooting out of his nose from the punch that he had just received, and suddenly Bellamy was standing in front of her, his shoulders broadened wightly and his fingers clenched into fists at his sides. Although, the man's face was warped in pain it didn't stop him from attacking and striking Bellamy's jaw.

"Bellamy?" Clarke breathed, worry washing over her as she watched the two men fighting.

Two other figures, Harper and Murphy, rushed to her side and helped her to get up while Bellamy hit him again, this time with such force that his head lulled backwards. "You didn't hear her say to let go?" he yelled ferociously and his fist came down. "You fucking pervert, what's wrong with you?" He wound up again, but the guy ducked this time and dashed his whole body against him so that both of them fell to the ground. 

The next several moments passed in a haze as Clarke cried out his name, urging Miller to step in and end the stupid fight that threatened to get out of hand when Bellamy gained control again and sent several hits to the stranger's face. At some point her vision got blurry and all she could make out was copper red blood in the scene. Finally, Miller tugged at his arms.

 „Hey man, you gotta stop now,“ Miller exclaimed, while he was drawing Bellamy back.

She closed her eyes in ease when she saw that the two men were now apart, both gasping for air after the fight.

„Don't ever touch someone without their permission, you hear me,“ Bellamy yelled at the guy, currently standing over him after breaking out of his friend's handle. „You fucking show up here again, I swear I will not hesitate to beat the crap out of you again.“

The guy nodded embarassingly fast but didn't make a move to stand up or say anything else.

Clarke, who was clutching at Harper's arm, got antsy someone might see the scenery and call the police or something. „Come on,“ she urged. „I think he got it now.“

Bellamy nodded hesitantly but eventually he turned around and was immediately by her side, scanning her for any injuries even though he was the one with a bloody nose and several scratches on his face. „Did he hurt you?“ he wanted to know.

Shaking her head, she grabbed his wirst and started walking away hastily, the other two trailing close behind them. „Nothing serious,“ Clarke replied after they dropship was out of sight. „Let's go home.“

 

-

 

„Stop moving.“

She reached for a cotton pad and dipped it into a mild solution, that she kept in her bathroom for incidents like this one, to clean Bellamy's cuts.

„I'm not,“ he sighed with his eyes kept on the ground.

 _Right, perhaps it was her who was squirming the whole time because her hands couldn't stop trembling, even after the adrenaline had vanished_. Or it was the alcohol in her system, although she had assumed it dissolved into air when everything happened. Clarke halted for a moment to take a deep breath and then proceeded.

„You shouldn't have done that, Bellamy,“ she murmured while she was softly wiping away dried blood on his face.

„He was _harassing_  you.“

Taking a step back, Clarke observed her work. He was definitely more clean now, but the wounds were still visible and she could see a black eye developing. She looked him in the eye then. „Pushing him back would have sufficed, you know. It wasn't necessary to beat him up.“

„It was.“

„Bellamy -“

„No, Clarke. You realize what he could have done if we hadn't come at the very moment? What he would have done to _you_?“ His gaze was searching hers bewilderedly.

Clarke swallowed the urge to lean in and kiss him as a thanks, or simply hug him until her arms fall numb, instead she sighed quietly. „I haven't said thank you yet,“ she remarked and her lips curled up in a small smile. „Thank you.“

On their way back home she had thought of numerous outcomes that could have happened if that guy hadn't stopped, a few of them so detestable they sent chills down her spine. Of course, she would have tried to defend herself but the question was if it had done any good. She didn't know and perhaps it was for the best.

Bellamy's worried expression faltered and shifted to something like awe, their gazes breaking apart. „How could he just touch you like that,“ he muttered more to himself than to her. „Fucking bastard.“

„Hey, I'm safe and sound. You're the one with a nosebleed and a shiner.“

„Details,“ he huffed with a low chuckle.

„You're an idiot,“ Clarke told him, putting away the emergency kit and throwing away the blood stained cotton pads. „But in a good way,“ she added and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

„And you're bossy,“ Bellamy countered with a light grin.

 

* * *

 

A week later the moon was shining especially bright, sending a path of silver light spreading across the earth that Clarke adored to observe. She was at one with herself on nights like this.

She looked at her right and mustered the woman standing next to her. Lexa was beautiful with her long wavy brown hair falling across her shoulders, but she couldn't help but to feel sorrow. Her heart ached for someone else.

„It's so pretty,“ Lexa said and turned her face to smile at Clarke.

She nodded tighly.

„It is.“

Her head moved back up to the night sky. They were currently standing in the parking lot of a cheap diner, after having eaten at a fancy restaurant with a five-course dinner. They had a good time with interesting conversations and copious amount of flirting, but Clarke could feel it inside, it didn't fullfill her. Her feelings didn't consume her like she wanted to be consumed after the first – or second date. _Perhaps_ , she thought, _you should just give her some time_. Eventually it will come, won't it? Because she wanted it to work somehow. Lexa understood her as a fellow doctor, she was also smart and wise and undeniably attractive and yet, it didn't click and she knew exactly why.

„Have I already told you how glad I am that you agreed to go out with me?“

Clarke smiled and spinned around to face her while leaning against the car behind her. „Yes but you can tell me again,“ she said with a light smirk tugging at her lips.

Lexa was fully turned towards her now and her eyes wandered over her like she was her dessert. „Well, I am _very_ glad,“ she repeated slowly, rolling the words on her tongue.

A few seconds passed as they stared at one another. Clarke felt like this was the moment she would usually start feeling butterflies flying around in her stomach, instead she was thinking about someone else, someone who didn't want her like that. She knew what was about to happen but it didn't excite her, not like it should have.

It took another couple of seconds until Lexa started leaning in, but once she made that step it happened naturally and eventually she closed the distance, kissing the brunette slow and sweet.

Lexa brought up her hands to cup her face and pulled her closer, her lips gliding smoothly over hers as they kissed. Maybe, her lack of excitement was palpable or she was doing something wrong but the other girl pulled away after a short time, furrowing her eyebrows.

„Clarke, is something wrong?“

„What? No, no -“ her hand gestured towards Lexa. „- it was perfect, you're perfect.“ Perfect, but not what she craved deep within herself.

The scowl on her face didn't ease. „But?“ she demanded as if she was able to read her thoughts.

Clarke wanted so badly to feel something for this, rather than for something she couldn't have so she lied and shook her head, answering: „No buts, I'm okay, Lex.“ Then she kissed her again and tried to make it as believable as it could get, her right hand grasping the girl, the left one caressing her cheek.

They made out a little more in the parking lot and eventually it got late, so they decided to call it a night since they both had to work the next day. Lexa drove her home but the ride was rather silent and Clarke wondered if it was just her withdrawn persona or if something was wrong. When they arrived in the street she lived in, the brunette finally looked at her again but her expression was strange, one she couldn't read.

„Thank you for the ride,“ Clarke said and leaned in to give her a goodbye kiss but the other girl pulled back, her palm on the shoulder stopping her.

„Clarke.“

A crease formed between her brows as she regarded Lexa. „Hey, what's wrong?“ 

She could see her gulping and it dawned on her that she wouldn't like what she would hear now.

„Clarke, I like you. I _really_ do and there's nothing that I want more than to kiss you again. But I can feel that I am not what you are to me, you may go on dates with me and kiss me in parking lots but you are not there with your heart,“ Lexa explained holding her gaze the whole time but looking away at last. „I do not know what your heart feels, Clarke Griffin, but I do know that it is beating for someone else, and not for me and that's okay. I deserve someone who wants me just as much as I want them, though and well, you don't.“

The blonde bit down on her teeth as she frantically tried to focus on something, anything really just so that she didn't have to see her sad gaze. „Lexa, please,“ she whispered.

She had agreed to go on a date with for other reasons then, but shortly beforehand she found herself looking forward to do something else than pining over him.. She thought it might help but here she was now and apparently, Clarke couldn't even have that.

„I'm sorry, Clarke but I think we both know that this would make neither of us happy.“

Ultimately, she dared to raise her eyes again and look at the girl; what she saw was a remorseful but determined glance. Lexa didn't want to do this but she probably knew that it was bad for her, so she stopped it before it could become serious. She was protecting herself.

„I thought if I give it time...,“ Clarke tried but halted as a lonely tear ran over her cheek; explaining her train of thought wouldn't help, only worsen the situation so she remained silent. Perhaps, the regret in her eyes was enough, enough to tell her that she was sorry.

Lexa simply nodded.

"I'm sorry," she eventually uttered. 

"Don't be," the brunette said and gave her an understanding smile. 

But maybe she was right. Maybe this would have made her only more miserable.

"Goodbye, Lexa."

Clarke got out of the car and carefully closed the door behind her. She didn't wait for the car to drive away, she just went into the building and tried to stop herself from falling apart right there.

It wasn't the fact that Lexa rejected her, it was the feeling she had now, like she wasn't able to be with other people. What if she would never find someone again?

_You have your whole live ahead of you, silly. Just wait._

However her mind wandered into different directions anyway, coming up with several scenarious that mostly ended with her dying alone and miserable. Maybe that was her fate now. 

She reached her apartment door after some time that felt like hours. Putting the keys in the lock and twisting them, she pushed it open and stepped inside, taking in the scent of baked potatos, and Bellamy. 

It was quiet and he usually greeted her, so she assumed either he wasn't home or he was already sleeping. But when she went to turn on the light in the living room, she saw him lying there on his side. He was sleeping on the couch. 

_Jesus christ, that's a pretty face the kind you'd find on someone that could save._

An overwhelming warmth spread through Clarke, seeing him like that. There were still faint marks of the fight a week ago but at least his eye looked like it had healed. 

She sighed deeply and got a blanket that she could cover him with, so that he wouldn't get cold in the night. Then she left him alone and shuffled into the kitchen where she intended to get herself a glass of wine after this eventful day, however they had none. So she settled for an old Vodka bottle that had been standing in her kitchen for far too long. Since Clarke wasn't a complete drunk yet, she mixed it with the orange juice out of the fridge and swiftly gulped the beverage down.

It tasted like shit. She didn't like Vodka, she never had but for now it would have to be enough. 

Lexa's words were replaying like an echo in her head. _Your heart is beating for someone else._  And that someone else was napping idly in the room next to her, unaware that she wanted him with every fiber of her being. She wondered when it stopped being a crush and started to grow into this agonizing ache that filled her with desire and sadness at the same time. 

Clarke mixed herself a new drink, drinking this one up just as fast as her last one. At some point, without realizing it tears started flowing down her cheeks while the weight of loneliness surrounded her. 

She felt utterly alone because usually, she would talk to Bellamy about it, but that, she couldn't just do, could she?

Normally, Clarke Griffin fought for the things she wanted, because that was what she did, what made her up as a person. In this case though, it wasn't this easy. He was simply too important to her to lose him over something like unrequited feelings, and she knew it was only her that felt like that. It had to be just her. Otherwise, she would have noticed damnit. 

So she had everything to lose and yet the most beautiful thing to gain. But was it worth it to mess up their friendship and endanger their good relationship just for the possibility of the same feelings? Then again, Clarke wasn't sure if she was able to hide her feelings for someone she saw everyday because they were living together; it was like trying to hide the fact that she needed oxygen to breathe. 

She heard a sound behind her and turned around to see Bellamy walking over to her, arms stretching and a yawn ripping from his mouth.

"Sorry, if I woke you," Clarke apologized quietly when he sat down across from her. He still looked tired, and pretty upset actually but she figured he would tell her if something was bothering him.

"You didn't," he replied with a head shake and glanced over the mini table they were sitting at, taking in the Vodka bottle and her empty cup. "Geez, Clarke. Bad day?"

"Kinda."

Because that was easier to say than: _I have feelings for you that you don't know about and now it's ruining my chances to find someone else._

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really," she answered, not meeting his pointed gaze. "Do you?"

He frowned. "What?"

"Talk about something," she explained and nodded at him. "Because you don't look so good either."

His adams apple bobbed as Bellamy swallowed tightly. 

"My mother died ten years ago today."

Her heart sunk at the revelation and she silently cussed herself out for moping about him instead of noticing that he maybe needed her help, too. "I didn't know that. I'm sorry," Clarke offered, her lips pursed into a thin line.

She could see the muscle in his jaw flexing before he started again. „You know, she used to disappear for days when Octavia and I were still children. Whole days went by where I didn't know where she was or if she'd even return and O was – she was so small, still so fragile I thought that I would break her somehow. But even as this little kid, she was so damn strong, so brave.“ His gaze dropped to the brown rug beneath his feet. „And one day, she didn't come again. O' was twelve, she had started to develop her own mind then, started to talk back and I remember, she was so angry that our mom left again. She threw a fit and yelled that she didn't wanna have her as a mother anymore, and the next day the police came and told us that she had died. Drug overdose. In a crappy motel somewhere in the town next to ours. The asshole that was with her just left here there, alone, to rot.“

A thick, ponderous knot settled in Clarke's throat as she listened to him. „That must have been awful.“ She had no idea what she could possibily offer that would be comforting, anything she thought of was nowhere near enough and a simple 'I'm sorry' seemed too overused, it didn't seem genuine.

„It still is,“ Bellamy said gravelly, his voice sounding like someone had rasped it against asphalt. „Sometimes I remember what it felt like then, the fear, the shame, the pain.. It still feels just shitty as it did then.“ Sucking in a deep breath, he shoved his face into his palms, rubbing his left eye.

The story was horrible, even more than she had imagined when Octavia first mentioned their past. But what he was telling her felt more raw somehow, more utterly miserable.

„But you are not alone anymore like when you two were just kids. You have so many friends who love and support you, Bellamy.“ _You have me,_ she wanted to say.

His eye came up to meet hers and this time she held the gaze.

„I know. That's what makes it bearable.“

Sighing wearily, Clarke leaned back into her chair. „How did you manage afterwards? Taking care of your sister even though you were – what, seventeen years old?“

She was legally an adult, twenty-three years on this earth, and she still wasn't sure if she was able to take care of herself. So how did he do it? What gave him the power to go on as a mere teenager, when his fellow friends probably had booze and wild dreams on her minds, while Bellamy had to worry about keeping Octavia sated?

„My sister. O' was all the light I needed after my mom died, just looking at her was enough to pull through the day.“

„You gave each other strenght.“

„She gave _me_ strength,“ he corrected her with a weary look.

But that was not true. He had been a seventeen year old kid with hopes and dreams like the rest but what he did instead, was sacrifice all of it to make his sister's life as convenient as possible. Working his spine off, giving up education, probably neglecting himself completely just so that he would come home at the end of the day and see her smile. How was that not the definition of strength?

„Don't even try to loathe yourself, Bellamy, because you're a fucking good person and I will, not kidding, hit you if you even do as much as not believe me,“ she warned him with a raised finger. It felt like the alcohol in her definitely had a part in this speech, but there was so much truth behind it, too.

A huff of laughter erupted in the tension- filled air before the man across from her frowned again. 

"It's not all good, Clarke." It sounded like a humiliating admission, something  he had just recognized. But she was ready for it, ready for it all whatever it was. 

"So?"

Bellamy's eyes snapped to her in confusion. "So?" he echoed as if he didn't understand. 

"Well, of course it's not only good, Bellamy. Life's like that, it's not only black and white and sometimes we make mistakes along the way but that doesn't mean we intentionally are bad people." Clarke's words are followed by an exasperated sigh and her running through her hair.

"I - uh som - I can't even tell you," he stuttered and a sudden wave of desperation flooded his gaze as he cursed under his breath.

"It's just me." She reached over the table and letting her opened hand rest there. It was an offer, one she wasn't sure he would take. "You know you can tell me anything, but only if you want to."

"That's it. You're Clarke."

She raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"You're my best friend and you'd hate me if you knew," he admitted quietly, however his hand eventually joined hers on the surface, squeezing tightly.

"I would _never_ hate you."

She wouldn't be able to even if she wanted to, even if she tried, even if he broke her heart into a thousand pieces - it was only his to break anyway.

He scoffed tiredly at this, "You don't know what you're saying."

Clarke's grip on his hand tightened, perhaps a little too firm even, since he almost jerked away. "I know exactly what I'm saying, Bellamy. I will never hate you."

A moment of silence passed between them.

"I will hold onto that, y'know?" he joked ultimately and quipped a petite smile at her. She laughed, rolling her eyes and pinching one of his fingers.

Someday he might be ready to talk about it, but today was not that day and that was okay. It was okay that he kept some things hidden away of her, since she did so as well and hers, well, they involved a lot of him in them.

His demons weren't something that scared Clarke, everyone had them. But they made her realize one important thing: Bellamy was still struggling, still in need of her support and she wouldn't let her feelings for him come in the way of their friendship. In fact, maybe she could show him through them that he was a person worthy of love, so that was what she planned to do.

 

* * *

 

„Clarke?“

Her head whipped up to find him already looking at her, an uncertain expression hovering on his face. Was he _nervousc_?

„Yeah?“

„I have these tickets for a museum Octavia and me wanted to visit today but she backed off last minute like the _killjoy_ she is.“ bellamy specially emphasized the insult he had used for his sister. „So I was wondering if you'd like to join me.“

Clarke's eyes widened in surprise before she scolded herself for over reacting. _He's only asking you because Octavia cancelled, silly. It's nothing more._ But then again it was a pretty good opportunity to get started on her plan or whatever it was that she had in mind. She just wanted to try a little and show him that she cared for him, a lot. Besides, spending time with him was something she definitely didn't mind. Clarke loved it in fact (and not just because she was crushing on him).

„Sure, sounds great. I didn't have any plans today, anyway.“

Bellamy's lips curled into a soft grin and it was the most beautiful thing she saw that day, and she had watched an episode of sense8 which was full of pretty people, mind you.

„Good. Be ready to leave in an hour.“

-

They spent their entire afternoon at the North Carolina Museum of History and it was entertaining in a different kind of way, because Clarke wasn't the most interested person in History (and sure as hell not as Bellamy freaking Blake) and yet she found herself listening and nodding along to what he was telling her about. Perhaps, it was the fact that Bellamy looked so genuinely happy while he was talking about some old emperor, or even that it was just an excuse for being able to look at his pretty face and listen to his voice all day. The case that she enjoyed the time with him remained though, whatever her reasons might have been.

Afterwards, the two of them both decided to grab something to eat at the nearest diner they could find. They settled on Wendy's because Clarke was really in the mood for unhealthy, fatty (vegetarian) hamburgers with fries, so they walked into the 'restaurant', laughing about a pigeon with a fry in it's mouth they had just seen, when she noticed a familiar brown pony tail. _Is that Raven? s_ he wondered and before she could inform Bellamy what was going on, she slowly made her way over to the booth the girl was sitting in, where, by the way, another (gorgeous) woman was seated at; long, curly, red hair falling over her shoulders and an easy smile playing on her lips.

She heard a puzzled „Clarke?“ coming from behind her, but then he trailed off and just followed her.

„Raven?“

The figure with the pony tail spinned around and sure enough it was Raven Reyes looking at her with wide, glowing eyes. „Clarke!“ she exclaimed happily and stood up to throw her arms around her. „Hey, oh my god what a coincidence that we both meet in this shithole!“

The blonde laughed at her friend's blunt choice of words before her eyes wandered to the other girl sitting in the booth.

„Ah, yes, that's Luna, y'know the one I told you about,“ Raven said with a sheepish smirk and then turned around to her date. „Luna, that's Clarke. The doc.“

Clarke smiled widely and waved excitedly at the girl. She was really delighted to meet her best friend's girlfriend, especially since she seemed so happy ever since they had met.

She wanted to say something but then she noticed that she wasn't alone here either, in fact she was here with Bellamy, who the latina claimed wanting to meet for months now. _Well, what a great opportunity._

„Yeah,“ Clarke stammered at first, a blush creeping up her cheeks for reasons unknown to her. „That's Bellamy. Bell, this is my best friend Raven and her girlfriend Luna.“ Maybe she was flustered because it was Raven's fault why her inner dillema had started in the first place; she was the one to point out what a great idea it was if they hooked up even though she didn't know him then.

„Oh my, the one and only Bellamy Blake.“ Raven smirked and held out her hand which he reluctantly took.

„Hey,“ he simply said and showed the two girls an easy smile, the one that didn't quite reach his eyes.

After a moment of the buzz draining away, the couple invited them to join their dinner even though Clarke had to ask several times if it really didn't bother them and „are you sure we're not interrupting your date?“ but the two were confident in their choice. The blonde took a seat next to her best friend whereas Bellamy settled next to Luna.

„So what have you been up two today?“ Raven asked, looking between the blonde and her room mate with an inquiring look.

„Oh, just a museum visit really. Then we got hungry,“ Clarke answered.

„The North Carolina museum of History one?“ Luna wanted to know and took a sip of her tea.

Bellamy nodded. „Yeah, the exhibition of the first world war is pretty fascinating there.“

„Oh, so I've heard, too.“

„And this is coming from the guy who is actually the biggest ancient history nerd ever,“ the blonde quipped with a grin. „So it must be _really_ good if he's saying that.“ She could feel Raven shooting her a fishy look but ignoring it, she looked at Bellamy instead, who showed a tiny indication of a smile, and reached up to rub the back of his neck.

„I'm _not_ a nerd.“

She scoffed and shot him a glance. „Then why did I have to listen to whole fifteen minutes of information about Augustus the empreror?

He opened his mouth to respond but Raven cut in beforehand.

„Enough about history, my friends. It reminds me off high school.“

Chuckling silently, Clarke turned to her friend and her date. „What about you? How did you end up at Wendy's?“ she asked them.

„We were out for a walk and it got a little windy, so we decided to warm up with tea and fries in here,“ Luna replied.

She couldn't help but simultaneously frown and giggle at the image of Raven Reyes taking a walk. „You take strolls now, Reyes?“ she questioned her with an amused raised eyebrow.

„Well,“ her friend started, laughing a bit, before her eyes wandered around the booth and landed on Luna; her gaze softening immediately like she had just found the thing she was looking for. „The things we do for the people we love, right? Walking, eating healthy, going to history museums...“

As she trailed off, Clarke felt like someone had just shoved a torch in her face, her face heating up. Even a blind person, who wouldn't even witness the look Raven sent her, would probably see the implication that had just been made, and it made the ants under her skin crawl promiscuously. Even in front of the person itself, she didn't stop proposing the idea of something between them. And yeah, okay, she wasn't even so wrong because yes, Clarke did have a thing for Bellamy and yes, she went along with him and listened to his endless monologues about greek gods because of her feelings BUT it still seemed a little too drastic to just point it out (IN FRONT OF HIM). How the hell did the latina even notice things so fucking fast? Was it just the bestie intuition or was Clarke just so fucking easy to see through?

Anyhow, she chose to actively disregard the comment and pretend like she hadn't just said what she said. „I don't think a fast food restaurant qualifies as 'eating healthy',“ she remarked instead and her stomach growled at the mention of food. _Right, they had actually come here to eat and not chit-chat with Raven._ „Bellamy, are you still hungry? Because I am.“ Clarke forced herself to look at him, despite the feeling of embarassement she had to endure because of the not so subtle memo.

„Still am,“ he said gruffily and a muscle in his jaw clenched, he seemed to be tense. „I'll get the food, you stay here and -“ his hand motioned between the three girls „- catch up or whatever.“

„Okay, but don't forget to ask for the curly fries and -“

„And mayo instead of ketchup, yeah, yeah I know,“ Bellamy easily finished and waved her off as he walked over to the counter. She had to bite her cheek in order not to smile dumbly.

„So cheesy museum dates already, huh?“

Her head whipped around and she gave her friend the most threating glare she could manage, lightly slapping her arm at the same time. „You, Raven Reyes,“ she hissed with a raised finger. „Stop saying – things!“

A crease formed between her eyebrows and she raised her hands in front of her, faking her innocence. „Things? What things? Babe, did I say some things?“

Luna had watched the whole interaction with an amused face, but now that she got involved, the girl pursed her lips. „Well...“

„Hey, no, you're my girlfriend! You have to be on my side!“

„You did bring up a, um how do I say, uncomfortable topic?“

„See, Reyes, even your girlfriends says you're acting like an asshole,“ Clarke said, half triumphantly and half realizing that if it was so evident... then what the hell did Bellamy think now? Yes, she did want to show him that he was loved and most importantly, worthy of it but not like this, not through cunning jokes and implications.

Luna shook her head, „I did not say that.“

„You meant it,“ the blonde assured her and turned back to her friend. „Can you please just drop it? Especially in front of him?“

Raven sighed and crossed her arms like she was resigned. „Fine. I just have to get a few things off my chest, first.“

Rolling her eyes, Clarke sent her a flat look of annoyance but agreed anyway, „Go for it.“

„First and foremost, I was totally right about this whole thing and I completely saw it from the start. Secondly, there wouldn't be any things to say if you didn't act like a fucking couple, okay? So don't blame me for stating the obvious, and thirdly, he is really fucking hot and unless his personality is the equivalence of a garbage can, I totally do not understand _why_ and _how_ you don't just go for it.“

The blonde exhaled loudly.

„I'm sorry, babe, you're obviously the hottest to me,“ the latina added after a moment of staring down Clarke, reaching over the table to take her hand.

„It's okay,“ her girlfriend quipped back with a nod and squeezed her palm.

„His personality isn't a garbage can“ was all Clarke had to say, since everything had already been thrown out into the, well not room, but restaurant. In that moment Raven probably saw the flicker of concession in her eyes and just like that the subject was dropped. She didn't make any more of her subtle hints when Bellamy came back and throughout the rest of the evening.

However, when Clarke was cuddled into her bed later that night with a book in her lap, she got a text.

**Raven 00:12 am: Just go for it Clarke**

 

 

* * *

 

She had just come home from work, exhaustion seeping through her bones as she dragged her dead feet to the living room just to collapse on the couch. She hated night shifts at the hospital, they just brought a kind of anxious feeling with them and everything that happened there seemed to be more dangerous and more fatal. But right now, the soft fabric under her was comfy and all she had to was close her eyes and let the darkness pull -

„Clarke!“

Her face jerked up at Bellamy's high pitched voice, however she could only utter an incoherent mumble.

„Clarke, you here?“ His voice approached and soon enough, he was standing in front of her. If she looked up, she would probably find him grinning or something. That's what his voice sounded like. _Weird_ , the blonde thought, _he almost never sounds like that._ Perhaps something really amazing had happened like the solution to world hunger, or the revival of firefly, so eventually she had to open her eyes and glance over him. As a matter of fact, a wide grin covered his face,

„I'll be published,“ he told her.

Clarke blinked, the words not making sense to her yet.

„What?“

„The book – I had a meeting with my agent and he told me that he has been in contact with a publisher for a while now and they-“ he stopped for a second to shake his head in excitement. „- They want it, Clarke.“

All of sudden, all the tiredness drained from her body as joy took its place instead, and she sat up. „Your book is going to be published?“ she repeated again.

Bellamy nodded.

„Oh my god, that's great,“ Clarke exclaimed happily; without a thought, she surged forward to wrap her arms around him, holding him tightly as his own arm slowly came up around her, too. „I'm so happy for you, Bellamy,“ she murmured into the side of his neck.

Time did appear to slow down for these couple of special seconds and she just let all the feelings that were going through her right now wash over her: delight, joice, bliss, love... Yes, Clarke recoginzed right there and then. _Bellamy Blake was her best friend and she loved him so much that she had in fact fallen in love with him._

She let go after some time, still flashing him a happy smile when Raven's text from a week ago came back to her mind. _Just go for it._ Her friend had probably meant straight forward kissing or something, but even though she wasn't quite ready to do that yet, a surge of courage overcame her so she suggested something that had been on her mind for a long time now.

„We should celebrate. Drinks on me and then maybe dinner?“

If Bellamy was able to punch someone for her, she was able to ask him out (albeit more indirect way of doing so by using the publication of his book as an excuse).

„That sounds good,“ he replied almost immediately and her heart made somersaults.

 

-

 

They chose to celebrate that exact evening.

Bellamy was out and about the whole day, spreading the news and going through the whole contract signing thing, which was the perfect occasion for Clarke to spend her day looking for an outfit and imagining a range of scenarios in which their 'night' could end. In the end, she wore a black dress that showed off her cleavage and emphasized her curves along with a loose cardigan. It wasn't too fancy or frilly, and yet sexy and good looking.

They had been texting the whole day, agreeing to meet at the bar they were going to and when the hour came, Clarke's heart was doing backflips while she entered the cozy looking place and looked for a spot where they could sit. He wasn't there yet which was actually good, she had still time to think about what this whole thing meant. She had been musing about Bellamy and what he thought of this. _Was he wondering why she suggested to celebrate but did not bother to include their friends? Did he think of it as a date (because she kind of was)? What if he brought his friends with him, or his sister? That would be really a low blow. And what would happen if she found out he was really into someone else, what then?_

As her mind drifted to other terrible ideas, she ignored the one that was actually happening.

The bartender asked her for the second time what she'd like to drink and after she told her that she was waiting for someone for the second time, the blonde woman sent her a pitying look and suddenly Clarke became aware of the situation she was in.

She looked at her phone, it was 9:14 pm. They were supposed to meet at nine.

Sighing languidly, she leaned into her hand. Maybe he was just running late (he never did) or messed up the time (he never did)? Or it was the bar, after all this was the first time they went to this place instead of the dropship; perhaps he had trouble finding it.

She decided to call him.

He didn't pick up.

 _It's Bellamy_ , she reasoned with herself. _He'll show up_.

After a full hour passed, though, and her spirit gradually gave up on the possibility that it was just a mistake, she sent him a few irritated texts like 'Bellamy where are u', 'hello are u alive' and 'I'm waiting for u in the bar btw?'' but that didn't seem to work either. So Clarke ordered a drink, and later a second one and that's when her phone finally vibrated next to the glass.

**Bellamy 10:43: Fuck sorry I totally forgot about tonight**

One and a half hour later. That's when he finally noticed that they were supposed to meet tonigt.

Clarke switched off her phone and downed her entire drink in one go.

(Her heart silently broke.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I want to say thaaaaank you soooo much to everyone who leaves comments or kudos or bookmarks, I'm just like the happiest person alive everytime I read what you think about the story <3 <3 <3  
> Secondly, wow this chap is long but hey, we have estimated 6-7 chapters left which means they'll probably all be this long. (I hope you dont mind?)  
> Thirdly, I wanted to ask you guys something. When these two dorks finally take some serious steps (and they will PATIENCE) would you prefer detailled smut orrrr not so explicit stuff? I've been wondering y'know and I do have this plan in my head but I still want to hear opinions on this :) SO yeah tell me what you like guys  
> Anyway, leave a comment, tell me what you liked, tell me what you wanna see and just talk to me :))))) I love it so much


	11. Unbreak my heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if canon is stressing u and u want happy BC but I have to disappoint u bc this is pure a n g s t

**Bellamy 10:43: Fuck sorry I totally forgot about tonight**

She stared at the text message in front of her until her vision blurred slightly. It felt like there was a strong hand wrapped around Clarke's heart, squeezing it roughly with callous force. Being stood up by people never felt good; being stood up by the person she kind of loved was, well, like a punch to the guts.

Collecting herself and focusing strongly on not letting any tears slip, she turned off her phone. He would see that she had read it and that would be enough as an answer. And if he tried to text her again or even call, it would go straight to voicemail and would not be any more of her problem. Clarke was angry; firstly crestfallen, then furious and now just unconcerned. The whole spectrum of negative emotions had probably run through her since she received the text and now, she didn't want to feel _anything_. After all, it was okay to feel nothing for a while. Especially after feeling everything for what had felt like forever then, and nothing now.

So she gulped her vodka down, and the disgusting flavor overrode the taste of bitter disappointment and regret.

 „Are you still waiting for your romeo?“ the bartender with the soft-looking pink lips and outstanding collarbone asked her suddenly. 

Clarke eyed her for a moment, not sure whether talking about it would help or make it worse. „Apparently, I've been forgotten,“ she said eventually, her voice strained with bitter emotions flooding her brain.

„How can someone forget a girl like you?“

„Apparently, very easily.“ A sour smile tugged at her lips.

„Then that someone must be very stupid,“ the other woman told her and winked as she went off to serve a pair sitting next to her.

Clarke thought about her eyes, the way they were flirtingly playing with her. Perhaps, she didn't like the one night stand thing anymore but tonight was an exception. Tonight the only thing she wanted was to have nothing but lust and desire flow through her veins, fading out everything else so that at the end of the day she would feel nothing but a big, white hole. Just this _one_ time.

So she waited for the bartender to talk to her again, and sure enough she did.

„Do you want another drink? It's on the house.“

„Only if you drink with me,“ Clarke replied and conjured up her most steamy smile.

The woman returned it and leaned closer to her on the counter. „Well, if you tell me your name, I'd rather not drink with a stranger.“

„Clarke.“ 

„Niylah. Nice to meet you, Clarke,“ Niylah said.

She poured them another glass of Vodka lime and they chatted for a good few minutes until the woman had to go back to work, seemingly distracted by the lonely girl sitting at the bar. But Clarke promised she would wait for her shift to end so they could continue their 'conversation' afterwards. Needless to say, there were not a lot of words involved when they made out in the alley behind the place.

From the moment their lips first touched, Clarke knew that she would be able to make her feel good, help her feel nothing for a while, since she seemed to be experienced and thus pretty good at it. The only thing to do was to go to of of their place and fuck. Although suddenly, she felt a conflict rise in her chest: the easier and most reasonable option was to go Niylah's, but something vengeful and satisfying twisted in her at the thought of bringing the girl home with her.

Bellamy might be still awake, maybe even worrying because she was unreachable on her phone, and that was exactly what drove her to purr the following thing:

„Let's go to my place, it's closer and that means I can fuck you sooner.“

Him seeing her with someone was an exhilarating image and even if he didn't see them tonight, he would still notice tomorrow morning (and Clarke would make sure to moan extra loud tonight). It would probably annoy Bellamy, make him pissed or something but she didn't care about that, in fact she even wanted to get on his nerves. It's what he deserved.

That's how they ended up in her apartment.

They entered the place quietly, giggling about something and definitely horny, but it seemed like no one was up; either he was sleeping or not even here. For the second time that night Clarke felt let down by Bellamy, even if it was for the sake of revenge right now. Maybe it was for the better, though, that way she really didn't have to worry about being loud (not that she ever was worried about that).

After a rushed make out session on Clarke's bed, Niylah went down on her and boy, did it make her forget for a couple of seconds with her head between her thighs. She, of course, returned the favor, grateful for the apparent distraction.

And yet, when they were lying next to each other, their hearts still beating wildly after coming down from the high, her mind still drifted off to the person who was, or was not, sleeping in the room across the hall. She still felt sad because he just forgot.

 

-

 

The light trobbing in her head was what woke her up, her body stirring to the other side of the bed to find a blonde mess of a hair sleeping idly next to her. After the usual sleepy confusion slowly faded, everything that had had happened the day before came to her senses and Clarke left out a weary sigh.

Bellamy had just... forgotten her. She was sad. She hooked up with someone and did so at her place. _What a stupid idea_ , even though she remembered how terribly good it had sounded the night before. _Really stupid idea_ , especially when she though back to her definitely not quiet sounds of pleasure. What if he had really heard them? That would be so embarassing.

Groaning internally about her drunken stupidness, she quietly tried to get out of bed without waking up Niylah, but the girl's eyes already started fluterring open.

„Morning,“ her one night stand said with a lazy smile on her lips as Clarke watched her waking up.

 „Hey.“ She rolled out of the sheets and smoothly slipped into a gown that had been lying on the floor. „I'm gonna fix me a cup of coffe, you want one, too?“

 However, Niylah shook her head, shifting in the bed to sit up. „Thanks, but I have to get going, I've got an early shift at the bar today.“

Relief washed over her as she regarded the woman with a smile and nodded before standing up. Clarke had been a bit worried that she might... think more of it than it actually was, which was just a casual one night stand but thankfully, it didn't seem like it, and frankly, Niylah hadn't acted like someone who got attached to something like casual sex so everything seemed to be good.

Until it wasn't. When the two blondes left the bedroom, they promptly ran into Bellamy, who was sitting at the kitchen bar leaning over a cup of tea. At the noise in front of him, he looked up and his gaze instantly fixed on Clarke.

His hair the usual mess, but his eyes were red rimmed and there was a shadow of exhaustion crippling in his expression.

The woman next to her broke the awkward silence: „Hey, I'm Niylah.“

Bellamy blinked at her for a moment. „I'm Clarkes husband,“ he said, his voice low and rough.

It took her a few seconds to realize what he had just said but when it hit her, she sent him a couple of completely irritated glances. „Bellamy,“ Clarke hissed then, glowering furiously at him.

Niylah frowned and took a step back, then looking at Clarke in bedlam. „What?“ Suddenly her facial features shifted from confusion to compuction as she opened her mouth to stammer something like an apology. „I – I'm sorry, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.“

Clarke turned around to her and shook her head. „It's just a joke,“ she reassured her and reached out to grip her arm. „I mean, we technically _are_ married -“ the woman's eyes widened again. „-but it's just on the papers. It was just a favor really, isn't that so, _Bellamy_?“ Her head snapped to him as she glared at him.

All he did was fold her arms and continue to stare at them with an annoyed look on his face.

A sudden wave of bitter anger overcame her as she looked at him and back at Niylah, swearing to herself that she would give him unshirted hell later for doing this. _What is he thinking? And what the fuck is his problem?_   If anyone had the right to be behave this childlishly, it would be _her_ and not _him_. However, Clarke pulled herself together for the moment and focused on making sure that the girl didn't believe him, didn't believe that she was the misstress or something. After all, she knew exactly how that felt after Finn, the guilt and the feeling of being dirty. It sucked.

„I'm serious, Niylah. We're officially married but it's fake.“

After several moments, in which she glanced between Clarke and Bellamy, passed, the blonde sighed but the frown on her face remained where it was. „Ok,“ she simply said. „I'm still going to go now since you two appear to have – unresolved issues.“ And with that she stalked over the door and left hurriedly. Clarke wanted to bring her downstairs or tell her that she should call her if she was in the mood for casual and hot sex, but the bartender probably thought she was weird now. A weirdo with a fake husband.

A deep breath, then she spinned around to face him.

„What the fuck, Bellamy?“

He rolled her eyes which madeher drive up the wall even more. „What's _wrong_ with you?“

„Calm down, it was joke,“ Bellamy simply replied and turned her back to her as he put away things into the refrigerator.

„Yeah, pretty shitty sense of humour you have there.“ She bit down on her teeth and shook her head in a frustrated manner.

 She saw him pausing for a second, his back muscles flexing as his hand tightly gripped a bottle of juice he was holding. „Clarke,“ he said reluctantly before turning back to her; his eyes suddenly soft.

„What?“ she snapped.

„I'm sorry for -“ he leaned heavily on the surface of the bar. „- sorry for yesterday. I was so busy with all the paperwork at the agency and suddenly it was already ten pm and I 

saw your texts. All this fuss about the book deal made me completely lose my head in there. I'm sorry.“

Clarke huffed out a nervous breath and looked away, not wanting to let him the satisfaction of knowing that she had been truly hurt by the incident, that it felt so shitty she distracted herself with a one night stand. „It's fine,“ she lied.

„I'm serious, I feel like a fucking asshole.“

 _Because you are one_ , she thought.

„Whatever.“ She crossed her arms in front of her chest and fixed him with a sharp look. „However, what I do not understand is why you acted like that just now. Nilyah really believed you.“

„Well it wasn't really a lie, Clarke,“ Bellamy joked and tried to laugh but not a single nerve in her face moved, she just continued glaring.

„Yeah, it's not funny anymore.“

The air stiffled around them as he probably realized how not amused Clarke was about the situation; she wasn't amused that he behaved like an ass and then acted like it was a joke, she wasn't amused by him not taking it seriously and she wasn't amused that he had just forgotten her, just like that.

„Ok, I'm sorry about that, too.“ She could see the muscles in his jaw flexing as he said the words. „You were loud, I couldn't sleep, I was pissed so I let it out,“ he added hesitantly after a moment.

A deep flush made its way up her cheeks as she tried to think of something to say. _Sorry I was loud because I was angry at you?_ It didn't seem like a valuable option. 

"Well, um sorry about that," Clarke told him, avoiding his gaze and clearing her throat. "Just don't do that. It reminded me of the Bellamy I first met in the hospital bed."

"Yeah, sorry again."

"I mean, if you brought home one of your girls, I wouldn't pull this kind of shit," she pressed further and seemed to hit a sore spot since a muscle in his jaw twitched sharply and the man in front of her frowned with an irritated look on his face.

"What?" he asked.

"I said if you brought -," she started but was quickly cut off by his rough voice.

"Yeah, I heard what you said but I don't know where you're coming from, Clarke."

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. What was so hard to understand about it? All she wanted to is to point out his immature behavior. "I'm just trying to say I would never do this if I were in your situation."

"Except you aren't," Bellamy shot back and folded his arms. "And you never were. I never brought anyone."

"Don't act like it's something you wouldn't do, Bellamy. I've been out with you and your friends, I've heard the way they always talk about Bellamy the womanizer, I've seen the way you flirt with -" she quickly shut her mouth before her jealousy would be any more obvious, instead she took a deep breath and tried to collect herself; this thing with Bellamy was draining her energy.

"And what? Flirt with chicks?" he demanded huskily.

"Yeah, _that_."

She could see his right fist clenching tightly which made the veins on his arm stand out pretty strong. He seemed to be angry, angry over a thing _he_ caused.

"So what if I do that? Since when is it a crime to flirt, especially coming from the person who just walked her one night stand to the door?"

"I never said it's a crime," Clarke snapped, anger rising in her chest now, too.

He ran his fingers through his hair as he looked up at the ceiling above him and then back at her. "It pretty sure sounded like it, though."

"Stop making this about something it isn't, Bellamy. _You_ started acting like a dick, remember?"

"Then stop blaming me for things I haven't even done," he exclaimed with his hands in the air as if it was _her_ whose behavior was resembling the one of a child.

Balling her own hands into a fist and straightening her stance, she fixed him with an angry look. "I wouldn't have to if you hadn't been an ass!"

"Then make sure you aren't so friggin loud next time, huh," Bellamy spat.

"Maybe you make sure to actually show up, how about that?"

He halted in confusion and the crease between his eyes widened. "I said I'm sorry," he said after a moment of crippling silence between them.

"Yeah, well, there's only so much words can do." Clarke was pretty sure the hurt in her words was impossibly obvious now but she didn't seem to care in that moment. So what if he knew how much it had actually meant to her? Perhaps then he would finally understand.

Bellamy gulped heavily before replying. "You know, I came looking for you at that bar yesterday," he told her with an unreadable expression; a flicker of something in his eyes that she wasn't able to pinpoint.

It was Clarke's turn to frown. "If you think saying this will make things better, it wont."

"I'm not trying to excuse myself," he muttered. "Just wanted to let you know that I _did_ come. You didn't answer any of my texts, didn't return my calls, I was worried."

"Well, you were too late." The regret in his eyes made her feel this feeling of disappointment all over again, but now she was disappointed in herself. If she had just waited a couple of more minutes before going out with Niylah, if she hadn't turned off her phone... maybe this situation could habe been avoided. But she hadn't, and now they were stuck _here_.

"Clearly."

 

* * *

 

She wished she could say that the fight that morning didn't change anything, that it had been just one of their stupid arguments with no depth behind it but she couldn't. Something in their relationship had shifted since then like one of them loaded a gun but didn't fire it, and now it was there, blatantly still between them and making every simple interaction painfully tense.

A month went by and it remained awkward; it felt like they rotated back to the beginning of their friendship: Bellamy was petulant, cold and careless, even if it was just the two of them alone, and Clarke couldn't keep taking his shit, she snapped back, became more and distant but her feelings never seemed to falter though. She hid them somewhere deep inside her, burying it along with other unpleasant emotions she tried to forget, however at the end of the day they kept swimming back to the surface when she came home and he didn't come out of his room to have dinner with her while a steadily growing ache flooded every cell of her body.

One particular night they were at the dropship with the others. Clarke wanted to keep it low that evening, she had come to the conclusion that getting wasted with a broken heart never did any good, _never_. So she opted to engage herself into a conversation with Octavia and Lincoln instead, catching up on the newest couple thing they had done that week. After a few minutes of discussing which gym in town was the best, she noticed Bellamy leaving the booth by himself and she couldn't help but watch with a heavy heart how he sat down at the bar and was immediately approached by some girl.

She was tall, brunette and she had long, skinny legs that made her look like a supermodel. Something inside her twisted as Clarke noticed the way his eyes wandered over the girl's body, the way he leaned in to whisper something into her ear and all the flirting that went down there. Suddenly she felt incredibly sick, both physically and mentally and she frantically tried to stifle any signs of a breakdown in front of everyone, so she told her friends that she didn't feel well (which was even true) and hurried home. Nobody didn't seem to care anyway.

Back at her apartment she threw up her lunch with so much force that her knees felt like pudding afterwards and she remained seated on the floor for what felt like hours. Eventually the radiant color of the bathroom made her feel even more sick so she staggered to her room and collapsed on the bed. Perhaps she had become truly sick, maybe she caught something at work but the doctor inside her doubted it; she suspected it was a final breakdown after weeks of stressing over her feelings for Bellamy and their currently strained relationship, his flirt with the hot girl at the bar appeared to be final straw.

Clarke was about to be lulled into sleep by the calm darkness surroundin her when she heard a noise , or more precisely _voices_ ; they were hushed, trying to be quiet but loud nonetheless since they also sounded a bit slurred. They were drunk. Her heartbeat speeding up to an unordinary speed, she listened as Bellamy and the person he was with laughed freely and then there was a sound off something falling over. The other person's voice was high and steamy, the girl he was with sounded eager to jump him.

Every second of hearing them felt like torture but the moment Clarke realized they had wandered into his bedroom, the silence became even more unbearable than the noises were. She only noticed that she was crying until the pillow, her head was resting on, was soaked with tears.

 

* * *

 

She wanted to be able to say that it got better with each time Bellamy brought a girl home and fucked her into the next morning. She wasn't.

 

* * *

 

It happened regulary and Clarke regretted what she had said weeks ago during that one fight. Maybe it had provoked him in some kind of way, maybe it was the reason why all of this started and she hadn't realized it until now. Regardless, there was nothing she could do but catch a glimpse or two of the girls that fled through the door every weekend and then not be able to look him in the eye anymore. His hoard of women piled up and soon she couldn't even remember any names besides two or three: Roma, Echo, Bree but the rest? Probably as unknow to her as they were to him.

 

* * *

 

 

Every morning after a nightout at the dropship she was prepared to see someone leave, however she was not prepared to encounter someone sitting at her table and have breakfast with him. Bellamy had one night stands with them without any complications, no strings attached, no feelings. They were all gone the morning after, except one morning, one of them wasn't.

 

* * *

 

Her name was Gina and she was nice, so nice that Clarke had found that she really liked her even though every single nerve in her body was setting itself on fire every time she saw the way the woman was looking at Bellamy, and even more importantly the way he was looking at her.

But she couldn't blame him, Gina was awesome. She was kind and witty, beautiful and she shared a lot of Bellamy's interests which made them the perfect couple, and that made her life some special form of miserable. It wasn't enough to hide feelings for someone who was now in a relationship, no, she also had to live with him every day and witness him and his girlfriend. 

By the time they hit the one moth mark Clarke was hoping that her feelings would fade away eventually, she couldn't pine after someone for the rest of her life, right? However, it seemed to get only worse with the time and the nights she fell asleep crying happened more and more often than she liked to admit.

One day Bellamy said something; something she hadn't even thought about for so long that when he pronounced it, it hit her like a truck.

„I think we should file our divorce.“

Clarke almost choked on her coffee and he had to slap her back a few times until she stopped coughing her lungs out. Her heartrate quickened rapidly as the sentece echoed through her head.

„What? Why?“

He tilted his head, leaning against the counter and taking his time to answer. „Well, through the book deal and all that I'm definitely able to afford the health insurance now, and that means I don't need yours anymore,“ he replied eventually.

It made sense, but she couldn't help but feel a hint of disappointment rise in her chest.

„So you don't need me anymore? Just like that,“ she snapped before rethinking her choice of words and realizing that it sounded slightly dramatic.

Bellamy frowned. „Yeah, I don't need your _insurance_ anymore.“

Clarke thought about it again, it _did_ make sense. She had known that this would happen someday, she had known from the moment she uttered those words to him. _I'll marry you_. And now their little arrangement was over, their marriage wasn't needed anymore because he could support himself which was a good thing, she kept reminding herself. But hell, what if that also meant that he would move out soon? That he would rent a place near the hospital since he was able to do that as of now?

"So I guess you want to move out, too?"

He seemed to be taken aback by her question telling by the confusion in his eyes but he showed his disapproval by shaking his head. "No! I mean - do _you_ want me to?" 

"No," answered Clarke far too quickly for her liking but sue her, she really fucking didn't want that to happen. Them living together was the only thing that kept them both from drifting apart and she was definitely not ready to give up on her friendship with Bellamy Blake. Even if he was seeing someone right now, even if she harbored treasured feelings deep inside her, even if it hurt to live with unrequited love she was simply not ready to let go. "I don't wan't that. Do you?"

"Didn't plan that either," Bellamy told her with his lips curling upwards into a half grin. 

A tremendous wave of relief washed over her, she was not losing him. Not yet.

"Good. Then let's get a divorce, I'll call the lawyer."

Nonetheless, these words left behind a bittersweet jolt of feelings on her tongue.

 

* * *

 

"Ketchup?" Gina asked, handing her a plate of the baked potatoes she had brought along. Cooking was another one of her perfect many abilities that Clarke didn't own and that Bellamy loved.

"She's the mayo kind of person actually," he interjected before she had the chance to answer and reached to his right where the sauce was standing to give it to her.

She wanted to laugh but ever since the brunette had showed up with food and wine to have their dinner date at their Apartment, Clarke had been feeling pretty uncomfortable and she was eager to escape this hellish situation, so she forced out a smile and nodded. "Thanks. I'll leave you guys alone now." Not wanting to endure a dinner with the man she loved and his girlfriend was reason enough, wasn't it?

"Stay," Bellamy suddenly said which made both of the women turn to him in surprise. "I mean, you don't have to eat alone y'know." His tone was a bit gruffier, hoarser now.

Clarke bit her lip as she glanced over him. She did miss him, and getting to have dinner and talk to him again would probably be nice after all this time even if it was with his girlfriend. However, it would be awkward - _she_ would be awkward because she didn't know how to act around him and them anymore, she had no idea how to communicate with someone properly without showing that she was head over feels for them, especially if their significant other was sitting right next to them.

It took her a few seconds but eventually she sighed in defeat, her heart won over her head yet again. "But no wine for me please, I have to get up early tomorrow."

It started out well enough, Gina asked her about her job at the hospital and in return she got to know what it was like to be a librarian. It was funny that even though she had met her one month ago, this was the first real conversation they had. Perhaps it had something to with the fact that Clarke tried to avoid the couple as soon as she saw them and disappear right away, but hey, who could blame her.

"So your mom is a doctor, too? Oh my god, that's cool," the brunette gushed excitedly after finding out that she had followed into her mother's foot steps.

"Saving people, diagnosing things, the family business, huh?"

Clarke tried to stifle a laugh, turning to her right to look at Bellamy who had just brought the line. "That was awful, Bellamy."

A small grin appeared on his face as he returned the look. "I thought it fit," he retorted.

"Not exactly the family business if my father's an engineer and not a surgeon."

"Hey, probably saving lives with the shit he does anyway." 

This time she didn't surpress her laughter and let it out, however covering her mouth after several moments of giggling when she noticed the way Gina was looking at both of them with this uncertain look because she probably had no idea what was going on. _This_ had been a running gag between them ever since they had watched supernatural together and noticed how full of shit it was. They really didn't like the show after season 5 but continued watching anyway because pointing out every problematic and stupid thing turned out to be kind of fun and that was why the started making references. „Yeah, well, I agree on this one, my family is definitely doing more good than the winchester bros.“

Gina frowned at first and then her face lit up in understanding. „Oh, you're talking about supernatural?“

She saw Bellamy nodding at her question as he took a bite of the potato. „Yeah, you know how I told you the show is horrible but well -“ he shrugged „- that's why it's so fun to watch,“ he said after having swallowed his food.

„I can see why you think that way. I mean, a show about two men saving the world? Applies to almost every other tv show out there,“ the brunette replied. „No offense, babe.“

„None taken.“ He reached to his left and tried to steal a cherry tomato of his girlfriend's plate because his were all gone which resulted in a fork fight between the two. Clarke had to look away from the awfully domestic scene and tried to pretend that it didn't bother her. In reality, her heart fell out of her chest all over again even though she had just been laughing happily with him a minute ago, but that was how it worked: she was just his friend and room mate and Gina, well, she was his girlfriend, his partner, his significant other, so she didn't have the right to be sad by that. Not if Bellamy was happy.

After their playful fight stopped, Gina nuzzled into his side and let out a content sigh. „No stealing anymore, mister, capiche?“ she said and raised her head to gaze at him, her expression showing that there was no real anger behind her sentence at all, just playful flirting and love.

 _Does she love him_ , Clarke wondered silently as she kept her eyes trained on a spot on the wall behind them. _They've been together for one month so does she actually, truly love him already? And does he?_ She knew that _she_ loved him, really loved him and perhaps it was not possible to love someone without ever having been with them but she was. She was because she had spent her last few months with him; seeing, talking to him every day, studying the galaxy of freckles on his skin, wondering what it would feel like to run her fingers through his messy hair, listening to his raspy voice in the morning.. It was the easiest thing ever to love Bellamy Blake that was for sure, so yeah, maybe Gina already loved him and maybe he loved her back.

One of them cleared their throat and she snapped out of her thoughts and glanced over the pair who were now sitting just side by side again, not touching and cuddling anymore. „So apparently your father works for the NASA?“....

* * *

 

 

 

One day Raven came over, and trust her best friend intuition to know what's up just by glancing at Clarke so the first question that came out of her mouth when she stepped into the apartment was:

„What's wrong?“

They hadn't seen each other in while therefore her best friend was not caught up regarding Bellamy, but then again Clarke had never even truly admitted her feelings for him, she just never denied them.

„Nothing,“ she lied and strolled into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine (she still tried to pull off her alcohol diet but having Raven over was an exception).

The brunette followed her with a frown and watched her take a delibaretily long sip. „Clarke babe, I can literally feel the depression seeping out of you.“

„What, did Luna teach you how to read auras now?“

As a response to her own raised eyebrow, her friend just reciprocated the expression and folded her arms. „I'm serious you look kind of... sad, and you're not even denying it! Did something happen?“ she asked and leaned on the kitchen bar before adding : „Trouble in paradise?“

Clarke's lips pressed into a thin line as she regarded the brunette. „There's no paradise,“ she said and reached for the glass but was stopped by Raven who was faster, snatching it out of her grip.

„Don't tell me you two are still playing the we-are-so-into-each-other-but-pretend-theres-nothing-there-game? Oh boy, I'm gonna need a bigger glass for this story.“

It was so strange to hear her saying with such confidence that Bellamy might have truly felt something for her but she simply couldn't be right. After all, if he had felt something for her, wouldn't this whole current situation be completely different? Wouldn't she be happy now?

„Raven, if Bellamy was into me, he wouldn't be out with his girlfriend right now.“ She really tried not to sound like the girl with a broken heart, but judging by the way her voice cracked ultimately, she gloriously failed.

The glass of wine that had been resting in her hand was immediately lowered, and her friend gasped. „Wait, are you kidding me right now?“

„Couldn't do that even if I wanted to.“

It felt like the air tremendously stiffled while the wheels in Raven's were turning and she put two and two together, suddenly Clarke felt a surge of emotions rising in her chest; a crap ton of feelings she had tried to push to the back of her mind that were suddenly all coming up to the surface when she saw the pity in her friend's eyes.

Balling her hands into fist, she attempted to stop any tears pooling in her eyes but when that didn't work, she simply grabbed the bottle and took a long chug. The alcohol replaced the urge to cry with a fiery burning in her throat and the sour taste of too much wine.

The whole time Raven had remained quiet, watching her with a worried look that made her feel so fucking – fragile and she hated feeling weak. „We don't have to talk about it,“ the latina said eventually.

She nodded but kept her gaze trained on the rug beneath her. „It's ok, I'll get over it.“

„You should come along to the ark with us this friday, with Luna and me. A little dancing, some drinking, should be fun, don't you think?“

„And be the fifth wheel? No, thanks.“

„We're not like that, we're a fun couple to be around – and a hot one,“ Raven smirked and urged on. „Come on, Griffin! It'll be like old times, when we were hoeing around in college, remember?“

Despite her best efforts a loud laugh slipped out of her mouth when she thought back to the times in college. „Those _are_ fun memories.“

„Of course they are,  _I'm_ in them, obviously.“

„But those times are gone, Ray. We're adults now,“ Clarke deadpanned, stilling when she suddenly heard the key turning in the lock and then the door being opened.

 _Bellamy?_  Raven mouthed across from her and she bobbed her head before Bellamy already came barging in, his movements somewhat more hastily than usual. He paused, though, when he saw the other woman sitting there.

„Oh, hey,“ he said. „Raven, right?“

„The one and only,“ the latina replied with a sly grin. Clarke, beside her, studied the way his right hand was pressed into a tight fist as the man approached them and the way his eyes seemed to dance across the room. He appeared to be distressed or something like that.

„Weren't you supposed to come home much later tonight?“ she asked him, turning her head to where he was standing now in front of the fridge. He closed it then, running his fingers through his hair before answering.

„Something came up.“

The tone of tension in his voice told her that something wasn't quite right, something was bothering him and that bothered her because she didn't like seeing him in distress. „Everything ok?“

Bellamy's gaze flickered to her and then to Raven, who had been watching the whole interaction, he sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter. „Yeah, everything's just peachy,“ he muttered. Apparently, he didn't even try to hide it. „Have you spoken to Octavia in the last two days?“

A crease formed between her eyebrows as she thought of the last time she talked to his sister which was approxiamtely a week ago when the two of them had been out in the city centre. „No, I haven't. Why?“

He shook his head, picking up an apple that had been lying around and started fidgeting with it instead of actually eating. „It's probably nothing -“ the fruit slipped out of his hands and fell down. „- I just couldn't reach her lately and I talked to Lincoln and -“ he shrugged languidely and reached down to pick it up. He didn't need to continue his sentence sincle Clarke already got the gist. He was worried.

„I can try to ring her up if you want.“ He nodded thankfully.

While she was dialing Octavia, she could basically hear Raven think out loud before her friend 'casually' asked: „Is this Octavia your girlfriend?“

If she wasn't busy right now, she would send her a few death stares just so she would stop talking but unfortunately it was already too late for that.

„Nah, my sister,“ she heard Bellamy answer and she swore that he frowned at the question.

„Oh,“ Raven said and took a sip of the wine before holding it out to the antsy man that was pacing around. „Here, it looks like you need it.“

„I'm fine,“ he grumbled even though all of his nervous fidgeting screamed otherwise. Octavia didn't answer so after she attempted to call her for the third time, Clarke gave up with a sigh.

„She's not picking up but I'm sure that she's just -“ she waved her hand through the air. „- I don't know, in the gym or something.“ Bellamy's expression didn't falter, though and neither did his strained shoulders. „You should really take on Raven's advice and get yourself a glass of wine. As your doctor, I strongly recommend it.“

The latina next to her scoffed and smirked smugly. „See, even the doc says so.“

Lifting his tired gaze to meet hers, Bellamy tried to roll his eyes but instead the barest hint of a smile appeared on his lips. „You're not my doctor,“ he mumbled but reached for the glass anyway.

„Well, then I say so as your lawful wife.“

„Not for long anymore, tho',“ he snorted and took a long sip. Clarke knew it was meant to be funny, however it hit a sore spot when she reminded herself that they were currently getting a divorce. Their marriage had no other meaning than tricking the US healthcare system, but it felt like something was going to be ripped away from her anyway.

„Right,“ she said, biting down on her teeth.

„You two getting a divorce?“ Raven all of sudden asked incredulously and threw her a shocked look. Clarke really should have informed her about all the things that had went down in the last two months.

„Yeah, he doesn't need my insurance anymore so why keep up the whole marriage thing,“ she replied and stole the glass of wine from Bellamy.

He had come to sit next to her on the kitchen counter, his close presence warming her up from the side. „It was just a piece of document anyway.“

Raven raised a surprised eyebrow at the choice of blatant words and she looked between the two of them. Clarke gulped and attempted a forced laugh to make it look like she agreed with him, that it didn't bother at all and that everything was fucking fine but her friend knew. Raven knew exactly what was hiding underneath the fake grin and insencere nod.

 

* * *

 

A week later, Clarke unfortunately agreed to go out with Raven and her girlfriend, however what she didn't expect was that the gang along with Bellamy and Gina decided to show up to the Ark that same exact night. Needless to say, her whole mood was sucked out of her body by the sheer sight of Bellamy murmuring things into his girlfriend's ear.

She tried to distract herself the whole night; having a few drinks too much (despite her attempted diet), dancing with attractive strangers and recreating her wildest nights with Raven and yet at the end of the night she still found herself shaking with the urge to cry when she casually turned around and saw Gina laughing into Bellamy's neck as his hands roamed her curvy body, and then him leaning down to kiss her, long and passionately.

Her hands were trembling as she gripped the sink and took a few breaths, doing her best not to let any tears fall whatsoever. She looked into the dirty mirror and saw perfectly styled curly hair, a sexy smoky eye and fiery lipstick on her face. Everything she did when she got ready for a night out with the goal to get more than one orgasm after the club or the bar. But right now, nothing felt right and all she wanted to do was to go home and sleep into the next year, sleep until a time would come that didn't involve having feellings for the guy that didn't want you.

After a few moments of getting her shit together Raven found her in the bathroom and fixed her with a concerned look.

„Do you want to go home?“

Clarke nodded slowly.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The divorce papers arrived in the mail the same day, Jasper and Monty threw a party at their place. She was very grateful for an excuse to get wasted.

(Clarke gave up on her diet).

She was approximately five drinks deep into the bash, already slightly buzzed, when someone proposed the brilliant idea of playing the drinking game 'never have i ever'. Normally, Clarke wouldn't be fond of this game since she usually ended up black out drunk at the end, but today she didn't mind the possibility of that. Perhaps she even wanted to carelessly enjoy her time without her thoughts eating her up for once.

The people that participated gathered in the living room, spreading on the couch, on the floor, or actually wherever they could find a place to sit.

Clarke ended up jammed between Raven, who was invited because the gang decided that she was cool after the night at the Ark, and Monty. The drink that someone mixed her, something along the lines of rum and cola, was sitting comfortably on the coffee table in front of her but she knew that it would soon be empty so she would have to take shots from the whiskey bottle next to it when it came down for it.

The first rounds consisted of the usual questions: sex, relationships and phrases like 'Never ever have I kissed someone of the same sex' whereupon a lot of the people just groaned and took their shot because seriously, girls were just too gorgeous not to kiss them.

It only started to get interesting when it was Murphy's turn. His gaze wandered around the crowded room, probably trying to find someone in particular he could expose and suddenly his eyes landed on her as a sly smirk started growing on his face. At first, she thought he looked at someone else but he wasn't so she gulped heavily and tried to remain calm. It was just Murphy, although he was a frequent member of their regular night outs, she didn't know him that well which meant he couldn't have any hot tea on her, either, right?

„Never have i ever...,“ he started and grinned mischievously as his eyes slid over her. „...had the hots for someone out of my circle of friends.“

She felt a deep blush rise on her cheeks as she blinked at him and the moment stretched, however he wasn't the only one observing her anymore as some of her other friends had noticed that she was his victim. Bellamy was among those people, his gaze resting on her with an intent force. She couldn't understand why he was interested.

 _Relax, Griffin,_ she thought and swallowed before reaching for the bottle of whiskey. _It could be anyone that you like, they don't know that it's the certain guy with freckles and messy hair who is sitting right across the room._ Perhaps it wouldn't have bothered her as much if it had been any of the other strangers that said it, however it was Murphy and she knew him well enough to recognize his silent challenge. Without attracting any more attention than there already was, she took a long chug of the whiskey bottle and put it back down with a hiss, the alcohol burning in her throat.

_Fuck what they think._

To Clarke's advantage she wasn't the only one who had ever crushed on one of her friends because a pretty decent number of people downed their shots, among them Monty and Miller (what a shock), Monroe and to her surprise Bellamy. Murphy smirked in victory like he knew exactly what went on her head but the others chose to focus on the two dorks Monty and Miller instead who were _still_ not together. She was simultaneously thankful not to be the subject of their talks and dumbfunded by the sheer idiocy of the two. The feelings between them were as abvious as an elephant in the room and yet the only thing they did was smile shyly and laugh it off.

She rolled her eyes and prepared herself for the next round.

„Never have I ever slept with someone in this room,“ Harper dared and playfully grinned at Bellamy who shook his head with annoyance and took his next shot.

Miller laughed and elbowed him. „I think the more interesting thing to say would be 'take a shot for every person you slept with in this room',“ he snickered whereat Bellamy jokingly flipped him off.

„Fuck off, Miller.“

As much as it intrigued her to know who these people were, Clarke had to think about her own past sex life and regretfully realized that she had to take the shot again. Looking at Raven with a laugh, she lifted her bottle. „To our past mistakes?“

Raven snorted and clinked her shot glass against it. „Cheers to that, Griffin.“

They both took the shot looking at each other which happened to catch Monty's eye. „Wait, did you guys...?“

„Since I only know all of you dorks for a week, yes, Monty, we did,“ her friend replied with a sheepish smirk that made Clarke burst with laughter.

„It was college, it was a very... interesting time,“ she offered grinning, after her laughter had slowly subdued.

Monty stared at them in shock and before she even noticed her other friends had also picked up on it. Murphy raised an eyebrow, Miller had a comical expression on his face and Bellamy just frowned funnily, but at this point of the party Clarke couldn't bring herself to care anymore. She was six drinks and four shots past that point now.

The game went on and at the end of it she found herself drunk as a lord, heavily leaning into the couch and laughing at a stupid joke by a guy named Sterling about Mary and exploding. It was just so funny because _where did she go after the explosion? Everywhere._

Raven, who was still sitting besides her, was talking to Jasper about something Clarke wasn't interested in following but al of a sudden she turned around, tapping her on the shoulder. "Hey, you okay there?"

She gave her friend a silly frown. Just because she was a little drunk it didn't mean that she had to be taken care off or be looked after. After all, she was a full grown adult who just wanted to have a little fun.

"Perfect, Ray, you don't have to worry 'bout me."

However the concern in her expression remained which made her wonder what it was that made her looking at her like this. So she turned around, looking over her shoulder and she finally understood the reason for the worry in her friend's eyes.

The pretty brunette Gina had apparently joined the party, she could see her walking across the hall straight into Bellamy's arms, who gave her a quick kiss as a greeting.

Gulping Clarke's face whipped back into Raven's direction. "'m fine," she mumbled quietly so that no one else besides them would notice the way her whole mood dropped in mere seconds.

The latina squinted at her, not really believing in her words but then again she probably figured that that was just how it was. It was a party, they were together so of course Gina would come, too, besides the woman was very nice and fun to be around anyway.

Clarke attempted to start a conversation with Harper and Monroe but her mind kept wandering back to the brunette that was somewhere with Bellamy right now. She had already wondered when she would come since she was pretty much always around when her boyfriend was, too, and the gang really liked her as far as she knew.

Sure enough she excused herself to refill her current drink but she didn't think that the two girls minded at all since she had been a shitty conversation partner anyway. Clarke went to the kitchen that was fairly empty since a lot of the people were already gone and the rest hanging around in the living room or on the balcony. She mustered the options of alcoholic beverages there, deciding to go for another round of whiskey because she figured mixing different kinds of alcohol would make her hate herself the next day. As she was pouring a little too much whiskey and far too little cola into her cup, a tall presence came to stand next to her. She didn't have to turn to know who it was, she could recognize his cologne and the radiating warmth anywhere.

"Having fun yet, princess?"

Clarke rolled her eyes and gave Bellamy a look. "Will ya ever stop usin' this stupid nickname?"

"Probably not," he laughed and leaned against the kitchen counter, his eyes traveling over her. "So you and Raven, huh?"

She had to think about it for a minute first before she realized what he was getting at. Right, pretty much everyone knew that Raven and her once had sex but oh well, there was too much alcohol in her system right now to care about that. "Yeah, it was a looong time ago and 'nly happened because we were completely shitfaced and heartbroken over samefrigginguy," she explained typsily, half laughing half hiccuping when she remembered the night and its consequences.

"Well, at least it didn't ruin anything and you're still friends." There was this tone in his voice that told her that he was genuinely impressed by it which she found absurdly funny.

"Yeah, we ain't gonna let a meaningless fuck destroy our whole damn friendship."

A comforting warmth spread through her body by gazinh at him. He looked insanely good today with his white shirt and the rolled up sleeves, the complete mess that was his hair only added to the good look and she would have lied if she said she didn't want to dive her hands into his curls and bring him closer so that - _Fuck Griffin, control your thoughts!_ she cursed herself silently because of her wandering mind.

"So you get crushes on ya friends, huh" she hastily mirrored his previous question, albeit a bit more slurred and cursed herself yet again after realizing what kind of inquiry it was. _Stupid, stupid, stupid_. It was personal, completely off topic and it was none off her business, not anymore! He was with Gina.

Bellamy tilted his head, a bit puzzled by the sudden question but he didn't look mad, instead he even smiled a little. "So do you apparently," he retorted with a raised brow.

"Sorry, shouldn'tof asked." Digging her fingernails into the plastic cup, she closed her eyes for a moment and then turned around to stagger over to the sink, pretending to want to wash her hand.

"Why not?"

Clarke halted for a moment, the cold water running over her fingers was the only thing that stopped her mind from clouding. "I dunno," she answered hesitantly a few seconds later. "You with Gina now.."

She could feel him shift behind her but she made no move whatsoever to turn around or stop washing her hands.

"I am," he reaffirmed, his voice low and husky.

Clarke turned around before she started babbling about the things that came to her mind without putting much thought into it:

"So I guess 's doesn't matter anymore I mean I was jus' asking because friends talk about things like this and we're friends so I just asked but - but yeah i's not important anymore."

Exhaling deeply, she stopped and looked at the floor, trying to avoid his gaze. She was drunk and rambling.  _God, you're so fucking embarrassing right now, Griffin._

"Yeah, 's what friends do."

Suddenly a wave of anger washed over her; anger because she was talking too much, anger because he kept looking at her like that which made her want to grab his face and kiss the ever loving fuck out of him, anger because she felt like she wasn't close to him anymore which was the reason why it had felt so wrong to ask the question.

"But we aint really friends anymore are we?" She just couldn't stop herself from saying these words, however it was the alcohol pulsing in her blood to blame.

His brows drew together as he stepped closer to her, regarsing her in confusion. "What? What are you talking about?"

Clarke took a deep breath. "I mean, we're just not close anymore I'm livin' my life and you doin' yours.."

"Clarke. You're drunk, you don't know what you're talking about."

"Do you remember the last time we did something together? Like really did somethin' and not just watched a friggin movie even though we haven't done that for a while now either!"

Bellamy opened his mouth to say something but the only thing that she heard was loud, strained silence.

"See?"

He made another step towards Clarke, her heart was beating wildly and threatened to jump out of her chest at any second.

"You're a resident at a hospital, Clarke and I'm working on my book that's going to be published soon. We're both busy, life's busy, that doesn't mean we're not friends anymore." His eyes were gouging holes into her soul and she almost fell exposed when she stared back because she knew exactly what he would find there. Anger, hurt, love.. That kind of love that made her want to explore every inch of his soul, spend whole nights just looking at him because he was Bellamy and she loved him.

But she couldn't.

Realizing that perhaps all of her emotions were too transparent, she abruptly spinned around, gripping the edge of the sink because right now she wasn't sure if her knees wouldn't just give in under her.

"I'm sorry," she quietly uttered before another hiccup escaper her throat. "I'm drunk and I donnow what I'm saying you right."

Bellamy scoffed behind her back, making a disgruntled noise of some sort. "You really say shit like this and then expect me to just drop it? Just like that?"

"Yes."

"Clarke -"

"No Bellamy you just said it yourrself: we're both busy people with busy lives and 'm friggin overreacting." Her knuckles were already turning white from the force she was holding on to the surface. More anger was taking over her body now, it was rising quickly and it left a sour taste on her tongue.

"I didn't say you were overreacting -" he halted and she could feel him searching for words. Without really expecting it his large hand suddenly landed on her shoulder, applying a firm pressure as he tried to make her turn around. "- I don't think you're over reacting, I just don't get how you can feel this way so talk to me, tell me why you think I'm not your friend anymore?"

Clarke let herself look at him again, she gazed into his eyes and only saw the sincere words that were coming out of his mouth reflecting there, but that made her even more livid because he was always this fucking nice human being with a pure heart, always so kind and caring and she hated that, she hated him for being like this. She wanted to have at least a reason to be mad at him and yet she had absolutely none, the only thing that she was angry at were her stupid feelings and the fact that they were slowly making her into a huge bitch.

"Why you're actually here Bellamy? Shouldn't you be drunk-fucking your girlfriend right now?" Clarke knew her words were pure venom since they tasted exactly like that when she rolled them on her tongue, and yet nothing could have prepared her for the look of hurt and betrayal in his eyes. The second after she had said it, she wanted to take them back, she wanted to erase the entire conversation that was happening right now.

Bellamy made a shaky step backwards and out of her personal space that he had previously invaded, his jaw was clenched tightly shut.

"Maybe you think our friendship is failing because you don't wanna be friends with me."

He was right in a twisted absurd kind of way because yes, she didn't want to be friends, she wanted to be more but he didn't know that which made all of this look like she was just a shitty person (and she kind of was). That only fueled the fire boiling in her clenched fists.

"'m really sorry that I'm such a fuckin' piece of shit friend Bellamy," she slurred loudly, swinging her arms widely as a dramatic gesture and knocking over several cups. Clarke let out a frustrated noise and kneeled down to clean up the mess she had just made. Bellamy wanted to help her, he held out a trash bin for her where she could dispose the fallen cups but all she did was slap it out of his hand and give him an annoyed look. "Don't need your help Bellamy."

"Come on, Clarke," he gently said, kneeling down with her. "You should go home, sleep it off and then we can talk."

Ultimately she just snapped. 

"Bellamy how many times do you wanna let me say it? leave just leave and go to Gina or whatever I dont give a fuck just leave me alone I dont need you hovering around me all time! I mean our friendship 's been dead since you started fucking every chick you saw and I dont need anymore of this shit you hear me? I dont wanna anymore."

"What -" he furrowed his eyebrows, he was always fucking frowning, why was he always doing that? "- please just let me bring you home and then I'll leave you."

"No."

"You're a freaking baby right now, do you know that?" Bellamy suddenly riled and Clarke was left speechless for a moment, her eyes widening. "First you start saying our friendship's dead even though you never even made an effort to do something about it and then you involve Gina in this, who has been nothing but nice to you always despite the face you pull when she's around and now you're starting to talk about some girls I've brought home once that have nothing to do with all of this. What's up with you lately?"

Whatever she had tried before to stop herself from crying, all of it didn't help jackshit now, because there were hot, angry tears streaming down her face as she pushed herself up and fixed him with shaky look. 

"Know what? You were right," she spat. "Maybe I don't wanna be your friend anymore so please go leave me the fuck alone."

"Fine, Clarke, clearly you don't need me in your life at all so I'll just piss off." He huffed furiously and gave her one last irritated look before turning and disappearing, leaving her completely and utterly alone in the kitchen.

It took her a couple of seconds to process everything that had just been said but when it seeped into her brain, it filled every fiber of her being with sorrow and regret but all she could do was stare blankly.

-

She didn't know what to expect when she entered her apartment after spending the night at Raven, having felt too embarrassed by herself to face him and suffering from a hangover worse than death, but she wasn't prepared for the sight of this emptiness.

Everything seemed to be the usual at first glance but Clarke could feel it, feel that something was missing so she check the first thing, that she knew of, that belonged to Bellamy. An old ruby chopping board he had brought along from his house with Octavia, it was really dusty and barely alive and yet this chopping board was the only one he ever used.

It was gone.

And she knew.

Bellamy left, too just like that.

Suddenly her phone started ringing and Clarke hastily wiped away the tears that were running down her cheeks.

Perhaps it was Bellamy who was calling her, perhaps it was all big misunderstanding and he had simply thrown that old thing away. Or, he was calling her to tell her that he didn't want to live with her anymore because she was a disguisting and selfish person.

She rummaged around in her bag until she finally got hold of her phone, gripping it with shaky hands.

However, it wasn't him, just her mom

Clarke thought about ignoring the call but then decided to take it. She needed to stay strong, get on with her life with or without Bellamy. It took her a few tries until she hit the green button and held it to her ear.

"Hey mom," she greeted wearily.

Before her mother even said a word, she heard a sniffle and a muffled sob that sent a chill down her spine and made her heart speed up twice its usual rate.

"Mom?"

"Clarke, honey, s-something happened. It's - It's your father."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sooo sorry for the wait!! But there was this huge ass wall facing called writers block and lets just say it was no fun :') and this chapter was a huge chunk and I'm pretty busy in general w exams and stuff and and and so yeah. 
> 
> Sorry to any spn lovers out there, I don't hate it but I do think there's quite a lot uhm problematic stuff and hey, I let out my frustration and pettiness through BC haha 
> 
> I'm sorry for all the angst but then again I'm not, I hoppe u enjoyed this trash as much as I did, and leave a comment to tell me what you think of it!! <3 I love you guys for commenting and telling me about ur opinions, it always makes my entire day :))))
> 
> (Next chapter in 1-2 weeks??)


	12. Letting go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so skip this note if you haven't watched 4x11 yet but I need to get something off my chest.
> 
> \----------------------------------------------
> 
> The episode left me sobbing and I thought it was just the combination of everything that went down but I've come to realize that Jasper's death had a huge impact on me.. i don't know how to describe it but Jasper was so fuckkng broken and yeah, he showed it, he didnt hide it, he was just real y'know and I strongly emphasized with him because I've dealt with depression, hell I'm still dealing with it right now, dealing with it every day and I know how it is to feel like him, what's it's like to lose faith and stop fighting. It fucking sucks, people get mad at you, they think you're lazy, annoying and whiney and it hurts and you try your best to get better but it just wont work. That's also how a lot of people viewed Jasper. They hated him for crying all the time, for hurting and they didnt like they way he dealt with his grief because they expected something else. But the truth is everybody deals differently with pain. Jasper gave up and succumbed under his depression. Clarke runs away and isolates herself. Bellamy lashes out and gets influenced easily by others. O' lashes out too, she hurts the people she loves and lets her darkness overcome her. Lexa stops caring. All of these are human emotions but Jasper got a special ton of shit for his 'irratic' behavior and now he's dead. By suicide. And i can't help to feel like the message behind this is, if you don't get better, this is the only way it ends. I know the 100 is a show where no character is safe, where people die and that's the way it is but I'm just heartbroken. I'm heartbroken over the way Jasper died. But I will never forget for the way he helped me feel less bad about myself. 
> 
> So even though this story is about Bellarke I'll do my best to deal with mental illnesses like depression or ptsd better than canon. Because yeah it fucking sucks but we can still heal and we can get better and suicide is not the only option or the only escape for us. THIS IS MY TRIBUTE TO JASPER JORDAN (2014-2017)!

_That day it felt like a part of her died._

Clarke was holding her breath, bracing herself for the impact of the words she was going to hear as her mother stammered apologies and some kind of explanations as to what happened but she didn't say _it_.

And she needed to hear those words in order to succumb under the heaviness of this world, to let herself break.

"Mom," she whispered, clutching the phone to her ear. "Is he - Is Dad dead?"

There was a long silence before the broken voice of her mother quietly answered "yes". 

So she let it in, let herself break piece by piece until she didn't feel time passing and the world turning anymore because it didn't matter to her.

Clarke had no idea how long she had been sitting on that damn couch staring off into space with dried tears on her cheeks but the sun was starting to set, the color of burnt orange splitting through the large windows. She thought she heard the door being opened and silent voices echoing across the apartment that didn't really reach her, or interest her for that matter. All she could do was gape at the white wall in front of her, beginning to see faces trapped in there.

The familiar structure of a face reappeared in the whiteness, a few catchy wrinkles at the top paired with a set of honey golden eyes that were crinkled from a soft smile. _Dad_ , she wanted to scream, yet nothing came out.

_Dad._

_Dad, what happened?_

A strong palm was shaking her now strongly but she was only able to look for _him_.

The firm pressure on her shoulder started to get more intrusive now, it was accompanied by a strong voice now and finally she snapped out of it.

"Clarke!?"

Her eyes ultimately left the wall and turned to the tall presence hovering above her. Bellamy.

"Clarke," he repeated, this time with less force in his voice as he was looking at her. "You okay?"

Her throat tied up into a bundle of dried saliva and wordless pain. No, she was not okay. Clarke faced away from him and let her eyes wander across the room. "My father died," she eventually said, her voice cracking at the end making her shudder. Saying it made her shudder. Saying it was terrible. Saying it made it so _real._

She heard him talk again, however not to her and that was when she realized they weren't even alone right now. Gina had watched her in her most vulnerable moment and all she could do was stare. Bellamy told her that she should go home or something and then he was there, kneeling in front of her, reaching out to take her hand.

Perhaps she wanted to be held by him, maybe some small part of was still clinging to him even in her darkest moments but she didn't let it, not anymore.

Clarke flinched away from his touch and hastily got up from the couch. "I need to pack," she informed him with a cold voice. "The funeral is next week."

 

* * *

 

Clarke sighed heavily as she leaned back into the seat of the airplane, she had a feeling her back wasn't going to like the next hour. Planes always made her feel so stuck, so hemmed in.

The woman next to her shifted slightly and the next second she could feel a warm hand grasping hers, squeezing gently.

She turned her head and gave Raven a small smile that probably looked put-on which wasn't really so wrong. It still said _thank you_ , _thank you for being here with me_ even though her lips didn't let the words out. Lately, talking was not one of her favorite activities.

Letting her eyelids fall closed, Clarke took a deep breath as the plane started rolling towards the track. She thought of all the things she had to get done when they would arrive in Washington; fixing herself up an appropriate funeral dress, preparing the list of guests that would attend, look after her mother... She wondered how her mom was doing since she didn't have a proper conversation with her after the initial phone call; she just couldn't bear talking about it over the phone. However, Clarke suspected that her mother wasn't in a good place right now. Yeah, she was a workaholic and definitely not always keen on sharing and caring, but her husband - the person she had loved the last two three decades had died. How could somebody not break a little?

The plane started speeding up and the force pressed Clarke into her seat and finally, they took off.

It was funny but once she had used to love flying because she always saw it like a roller coaster. The take-off, the landing, they let pigeons fly around her stomach and she usually squealed with excitement because of the adrenaline that kicked in.

Now she was flying to the funeral of her father and there was not a single nerve of jittery birds in her abdomen. Instead It was a big white nothing.

A muffled coughing made her open her eyes again and she saw the back of black curls turned towards her. While he was looking out of the window, his large hand was resting on his thigh, fidgeting.

"Have you ever flown before?"

Bellamy turned to her in surprise, probably puzzled by the fact that she was talking and actually the one to initiate the conversation. However, the astonishment quickly faded and a neutral expression replaced it. "First time now," he replied.

"Are you afraid?" Clarke wanted to know. Maybe hearing about someone else's dread would make her forget about her own.

"Nah." His intent gaze left her and he pressed back into his seat. "I was scared shitless by these big flying things as a kid because I didn't get how they were able to fly but it's not as bad as I thought."

She could hear Raven snicker beside her and chuckled faintly on her own.

"I always wanted to be the pilot."

Clarke's mouth twitched unfamiliarly as it curled upwards, the presence of her two friends made her heart beat a bit less painful but smiling almost felt like a foreign concept to her after the last couple of day where she had just been languishing in her room. Yet Bellamy had stayed the whole time, always by her side if she needed something, not pushing her to talk; he was just there and she was thankful for that. They didn't talk about the fight in the kitchen, he never mentioned it but then again there was not a lot of talking anyway. She assumed he was the one who called Raven because that day when she got the call, she just showed up and got into bed with her. Not talking. Not hugging her while she cried. Simply laying next to her and being there.

The next hour of the flight passed quickly, Clarke laid back and let her brain relax for a moment while barely following the episode of the big bang theory that was playing on the small screen in front of them. She heard Raven scoff a few times but mostly it stayed quiet and she was pretty sure Bellamy fell asleep somewhere after the takeoff.

The sight of Bellamy napping with his head leaned against the window, the calm expression on his face was almost too heart squeezing to wake him up but eventually she gently shook him awake and the three of them stalked off to the airport.

After fetching their luggage they took a cab to Clarke's house, another ride that passed without much noise but this time she could feel herself becoming more and more anxious as the car rolled into the street she had used to live in. Suddenly she was back home, glancing at the enormous, white mansion in front of her and feeling her heart sink to her knees because she was back home. And everything was different.

Memories of her father teaching her how to ride the bike, lazy barbecues with the Jahas and running into his arms after her first day of school flooded her brain as soon as she opened the door and stepped out of the car, recognizing the all too familiar smell of Washington air that she had found to detest in her last days here. Everything her gaze caught in that moment reminded her of something.

So many memories.

_Memories of her dad._

The anguish in her soul must have reflected in her eyes because a gentle palm landed on her shoulder, the well-known weight of Bellamy's hand squeezing her reassuringly.

„You can do this.“

Clarke had to swallow down a thick veil of fear and grief before nodding gravelly and walking up the porch to her house, her old house. The keys that she still owned were trembling slightly in her hand but it only slowed down the process of opening the door, not stopping her.

_I can do this._

By the time she managed to unlock it, Raven and Bellamy were already close behind her with the luggage in their hands.

Stepping in another wave of nostalgia washed over her but this time it hit even harder, drawing out a deep breath out of her.

Everything looked so normal but that was the thing.

It wasn't anymore.

„Clarke?“ came her mother's voice from the kitchen and suddenly she was wrapped up in her arms before she even had the time to see her properly. She held on tighter than she liked to admit. „Why didn't you call me when you arrived? I could've picked you guys up,“ her mom scolded her, slowly releasing her and mustering her from head to toe.

„It's fine mom, we got a cab.“ The truth was that she hadn't want to put her out without real necessity, she had feared that her state wouldn't be the best, or so she thought. When Clarke was looking at her now, she didn't even seem so bad beside the eye bags under her eyes.

„Well, that wouldn't have been necessary,“ Abby said and now her eyes traveled over the two people behind her, probably standing awkwardly in the corridor. „Raven, I'm glad you're here. You're also part of the family.“

The Latina gave her a sad smile and nodded before giving her a short hug. „I'm so sorry, Abby. Jake was like a father to me, too,“ she whispered quietly into her shoulder.

„We know.“ Her mother reciprocated the mournful smile and turned to Bellamy who had a gloomy expression tugging at his features. „And I assume you are Bellamy?“

„That's right, Bellamy Blake,“ he replied politely and held out his hand which Abby shook.

The pleasantries were exchanged, her mom gave them a minute so Clarke could show them their rooms or more precisely Bellamy's since Raven had been here plenty of times during semester breaks. Afterwards she made her way downstairs again, passing the happy family in framed pictures that was staring at her on the walls with a heavy heart. Mom was waiting in the living room.

And the look on both of their faces told them that this was it. No more postponing the talk or denying what the reality was. Eventually she had to hear about what had happened to her father, the first man she had ever loved in her life and the man who she would love until the end. Eventually she had to.

„How are you holding up, honey?“

Clarke considered the question and all the possible answers that shot through her head. _Not good, awful, my father is dead and I don't know how to accept that, just one inch away from breaking down and never going out again._ However, she settled for the usual „Fine“ since that seemed to be the most common and expected reply. After all, the truth was sometimes too ugly to bear.

„You can tell me now,“ she said, her voice trembling ever so slightly as she looked her mother in the eye.

The woman in front of her hesitated before finally gulping and starting to talk.

„Your father was on his way home when -“ she halted for a moment, her eyes darting down as she composed herself. „- when another car crashed into him. It was a drunk driver. He died six hours later in the OR.“

Every single words felt like a knife stabbed into her heart, twisting excruciatingly with every new word. Clarke hadn't even noticed that she was crying until a tear dropped on her hand and she sniffed loudly.

Her father died in a car accident, killed by another driver, gone in the hospital. The place her mom and her worked at, the place they both loved and respected. That was where her dad took his last breath and then stopped breathing altogether.

„He was in surgery?“

„Yes, he had a massive internal bleeding and punctured lungs, the doctors were trying to save him but – the bleeding was too strong, he lost too much blood.“

Clarke swallowed thickly, carefully choosing her next words.

„He was six hours in surgery a-and you only called me after he _died_?“ If that was right that meant there was a period of six hours in which she would have been able to fly here, get to the hospital, prepare herself for the possibility of him dying, perhaps even see him one last time. But she hadn't got the chance to do any of that.

„Clarke...,“ her mother started, shaking her head because she knew exactly what went on in her daughters head. She started getting angry, it was a common  stage of grief but she was channeling her anger on her mother and that probably didn't help either of them. „I only discovered your father was in surgery after hours and when I did, I didn't want to worry you. I thought I'd call you when – when it's finished.“

She had to look away because right now her emotions got a hold on her and it didn't look like they would loosen their grip any time soon. So she took a deep breath, tried to clear her mind and focus on anything other than the what ifs.

„The drunk driver?“ Clarke gritted out after a minute with hot, fresh tears pooling in her eyes.

„He died. Before the ambulance even arrived.“

She let out a breath and closed her eyes. Whatever it was that made her feel relieved right now, she knew it wasn't good. It wasn't good to be alleviated after finding out that someone died but it did make her feel better because now she wouldn't have to think of an unknown living face for the rest of her life, think of the cruel person that decided to risk someone else's life because of their irresponsible decision. They were dead, whoever it might have been and that made her feel better.

A tiny nod.

„Okay,“ Clarke stammered, empty tears rolling down her cheek. „Okay.“

Her mother enveloped her in another tight embrace, holding her until the tears died down and only the dry stain remained that they had left. It didn't fill the hole in her heart and she started to wonder if anything ever could.

 

-

 

_Remember that life is full of ups and downs. Without the downs,the ups would mean nothing._

That was the quote on some stupid poster that she had got out of some teenage magazin when she was sixteen. Back then Clarke thought it was super sage and deep, a quote to live by and pleasing to look at the way it was hanging on the wall next to her bed; large, white letters hovering in front of an image of a bright city during the day and during the night.

Now she just thought it looked stupid.

„Fuck your ups and downs, life,“ she muttered under her breath as she strode through her room and gripped an edge of the poster, ripping half of it down while the rest of it remained there. Untouched, altough the lower part was missing.

„Fuck all of it!“

Another part came down, this time only a tiny scrap of the poster stayed up there but this didn't bother her anymore since her attention was already on something else. A picture she had painted in grade nine.

It didn't belong here anymore because it was a painting she had brought home and showed her father. So why bother keeping it? Why bother keeping anything if the person you associated it with was dead?

It was hanging above her bed so that she had to climb onto it first before she could throw it out of the house or set it on fire or something but her room was dark, only the moonlight sending a trail of light through the window and her brain was thinking faster than her legs. She tripped over her own feet and landed nose first on the floor. It sent a loud thud through the place.

A whimpering noise escaped her throat, a mix between endless frustration and raging anger pulsing through her veins that made her want to punch something; rip off some poster, destroy some paintings. Anything other than letting the hole in her chest eat away at her.

Scrambling back to her feet again, there was a sudden knock on her door. Clarke frowned. It was the middle of the night, she had told her friends that she needed some time and she thought that had made it clear that she didn't want to see anybody. However, there was another knock. _Fucking persistent fucker you are_ , she thought.

"What?“ she barked, not making a move to open.

The door swung open and Bellamy came into sight. Of course, it was Bellamy.

 He gazed around the room, noticing the poster that was torn apart. "What are you doing?"

Clarke merely shrugged, getting back on her foot now. „Just some cleaning.“

His eyes wandered around until they landed on her, fixing her with a worried look.

„How are you?“

"How do you think I am?“ she snapped, her voice wavering with hot ire boiling in her blood.

„You tell me, Clarke, because I don't know what you're feeling right now and that worries me.“ He took a step into her direction which made her instinctively take a step back because it reminded her of the fight in the kitchen. _The fight_.

They hadn't talked about it yet but the words that were said that night were still there. She had said some horrible things, and even though she wished she could take them back, there was truth in them. Clarke was exhausted of not being able to be sincere with him, of thinking about every words she said to him and every little touch she felt; exhausted of this numb sadness sitting in her brain and telling her what to do; exhausted of the things life kept throwing at her, whilst the only thing she wished for was a tiny bit of happiness, Something to hold onto. Instead all she got were loose threads, giving in above her and letting her fall, fall fall fall.

„I feel -“ her eyes closed for a second while a lonely tears made its way down her face. „- I feel everything and nothind all at once, and I don't know how to deal with it anymore,“ she whispered shakily.

There was a deep sigh and a look of understanding on his face. „I know what you're going through, I've been there and fuck, it sucks I know but Clarke – don't distance yourself. We're all here. Raven, your mom and me. We're all here.“

But she didn't understand why he was here, why he was even helping her after everything she had thrown at him.

„Why did you stay, Bellamy?“

He furrowed his brows. „What are you talking about?“

„I thought you left,“ Clarke admitted quietly and suddenly it all became too much. Everything that she had previously channeled into her anger came crashing down on her like the heaviness of the world, like she was drowning in it. It sucked the air out of her lungs, pulled away the strength in her legs and sent her sliding down the wall, sinking to her knees with tears spilling from her eyes.

It was pathetic, really, crying her heart out in front of Bellamy because she was the one who was actually supposed to apologize. Instead, every last nerve of strength she had was falling to pieces and all she could do was simply let it out.

„I didn't, I'm here,“ she heard him murmur but the sea of tears she was drowning in didn't let her see straight anymore. The only thing she could make out were the dark messy curls on his head that she adored with all of her heart. „I'm right here.“

Her left hand came up to wipe at her eyes, however it didn't really help. „You shouldn't be,“ she fiercely said shaking her head. „I'm not a good friend, I fuck up. Every. Time.“

Bellamy reached out and took the hand that was trembling terribly by her side, squeezing it with the gentleness of a friend but with the firm grip of a lover. „We all do things we regret sooner or later. You're human, Clarke.“

„Then why do I still feel like what I said was the truth?“

She was almost certain he would pull back, that this time it would push him away for good because she could only fuck up so many times and not lose him eventually. However nothing changed. He remained exactly where he was, holding her hand and looking at her with that look, that look that would usually send her stomach on a rollercoaster. Now it just left a bitter taste in her mouth because the thing she wanted from him, she wouldn't get. They were too far gone now, fucked up too many times and he loved someone else. Someone who wasn't her.

„I don't know why you feel the way you do but I know that we can get through it, _together_.“ What did change were the emotions in his eyes because now there was a flicker of uncertainity, confusion even and not just the devotion and determination that was there before.

Perhaps it was all the stress that was seeping through her blood or some chemical reactions that caused her to say the following words.

„I know,“ she numbly told him. „I know why I feel this way.“

It was the closest thing she ever said to him that hinted at her feelings, at the love for him she experienced in her body, and it was almost too much. Too genuine. Too fragile.

Clarke saw it in his face, the slow realization of what it was impyling and she felt in the way his touch seemed to tighten around her skin. What it meant, she had no idea and she wasn't even sure she wanted to because everything was already crumbling around her, this final dispute would break her.

„My father is dead, Bellamy,“ she whispered, voice almost giving in before the tears started falling again but this time it came harder and more brutal. „He is dead,“ she repeated and then a guttural sob pierced through the silence in the darkened room, letting her fall into the endless pit of despair. The first couple of breaths were the hardest, the heavy pressure on her chest making it unbelievably difficult to breathe as the phrase rang through her head. _My father is dead._ The force of the realization cut off her airway and left her gasping for air. _My father is dead. I fuck up everything I love. I'm toxic._

The world seemed to pass in a blurry haze, only downgrading realizations dancing in front of, while her entire state of mind collapsed inside of her leaving her to incoherent cries and ragged sounds of breath. He was right there, catching her before she reached the bottom of the pit. And he held her, pulled her into his entire being and let her melt into his calm presence, surrounding her with warmth and something to hold onto while she was shattering into tiny fragments.

Bellamy was there, like always, and she loved him so much for it.

Clarke was still completely buried in his arms when her sobs steadied and her chest eventually stopped shaking with utter force of agony. His hands were draped around her, his lips still murmuring calming words into her hair. She hadn't properly heard what he was saying but the mere sound of his voice already managed to stop her heart from imploding with all the pain.

The whimpering noises died all the way down and she didn't know if it was because of Bellamy or because there were no more fluids left in her body, not that it really mattered.

Clarke took a last breath that matched with the rise of his chest and then she slowly untangled herself from his arms that had been strongly protecting her.

„Thank you, Bellamy,“ she said quietly, looking him in the eye from a not so far distance.

He gave her a hasty nod like it was self-evident but it wasn't for her. _He_ wasn't for her.

„Really, thank you. I -“ her mouth was left hanging open as she searched for the right words. „- I was so unfair that night at the party and yet you're still here. You came with me. Thank you for that.“

„Clarke, your father died three days ago, of course I came.“ Bellamy's gaze left her and remained on the ground. „We've had our rough patch but it's nothing we can't fix.“

She gulped, knowing that her feelings were the cause for all the fighting and tension going on. If she had just... loved him as a friend and not something more. But she nodded anyway, not letting the inner turmoil show.

„You're right.“

Pulling back and rising to his feet, he held out a hand to her. „C'mon, get some rest now.“

Rest. That was what she needed before the funeral. He was right, she needed a good night sleep after the last few days that didn't allow her to close her eyes without seeing the dead corpse of her father in front of her.

Clarke let him help her pull herself up and suddenly they were unbearably close again, her breath catching in her throat as the sharp scent of his cologne seeped into her bloodstream. „I guess that's for the best right now.“

However when she looked to her right at the empty bed and the small framed picture of her and her father at her graduation on the nightstand, a thick knot of anxiety bundled up in her throat. „I dont know if I can sleep here, though,“ she admitted after a second of pondering over the scenarios in her head. „It's too much – Everything here reminds me of him.“

He gave her a sympathetic nod, understanding showing in his eyes. „Do you wanna sleep somewhere else?“

Biting her lip, she nodded frantically. Quite frankly, she was happy to get out of this room because it was just too much to bear at this moment. Too much that had changed to sleep in her old bed like everything was normal. „Please.“

Bellamy opened the door and held it open for her, gently laying his hand on her back as she left her old room, guiding her carefully like she was about to break and crack into a thousand of fragments. Maybe she was. His reassuring touch made her feel slightly better but it didn't help when she hopelessly gaped at the corridor of her house and realized that there was not a single room that didn't have memories of her father.

They used to watch the spiderman movies together in the living room, huddled up on the couch with chips and beer.

The beige couch in their small libary room reminded her of the times she spent her days there, studying for finals and her father bringing her a glass of water because 'that smart brain of yours needs hydration, sweetie'.

Her own room, her mom's room, the kitchen... everything was attached to vivid recollections of a seemingly happy life that she once had. And now? Now her father was dead.

Clarke didn't move, standing motionless and frozen in the middle of the hallway.

„Maybe I won't sleep tonight after all.“

„Clarke -“

„Everything in this house is filled with memories of my dead father, Bellamy. I wouldn't be able sleep even if I wanted to because I know the second I close my eyes it will all crash down on me. Every single thing he said and did here. Every little thing.“ She shook her head wearily, closing her eyes. „I can't do this all over again.“

„What about the guestrooms? I don't think your family spent a lot of time in there, right?“

She shrugged carelessly, not understanding what he was getting at. „What? Yeah, no, but Raven's probably already sleeping and I don't wanna wake her up.“

There was a moment of hesitation in his eyes, a nervous flicker of uncertainity.

„ _I_ am not sleeping. Just crash in my room.“

 Her surprised gaze landed on him, Clarke frowned as she thought about it. "I suppose that would actually work."

And it did, the second she entered the guest room Bellamy was sleeping in, his cologne and his natural scent washed over her but the room itself didn't hold any spectacular memories. She wasn't even sure if she had been in here more than three times in her entire lifetime. It was simply decorated with a middle sized bed standing in the centre, a small nightstand next to it and a brown closet on the right side. It almost felt like she was a guest in her own home when she looked around.

"I think this will actually help a little," Clarke said, walking over to the bed and pulling the covers down so that she could slip in. It wasn't as comfortable as the kingsized bed back in her apartment but it did it's job just fine. 

"Good." Bellamy was hovering awkwardly around the door, not really making a move to get in the bed himself. "Right, I'll just crash on the couch. Night, Clarke."

Her brows furrowed as she sat up. "Wait! You know you can stay, right? I don't wanna steal your room, Bellamy."

He regarded her with a look of unease and it hit her that he was probably uncomfortable sharing a bed with her because he didn't like being that close to her. He was probably tired as hell and now she was here, in his bed, taking it away from him.

"Fuck, sorry," she muttered, already shifting to get up and leave again. "You don't want - you don't - I should just go back to my room and not whine about my stupid issues."

"Clarke," he started with his usual voice, the mix of pity and stubbornness. 

"No, it's okay but the couch is not a good sleeping option. You'll crane your neck and I really shouldn't make such a fuss about sleeping in my room just because of a couple of pictures and -" her hands were motioning wildly around the room as she got out of the bed when Bellamy crossed the distance and gently shoved her back. 

"Just go to sleep, Clarke."

"But you -"

"I'll sleep in this freaking bed and my neck will be okay and just get some rest, princess," he told her with an eye roll as he sat down on the other edge of the bed and started stripping down. 

All of her words died in her throat and she quickly slipped back under the covers, trying not to notice his bare back out of the corner of her eye. 

When he eventually got under the covers, too, a heavy silence settled over them and Clarke started feeling another forceful emotion tugging at her conscience. Guilt.

She felt guilty because she was in the same bed as him even though his girlfriend was waiting for him to come home thousands of miles away. Of course, it was nothing, all they did was share a bed and yet it felt like something more to her. Something important. 

Clarke blinked in the darkness and sighed quietly. Even though this room didn't evoke painful memories of her father, it still didn't let her sleep peacefully despite the fatigue that was running through her bones and showing in her eyebags. 

"You still can't sleep, can't you?"

His voice was raspy in the silence of the night, even hoarser than his usual way of speaking. 

"Apparently not," she admitted with a loud gulp and then shifted in the bed so that she was lying on her side, her elbow tucked under a pillow, facing Bellamy. 

The moon that was shining through the window illuminated his face, even now in the darkness the galaxy of freckles on his skin was visible. 

"Did you try counting sheep?" he asked but the amused tone in his voice suggested that this was not a serious question.

Clarke almost smiled at that, her mouth curving up at the corners. "That never helped me fall asleep."

The bed squeaked a bit when Bellamy looked at her from the side and eventually changed his position, too, mirroring her now. 

"So what did?"

"I don't know. Talking? I usually texted Wells or some friends and forced them to entertain me until I got too tired and fell asleep on the phone."

He chuckled raspily, giving her an amused look. "I guess that's why you wanted me to stay here?"

Covering the laugh that came out with her hand, she bobbed her head. "You got me here, Bellamy."

"So," he said after a minute of comfortable silence. "How do you wish to be entertained, princess?"

Clarke glanced at him before speaking, gauging if it was appropriate to ask for.

"Tell me about your mom."

Bellamy's eyes flickered to her in unexpected surprise, lingering there. As the seconds stretched out between, she started to regret the ask and wanted to apologize when he spoke again.

"She was tall and brunette, long hair and all that. Just like O' right now. Her name was Aurora."

"That's a beautiful name," she said.

"Yeah, Octavia always thought that she was the sleeping beauty princess as a kid and that her father was the prince who would come back someday and save us all."

Clarke raised her brow in silent question and he understood.

"He never did. Anyway, our mom was loving but in a strict way and she didn't show it as much as O' wanted it, but she loved us. She worked day and night to keep us sated and -" his voice died down for a moment. "She was so strong and full of wisdom and stories."

"She sounds like she was a good person."

Of course, she knew that being a good person didn't meant that you never did bad things. She remembered that Bellamy told her once that Aurora used to leave them on their own for days and she knew that Bellamy basically had to take on full responsibility for his sister, not being able to live out his youth. However as awful as the things sounded, deep down Aurora had probably done them out of love for her kids. 

"Yeah," Bellamy replied, voice somewhat tense. "What about your father?"

"My dad?" 

He simply nodded.

Clarke had to swallow before she thought about which thing she would tell him first. Her father was just such an inspiring and important person to her that she didn't know where to start. 

"Well, his name was Jake Griffin," she began and let her eyes fix on a spot between them instead of looking at him. "My dad was... so kind. He always made sure that everyone else was happy before he took care of himself. He loved his job but he loved his family even more, even though mom was sometimes working to much and I, _well_ , I went through my teenager phase at some point. He never made me feel invalid or stupid, I could always count on his support."

"That must have been nice."

"It was," Clarke whispered, and shook her head. "And - and I just can't belive that he is just gone."

"I know the stage, it feels like you'll never quite understand how one person can be just here one moment and the next they are gone," Bellamy said softly, lifting his hand to stroke over her hair. "And the truth is that maybe you'll never truly understand or recover from it but it will get easier to breathe someday."

She didn't cry this time, perhaps because there was nothing left inside, but his words helped to ease the pressure inside her chest when she thought about the fact that her dad was ... gone. Leaning into his touch, she looked at him questiongly. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, it'll get better," he murmured, gently caressing the spot under her eyebrows, the touch sending a warm calm through her. 

"Okay." Clarke inhaled and closer her eyes again, still enjoying the feeling of Bellamy's fingertips against her skin as the darkness slowly pulled her in and lulled her into a deep sleep, her fatigue finally getting a hold of her. 

 

-

 

She woke up to an empty spot next to her, sighing heavily when she thought about the day awaiting. The funeral dress had to be bought and a few calls had to be made, although she had learned the day before that her mom had already mostly organized everything. Maybe the straight-back-to-work attitude helped her cope, Clarke had no idea. However even the little chores that she had to do made her want to go back to sleep, she didn't know if she was ready to spend hours in the shopping mall looking for a dress that she would wear at the funeral of her dad. It felt wrong and absurd and it almost made her sick. 

The door suddenly opened and Raven's face appeared in front of it. "Get up sleepy head," the latina greeted with a small grin on her face.

"I'm coming," Clarke grumbled, getting out of bed when the door closed again. She wondered how her friend had known that she spent her night in Bellamy's bed rather than her own but then again it didn't really matter. After all, all they did was share their sleeping space and in the morning he was already gone. 

After washing her face and brushing her teeth, she made her way downstairs, entering the kitchen to find her mom along with her two best friends having breakfast and chatting politely. 

"How did you sleep?" her mom asked her when she joined the table and mustered the pancakes that were sitting at the center of the table. 

"Better than the last few days." She reached for the coffee pot and pouref herself a cup, realizing that her stomach would rather eat itself than touch anything edible right now. 

Her mother gave her look when she made no attempt to eat anything but Clarke just shrugged. 

"I'll be at the hospital today so I won't be here for you guys but if there's anything you need you can call me, Clarke. If you get hungry you can call Martyna and -"

"You're already going back to work?"

The air stiffled around them and she could see Bellamy and Raven carefully watching her. Her mother frowned at her and acted irritated.

"Clarke, I'm the chief and the hospital doesn't stop running just because...," she trailed off as the words were left hanging the air.

"Just because your husband died?" the blonde finished and raised her brows in a silent challenge.

She didn't get an answer back, however that didn't bother her at all, she didn't want to be sitting here at the table anyway. 

Standing up and pushing her chair back, Clarke muttered some excuse about needing fresh air and then stormed off into their garden where she sank down on a garden stool. What bothered her was her mom's indifference towards all of this because it felt like she was the only one grieving in the house. Sure Bellamy and Raven were probably sad about it, too but they didn't live with him for eighteen years. They didn't lose their father. Her mother and her did and yet it felt like it was only her.

The sound of a door closing startled her out of her thoughts and she looked up to find Raven lingering there with her arms crossed. 

"Let me guess, you're here to tell me that I shouldn't be so hard on her?"

The brunette scoffed before getting seated next to her. "I wanted to tell you not to punish your mom for something she can't control but you pretty much got the point."

"I know she's like that, the going straight back to work kind of woman but," she sighed and let her face drop into her hands. "I mean her husband is dead. How can she just be fine?"

"Maybe she isn't," Raven offered and squeezed her shoulder at which Clarke looked up again. "I think that's her way with dealing things, by distraction, but deep down she is fucking heartbroken and you know it."

She nodded, biting down on her teerh and huffing out a humorless laugh. "I thought we could be there for eachother and what does she do? Go to work."

"You can be there for her, tomorrow. She'll need you."

All the stress and overwhelming emotions made Clarke crave for some relaxation, something that could let her let some steam off and that's when an idea struck her. 

"Where's Bellamy?"

Raven frowned comically. "Probably talking to your mom, why?"

Clarke gave her a surpised look, furrowing her brows. "Like polite small talk or actual talking?"

"Actual talking, I'm pretty sure they get along pretty well," her friend answered and it made her even more frown. 

"How the hell did that happen," she mumbled under her breath as she stood up. "Anyway let's go get him because I'm sick of being stuck in my miserable mood."

Raven still heard the comment and she didn't let it go. "Well, your mom and Bellamy do have one main thing in common: loving you."

It made her halt for a second, look at Raven biting her lip but she didn't say anything. After all, what could she even say?

-

"Are you really sure you wanna do this now?"

"Relax, it's exactly the time I wanna be doing this, Bellamy," Clarke muttered while she was bent over the table rolling a joint.

The idea to smoke one came to her when she was sitting in the garden with Raven and it reminded her of the old times when they used to come back here during semester breaks and smoke a joint as they watched the sky turning a lilac red. So she checked her room and sure enough she still had some stuff stacked from the last time she was here. It wasn't much but enough for three people for sure. 

The jay was finally ready and she put it in her mouth, lighting it with her clipper and coughing a bit after the first drag.

"Geez, this makes me too nostalgic," Raven said, cuddled into the armchair as she peered off into the distance. 

Clarke nodded along as she took another hit, letting the drug flow through her system. It wasn't enough to get properly high but enough to relax a bit and that certainly worked after a couple of moment. 

"Here." She passed the joint to Bellamy who was sitting next to her on the small white couch. They were sitting on the balcony that ranked over the huge, green garden and showed off a mesmerizing skyline in the far distance. It was truly a beautiful sigh but nothing she couldn't live without. 

The man next to her took a long drag, blowing out the smoke into the warm but windy air. May was coming to an end and the days started to get warmer with each day but Washington was in the nord so it was always a bit colder than in Raleigh. 

"I don't want to buy that dress."

Bellamy looked at her from his side, ashered the jay in the litter and passed it to Raven. "What dress?"

"The one for the funeral," she replied with a gulp, closing her eyes for a moment and massaging her temples. She felt more at ease now, her emotions not circling through her brain for once but the days ahead of her still made her frown.

"We'll make it quick," Raven promised and gave her an encouraging smile while the joint was sitting in her hand. "First we chill, then we work."

"You two doing this often?" Bellamy wanted to know.

She looked at him, mustering the lone curl that was hanging loose in front of his face. "Not anymore."

"We kind of switched to wine after a couple of years but I can't deny that there were weeks where we this was a daily thing," the brunette remembered with a dreamy smile on her face.

"God, the times after Finn," Clarke agreed and a burst of laughter escaped her throat when she thought back of the first days of her friendship with Raven; always stoned, every weekend was spent black out drunk with a stranger and the rest she didn't even remember because it were such wild times.

"You're even worse than Monty and Jasper." Bellamy shook his head but nevertheless accepted the joint when it was his turn again.

"Hey, I doubt that you never participated in their regulary stoner parties, Bellamy."

He huffed out a laugh but his eyes escaped her gaze, firmly fixing on the floor. Something told her that there was more behind this look but she postponed the thought for later, instead trying to enjoy the calm in her mind. 

They hung out for another hour at the house, eventually shuffling downstairs to grab a snack because of their munchies but when it started getting late Clarke and Raven ultimately had to go the shopping mall. Bellamy stayed at the house and the two friends took a car to the centre. To her enjoyment, Clarke didn't have to look for long. She found a black plain dress in the second shop  they entered which made their stay not any longer than necessary. On their way back they grabbed take out from Mr. Chou and drove back home where they spread in the living room, cuddled together watching reruns of friends. 

The circumstances weren't good, the house still felt empty and different without the loving presence of her father but Clarke was all the more happy and grateful to be surrounded by her best friends. 

-

Jake Griffin was burried on a sunny day. The sun was splitting the light through the trees, the shapes it made were warmer, brighter than the rest what of what came through and for a split second if she closed her eyes firm enough, it felt like a regular day.

The memorial service was long and beatiful with all kinds of people attending that mourned the death of her father but she only cared for a few people's presence; her most beloved ones were there, by her side, and that was enough.

She managed not to shed a tear while the pastor was speaking, only numbly gaping at the closed casket on the podest and listening to all the nice things people had to say about him. Her mom's eulogy was short but heartbreakingly tender. The strong facade only broke down when Wells came up to her after the service and wrapped her up in a tight hug, her sobs piercing through the silence in the church. Her cries were not beautiful, nor poetic in some kind of way, they were hot tears that didn't seem to stop, that was all they were.

For the rest of the burial she tried to compose herself, holding in her sorrow standing next to her mother. But it was hard to watch her father, that she had so dearly loved, being lowered into the ground. When the pastor was finishing the last prayer before everything – all of it was over, Bellamy came to stand next to; silently taking her hand into his and squeezing it. It didn't take the pressure of her chest but it did help her to breathe more lightly.

Along with her mother and Wells Clarke sprinkled the dirt on the casket, gradually letting the soil slip through her fingers as she watched a part of her life disappear into mother earth like a broken limb returning to it's home.

-

She was tired and ready to fly home but beforehand she had to talk with her mother because Clarke already lost one parent this week and she was not ready to lose another.

Her mom was in the office, her father's office, stiffly sitting in one of the armchairs. There was a photo of the three of them on the table, one that was taken eight years ago when they had been on vacation in Swiss. Clarke was in the middle, grinning stupidly at the camera while both of her parents were hugging her from the side. She remembered that she was happy in that moment.

„Mom,“ she said softly, walking over to her and letting her hand drop on her shoulder.

Her mother looked up with a sad smile on her lips and suddenly it became clear to her that this was it, this was the moment she let it in, too.

„Mom.“ Clarke gulped as she kneeled down next to her. „I'm sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I – I was confused and sad but I shouldn't have let it out on you. I know that you're going through the same as me and everyone else.“

A tear rolled down Abby's cheek, suddenly making her seem older. „You're already so grown up, honey,“ she murmured and pulled her daughter into a hug. „I miss him so much, Clarke.“

„I know,“ she whispered into her hair as a whimpering noise came out of her mother's throat. „I miss him, too.“

The moment of breakdown didn't last for long but Clarke thought that it still helped both of them heal; even just a tiny little bit.

„When are you leaving?“ her mom asked as she untangled herself from her daughter's arms but still held her closely.

„Tomorrow morning.“

„I'll drive you to the airport this time.“

„Okay.“ She gave her a weak smile.

Her mother looked pleased to get to do that, releasing a tired smile. „I'm glad that you have friends who love and support you as much as Raven and Bellamy, Clarke.“

„I know, I got lucky with these two,“ Clarke said and squeezed her mom's side.

Abby recopricated the smile and hugged her daughter again. „Bellamy reminds me of your father when we were young," she told her daughter quietly. 

Clarke squeezed her eyes shut in bittersweet ache.

Her heart almost suffocated under the pressure it received hearing this sentence but it hurt in a good way. It was bearable because yeah, it would be okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter was supposed to include the next one too but that way it would have been 15k words and I really didn't want to do that to you guys. I hope the end wasn't too abrupt since it wasn't supposed to be an actual chapter ending :D
> 
> Anyway because the next chapter is basically ready (just some editing to do) and both of them are connected, it will be probably up in a few days IN TIME FOR THE FINALE WHICH I AM SO NOT READY FOR BECAUSE IT WILL PROBABLY RIP MY HEART INTO PIECES :( but thats what fanfiction is for lol
> 
> Leave me some comments and tell me what you think <3


	13. You got me crystalised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some tissues after that soul crushing finale (:

They were driven back to the airport by her mom, this time Wells among them on the trip. Back at home she didn't know what to with herself first, it felt like just going on with her daily life was unfair because it wasn't normal anymore but Clarke knew that she had to if she ever wanted to heal. So she went back to work, back to seeing patients every day and trying to make life a little bit better by helping others on a regular base. Sometimes she even forgot for a few hours that she was a daughter without a father, on some days it didn't leave her mind.

Bellamy didn't move out, although it felt like it because he never seemed to be home anymore; going over his book with his agent or spending time with Gina at her place. Despite the lack of his presence they grew a bit closer again, perhaps it was also due the fact that she attempted to not pick any fights anymore because losing him would be too much.

She started calling her friends more often, texting them daily because she had realized that those people weren't granted and that at any second of the day they could be taken away from her without her being able to say goodbye to them. Wells became a part of her life again and it made her unbelievably happy. Raven was Raven and remained the best person to empty two bottles of wine with on a Friday night.

Everything seemed to gradually fall together again, slowly but surely.

 

* * *

 

After a couple of weeks Clarke finally felt ready to mingle with the crowd again, she showed up to the dropship with Raven by her side and a tight smile on her lips. The gang consisting of Octavia, Jasper, Monty, Miller and Murphy was happy to see them and in her interest there were no comments made about her absence. Octavia and her ordered the moonshine premium drink while the rest stuck to their usual beer, the two of them slowly starting getting buzzed and eventually disappearing on the dance floor for a while. Everything seemed like the usual: Monty and Miller were still undeniably in love but stupid, Murphy his ordinary sarcastic self and Jasper still crushing on the cute bartender Maya. Admittedly, Octavia seemed a little more eager to drink that night.

After swinging her hips for what felt like hours Clarke started to get a bit worn down and she had to pee so she grabbed Octavia by the arm to catch her and to shout into her ear about needing to go to the restroom.

„Oh, that's a very good idea,“ the girl squealed back and proceeded to guide her through to crowd on the way to the bathroom.

When they were standing side by side washing their hands and humming along to the song that was playing the door opened and Raven came barging in, halting as she shook her hand in confusion. „Weren't you just twerking to work, _like_ , three seconds ago?“

„We weren't twerking,“ Clarke protested with a laugh and covered the blush on her face because maybe, they were indeed trying to do this twerking thing.

„Yeah, it's called freestyle dancing baby! Wohoo!“ Octavia cheered loudly, pumping a fist in the air and moving her hips to the beat of the song.

„Whatever,“ Raven mumbled with a sigh while she was washing her hands. „You two are the speedy gonzalez version of dancing queens.“

„A propos dancing queen guys,“ the youngest girl happily interjected and looked at them with glassy eyes and a sloppy smile. „Jas' and Mony are doing this supercoool thing next week at their place drinkin' some tea poppin' some bottles tell me you're in?“

The blonde frowned as she regarded her friend. „Drinking tea? Really?“

„We're gonna celebrate the queen's birthday or what?“ Raven jumped in with a raised eyebrow.

(On another note, Clarke was still mildly wondering what dancing queen had to do with Jasper and Monty organizing yet another thing, but apparently she would never know what went on in the girl's head.)

„Nooo you guys don't understand,“ Octvia giggled as she leaned forward and tried to whisper, failing terribly at doing so. „It's _Jobi nut_ tea.“ She was wiggling her brows like it was supposed to mean something for them but the two girls were left even more puzzled. After that, she groaned dramatically as if _they_ were the stupid ones.

„Whatever guys you'll see. It would almost be the perfect couple event with me and Lincoln, Monty and Miller, Jasper and Maya...“

„...Gina and Bellamy,“ Clarke finished bluntly for her and rolled her eyes at herself for being so pathetic. Raven just gave her a look, however Octavia pursed her lips and avoided her gaze which made something twist inside her stomach.

„Oh, they're not together anymore.“

It took her a second to process what she had just heard but when she finally did her eyes snapped up to the girl. „What? When, and why?“

„I think you should ask him this yourself,“ answered the brunette with a somewhat knowing gaze, then stepping back from the sink after giving herself one final look in the mirror and waving to her friends. „C'mon, let's go back to the dance floor I'm feelin' the beat.“

However Clarke's brain felt like it had been fried because she was frozen in place, confused and irritated and simultaneously relieved which made her feel guilty at the same time. She lifted her gaze and met Raven's eyes that fixed her with a raised brow.

„You surprised?“

Yes, quite frankly she was. She was surprised to find out that he was no longer in a relationship from his sister instead of him, surprised that she had been assuming he was with Gina all the time when in reality he was... somewhere else? She was actually shocked and disappointed that he went through all of that and didn't tell her, didn't let her support him like he supported her. She was _very_ surprised.

Needless to say, the rest of the night passed in a blur and she was happy to finally collapse into her bed in the end, but sad to find her apartment dark and empty because he wasn't there. Again.

 

* * *

 

The week went by slowly, Clarke took a couple more night shifts than usual and worked her ass off to stop her brain from thinking too much about certain things or let's say certain people. What did distract her was the tragic outcome of a family car crash which sadly only the father happened to survive, but it didn't lighten the mood or help her in any way whatsoever; the desperate tears and broken shouts of Carl Emerson would probably only lapse into silence after a considerable amount of alcohol.

On Friday night she found herself shuffling around her room, trying to find something to wear that didn't smell like antiseptum or the dropship's bathroom stalls, when she heard a key clink into the hole.

Bellamy.

She almost forgot how to breathe as she was standing there, listening to him entering the apartment and shuffling around. The last time she had a full conversation with him was a week ago when she wanted to know the difference between zucchinis and eggplants; the last time she had simply seen him was two days ago in the living room where he had been napping idly. And she had been admiring his freckles from afar. So yeah, sue her, but she was kind of delirious to see him again and talk to him and enjoy his simple presence.

„Hey you,“ she greeted him after finally choosing to leave her room rather than standing there like an utter idiot. „Long time no see.“

„Hey to you too.“ His voice sounded brighter than usual and he gave her one of those smiles she loved because it was so warm and genuine. „Yeah, last couple of days were crazy busy.“

What were apparently only days to him had been a solid month for her but whatever, she didn't want to start a discussion. „I noticed,“ she simply said and walked over to the fridge to pour herself a glass of apple juice, still following his moments with her eyes though as he unpacked several groceries from a bag.

„So, you going to Jasper and Monty tonight?“

The truth was that she already knew that he was going, thus the desperation for a decent cloth to put on, but something inside her was craving to hear his voice so if that meant asking question she already knew the answers to then so be it. 

„Yeah, wouldn't miss a Jobi Nut Night for the life of me,“ he replied with a small laugh, putting away a chocolate pudding in the fridge.

„I still don't know what the hell jobi nut tea is.“

„Trust me, you'll see today.“

Clarke squinted at him, her arms crossed in front of her chest. „Should I be scared?“

„Maybe,“ he replied, wiggling his eyebrows which reminded her of drunk Octavia at the dropship and therefore of the topic that had remained undiscussed between them. She wasn't sure if she should ask him or just wait if he would eventually talk to her about it.

She decided to give him time. After all, it was probably none of her business anyway.

Swallowing down the thoughts, she forced out a smile and caught his gaze. „Bellamy?“

„Yeah?“

„I'm glad you'll be there tonight.“

The corners of his mouth curled up and he quickly scratched his chin to hide the smile, but she had already seen it, and she was happy.

-

Jobi Nut tea turned out to be a beverage that was made out of hallucinogenetic nuts and had quite the funny effects as Clarke found out after drinking a small cup of it. She wasn't sure if it was the moon dancing in the middle of the room or the dangerously beautiful duck flying above her head that was more bizarre. Perhaps it was both but wait, were ducks even able to fly?

„You need to stop living in the past.“ It was the freaking moon that was talking to her, illuminating the whole room with it's light so that she had to shield her eyes from it.

„Just – just wait a minute,“ she said, scrambling to her feet but then pausing. „,Why should I listen to you? You're the moon, you're standing here and - and I don't even know if you exist!“

„You know what is true and what not, Clarke. You know what I'm trying to tell you.“

Confusion rose in her chest and she took a step to the side, seeing Raven talk to Murphy in the disheveled kitchen; something about brooms and closets. 

„No, I have _no_ idea what you want from me.“

"Think."

"Stop living in the past?" she repeated, voice raised now. "What d'you think I'm doing all this time? I'm living on. Every. Single. Day."

"Then why are you still holding back so much?"

She swallowed as a lump in her throat started to build, this moon or whatever it was was starting to get on her nerves. "Shut up."

 

"Time to use your heart. Here, I'll give you my light and it will guide you." The moon suddenly started shining even brighter as a white sphere glistening in light seemed to move towards her. 

" _No,"_ she snapped, staggering to the couch to sit down while massaging her temple.

"Have it!"

"I said no!"

This thing, whatever it was, used the momento to slink into her and before she even knew it, she had swallowed it down. The circle of light. However what creeped her out at first began to transform into ease and then into complete joy. It spread through her body, through every fiber of her being and every molecule and filled every hole with bliss and a huge smile appeared on her face. "I get it now," she whispered quietly, looking up to find the moon smiling at her. 

The rest of the night passed like a carousel  on the funfair with speed that made adrenaline rush in her blood but speed that also filled her belly with excitement. She danced and lived in those moments with her friends, with Raven and Octavia and Monty and Bellamy; with the gang and by herself; with the world and the moon. 

Lived.

"Clarke, what are you saying?"

The sudden voice ringing in her ears became clear and she snapped her eyes open, realizing that they had been closed in the first place. "What?" she stammered shaking her head to try and shake the blurry vision.

"I asked what you were talking about?"

"Oh," she said, a little bit confused, still a bit high. "I was talking to the moon." Clarke blinked a few times and finally she could assign the voice to a face. Bellamy.

"To the moon? The one up there?"

"No, this one." Her fingertips spread out on the material she was laying on and she sat up, understanding that she must have dozed off on that ratty old couch of theirs. Looking around the darkened apartment that was only lit-up with neon colored lamps and chain of lights, she noted that it could be easily mistaken for some psychedelic club.

Her vision of the moon crept up to the front of her mind again and it both stunned her at how utterly hilarious it was as completely vivid and realistic. If she closed her eyes firm enough, she could almost hear the voice again...

"Clarke."

There it was but no, it wasn't some animal or an annoying moon, it was Bellamy and his golden eyes were sinking into her.

"Hey," she breathed and reached out to him, her right hand stroking over the soft skin on his cheek. The very touch of him sent goosebumps crawling up her spine.

"Hey." His face lit up in silver light when he smiled at her and she didn't want to tear her eyes away from him. Ever.

It was probably stupid and impulsive but she couldn't help herself.

"Do you feel that?"

His hand came up to his face, landing on her fingertips where they met the starry freckles. "Yeah, I do."

She could hear her heart rate speed up and instinctively she leaned closer. "Really?"

Bellamy closed his eyes and nodded sluggishly. "I can feel it everywhere," he told her and it managed to make nebulas combust in her rib-cage as she explored his face because he had this circle of light in him too, he felt it, _too_. But before she could say anything else the man that had been so close a second ago pulled away and stood up; his arm stretched to her. "C'mon, we should get going."

A frustrated sigh came out of her. "But we just arrived?"

"We've been here for five hours."

"Oh," she grumbled and rose to her feet with his help, not letting go of his hand though. "Where's everyone?"

"Hell if I knew. O' is dead asleep in Jasper's room but I'm not sure about the others." He guided her through the living which was covered with all kind of things, pillows, blankets, a pack of cigarettes, even an ice cream can. All of these thing caught her eye more than they should have but Bellamy was apparently eager to get home, tugging at her hand every time she even stopped for a millisecond.

They found Murphy sleeping on the floor in the hallway, covered in cucumber slices. 

"Well, at least he's alive," she joked on the way out. 

To drive back to their apartment they took a cab, since Bellamy wasn't in the condition to drive and neither was she.

Leaning against the window pane Clarke let out a long breath. "You know how relieving it was to live for five hours and not once think think about my dad?"

Bellamy's face turned to her and he tilted his head. "I can imagine."

"Does that make me a bad person? To want a life where I'm not constantly reminded of his death?" It was a serious question and she had been thinking about it for a long time now. She wouldn't ever want to forget what her dad meant to her or who he was but every time she thought of him it hurt _so_ much, and trying to not think about him felt like she was betraying him, like she was trying to forget him.

"No. I think that's human, Clarke," Bellamy said in his raspy, sleep-deprived voice. "One day however, his memory will no longer be so painful."

She nodded thankfully and closed her eyes, trying to remind herself what it had felt like a few hours ago, what it had felt like to have the moon beaming in her chest and lighting her up from the inside.

"It was so peaceful, to be so at ease. It felt like the sun soaked me up from the inside, Bellamy."

"Even the talking moon?" he joked and nudged her with his elbow.

Clarke bobbed her head enthusiastically, cracking her eyelids open to admire him because he was beautiful and she loved him and the feeling was overwhelming. "Even the that."

The way his eyes crinkled when he smiled and the cute dimples that appeared below his cheek, the dark curls hanging from his sides.. all of it was so damn perfect.

She wanted to say _you are my sun_.

She wanted to say _you are the light inside my rib-cage_.

She wanted to say _you you you it's always been you_ but the only thing that came out of her was a ragged breath.

The car stopped which meant they had arrived. Clarke threw the driver a twenty dollar bill, not caring about the actual price, and climbed out of the vehicle; eager to get some fresh air into her lungs. Being so close to Bellamy all the time let her mind wander to places that were unreachable. She always had to remind herself that he didn't view her like that.

The trip up the stairs was too long in her opinion and silent; her heart beating wildly because Bellamy's hand was on her back and that was all it took to make her dizzy. Finally closing the door after them, Bellamy let out a long and low sigh.

She let herself fall against the white wall, closing her eyes and letting the the last remains of the tea curse through her system. That feeling was still inside her and somehow she hoped it would never leave again.

"I should go to bed now, got an early meeting tomorrow," Bellamy told her but didn't move an inch.

"Busy week ahead of you again?"

"Yeah something like that."

"All this time I thought you were with Gina," she started randomly and just the mere mention made him still, his usual loud breathing freezing. "But apparently you've been just working really hard."

"Clarke -"

"No, it's fine. You didn't have to tell me that you two broke up." Her tone suggested casual but she knew deep within herself there was more behind it. More shock, more hurt, more relief.

She could feel him shift towards her, coming to stand right in front of her.

"I didn't think it was that important to you."

"Yeah, sure," Clarke said in a mocking voice and gave him an unimpressed look. "I mean, it's not like I care for you or want to be there for you, no, no."

"I know," he told her and she frowned.

"You know?"

"Yes, I know." He bit his lip, his eyes still fixed on her.

"Okay," she replied. "So you're feeling fine?"

"Right now -" his hand waved between them. "- I'm feeling more than fine."

She nodded with a pleased smile on her face. "Good, let's keep it that way."

The back-and-forth game between started to make her feel antsy, her chest rising more and more heavily while it seemed like they were gravitating towards each other with every passing second and before she could even register it, the personal space line was long overstepped and she could feel his breath on her skin.

"Bellamy," she whispered into the hollows of his neck, her hand carefully rising to stroke his temple.

"Clarke" was the raspy response she got and suddenly his hands were above her shoulders, practically pinning her against the wall behind her.

"Do you still feel it?" Her fingertips were running down his side, barely touching the material of his blue shirt but apparently enough to raise goosebumps on his skin.

"I do," he rumbled and angled his head lower so that his lips were able to reach her earlobe. "It's fucking burning me up from the inside, princess."

She let out a whimpering noise, having to close her eyes because his voice, his closeness, what he was saying, all of it felt too good to be true.

"Me too."

He let out a low grumble and pulled a few inches back, nevertheless painfully close to her. "You're high, Clarke."

"So are you."

"But -" he gulped. "- I want this."

A smile erupted from her lips as she opened her eyes in order to be able to look at him, his earnest expression, the want, the lust.

"Goes both ways."

"Clarke..."

"Bellamy," she mirrored him and stroked the soft skin where her fingers were grabbing at his neck. Clarke gave him a light nod, pulling slightly aback so that she could look him in the eye and catch a glimpse of his wrecked expression again, but he was holding back and she _hated_ it. And because it all felt too much she didn't wait any longer and pressed her lips to his cheeks. He clenched his jaw and she could feel the pressure on her lips. His skin was soft, sweet and it made her shiver inside as she slowly kissed the corner of his mouth, the place where his dimples appeared when he laughed, his cheekbones. 

"You're going to be the end of me," he whispered and a hand came up to halt her movement, stopping her from exploring his face with her mouth further on.

Her pulse was probably sky rocketing right now. 

"Then tell me to stop." Her breathy voice came out low and quiet.

It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time until she heard him sigh hardly under her, just grabbing her face and crashing his mouth on hers. 

He pushed her back against the wall and kissed her, softly at first, and then then with a swift gradation of intensity that made her cling harder to him as the only stable thing in a liquefying world. She hummed happily, because gentleness wasn't what she wanted, not now, not after all this time. Knotting her hands in his curls she pulled him harder against her her which released a low growl from him.

His right hand remained firmly but softly on her cheekbone while the other one explored her upper body, his fingertips setting fire to her skin, his touch tagging along a nerve-burning sensation that left her gasping into his mouth without his hands even dipping below her torso.

"If you want to stop -" he breathed heavily after pulling slightly back, his forehead grazing hers as he leaned onto her. "- just say so."

She let out a slightly frustrated groan and drew him into another kiss instead of replying, deepening it by partying her lips and allowing his tongue inside, sighing happily into him as electric jolts of pleasure shot through her. The way his hands were moving along her body; touching, feeling, her it almost blinded her and they hadn't even taken off their clothes.

„Is this answer enough?“ Clarke asked, panting but still managing to raise a cocky eyebrow.

Bellamy grinned back at her, eyes dilated with lechery, hair looking like had just woken up from hibernation. „Hell yeah.“

He kissed her again, again and again until the only thing she could feel was endless desire to get him closer, even closer than the way their bodies were pressed up against each against the wall, even closer than their lips colliding like the moon and the sun; he just wasn't close enough.

„Bellamy,“ she moaned between hot and filthy kisses, barely finding the strength to pronounce his name let alone form a coherent sentence. „I – I need...“

Retreating from her mouth and bringing his hand up to caress her cheek, he gave her a promising nod. „I've got you, Clarke, I've got you,“ he murmured and then used his arms to haul her up by the hips without even blinking, letting her arms clasp around his neck. „Bedroom?“

„My bedroom,“ she hastily affirmed and couldn't help herself but to crash her mouth back on his, enjoying the taste of him on her lips. He somehow managed to stumble through Clarke's room and let both of them fall into her bed without any accident whatsoever, and if she wasn't so busy devouring him right now, she would probably make a mental note to congratulate him on that later.

Finally having a solid surface underneath Clarke used it to explore his abs, scraping her nails along his v-line under his shirt while he was peppering her jaw with soft kisses and grazing her belly with his fingertips, creating a delicious ache in her lower parts. It made her breathe a little heavier, made her pulse beat faster but it wasn't until one his fingers dipped into the waistband of her jeans that she let out a loud moan.

„What do you want?“ He dragged his teeth along the line of her neck, biting playfully but firmly enough to leave deep purple marks after he was done with it. The combined sensation of bittersweet pain and his fingers rubbing her through the material of her panties sent her into another dimension of pleasure and want. „Tell me what you want me to do.“

„First, I need our clothes off.“

She used the moment in which he was hovering above her to get rid of his shirt, smirking delightedly when his toned upper body was in full view. However Bellamy didn't wait to retaliate, promptly returning the favor until she was laying beneath him with her breasts in full disposal (much to his enjoyment.)

A second passed in which both of them just stared at each other with this utter lust in their eyes, but it didn't last long, their lips meeting again with a much more urgent fever this time; desperate to feel and touch each other. His right hand cupping her tit, massaging it and then rolling her nipple with his fingers getting a guttural groan out of her.

„Fuck, Bellamy,“ she gasped in pleasure and tugged at the curls at the back of his head, motioning to her pants that she was unfortunately still wearing. „They -“ she shuddered because of the feeling he left on her collarbone as he licked a trail down. „- off, they need to get off.“

Looking up to her Bellamy gave her a smug smile. „You really need them gone do you?“

„Yeah,“ she groaned and started wiggling herself out of them eagerly but he quickly stopped her, his hands bringing her movements to a halt.

„Uh uh, so fucking impatient, are we?“

„Well, if you didn't keep stalling...,“ she retorded with annoyed and breathless huff.

„Don't worry, Clarke. I'll take good care of you.“ His voice sent shivers through her bones as his breath lingered above her nipples. „Just tell me what you need.“

„I need,“ she started confidently but lost the ability to speak for a moment when his mouth landed roughly on her tit, flicking her nipple with his tongue while his left hand was playing with the other one. „Need – your mouth.“

„Huh,“ he murmured into her skin and eventually lowered himself to her nether regions to help her take off the material and while he was at it he lost his pants, too. The exposure to the cool air in the apartment raised goosebumps on her skin, however that also might have been just Bellamy. Clarke tugged him up by his arms to kiss him again because his lips were just too soft and too good to not appreciate them, but after humming gently against her and pulling back by biting her lower lip, he slowly started to descend down her body. She had to close her eyes as he kissed and licked the trail down to her core, almost groaning ferociously when he paid special attention to her tits.

Settling between her legs at the edge of the bed Bellamy gave her one last hungry look before he let his fingers travel into her panties at a truly agonizingly slow speed, her whimpering noises urging him on the whole time. He rubbed her slit for a moment before suddenly applying a firm pressure on her clit whereat Clarke's legs started to fidget impatiently.

„I've got you,“ he kept murmuring as he was repeating the same motion that was enough to tighten the coil burning in her belly but not enough to get on. What she needed was his tongue and his fingers doing their work down there.

„Bell – Bell, please.“

His lust-filled eyes snapped to her and without any warning whatsoever he tore off her underwear, throwing it over his shoulder and brought his mouth on her. First, he just rewarded her with tiny kitten licks on her slit but when her movements and her sounds got too desperate he finally mouthed at her clit, taking it between his lips and applying a soft pressure that let her see sparks behind her closed eyes.

Clarke was probably murmuring prayers or obscenities while he was down working on her but she couldn't help it with that amazing mouth of his on her clit, it just felt too fucking amazing. When she frantically tried grabbing onto the sheets he shifted their position slightly, letting her legs fall over his shoulder so she could clutch at his curls and have some kind of control although her heavy gasps were doing just enough in that field.

The godly pressure on her clit was almost enough to send her over the edge, however it felt like she needed just more – more of him and more of everything, and she tried to tell him by panting obsecure and incoherent words. Bellamy understood, he always understood and when Clarke thought she was at her peak, he inserted a finger and then another, curving them upwards inside her and hitting that spot and then everything just exploded into a big white nirvana that had her floating on her bed, shuddering through her orgasm with a disjointed moan.

She only started to come back to the world when Bellamy sheepishly crept up to lay next to her. It took her a moment to regain her motor abilities but when she did, she leaned over and gave him a lingering, sloppy kiss as she sighed happily into his mouth. Bellamy growled softly against her, bringing up a hand to cup her face, and she realized how painfully hard he had to be by now. Pulling him even closer with her one hand and gripping him through his boxer briefs with the other, she angled her leg around him and they sluggishly rolled over, positions switched.

For a moment it felt like Clarke wasn't the only one finally living out what she had been wanting for the past months; giving him every piece of her because it felt good and right. For a moment she forgot that this was probably just a matter of sexual release for him.

„Come on, now let me take care you,“ she whispered into his hear with a filthy, hungry tone in her voice, despite her thoughts getting a hold on her for a moment, and started repeating his previous moves when he had enjoyed himself so eagerly by teasing her. However Bellamy didn't seem to want to wait that long, just pulling her to him again and dragging her into a messy kiss, his hands sliding down her back to squeeze her ass.

„Fuck, you're already doing that.“

„Bellamy,“ she growled against him and forced herself to draw back even though making out with him post orgasm seemed all to compelling. To see him come, though, didn't seem so bad either and it actually stoked excitement in her belly again. Before they could lose themselves into another make out session, she wandered down his torso and stopped closely above his boxer brief, carefully gripping him and feeling his lenth through the material. A silent gasped escaped her mouth as she felt him pulsing in her hand.

With a little too much force she tugged off his underwear which revealed his amazingly thick and hard cock to her. The truth was that she wanted to put her mouth on him, give him the best blowjob of his entire life and see him come just by her lips but Bellamy was already impatient and she was selfish, she wanted to feel him inside her, so she delayed the thought to another day. Instead of blowing him she stroked him a few times releasing a quivering gasp from him, however she couldn't resist and put her lips over his tip, flicking her tongue against his slit even if it was just for a second.

„Fuck, fuck, fuck, you're so fucking good.“ His voice was trembling terribly and again, she had to force herself to stop before he actually came. He got the gist and hastily scrambled for a condom that he got out of his portemonnaie, pulling it over his length and shooting forward to kiss her again.

„Please,“ she pleaded in a wrecked voice, underneath him again since he had rolled them over during the embrace. „Now, Bellamy.“

Clarke felt him smirking against her lips and she pinched him lightly, urging him on with her hands grabbing at him.

Without ever stopping to kiss her Bellamy positioned himself and slowly thrust into her, at first just the tip to stretch her walls and then his length when she was bobbing her trembling head against him.

The pace was maddening slow in the beginning but that made it so excruciatingly good in the first place, What made it even better was the way he pinned her arms against the bed above, the lack of flexibility sending a serious of jolts to her core and with each thrust her orgasm was building again. Everything felt like a vivid dream, pleasure spilling from her mouth and from her body parts, endorphines running through her brain, his hot breath against her neck raising goosebumps. It was all too much at once and when the speed picked up along with the murmured words released into the air something imploded in her again. Her world seemed to fall apart and fall together at the same time, she was losing her mind and regaining her senses simultaneously when both of them came undone.

And Clarke knew that she had been smart, her entire life, and marrying a patient so that he could get insurance was definitely one of her smartest choices, she realized, although it would probably fuck her over soon enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and all it took them were five months, 70k words and 13 chapters lol, but hey, you signed up for a slowburn so you got a slowburn. This fic is slowly coming to an end as you'll realize but buckle up because we're not quite THERE yet. 
> 
> And sorry but I just need to vent about that finale because it completeeeely destroyed me like I was d.e.a.d. I mean I'm a slut for angst but only when I know that it's 100k words of slowburn NOT WHEN ITS THE CANON SHOW AND RIPS MY HEART OUT. AND NOT WHEN I HAVE TO WAIT 4 8 MONTHS. :( But that means fanfiction time so I'll definitely be writing more of these. SO much more. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm really excited what you think about this one :))) So tell me in the comments!! THEY FINALLY DID THE DO!!


	14. Valleys of our faded love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea why these chapters always turn out to be such monSTER CHAPTERS AHHH I know you probably dont mind but it's really time consuming to write ANd to edit :') Anyway, please leave me some comments if you liked it, as you can see I really put a lot of blood and sweat into this. 
> 
> Otherwise enjoy this rollercoaster!!!

Clarke woke up from a throbbing in her head so strong that it sent the bile in her stomach rising up. Before her sleep fogged brain could wake up or even realize what was going on her legs already shot out of bed and carried her to the bathroom right across her the hall. She sank to her knees and emptied her stomach into the toilet, the veins on her arms standing out from the tight grip at the toilet seat.

Dizziness, weakness, pain that was all she could focus on right now; everything else, every thought and every feeling vanished around her while she was puking her guts out. That was until she felt a weight on her shoulder and then her hair being carefully held and suddenly it stopped and everything that happened the night before came back to her mind.

Clarke leaned her sweaty forehead against the toilet seat, not caring about any germs that might be there, and closed her eyes, trying to suppress another wave of nausea.

"You okay?"

She took a deep breath and lifted her head back up with trembling hands by her side. "I feel like shit," she muttered, massaging her temple.

Bellamy probably mustered her with concern but right now - kneeling in front of her toilet, half naked in a shirt and undies and probably vomit pieces in her hair - she refused to look at him. And she doubted she would be able to ever again after last night...

"Come on, I'll make you some black tea and bread, it'll help," he told her and squeezed her shoulder lightly which made her skin shudder under the touch.

However, she shook her head weakly, still not meeting his eyes. "I think I better stay here before...," she trailed off with a wary shrug.

She could see Bellamy nod out of the corner in her eye and then he disappeared through the door. A wave of crippling anxiety washed over as she looked up to the ceiling.

_She had sex with Bellamy._

They had kissed and suddenly they were in her bed and fuck, it was so good and - no, Clarke had to stop to think like that. It wasn't supposed to happen like that, not while they were high and impulsive, not this briefly after his break up with Gina, not like _that_.

And yet it had felt so good and most importantly it felt right. Kissing him, running her fingers through his messy hair and feeling his warm body pressed up against her, it seemed like the single most right thing to in that moment, like it was her destiny to love him like that.

"Fuck," she whispered, wiping her mouth with her left him and pushing herself up. The urge to throw up seemed to be gone, but she couldn't say that about the terrible headache. That was definitely still there, along with crippling anxiety rushing through her system. Slowly and carefully she made her way to her room, she needed to change and shower. The smell of sex, sweat and him overcame her, but especially his musky earthy scent struck her as another set of memories washed over her.

_His lips on her neck. Her fingers tangled in his hair._

So what were they supposed to do now?

Before Clarke started to over analyze the awkward future with Bellamy Blake to full extent, though, she hopped into the shower; not that it really stopped her from doing exactly that.

First of all they needed to talk about it but the most presumable outcome would be that Bellamy regretted the whole thing, that it was a mistake, a one time thing because he didn't feel more than friendship for her and she would be left with her feelings. Again. This time however it would hurt a lot more. A lot.

Of course, the thought that there might be something on his behalf occurred to her, too. Call it wishful thinking but there had been moments that night when he was so into it, into her and so tender and lovingly that made her cling onto the tiny scrap of hope. And what he had said to her before they first kissed. It all seemed too good to be true so she shoved the idea quickly away, deciding to keep her expectations low. It was most probably a one night stand for him. See Bellamy was not shy of his sexuality, he liked women and he liked sex, and that was she had been for him: just someone to have a little fun with. Nothing else, besides his friend and room mate.

She turned off the shower head and took a few deep breaths before going out and facing the harsh reality. Despite her efforts to mentally prepare herself, she was still not ready.

"C'mon, Griffin," she muttered to herself, putting on a baby blue bath robe. "If you can take a scalpel into your hands and cut someone up, you can friggin' talk to Bellamy." Her hands were still shaking when she walked through the apartment and found the kitchen empty with a cup of tea and a piece of bread sitting on the kitchen bar, waiting for her.

Either he had just left, or he was in his room.

She didn't know which possibility terrified her more that he had just gone without a word or that she still had to talk to him. Collecting all of her strength again, Clarke went to his room and knocked weakly on his door. Her heart seemed to stop for the couple of his seconds until she heard his voice call a "yeah".

He was just about to put on a black shirt when she opened the door, various images flashing through her mind again at the glorious sight. "Hey," she said and attempted to smile. Bellamy looked at her curiously and suddenly all the words died in her throat because he looked so unfazed by all of this, like nothing even happened and it was just something she had dreamt last night. It made her feel embarrassed for putting so much thought into it. "I - I think we should talk."

"I know," he replied with a slow nod. "I'm meeting my agent now so I have to run. But we'll have that talk. Later, 'kay?" He wanted to brush past her frozen figure but he stopped next to her, touching her temple. "You feel okay again?"

"Yeah - yeah, I do," she stammered awkwardly as she looked up to him with a blush starting to spread on her cheeks.

"Good. Really, we will talk, later."

Clarke nodded and watched him leave. Something in her stomach twisted and turned but she had no idea what to think of all of this.

-

"Spit it out, Griffin."

Clarke looked up from her quinoa salad and was met with Raven's narrowed gaze focused on her, her other best friend Wells sitting next to her in the booth looking equally suspicious. 

"Spit out what?" she asked casually as if she didn't order them on a lunch date to discuss her current Bellamy crisis. 

The brunette rolled her eyes and brutally gutted a potato chip with her fork. "I know what this is, you used to do that in college when you fucked someone completely inappropriate, like your TA, -" she narrowed her brows "- and then fessed it up over lunch. It was like your walk of shame - _your lunch of shame_."

Wells snorted and Clarke sent him a threatening glance. 

"She looks guilty, am I right or am I right?"

The man nodded with a sheepish smile while sipping on his ice tea. "One hundred percent, totally, undeniably guilty."

"Fine," Clarke groaned and grabbed her own glass so that she could hide her face behind it when she told them. "I may have or may have not slept with Bellamy?"

There was a long silence in which she was too afraid to look any of them in the eye, however the longer it stayed quiet the faster he heart started beating and she wasn't in the mood for some Tachycardia in public. Her eyes darting out from behind it, she took a peek from her hiding place. 

Raven's face remained mostly unimpressed simply embellished with a raised brow. Her other judge looked slightly more surprised, covering his mouth with his hand to hide his cough. 

"You slept with the man you initially married to give him your insurance?"

Clarke gave him a scowl and lowered her drink back on the surface. "You know he is more than that to me."

"Sorry," he said with an eye roll. "If you haven't noticed already I missed out on a lot."

The remark stung a bit since their loss of contact had been due to a misunderstanding between their families and she regretted that it had even come this far. "Yeah," Clarke replied, giving him a rueful smile. "But I gave you the speed version of everything that happened in these months."

"Yeah, Wells, try to keep up." Raven smirked, playfully nudging him with his elbow. 

"Sorry, sorry." He held his hands up and shook his hand over dramatically. "So you two.. hooked up. What do we think of that?" He turned his head to see what the brunette thought but she just snorted loudly. 

"We think that was long overdue and set to happen since, _like_ , April." It was the middle of July. 

"No, we do not think that," she said with a pointed look and a pressed out an ugly smile. "We think that Bellamy just wanted something to get him off and fucked the first thing that he could find which, in that case, was me."

"And you - ?" asked Wells slowly, squinting his eyes as if trying to find out if  she was into Bellamy was like solving a mathematical equation. But then again, he would have probably excelled more at that. 

Clarke gulped. "Complicated."

"Actually, if I may interrupt," Raven interjected happily. "It's really not _that_ complicated." 

"I think I've got it." Wells glanced at her for a moment and she remembered the time both of them thought that the two of them would end up together because they were best friends, king and queen in their small, little kingdom until one day Clarke started showing interest in her classmates and he came out to her as asexual and possibly aromantic. And they still loved each other more than anything, just not romantically. "Have you considered the possibility that it wasn't just sex for him?"

"I don't know, I mean, yeah but no. It's Bellamy, I'm probably more like a little sister to him than anything else."

"Yeah right and the sky is green and I'm not awesome," Raven muttered with a sigh. "Look, you didn't see you two together last night, you were all over each other like some freshly married lab puppies who couldn't get enough of each other."

Clarke frowned in confusion, she didn't have any memories of that part of the night. "No, we weren't."

"Yes, _believe me_ , you were."

"How can you be so sure? As far as I know you were giving Murphy a pep talk yesterday, something a long the lines of 'you're the most beautiful broom in the closet of brooms'," she offered with an arched brow. 

"Shut up," her friend muttered under her breath, raising her drink to her mouth. "He _was_ a beautiful broom."

Well's brows furrowed on his forehead as he looked between them in bedlam. „Do I want to know what exactly you consumed last night?“

It made her chuckle and she shook her head with an easy smile on her lips. „Not really.“ Then fixing her other friend with a look of expectation. „So how were we so close as you say because I'm really having trouble remembering any of it?“

„Do you remember when we were all in the kitchen, eating these muffins Harper had baked?“

Clarke waged her head in surprise. „No?“

„Geez, what _do_ you remember?“ Raven wanted to know, huffing out a small laugh and raising her brows. „Wait, do you at least remember banging him?“

Her cheeks heated up at the images that flashed in front of her eyes but she shoved them away quickly, trying to cover her blush with her hand. „Yeah, that I do remember.“

„Girl has her priorities straight.“ Raven smirked proudly but only got an eye roll from her because that was not the point right now, and she really wanted to know how exactly the evening had passed.

„Raven, what about the munching in the kitchen?“

„Oh, right. Well, you two were giggling about stupid shit all the time and generally acting annoyingly cute together, and then he literally started feeding you those fucking muffins.“

„He fed me?“

„Damn right, he did.“

„Okay,“ she said, her eyes wandering around the room as she thought about what it could mean. Feeding someone did seem kind of intimate, however she often did that with close friends so that was no indication that Bellamy might reciprocate her feelings for some miraculously reasons. „But that -“

„I haven't finished yet, Griffin.“ The brunette gave her a smug look and popped a fry into her mouth. „So as he was feeding you, guess where your bum was seated at?“ Clarke gulped, staring at her with question marks in her eyes. „Yeah, on his damn lap. You were literally sitting on his lap and let him feed you, what kind of romantic shit?“

It took her a minute to process all of this newly gathered information. So that had happened and then they slept together which left her with a low of unanswered questions and even more anxiety. She simply didn't know what to think of it.

„Okay,“ Clarke repeated again with a heavy sigh, gazing at her friends for some helpful advice that she had actually come for. „So what do I do now? I tried talking to him today but – he basically ran away and told me that we'd continue it later.“

„From what I've heard in the last ten minutes,“ Wells started carefully, looking her in the eye. „You don't seem to be the only one whose feelings are 'complicated'. So I'd say you have that talk and figure it out together what it should mean.“

She nodded slowly, letting the suggestion run through her head and then looking to Raven because she hoped the woman had something else than actually admitting her feelings. „Ray?“

„You know where I stand, Clarke, just talk to him and stop overthinking!“

„But -“

„Nope.“

„Raven -“

„No objections!“

Clarke groaned loudly and let her face fall into her hands. It couldn't be that easy, right? Just talking to Bellamy and getting her happy ending without any consequences or obstacles along the way seemed too unrealistic for her liking.

„I'm just scared I will ruin our friendship,“ she muttered eventually. „It can survive a one time hook up but not unrequited feelings.“

However, it would have to because even whether she wanted or not, she had to have that conversation with him one way or another, and whatever the outcome might be she wasn't quite ready to lose Bellamy Blake as a friend yet.

-

She waited for him that night with her stomach riding roller coaster and her mind going to places that let her pulse speed up. Talking about her feelings really wasn't one of her specialties. While she was waiting, she started cleaning her room to keep herself at least somewhat busy and sane, later moving on to the kitchen and the living room. Her inner snob only came to a halt when she ended up standing in front of Bellamy's room, musing over whether he would appreciate it if she tidied it up a bit.

 _No_ , she thought to herself and bit down on her teeth.

First of all, it was his room therefore she had to respect his privacy that came with it and then there was the fact that she was neither his mother nor his cleaning lady to do that. So cleaning up in his private space was simply wrong but then again curiosity got the best of her when she thought about it.

Carefully she placed her hand on the knob and opened the door, giving her an over all view over his room.

It turned out to be very tidy.

So she didn't enter, just looked everything over and remembered the last time she had been in here. It had been months ago - even before Nilyah and Gina and her dad, before everything that happened, when he gave her a book that he thought she would like. She did.

She shut the door with a heavy heart and wandered back into the kitchen where she sat down and let her eyes fall close. Clarke had a bad feeling and it was eating her apart from the inside. An hour passed in which she didn't know what to do with herself, simply staring at her hands and waiting for something to happen and then she heard the door open and he was there, body slouching slightly and a tired expression hovering in his eyes but still looking nice and good-humored. They talked around the topic at first, him asking her if she was already felling better and her asking about his day and his book's progress but in the end it was right there, hanging in the air and she looked at him leaning against the counter and he looked right back.

„So,“ Bellamy said, rubbing the back of his neck because that was what he did when he wasn't entirely sure about something.

„So,“ she echoed and huffed out a laugh. It was ridiculous how they didn't even manage to say it out loud even though they were full-grown adults. „Okay, no, fuck this awkward silence, Bell. We're both grown and we had sex and now we need to talk about it.“

He raised his brow at her with the shadow of a grin on his lips and crossed his arms. „We did.“

„So what now?“

„Now -“ he shrugged somewhat helplessly. „- we figure out what this is.“

And what exactly was this? She bit her lip and glanced over him,

„Okay, well, obviously we were under influence,“ she started and silently begged her heart to stop beating so wildly. It was just a talk (that would probably decide over her future with Bellamy but JUST a talk).

„... and it kinda' happened in the heat of the moment.“

She gulped and lowered her gaze because even if lust and want had dominated her brain in that particular moment, she had wanted and fantasized about it for a long time, but apparently this was not the case with him. It was just the heat of the moment kind of thing, the quick fuck after a break up, everything but what it was for her. She bowed her head and looked away, refusing to meet his gaze after that blow.

„And it was just sex for... _you_ ,“ he said, voice husky and filled with something she wasn't able to assign to anything she understood which made her lift her gaze ultimately. Clarke furrowed her brows.

„I mean -“

„For us,“ Bellamy corrected before she could even finish her sentence that would have probably changed something, but he interjected and that changed everything, too. „It was just sex for us. Right?“

His feisty brown eyes were piercing through and suddenly she found her tongue glued inside her mouth; not a word came out as she stared back and attempted not to faint right there in front of him. She wanted so badly to say that it hadnt been _just_ sex for her, it had been so much more than that but the only thing that was released was a pathetic whimper. Seemingly it was enough for him, he nodded.

A silently building pressure settled in her chest, filling her ribs with it's heavy weight and broken wishes piercing through her heart. „So that's it then?“

„Yes. It happened and we talked but it's nothing to wrack our brains over and – Clarke, you're an important person in my life and I don't wanna lose you over something as stupid as this.“

Something as stupid as this.

What she had felt for him for the last past months, all the love that consumed her when she saw him smile and all the hidden pain she had endured to push it all down, every single nerve that lit up at the sigh of his dumb face was unimportant. Stupid. Irrelevant.

He continued rambling, something about how she was the only real person besides his sister who he was able to trust so fully and deeply and that their friendship was too good to throw away but she stopped listening at some point, shutting out the words that came flying out of his mouth and peering at the wall behind him; his face sometimes disturbing the view and popping in and out but mostly the few moments felt peaceful. It was like someone had fried her brain so that it stopped working for the time being, simply existing for a while. All she could see was the wall. All she could heart was the voice of someone who was breaking her heart with every new word that poured out; out of the same mouth that had whispered sweet nothings into her skin the night before and the same mouth that had kissed her senseless until every little thing that ached inside her disappeared and love took it's place.

And Now it was breaking her.

Clarke snapped out of it when he repeated her name several times, louder and louder until she looked him in the eye and saw the confused expression in his hazelnut brown eyes. „What you said,“ she mumbled with her voice low as she stood up. „You're right.“

He blinked, confused. „Where are you going?“

„I need to be somewhere.“ It sounded like a lie which it was. However, it didn't matter in that moment, nothing really did. All that was important was that she had to wash it away, run it or scream it away and rub on the pale color that covered her skin until his smell, his voice, the holes he had burnt into her were gone, until _he_ was gone from her. She needed him out of his system, out of her mind and simply gone because as it turned out he didn't feel like that for her. He didn't feel anything.

Clarke turned around, ready to face a reality where she had to forget Bellamy, ready to try and burn her love for him out of her heart when the urge to cry overcame her like a thunderous wave crashing on the shore. It was very quiet except for the whimpering noise that came deep down from her chest and straight into the atmosphere between them.

Maybe it was the anguish deep within her soul, maybe stupidity and selfishness but she spun around back to him and let him see what he had done to her.

„You know what?“ Clarke shook her head and something along the lines of a horrible smile grimaced on her face. „No, I'm not fucking okay and I don't agree.“ She just kept shaking her head until tears started streaming down her face as she was looking him in the eye but even then she kept shaking it. „I'm – just -“ the words were stuck in her throat and by now there was probably a graveyard in her mouth, filled with words that had died on her lips.

Clarke stumbled backwards shakily, hand coming up to wipe at her eyes because the world seemed so blurry through thick veil of distress and her heart shattering into two - fuck, no, into thousands of pieces.

She didn't see him coming to her through the fat and sorrowful tears, didn't see his face warped in pain just like hers only slightly more regret and ache in there but she did see his hand reaching out to her. She took a hasty step back, covering her mouth with her hand until the sob that had been building was released into the silence of her palm because she swore to herself to never let him touch her again and fall for the gentle pressure on her skin. It would make her weak again, make her fall right back into him and back into the same old cycle that had been torturing her for weeks now. Not anymore.

„I – I want you to move out. Please. I can't do this - I'm sorry,“ she told him through tears and then she turned around. Now she was ready to leave it behind her.

Now he was gone.

-

  
Twenty minutes later and he still wasn't gone which she would have understood because packing up all of his belongings after living here for half a year would take much longer than minutes or hours. However he wasn't packing up, instead he was standing somewhere behind her door, that she had locked with trembling fingertips, and begging her to let him in. First knocking. Then banging. Then nothing. He talked, too, saying things but none of the words that came out of his mouth made it easier to breathe. All of them only cut deeper.

"Clarke, please." His voice sounded frantic but to her liking, far away like a distant echo.

She rolled away from facing the door and pressed her face deeper into her sheets that were already half soaked from empty tears by now.

"Please, I -" It was barely a whisper now. "I never meant for this to happen and I never wanted to make you cry - god, I hate it when you cry, Clarke."

How ironic because even more tears welled up in the corner of her eyes.

How _utterly and miserably_ ironic his words were, because all she did _was_ cry since she had met him.

"I wish I could take that night back."

_God, so did she but not only the night. She wanted the last fucking few months to be erased._

Silence followed his words and she thought that he had finally given up, decided to leave and it made her heart clench tightly inside her chest despite what she had said or what she was thinking. The thought of him leaving was corrosive but she knew that it was for the better, better for her. But suddenly there was a shuffling noise from the other side of the room again. Then:

"I'm so sorry, Clarke. But I will leave now don't you worry."

And now it was real silence that washed over the room, empty and ugly silence that made it easier to realize just how much her breath was stuttering from her cries, and just how much her heart was breaking inside of her.

It went like that for a certain amount of time. She didn't count for how long. But eventually there was nothing left to cry for her anymore and for a moment Clarke felt like she was back on her couch, phone dropped on the floor and heart vanished with her mother's whispered words on the other side of the line.

This was different, though. It had to be different because he wasn't dead, and even though it hurt like hell she wasn't deceased either, at least not yet.

A few failed attempts to stand up later Clarke decided to do the only thing that would be able to ease the pain somehow. Numbly, she scrambled for her phone and started dialing a number after getting a hold of it.

"What's poppin', Griffin?"

Her heart sunk at the image of her best friend smiling happily into her phone, probably ready to hear all about what Clarke was about to tell her.

There was nothing to tell.

"Raven," she whispered, gripping tightly to the device as she made an effort to sit up. "Can you - maybe, if you have time, come over?"

"Sure." Her voice shifted drastically from joyful teasing to concern. "Are you - are you okay?"

Clarke shook her head slowly, eyes closed with sorrow and fatigue until she remembered that her friend couldn't see her and she needed to actually speak.

"No, I mean yeah, my heart is fucking broken. Please just come?"

Another twenty minutes later Raven let herself in with the key that she had got for emergencies and cautiously came to stand in the door frame, fixing her with deep brown eyes full of worry and care.

Clarke was back to first base with her sheets, wearily blinking when she noticed her presence and probably looking completely pathetic while doing so. But her friend understood, she understood and just crawled into the bed next to her and held her until she didn't feel like she was going collapse into herself anymore.

 

* * *

  
  
Life after Bellamy was like the first cold and somber winter days after a livid, hot summer, simply a void and preposterous shroud of life. The days were short without him and the night all the more longer, filled with empty rooms and an even emptier heart. But she was battling through it, like she always did. After all, it was just another heartbreak, right? Just another heartbreak closer to her true north and someday, she said to herself, someday she would meet someone and none of this wouldn't matter anymore.  
However, losing Bellamy was also losing her best friend, room mate and the person she trusted. Losing him was losing her _person._

But she was fighting through it and that was mattered, didn't it? To keep living even if every breath felt like a hundred stones were drilled into her rib cage, even if sleep was the only place where she could bring her mind to shut up. 

For the first few days the sharp claws of shameless guilt were gnawing at her heart for kicking him out like that. And he had really left without any of his things which made the hole in her heart even bigger because not only did she lose her friend, she also literally destroyed their friendship and set it ablaze like the complete asshole she was. Clarke thought about calling him a few times, to tell him that should at least pack up but she was too embarrassed and frankly too afraid to see him. However one day the problem resolved itself on it's own when she came home from work and found a key sitting on the kitchen bar, idly lying there and waiting to be noticed. The door to his room was gaping ajar, too and needless to say, she found it empty that day. 

He must have come when she was at work, got all his things and then left again. He had probably gone out of the door and simultaneously out of her life. The thought made her cry over a bowl of cereal and her phone when it occurred to her one morning. 

That was how the guilt and embarrassment gradually shifted to arbitrary anger. She started reliving any and every moment with him at night and it made her furious, furious because he never noticed in those months, never saw it. Angry because after breaking up with Gina he just used her like some fucking tissue, a consolation price.

Eventually that faded, too and all she was left with was a lonely hum in her brain right where his name had used to be. 

But like she already said, she was fighting through it and her friends helped her along the way; slowly but surely. 

(At least that was what she wanted to believe.)

Clarke was cuddled up next to Raven on the old ratty couch in her friend's apartment, watching america's next top model and eating ice cream. It was mostly quiet except for some smacking and sometimes snickering at something that happened on the TV. However her friend broke the silence by sending her a concerned look and raising a tentative brow. 

"How are you doing?"

She didn't know what gave it away, the fact that she had turned up at her place without any announcement, ringing the bell in piyamas or that she looked like a goblin's right toe; her appearance strongly indicating that she had neglected her physical as her mental care altogether lately. 

(But she was going through it, right?)

"Just fine," Clarke grumbled, tugging the blanket closer so that she could pretend to hide underneath. She didn't have to raise her gaze to know that her friend didn't buy it. 

"Clarke, I'm serious." How funny, Raven was almost never serious, at least not with her anyway. " _This_ is serious and - I'm worried about you."

"Well, what do you want me to say? No, I'm still not okay and it's -" she swallowed hard. " - it's not better, but this is how I'm dealing with it."

"By hiding in your apartment, or in this case mine, and ignoring the outter world?"

"Ding, ding, ding"

"I'm just," Raven started again, shrugging helplessly as she gave her a pitying look. "I was so sure about you two, you know? And I can't but help feel guilty that - that, y'know, it ended like it did..."

She put a lot of effort, _like a lot_ , into not showing any sings of hurt or regret at her words because it was nobody's fault but her own and yet there was a pang of heaviness tugging at her heart. It wasn't Raven's fault. "Can we please not talk about this anymore?"

A nod and then they went back to watching a mindless reality show about unimportant conflicts with unimportant people. 

On other days she showed up at Wells' place, interrupting his preparations for some of his courthouse cases but being welcomed with open arms and a warm smile nonetheless. They then proceeded to simply hang around, sometimes looking at old photo albums and reveling in old memories where they were just children and unaware of the burden of life. It helped. A little bit, it helped. 

What didn't help was the invitation to the regular cookout with friends at Harper's. She had several options but all of them ended with Clarke feeling like a piece of shit at the end of the day. The most obvious one was to cancel because she was still not ready to see _or_ face _or_ talk to Bellamy. However that was somewhat more problematic since she had already declined the last three times to go out with them. At some point it would get suspicious and at some point it would be shitty. Nobody liked snitches and she liked, no she loved these people; losing them would only add to the long list of things that made her cry at night. What she certainly could also do was to just go and cook slash drink with her friends but then again, Bellamy... Clarke wasn't even sure how she would react to seeing him and more importantly, how he would react. Would it be awkward smiles and tension-loaded air? Or straight up ignoring each other's existence? Or perhaps something completely different. The point was that she was scared. 

In the end she chose the latter. Fear was a pretty shitty thing but isolating herself from the gang and drowning in her own misery was certainly shittier, so facing Bellamy it was. 

 

* * *

 

When she arrived at Harper's apartment on Saturday night she could barely contain her anxiety, sweat starting to build on her forehead and her stomach acting out turbulent airplane crash scenarios inside of her. The august summer heat may have contributed to her bodily persperation but the ants under her skin didn't have that same excuse.

Thankfully, Bellamy wasn't there yet which meant she had time to down numerous glasses of wine before he came barging in through the door and everything went to shit like she had imagined it in her head the last 24 hours. To be exactly precise she managed to drink up two and quarter glasses, earning a "easy there" from Monty and an amused raised brow from Murphy, when the door rang and there was only one person who was yet to appear. 

"Clarke, can you open the door," the host asked, her face warped in focus as she tried to stuff a lifeless chicken. "My hands are kinda full right now."

Her movements in slicing potatoes halted and she swallowed hardly. "Actually, I really need to pee right now," she lied and basically fled from the kitchen to the bathroom two rooms away, hoping someone else had the decency to invite him in. It wasn't like she didn't know he was coming but answering the door and standing face to face to him without any of their friends between seemed too frightening, even for her. So she hurried away as fast as humanly possible, passing Monty and Jasper on the way, and locked herself in the bathroom. 

_Now what, dumbass?_

First of all, she needed to calm down because trembling hands and the desire to throw up helped exactly no one. Clarke tried that by splashing her face with ice cold water. Now she had to prepare herself to greet him like saying  a simple hello and smiling, but even that felt like showing up at a Beyoncé concert and performing as a Clarke Griffin instead of queen of the world, Beyoncé, herself in that moment;basically like full-blown humiliation. And yet she had no choice. Even through the music that was playing through a box, she could hear the voices of her friends filter through and there was one voice that - _his_ voice was there and that meant he was here. He was here and she had to see him one way or another. 

It took all of her strength to open that fucking door again and walk out, straight to the source where all the noise was coming from. The majority of the gang was seated in the living room, chatting loudly and Jasper rolling a bud. However, Bellamy wasn't there and that made relief wash over her, despite the knowledge that he would probably emerge from the kitchen in a few minutes anyway but hey, she took a win where she could get one. Clarke decided to jump right in and distract herself with anything other than the thought of him, so she sat down on an empty spot next to Jasper on the couch and put her mind on watching Jasper roll one. 

"Do you need help smoking that one?" she found herself asking after a moment because, for the love of god, she could really use some release of tension right now. 

Jasper briefly looked up from the task, a wide grin splitting his face in two. "You don't even have to ask," he replied. "Didn't think of you as a stoner, though."

"I've had my times, trust me."

He nodded, not looking up while he was licking a thin stripe on the paper before speaking. "We all did, I guess. You've just never joined in since I've first met you, you know?"

"Well, I'm game _now_." She gave him a cocky smile and closed her eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. "God knows I need it."

"Any particular reason?" he wanted to know, finally holding the beautiful and ready joint in his hands and admiring it. 

Without even noticing her head turned in the kitchen's direction where Bellamy was probably standing and smirking with that stupid smile on his stupid face. Clarke quickly composed herself and looked back although Jasper had already noticed by the look of it. "Nothing, really. Just long days at the hospital, you know how it is." She got an understanding nod in return and she was about to ask about his first few month in the hospital when she heard _his_ voice right behind her. 

Bellamy was telling Miller and Murphy needing to help with the food and she was sitting on the edge of the couch, meaning that her back was to him. But she could feel his warmth and his presence radiating anyway. Clarke gulped helplessly, not moving to turn around. Somehow she wished for his sister in that moment since he always seemed softer around the edges when she was around (once upon a time it was like that with her, too). Octavia wasn't here, though, missing another one of their nights for reasons that were unknown to her. 

"Come on, guys," Miller grumbled to her and Jasper as he passed them. "Everyone helps along."

"Nuh uh," Jasper's shrill voice sang. " _You_ make the food, _I_ make the reason why you get the munchies in the first place." Apparently this was a good enough reason for him to be left alone. Unfortunately, she wasn't part of that reason since Miller threw her a dirty look. 

"You're not rollin' so it's cooking for you, Griffin."

Now she simply had to turn around because Miller was standing behind her, too, and talking to someone without looking at them was rude and unmannered. Clarke _had_ manners. So she did turn her head and she did see both Miller and Bellamy. Her eyes caught Bellamy's for a tiny fracture of seconds and she didn't know what he saw in hers but she saw a million things run through his mind, even a flicker of delight before he blinked and looked away, crossing his arms and a cold expression replacing his truthful gaze. She forced herself to tear her eyes away, too, and pressed out a tight smile. Or something that should have been smile. It probably didn't look like one. 

"I'm providing mental support for Jasper," she said and tried to grin at the two guys, tried to behave normal. "I can't cook anyway so it's a win win situation for all of us." At her self-depreciating comment about her kitchen skills she lifted her eyes to him, expecting something - maybe a laugh or a smirk, since he had been a witness of that statement for the last months. However, she didn't get any of that as he simply turned around and left for the kitchen. She had no idea why she expected anything more. 

"Whatever," Miller grumbled after shooting weird looks to both Bellamy's back and Clarke's disappointed face. 

She didn't really have to help Jasper so they spent the next hour chatting about his job as a pharmacist at the hospital and how his first two dates with Maya, the bartender, had gone - not counting the Jobi Nut tea night. Whenever he mentioned Bellamy, how he helped him get a move on his crush or spent his breaks with him when they were both at the hospital, she ducked her head and swallowed. It was so difficult to hear his name - or actually see him - and not feel like someone had just stabbed her in the heart. So freaking hard. It made her wonder if she could ever move on from losing him - not just because he didn't reciprocate her feelings, but losing him as a friend. That was what she had been so afraid of in the first place and now it was actually happening. 

Perhaps she had to talk to him, although not like the last time, and explain to him that even though his rejection had hurt her deeply, she could try to move past that. _They_ could try. Maybe not as room mates or bestest of friends but simply being back into each other's life, having each other's backs. 

However, saying all of that out loud was a hell lot of harder than thinking of it. She needed to chill before all of this anyway. 

After the food was ready Jasper, Monty, Miller and Clarke all went out on the balcony to smoke the joint while the others were preparing the living room to become a dining area and choosing a movie to watch. The drags she took made her heart beat a little less faster whenever she got a glimpse of wild black curls and muscular arms, and slowly but surely she felt ready to face him. They shuffled back inside, eager to have a feast and everyone kind of settled on the couch and around it. Clarke ended up next to Harper and Monty whereas Bellamy was on the other side of the room which was presumably intentional. Despite her efforts not to send any glances into his direction she couldn't help but search for him whenever there was something funny on TV and she wanted to see if he found it funny, too. It reminded her of the evenings she spent watching Netflix with him.

Clarke only got a chance to have a proper conversation him after the film ended and everyone spread out, some people going to the bathroom, others back to the kitchen. Bellamy went out on the balcony on his own which was her chance. _Take it or lose it_ , she thought with a wildly (but not that wildly) beating heart and got up from the couch. He was leaning on the railing, looking over the parking lot that was located next to the building. 

"Hey," she said and was surprised at the soft tone it had come out, almost like a whisper. Bellamy's back tensed hearing her voice but that was about it that she got as response, he didn't reply or even look at her for that matter. That was okay, though, she deserved the could shoulder. 

"I wanted, um, to tell you a few things," she started regardless of his silent treatment and settled next to him with a good amount of space between them. "But I realize now that you probably don't even want to talk to me..." 

"Why are you here then?" His voice was sharp and filled with a lot of emotions, most of it probably anger. 

"Because," Clarke said a little more pressing. "Because this-" She waved a hand in front of her. "- _this_ fucking sucks, whatever state we're in right now. And you were right. You're too important to me to lose you over something like - like this."

Finally, his face spun around to her but instead of the usual fondness in his eyes there were ice cold black pupils staring back at her. "You made it pretty clear that you think exactly the opposite by throwing me out of the apartment."

 _Right_. He was right. 

"I'm sorry, Bellamy."

"For what?"

"For kicking you out," she told him, her mouth tugging downwards because it hurt her to see them like this. They were supposed to be best friends and now look at them. "For ending everything and for -" her voice lowered until it was only a murmur of words. "- for that night. It shouldn't have happened... I understand that now."

His eyes closed for a moment and then he went back to staring ahead of him. She could feel that he didn't want to her to see what he was thinking, what he was feeling - and the easiest way to do that with Bellamy was to just look him in the eye - he didn't let her. 

"You do?"

Clarke exhaled slowly before offering him a quiet "yes". Sleeping with him might have been a thrilling experience but what came after was destroying her, so yes she understood now that sex with someone who wasn't on the same page as her was not good. Not healthy. "It was wrong and I let my feelings - god, it was just too much. But I'll get over it. We can still be friends," she said slowly. "If you want."

"You're still not seeing it, Clarke." He shook his head, stepping back from the handrail and sending her a sinister look. "You can't just keep coming back into my life and then leave again. It doesn't work like that, especially not after what happened. You've made it pretty clear what you're feeling and I am sorry but i can't keep doing this because - we want different things."

Her eyes widened in horror as his words whooshed in her ears. 

"So no, we can't be friends."

He knew what she was feeling and that was why he couldn't be friends with her anymore. Her feelings were apparently too weird for him, too much of a burden and he just - he didn't want to have any form of relationship with her. 

"Bellamy, please," she ignored that her words sounded like a plea, ignored that she sounded pathetic and looked even more pathetic the way tears were prickling at her eyes. "I can move past that I -"

"But I can't, and that's the problem," he murmured, almost gently now like the way he used to months back before everything had turned to shit. Then he turned around got back inside, leaving her all alone. The rest of the night was only a distant event.

 

* * *

 

"Atom, I need your help. Now," her voice was loud and demanding as she tried to stabilize her patient that was having a seizure in this. right. exact. moment while her moron of a resident was standing outside and talking to someone about something that wasn't nearly as important as this.

His head peeked through the door and his eyes widened in shock when he saw the situation. "Oh god - oh fuck, I'm sorry, Dr. griffin," he rambled, running over to the bed and helping keeping the patient's head steady and calm so that he wouldn't choke on his own tongue. "I didn't see, I'm so sorry -" he kept shaking his head frantically which made his hands tremble. "- I just heard about this lawsuit and - and I didn't see!"

"Stop talking." She sent him a serious look and sighed somewhat heavily. "You're here now, that all that matters."

"It was just this lawsuit and I remembered our case a few weeks ago, it was horrible -"

"What are you talking about?" Clarke asked irritated. The seizure finally stopped and she let out a sigh of relief. "Roll him over," she ordered. 

He did as he was told but continued rambling in the meanwhile. "Carl Emerson, Dr. Griffin. He got a lawyer and now he's sueing us."

"What?" Her brows furrowed. "For what exactly?" She remembered the man. He had a car crash with his family, wife and two kids unfortunately died in the OR and he was the only one that made it. His reaction was pretty strong, to say the least, he was very angry and devastated but who could blame him.

"I don't know - something like denial of medical assistance."

Clarke snorted loudly and shook her head, what a load of crap. They had saved his life. "That's bullshit but anyway, when you're with patients you keep your head here, Atom, not with any lawsuits or other irrelevant topics. Got it?"

Atom nodded hastily and the fear in his eyes reminded Clarke of her in her first year of residency. She had been so young and naive then just like the black haired boy with the insecure smile and wide eyes. They checked the patient again and made sure he was stable for now before she sent him off to do her paperwork (but hey, that what's residents were here for, right?) and she made her way down to the cafeteria. A team rushed past her with a girl's lifeless body lying on the daybed when suddenly the familiar long, brown hair caught her interest, or rather her panic. 

_No. That couldn't be._

She watched the team of doctors disappear in the elevator while she narrowed her eyes and sorted through her thoughts. If she was right and that - and that person was who she thought it was then something really bad was going on right now. In order to calm her conscience she got out her ipad and looked for the newest emergency room arrivals and sure enough the name was there.

**Octavia Blake, arrived at 2:12 pm.**

Her heart started beating wildly and she rushed after them. Why was Octavia in the hospital? What happened? Thousands of questions were running through her head while she climbed up the flight of stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. It took the doctors 15 minutes to fully stabilize her and then another five minutes to connect her to all the machines. Clarke didn't even have to look up what had happened because she knew the procedure from past experiences. Drug overdose.

It was a strange sight to see the girl in such a bad state. Her facial features were relaxed but the cheekbones were basically poking out of her slender face, her thin arms looked like they were about to break and an unfamiliar pallor covered her body.

She couldn't understand how Octavia went from the overly happy girl with the perfect boyfriend to this person laying in the hospital bed. The girl was save for now, drugs were currently being pumped out of her system but interior damages would remain.

The worst part of all was to tell Bellamy; to see him and tell him that his sister overdosed on drugs and almost died because of it.

Clarke decided to return when he got here, to speak to him in person and help him any way she could. The next hour went by agonizingly slow, the minutes stretching in front of her but when her shift was over she couldn't bear it any more and practically ran to the ICU; not wasting any time on thinking about what to say or do. Perhaps she should have because the sight she was greeted with, when she stepped into the room, was awful.

Bellamy was sitting by his sister's side, holding her hand to his forehead while his whole body seemed to tremble in a deeply concerning manner. His whole back was crumpled, posture weak and broken and she had truly never seen him so broken down like he was now. Completely and utterly broken. By his side was Miller, carefully squeezing his shoulder and giving him physical support.

Clarke almost whimpered out loud at the view and even though she managed to suppress the sound her presence was still made notable when Nate turned his head and spotted her, lingering at the door with her mouth wide agape.

He just smiled weakly and then proceeded to get up and leave the room, giving her shoulder a light tap while passing her. The broken shell of a men didn't even blink or flinch, just remained seated next to his sister.

For a moment Clarke was left standing there still unsure of what to do, however after a second of composing herself she knew exactly what had to be done. Crossing the room she sat down next to him and placed her arms around his torso, leaning her forehead against his neck and she just held him; held him so that he wouldn't break apart.In that moment it didn't matter to her that they hadn't spoken for the last three weeks since the cook out at Harper's and the other two before that. It didn't matter that their relationship was currently in fragment and Clarke was still somehow lying awake at night and thinking about what could have been and never were. The only thing that mattered right now was to support him.

He didn't indicate to even notice her in any kind of way, just let her hold him while he was blankly staring ahead. It wasn't until she tightened her fingertip's grip around the material of his shirt and whispered a quiet "I'm so sorry, Bellamy" that he finally gave in, his entire body slacking and collapsing into her. But she was there to catch him. She was there to travel with her hand up and down on his back, gently tracing soothing patterns against his skin like he always did when it was her who was upset. Clarke could feel warm and wet tears running across her shoulder where his face was buried and it nearly ripped her heart in two to seem him this way.

"She's okay now," she murmured into his skin, breathing in his musky scent that painfully betrayed him by smelling like anguish and fear. "Octavia is alive and she'll fight trough this."

Clarke could feel him shaking his head and quietly laughed to herself that even now he managed to be so fucking stubborn. 

"It's all my fault."

Her reassuring movements halted for a second and she frowned with sad eyes he fortunately couldn't see. "What? No, Bellamy -"

He stopped her by pulling out of her arms and looking to his side, not meeting her gaze. "She's got it all from me, and -" a tear slowly ran down across his cheek, landing on the hard white floor. "I did this to her. It's my fault."

"Unless you personally put these drugs into her system and then left her to die it's not your fault." Her jaw was clenched and her eyes piercing and fierce as she stared at him. "You can't take the blame for this one, Bell."

His head whipped around and revealed red ridden eyes and a desperate, yet determined expression on his face. "But it was me," he stammered, shaking his head. " _Me_ who put her into this fucked up life, _me_ who introduced her to drugs and all of this shit. _My_ life forced this upon her and -" The muscles in his jaw twitched wildly. "- I made her like. this"

Gravity tugged at her brows as she regarded the man in front of her taking all the blame. And he truly believed it was his fault. "I don't know what you're talking about but every single human being is autonomous. That's what we call free will, and regardless of your past, or whatever it was, she chose it, she made the decision and you have -"

"I killed someone, Clarke."

She was sure that her heart completely stopped beating in her chest when he uttered these words, until Clarke narrowed her eyes and firmly shook her head. No. This person, Bellamy - the one who once was her best friend, the man she loved - was not capable of murdering someone. She was sure of that. "No, I won't believe that. This isn't who you are!"

"Wrong," his voice lost the heartbreaking pain and gained a new hard edge to it, making it sound more cold and taut. "I did."

"Oh really? How?"

He blinked at her in surprise, not having expected this reply. 

"And why? How are you not in jail then? Why are you a free man who is sitting next to his sister right now instead of rotting in a cell somewhere?"

"Because it's complicated," he shot back with a growl, holding her wild gaze. She was determined to prove that he wasn't what he thought he was whereas he was apparently just waiting to drown in his own self-hatred and guilt.

"It always is, Bellamy." She swallowed and took a deep breath. "That doesn't mean that you're a killer, I mean -" A brief pause. "- you can't just say that. You can't just sit here and tell me that you murdered someone."

"So you want me to pretend to be someone I'm not?"

"No," she almost yelled before reminding herself that she was at her workplace and there was a sleeping Octavia right next to them. "I want you tell me what happened. If you want. But I don't want you to blame yourself for her -" she gestured to his sister. "- or for any other things you couldn't control."

He looked at her in silent ire for several more moments but eventually his jaw relaxed and his tensed shoulders dropped slightly, the anger seeping out of him. "I did kill someone," he muttered quietly, pressing his face into his hands. "You really sure you wanna hear this?"

She bit down on her teeth, trying to slow down her erratically racing heart and bracing herself for whatever would come next. "Yes."

"We're not even friends anymore, why?" he asked, looking up at her. 

She scowled somewhat, irritated by his question as by his accusation. He knew what she had felt for him and how much she cared for him so why was he even questioning it? 

"You'll always be my friend, Bellamy, regardless if you feel the same or not."

The corners around his mouth softened a bit at that and he tore his gaze away from her back to his palms, sucking in a deep breath before speaking. "After my mom died it was hard to keep the food on the table, pay rent for the house _and_ let O' live out her childhood as carefree as possible. So I turned to other things aside working my ass off day and night, you know, shady business." 

She focused on his long breaths while she was listening to him, somehow thinking that she might need that reassurance.

"It started out with selling weed, just the easy type of drugs and it went well. The money started pouring in, Octavia was beaming with happiness whenever I brought home a phone or something. She seemed so happy at that time. So how could I say no to Murphy when he offered me to do even more business? Sure it was more dangerous, hard stuff was fucking risky but it was for O'. One day, just before I dropped out of everything.. She brought her friend, it was this girl, Fox. She was cute, just 17 years old and I knew her from my sister. God, she was so young." He shook his at the memory, eyes closed as the painful reminder probably washed over him and suddenly Clarke feared she knew exactly where this was going. 

"O' told me a couple of this time that this kid, Fox, had problems with her family, cried a lot at parties and all of this crap but young me didn't care then. I probably didn't even listen properly back then, just thought about all the money I could make with the drugs. So one day she came to me and asked me for some stuff. The hard stuff. I was surprised at that time because she didn't seem like that kind of girl but hell, she was willing to pay the money so I was willing to give it to her, thought maybe she could distract herself from her shitty family. And then -" his voice cracked painfully at the word, a full-scale shudder overcoming his whole body. She had to close her eyes for a moment to prepare herself. 

"Next day she was found dead. Overdosed."

 _Fuck._ A tear slipped down and Clarke quickly wiped it away, she had sworn herself not to cry. 

"She got the stuff from me and then she injected it in her arms and killed herself, Clarke." For a second it sounded like a rage-driven accusation but she knew better than this. He was mad at himself.

"I sold it to her. I killed her. It was _me_."

"Bellamy," she attempted to say but it came out as a pathetic whisper. 

"No, don't say anything. It's what I've done and now I get to live with it," he said, leaning down on his knees and then glancing over Octavia. "Fox deserved better. So did O'. They didn't deserve this piece of shit of brother and friend who sold drugs and ran his mouth without any care in this world. I 'm a monster."

 "Please don't say that," she pleaded, wide-eyed. "What happened is... horrible and a tragedy but you didn't kill her."

"Yes, I did."

"No," she insisted, twisting her mouth and looking him in the eye. " _She_ killed herself, Bellamy."

"But..." There was a long silence in which she thought he would start sobbing any moment, his lips quivering in guilt and shame and his arms slowly coming up to wrap around himself. He looked so lonely in that moment. "I could have stopped her, I could have just talked to her instead of..." The words died in his throat but he didn't have to say them for Clarke to know what he meant. He shouldn't have sold her the drugs. 

"You made a mistake. You did something wrong and it ended with someone committing suicide but it wasn't _your_ fault. If you hadn't sold the drugs, she would have found another way and done it anyway. That's fucking sad and I'm sorry for her that it had to come to that in the first place but she would have still killed herself. You couldn't have done anything."

The way he was sitting there, his head bowed, face in his hands and quiet tears finding a way to the ground, it broke her heart. Clarke couldn't just watch him destroy himself like that so she inched closer and placed her palms on his shoulder blades, trying to get him to look at her again. 

"If I had just talked to her," was all he said, over and over staring into a blank space. 

"You're just human, Bell," she murmured into his ear, unfazed by the proximity they shared. It didn't even feel like they were close because he just kept gaping at something, anything but her. 

He stopped repeating the same phrase and his eyes darted to her for a second before blinking and looking away. "And I killed her."

"No. You didn't. Stop saying that," she said and her voice seemed to rise in volume and anger at his obstinacy. "You were right, now you get to live with but taking all the blame? It'll only tear you up from the inside."

"Maybe I deserve that," he muttered numbly. 

 _Oh fuck, Bellamy._ Without further hesitation she grabbed his chin with her delicate fingers and swerved it into her direction so that he would finally look at her. 

"It's not your fault. And neither is Octavia."

She felt his jaw clenching around her fingertips but he stayed where he was, at least she could gaze him in the eye while she was talking now. 

"Your sister may have picked up on your side job but you know what she also picked up? That you did it for her. All you ever do is to protect your sister and that makes you a good brother, a good person and I know when I'm saying that everyone around you thinks that, too. Octavia loves you and you're her own personal hero. Your friends love you." _I love you._

"Then why did she do this to herself?" he asked her as his whole face crumpled into a heart wrenching sob and it tore through her heart yet again. Her own gritty expression, hell-bent on proving him that he wasn't a monster, fell and froze in place. Her mouth hung open as if she wanted to say something but the words just weren't willing to come out. The truth was that she simply didn't know. She had no idea why the girl had done it. 

"I don't know, Bellamy," she admitted, giving his chin a soft stroke before retreating a hand and sending him a thoughtful look. "Maybe she had problems. But it's more important that you're by her side now because she will be either fucking relieved or... angry that she's still alive but you will be here. With her. And I'm 100% sure that she will get through this with you by her side. But Bellamy?"

He slowly raised his eyes to meet hers. 

"She can't do this if you keep blaming yourself. You got to let your past behind you, turn the page and do better than yesterday."

It took a while until he gave her something like a nod and exhaled gravelly. Bellamy was at his lowest but she was here to sit beside him and hold his hand until he felt ready to rise again, even if none of this meant that their ruined relationship was suddenly fixed. Even if they still went back to being strangers afterwards.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke wasn't angry that he never called or texted her after that. After all, she only did what he had always done for her: be there for each other. She was a little sad however, that he didn't even tell her how Octavia was feeling since she was her friend, too. She cared for the younger sibling just as much as for the older one so she took matters into her own hands and visited her a few times. It didn't give her all the answer about why she had overdosed or how, she just knew that the girl had problems in college and that was why she turned to such drastic measures which resulted in hospitalization. Of course, it couldn't have just been college difficulties, there had to be more about this but Clarke chose not to poke around in the matter and stay out if. The two siblings deserved to heal on their own without any intruders intervening. 

So it was back to normal. Hospital, home, Netflix and takeout and sleep. Sometimes she saw Raven, other times Wells. She decided not join the gang's evenings anymore since she didn't felt really ready after that fight with Bellamy. It didn't appeal to her after his breakdown at the hospital either. It just felt like he wanted her out of his life and so that's exactly what she did. Stayed out of it. 

However one day she got a mysterious text from Raven that she didn't really understand or expect while she was at it. 

**Raven 12:09 am: U really gotta talk to Bellamy Clarke**

**Clarke 12:30: What why?**

**Clarke 12:30: We already did that**

**Clarke 12:31: twice**

**Raven 12:34: Just do it again**

**Raven 12:35: Three times a charm ;)**

**Clarke 12:40: No thanks I already got my heart broken the last 2 times**

She was frowning at her phone in irritation when it suddenly started ringing, startling her so much she almost let her coffee mug drop on her feet. 

"What?"

"Hello to you, too, sunshine," Raven chirped into the speaker and probably smirked or something like that. 

"Ray, what's going on? Why do you want me to talk to him?"

"Just trust me and do it, will ya?"

The crease between her brows widened even further. "What are you not telling me?"

There was a suspicious silence on the other end until her friend cleared her throat and continued bullying her into getting her heart broken again. "You're sooo fucking stubborn, Griffin, god jesus lord my savior help me with this stolid piece of rock," the woman muttered under her breath and sighed eventually. "Look, I just figured there might have been a slight misunderstanding on both of your fronts. Just talk to him again but this time -" she paused and made sure to raise her voice extra loud to scream into Clarke's ear. "Tell him every fucking thought that is on your mind and do not hesitate to tell him the three words phrase, you hear me?"

Her heart stuttered at the suggestion and she gasped. "Why the fuck would I do that?"

"Tell him," Raven simply repeated and she even heard her laugh slightly. (What the hell was so funny about it?) "Tell him everything. He will be at the hospital tomorrow, right about when your shift starts so you can catch him there."

"I hate you."

"You love me."

"I hate that you know something that I don't," she corrected herself and let out a long sigh. "This is ridiculous..."

"I'm gonna hang up now, girl." There was another pause. "And Clarke?"

"Mh?"

" _Everything_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since we're about to hit a very exciting part of the story aaand the ending chapters, I just wanted to say thank you to every person who has left comments and kudos and made my day a little better every time! You guys are the reason why I still keeping going! 
> 
> I know it's been long but I promise you all thoose stupid misunderstandings and miscomunication will be cleared up. Soon. Very soon. :) Stay with me for the last ride! (Bellamy's POV real soon ;))


	15. Bulletproof I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry.

It was supposed to be a good day. Perhaps the anxiety to talk to Bellamy yet again should have bummed her out but somehow she had a good feeling for once because it was supposed to be a good day.

 _A good da_ y. 

 

* * *

Clarke arrived at the hospital with a tiny crease between her brows which didn't necessarily mean that something was wrong, she just frowned so often it was practically embedded on her forehead now. It was just her. The thing that was unusual, though, was the shadow of a smile tugging on her lips as she walked through the big, fat doors of the hospital and into the direction of the residents' changing rooms. She wasn't sure either why exactly she was smiling, it wasn't like her life had offered her a lot of reasons lately. But last night her best friend had called her and given her a somewhat strange but clear order.

Talk to Bellamy Blake. 

She didn't know why or what for and how  Raven knew that he would be here today. It didn't matter today, though. Clarke was always thinking so much, overthinking and coming up with worst case scenarios before she even brought out a word (although she had to say that it did end up going up in flames more often than not, whatever it was). However, now she would try to listen to her friend and do as she said. Have that conversation with Bellamy. Tell him... everything. Now that she thought about it, she never actually uttered these few words to him, not during that night, not in their last two talks which could only mean that there was some truth in Raven's words; that there had truly been some misunderstandings. Whatever those misunderstandings were. So telling him, really telling him, would only give them a rounded ending (or maybe, a beginning but she tried to keep her expectations low). After all, it couldn't get any worse with Bellamy and her, their relationship or friendship or non-friendship had been burnt to the ground the second they pressed their lips against each other, and it wasn't like one of them would die when these words would finally be said, right?

Her shift started at 12 am which meant Bellamy's weekly transplant check up was around this time, too. Or at least the appointment said so and full 30 minutes would probably pass until he would be actually examined for another hour or so.  The check up would probably only take 15 minutes if it wasn't for the 24/7 busy doctors and nurses at the hospital. Clarke couldn't really blame them since she was a doctor herself and knew better than to judge people who were already doing their best to work fast and neat, then again she was also well aware of the wasted time that was lost in the waiting room or for check ups. Anyway, back to the point, she had a good time frame to catch Bellamy in time and have that conversation.

It wasn't the hope, she was still clinging to after two failed attempts, but more the final and clear answer she would get today. No more restless nights wondering about unsaid words and mysterious glances she never really understood. No more what ifs and almosts. It would be like a clean cut, less painful. A fresh start, if you will and that was what made her give Lexa a smile when passing her and genuinely be happy that her colleague had found love with someone else, and that was what made her glance around the room and see people, living, breathing people with their own lives and their own thoughts and fears and blessings. She was content for the first time in months because whatever happened today, she would get a fresh new start. With or without Bellamy. 

Clarke decided to look for him later after the usual morning ward round so that he wouldn't bother him during his check up. Normally, she would be a complete wreck of anxiety and fear bubbling over but today she just felt calm. An hour passed and there weren't thousands of awful scenarios of different outcomes in her head which was relaxing for once. Of course, she had thought about what it would be like to see Bellamy again. After all, it had been three weeks and a lot can happen in that time. There was a time in her life where it was so ordinary to wake up to burnt eggs and a sleepy smirk on Bellamy's face in her kitchen, to go to work and expect to come home to something cooked and an ear that would listen to her ranting about difficult procedures and unfair surgeons, to something solid and warm. Now it was gone but that was okay as long as _he_ was happy. She was curious to see him again but she managed to contain her excitement. Instead she focused on her work, on answering the right question asked by her attending, on studying her patient's medical file and figuring out which choice of treatment would be the most effective, simply on being a doctor and not someone who was in love and about to have the final round of will-they-won't-they.

„Mrs. Clemens is sleeping now,“ Atom told her, his fingers tightly clammed around the patient's folder.

She nodded without looking up from her desk. „Good. Stay around and monitor her condition, if there are any signs of an infection page me or Dr. Shumway.“ There was a silence that followed which made her glance up with narrowed eyes, since the resident usually was quick to follow orders. „What?“

„The nurse at the reception told me a guy was looking for you, Dr. Griffin. Apparently he said it's very urgent.“

And now her heart did actually speed up a bit. Perhaps it was him, perhaps she wasn't the only to get the call by Raven the day before and now he was here to look for her like she was about to look for him. „Did she mention his name?“

„No,“ the resident replied, shaking his head. „Just that it was urgent.“

„Okay, well, thanks for telling me,“ Clarke said and gave him something that resembled a smile, couldn't afford to be too nice around the first years or else they would get used to it. „Now go and make sure Clemens stays alive and -“ She suddenly noticed the huge bags under his eyes and the weak slouching in his shoulders „- get some rest while you're at it. You look horrible.“

„But I thought you said I need to monitor -“

„Well, you can do that while sitting down,“ she explained with a huff of breath as she stood up. „Otherwise you're no use to Mrs. Clemens when you're as good as dead yourself, Dr. Deli.“ Then she shot him one last pervasive look and brushed past him to deal with whoever it was that had to speak to her so immediately.

She asked the nurses at the reception but they weren't able to elaborate much further since the mysterious man rushed off as soon as they told him that she wasn't available right now and didn't even wait for the nurse to page her. Somehow it both seemed like and unlike Bellamy, she thought to herself and shook her head. Maybe if she found him first it would clarify things so she asked where he was being examined right now and went there instantly when she found out he was about to be released again. It had taken muss less time today.

Bellamy was in the cardiology station on the second floor. It took her a few minutes to find the room but then she spotted him talking to a doctor, looking just like the last time she saw him; his hair the usual disheveled perfect mess and an easy expression plastered on his mouth, his eyes trained on the surgeon he was talking to until they wandered for a second and found her. Clarke would be lying if she said that her heart didn't do a few extra beats upon seeing him.

There was silent surprise written on his face and he even looked somewhat flustered, he eventually tore his gaze away and continued his conversation so she waited, waited with a content smile and a tickling warmth seeping through her body. After another minute or so the doctor gave him a nod and a handshake and disappeared in the hallway which meant it was time. For a long stretch of seconds while she was making her way over to him there was nothing around her but him, no other patients, no fellow collegues who were talking about their personal issues, no surgeries and treatments, just _him._

„Hello Bellamy.“

A moment passed but he just looked at her in confusion like he was just trying to figure her out with his furrowed brows and the lines next to his eyes. „What are you doing here, Clarke?“

She nodded to herself and let out a quiet huff of laughter, _straight to the point like always._ „For starters I work here,“ she joked, an easy smile playing on her lips as he gave her a raised brow in return. „But I guess you mean what I'm doing here _here_.“

„Yeah that.“

„The nurses told me someone was looking for me,“ she said and watched the way even more confusion drippled into his eyes. „But I needed to talk to you anyway.“

„Well, I didn't look for you,“ he told her cooly and crossed his arms. Something in her dropped slightly, maybe it was his cold manner of speaking or maybe just irritation because if he wasn't the one, who was? Probably just a patient or a colleague, she said to herself and let out a small sigh.

„Doesn't change the fact that I want to talk to you.“

„Talk?“ he echoed, shaking his head. „Clarke, we already did this two times and you know how it ended both times.“

She gulped at the memory and nodded, pressing out a smile for him nonetheless. „It's different this time.“ He sent her a questioning look. „Or at least Raven said it would be.“

„Raven? Does this have anything to do that I ran into her and her girlfriend two days ago?“

So they did talk and that was why she had called her then.

„Yeah,“ Clarke nodded and followed it up with a confused shrug shortly after. „I mean, partly yes, but -“ Her hand motioned to him helplessly. „I've realized that there were.. things that might have been a misunderstanding. Things that weren't said. Things I _should have_ told you.“

She didn't know why but Bellamy took a shaky step back and sent her one of the most shocked looks she had ever seen on him.

„What things, Clarke?“

The strong throb of her head was already audible in her ears and she took a deep breath, trying to collect her thoughts, although the intensity of his eyes on her and the all the words she was about to say didn't help at all with the tension. She had to clear her throat and look away for a second before glancing back to him.

_Fresh start, whether it was a misunderstanding or not._

„Can we talk about this somewhere more private, please?“ she asked him, gesturing to the public around them. It was a sensitive topic they were about to breach, after all. „I don't really feel comfortable talking here.“

He gave her a brief nod and they started walking. There were several on-call rooms on the upper floor where they would be on their own and able to talk in private without anyone interrupting them. While she was walking side by side with him she could practically feel the loaded tension between them since she kind of started something and was now refusing to talk about it until they were alone. She _was_ an asshole.

„So how's Octavia?“ she attempted to break the awkward silence, pressing a button on the elevator and glancing up to him.

Bellamy gave her a careless shrug while making sure to avoid her gaze. „Alive, that's all that matters.“

„She will get better with you by her side. And Lincoln.“

„Clarke, are you really trying to make smalltalk after dropping that bomb and not elaborating?“

_Always so impatient._

„Relax,“ she huffed and shook her head. „Octavia's my friend. Believe it or not but I actually do care about her and I am not just asking to torture you.“

The elevator doors opened just in time for him to press his lips together and send her annoyed looks over his shoulder like she didn't wait a hundred years to tell him all that she would tell him soon.

„Don't sulk.“

„I'm not sulking,“ he replied, obviously sulking.

„I'm sorry, Bellamy.“ She turned to look at him and hoped that he could really see that she was. „It's just – it's important that we can do this without any other interruptions. For once. It's really important to me.“

His mouth opened at that and she was sure that even his eyes widened before he closed it firmly shut and his chest rose heavily.

„If this is another moment where you want to tell me that you can get over the whole thing then I'm gonna -“

„No, Not this time,“ she interrupted before he could make any other assumptions. Without any hesitation she pushed the emergency button that would make the elevator stop for a while and then turned back to him, lip between her teeth and breath stuttering for more than one moment. „I never was,“ she whispered, gaze locking on his deep brown eyes that were widening in shock.

„I was never okay with what happened and I can't possibly get over our one time thing because -“ She sucked in a deep breath, eye lids fluttering shut for a mere second before opening and look at him. Yes. She was ready. „- because it was never a one time thing for me, Bellamy. It was more and it had been for months.“

His adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed and instinctively took a step forward. „What?“

At first, Clarke wanted to laugh because the words were finally out there although she had thought they had been there since the first talk. They were out there and he was surprised which meant – it meant he didn't know and that meant so much more. But then he shook his head, brows furrowing deeply on his forehead as he regarded her with wide eyes.

„But you said -“ His nose crinkled slightly. „- you said you can't do this. With me. We had sex and you didn't want anything to do with me afterwards because you felt weird about it and it destroyed everything!“

„What, no,“ she huffed, a sad smile staring to tug at the corners of her mouth. „I ended it because it was just sex for you and I couldn't pretend being okay with it anymore.“

„Clarke...“

Despite her previous attempts to handle it without her emotions taking over, she could feel tears collecting at her eyes. She sucked in a deep breath and warped her arms around herself. „It was so much more for me, Bellamy.“

„But you said it was..“

„No, _you_ said it for me and I didn't have the heart to disagree at that moment.“

Bellamy's mouth opened again, gaze flicking away from her in something like guilt or embarrassment and she wanted nothing more badly than to wipe it away because it wasn't his fault. Not solely his fault anyway.

„I don't know what to say,“ he admitted after a while and finally lifted his head again. „Except that I'm a fucking idiot and so sorry for not doing this sooner.“

She didn't even process his words and the way he moved to her until she was backed against a wall and his lips were pressed against her. It was a shock, a deeply pleasant surprise but most of all it was good, so good. Clarke couldn't stop herself from grinning widely against his mouth as her hands came up to tug at his hair so that he would get closer. Perhaps it was the softness of his lips or the way he gently cupped her face with his hands or maybe the reality of all of this but somehow a lonely tear rolled down on her cheek and it meant everything except sadness. Everything but.

"So you were not.. mad at me for having feelings for you?" She asked after drawing away slightly so that her lips barely brushed against his while she was speaking, her voice a breathy and trembling mess. Because this was Bellamy, and he had kissed her. And His arms had pulled her to him and set her skin on fire with his nerve wrecking touch. And because it was everything she had ever dreamt of and she wasn't sure if this was reality or perhaps just a stupidly vivid dream. 

He promptly shook his head, his eyes suddenly gaining the well known level of depth as he stared at her. They looked sad but she knew that it was the bittersweet knowledge that they had lived in a misunderstanding and the simultaneous relief over it. "I would never," he said and his curls flew wildly around as he shook his head again. "I had no idea, Clarke and I - it was just fucking painful to be around you all the time and pretend that you're not more than just a friend. That's why I reacted the way I did when you asked me to be friends again."

Clarke swallowed and huffed out a somewhat desperate laugh, shutting her eyes and leaning against him, her forehead grazing his own. "I was so sad. I really thought you hated me for what I felt." Then she opened her eyes and gazed directly into his eye. "But I get it. I told you to move out for the same reason. Having all these feelings and not being able to share them, especially with you - it sucked."

She could feel his muscles moving as a stupidly happy smile formed on his face. 

"How did we not notice?"

That was a very good question but sadly, Clarke didn't know the answer to that one so she just let out a sigh and brought her hands up so that her fingertips could run against his smooth skin on his cheek. She tried ro memorize every shape of his atom with every fiber of her being since she held out for so long and now, finally, she could. She could. "I don't know but all that matters now is that we do know now."

And then she pressed up on her toes and pulled him into another kiss, lazily relishing in this new sensation she felt in her stomach when his lips moved smoothly against hers, a mix of blinding rush of happiness and endless, blissful nirvana. 

"I'll never get tired of kissing you," he murmured between breaths and then pressed another chaste kiss on her lips, not because it was really necessary but probably just because he could. 

"Good because you'll be getting a lot of more of these." A beaming grin spread on her lips and she giggled childishly when he started nipping at the corner of her mouth and then moved along the rest of her cheek, leaving a wet and warm trail of kisses there. Without really wanting to stop the moment ever again she ruthfully forced herself to come back to reality and push a button on the wall next to her. A soft humming noise restarted. "Not that I want you to stop, _ever_ , but I want to do this properly this time, I want to do it right."

Slowly Bellamy pulled back, his soft eyes staying on her the whole time and the hand that was caressing her face not leaving either. He nodded briefly and she knew that he understood, that he understood what she meant. The last time they had done this it was rushed and impulsive, and on hallucinogenetic drugs by the way, which was why it ended in a complete disaster and an almost ruined relationship. This time it would be different. This time _they_ would make it different. 

Suddenly the skin on her hip vibrated strongly and she jumped, completely startled by her pager and by the mean reminder that she was still on duty and had shit to get done. Unfortunately, the world didn't start spinning on the rare occasion of Clarke Griffin being finally happy. 

"Sorry, still at work and still a doctor," she sighed annoyed and leaned her head against his warm chest, getting her pager out and preparing herself to be met with some kind of immediate patient emergencies that would have her abandon Bellamy and have to work for another nine hours until she could finally be with him. Because no, Clarke was not allowed to have a quiet moment with him without any interruptions.

She heard an amused "Go save the world, princess, a guy can wait" from him but it got lost on her end when her eyes landed on her pager and she saw the words written there. Her whole body tensed in mere seconds. Apparently, it wasn't too hard to notice because he lifted her chin with tender fingers and frowned questioningly. 

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Her heart started racing as she looked into his eye and then back to the fat bold letters on her pager.

 **Code Black**. 

Code Black meant there was some sort of emergency or situation in which case the entire hospital had to be under lockdown. No one got in, and no one got out. But it was probably just an exercise, right? These dangerous scenarios that were running through her head at this moment only ever happened in movies and on TV.

Right?

"Nothing," she lied, her eyes blinking at the attempt to cover the truth and stomping down her worry. "It's just.. something weird on my pager, 's all."

"What is it?"

For many reasons that made perfect sense in her head, Clarke firmly shook her head and denied the entire danger of the situation. She had to. She had to hold on to the freshly found peace she made with Bellamy and her heart, to the love and excitement seeping through her body and not let anything like a stupid Code Black ruin the whole thing. 

"Talk to me, Clarke," he pleaded with worried eyes, hands squeezing around her own palms. "I know this look and it means some fucked up shit just happened."

In that moment the elevator doors opened and she was amost ready to ignore Bellamy and his attempts to get her to ruin everything again, lead him to a safe space where she knew nothing would happen to him before finding someone and asking what the deal was, and hopefully laughing afterwards because it was just a stupid joke and she worried her butt off over nothing. Instead she was greeted with the sigh of a horrified Atom Deli, eyes blown in fear and mouth wide agape. 

That was when the world started moving in it's normal and fast paced speed again, the sounds getting louder and images flooding her brain. That was also when her fear instinct finally kicked in and she decided to act according to it. Clear head and smart, fast moves. 

"Dr. Griffin! I - I don't know what to do, everyone is so, god, what is happening?"

She closed the distance between them and firstly, checked him for any wounds or injuries but he appeared physically fine. "What are you saying, Atom? What did you see?"

"Code Bl - Code Black," he stuttered and his breaths came out more uneven and fast than they should. 

"Code Black?" Bellamy echoed, an alarmed tone in his voice. 

"Yes, Code Black." Clarke looked over her shoulder and sent him an apologizing look. "It means hospital's under the lock down. No one is allowed to move floors or get in or out."

"Something is really, _really_ wrong, Dr. Griffin!" Atom's voice made her turn around again and although his body appeared to be unharmed, his mental well being did not. His hands were shaking at his sides and he kept shaking his head back and forth like a malfunctioning puppet. Clarke gulped, afraid to even think of what caused him to be like this, and then stepped closer to lay her hands on his shoulders and squeeze reassuringly. 

"Atom, you are fine, do you hear me? Right now you are fine."

His constantly moving eyes snapped to hers and he blinked for an unnerving amount of time. "I heard gunshots and - and - there was blood, _so much_ blood."

Despite her senses screaming at her to run, she felt like she was glued to the spot, unable to move. Atom's words were just replaying in her mind as she stared at the young man in front of her but only saw her own fear reflected in his scared, widened eyes. It was only when she felt a firm pressure on her hit that she let in a long breath that she was holding and faced Bellamy who had been trying to get through to her. 

"Clarke. We need to go. Now."

She nodded and then they started jogging down the hall, Clarke tugging a stumbling Atom behind her and trying to bring her mouth to properly answer to the questions Bellamy was shooting her. It was all one long, fluid motion; everything flying past her like she wasn't in control of her own mind anymore, just a visitor. They stopped running when she pointed at a door with shaky fingers and Bellamy entered the on call-room with his intent gaze on her. 

"I think we should be safe here for now," she panted as she leaned against the door, slowly sliding down until she eventually was sat on the floor, knees drawn up. 

Atom was still speechless, just peering off into the distance and completely out of it, while Bellamy knelt down in front of her, his palm squeezing her knee. 

"If he is right and there were gunshots, then it's not safe here either," he told her quietly and then glanced over to the first year resident. "We should get out of here. As soon as possible."

"But we can't." She ran a nervous hand through her hair. "The hospital is under lock down which means they won't let us out. Not until whatever is going on here is under control from the outside."

For several moments Bellamy just looked at her, gaze a mix of worry and strong determination, and all of a sudden she missed the softness in his eyes, with which he had looked at her just moments ago, so fiercely that it sent a sharp bolt of pain through her heart. They were so close to having it and now something was bound to go wrong. Something would always be in their way. 

"If that's not an option then we'll find a way to get through this safely here," he said and his hand came up to tuck away a strand of her hair that was hanging losely in front of her face. "We'll get through it, you know that, right?"

Although the feeling that was anchored deep inside her belly was telling her otherwise, Clarke gave him a nod anyway and then she scrambled back to her feet, standing up but holding him closely. She were ready to fight whatever it was. 

"Atom," Clarke spoke, voice sharp and loud as she took a few steps towards him. "Can you tell us exactly what you saw?"

It was silent, Atom barely raising his gaze to even look at her, and she feared that he was too traumatized to be any help to them, but then he shook his head and finally found his tongue again. 

"I needed to go to the second floor to get the blood test results from the lab for Mrs. Clemens, Dr. Griffin. I was mostly alone but I didn't think it was odd because the on call-rooms are here so there aren't usually a lot of people around. I just kept walking and didn't think anything. But no one was at the lab so I went to reception and that's when -" his Voice cracked but he only halted for a second before continuing in a rapid, hushed tone. "- that's when I saw blood on the table, It was a lot of blood, Dr. Griffin, so much more than what we see in surgery. I was scared and wanted to see where it came from and why nobody was at the reception either but then I heard a gunshot. Not here but somewhere in the hospital. It was far away but loud anyway. And then I looked at my pager and everything made sense, so I started running towards the elevator. Where I found you."

The first thing she did after he finished was turning around and allowing herself some space to clear her head and breathe. It was a lot to take in. Bellamy on the other hand was quick to start planing their battle strategy against whatever or whoever it was.

„Okay, let's see what we got,“ he said, running a hand through his hair. „Blood. Gunshots. A lockdown.“

„Terrorists?“ she proposed, back still turned to them but finally getting a hold of the rising panic in her chest.

„Then we'd get evacuated and not on code black.“ Atom's voice seemed to be less high pitched now which was a good sign. They were all thinking straight.

„Right.“ Clarke took another deep breath and spinned around to face them again. „But a shooter or several shooters for sure. We have to call the police.“

„Clarke, they can't do anything if we're stuck here.“

She glanced over to Bellamy and didn't see the fear she held inside her which made her wonder. Why wasn't he? Didn't he care that this was a dangerous situation?

„Yeah, they can. They can tell us what to look out for, how to proceed.“ Without really waiting for his answer she fished out her phone from her pocket and started dialing 911 with Atom hovering next to her and mumbling something about their location in the hospital.

It rang a few times until a female voice picked up.

„Hi,“ Clarke started talking as soon as she had opened with the usual emergency centre line. „My name's Clarke Griffin and I'm a doctor at the Duke Raleigh hospital. We heard gunshots and we think there are wounded here.“

„Okay, I've got your location. Are you currently in a safe room?“

She looked around before answering and considered it for a moment, as safe as on call-room could possibly be. „Yes, but we don't know for how long. We can't lock the door.“

„So it would be very easy to get in here,“ Atom added beside her, even though that part was already obvious.

„You heard gunshots? Did you see the person firing at all?“

„No.“

„Fine. You need to know we already received a couple of phone calls from the hospital, Doctor, apparently there's a shooter so I need you to stay where you are and not move if it's not completely unavoidable. The authorities have already been called and are currently working on taking out the suspect as we speak.“

„It's only one, right?“ Bellamy wanted to know.

„From what has been gathered right now, yes. A white male in his late thirties, that's all what we know so far.“

„Okay, we'll stay here,“ she murmured, voice thick with suppressed dread of what was going on and everything that could still happen. There were just too many awful events that could happen in this kind of situation. „How – what should we do if he finds us?“

There was a moment of silence on the other side of the line and everyone in the room knew what it meant as all of them probably have already thought about it. There was a shooter at the hospital and right now they were in a room that could be opened at any given moment and then there would be nothing to help them anymore. That was reality.

„Stay as calm as you possibly can and do what you are told. People who do this are often driven by emotional reasons so do not try to mock or anger him under any circumstances. Stay quiet and cooperative.“

„Okay.“

„And remember that the man has killed three people before you make any decisions that could endanger you or your fellow colleagues and patients.“

Her voice almost drowned underneath the weight of said words but she managed to find it again and croak out a „okay“ and „thank you“ before looking up to find Bellamy already doing the same.

There were a lot of things she was able to see in those honey nut brown eyes, even fear among them, but mostly it was something she had used to see in all those months they spent fighting or ignoring each other or something in between their friendship and the time after that. Something that resembled happiness to have the person but not actually have them in reality. And now he was looking at her like that again and it broke her heart into pieces. All she could do was stumble into his arms and hold him while she still could because three people had already lost their lives and they couldn't possibly know if they wouldn't be among them when this day would end.

„I – I don't wanna die,“ she heard come out as a desperate sniffle behind her. „I have a boyfriend, his name is Sterling and do you know how long I have been into him? God, for years, I had a crush on him for years!“ His tone started sounding more and more panick-fueled with every second and soon it was all just a rapid and tremelous rambling.

„Atom,“ Bellamy started, arms still wrapped around her body but she could feel his shoulders tense when he spoke.

„No,“ the young man replied, not even trying to calm down. „I just found my happy place with him. Sterling is my happy place and I only went on three dates with him. But he is. And there are so many other things I still want to do. I always wanted to go sky diving. I wanted to visit my grandma on hawaii. I want to have my first real surgery. I want to have a wedding on the beach. I want to live!“

„You _will._ We can survive this.“

„Really?“ He laughed, voice a high and panicked sound. „Because from where I see it we're trapped in a room with nothing to defend ourselves if the shooter comes. We a- we are basically all dead anyway.“

„Don't say that,“ Clarke whispered, the words muffled against Bellamy's chest from where she was pressing against him and trying to not let her tears overwhelm her. A gentle hand came up and cupped the back of her head. „Don't say that,“ she repeated now louder.

„But Dr. Griffin this is the reality! I'm sorry I don't want to admit it, too, but -“ he paused for several moments, the silence almost sounding even worse than the sentences he was spilling. „- I don't wanna die and I'm telling you that. I'm afraid. Aren't you?“

Another series of seconds passed where the only thing she could hear was Bellamy's pumping heart and the way her thoughts were ripped into shreds by one single overpowering emotion. Fear.

„Atom, of course we're afraid,“ she said, drawing away a tad so that she could shoot her resident a sad look. „But we can't think like that if we want to make it out alive.“

„But – that's the point! We wont!“ It came out as a distraught scream by which even he, himself, was shocked, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. "At least - At least you have each other. I'm alone. I'll die alone here."

She gulped, nuzzling even closer to Bellamy because even though the resident was in a panicked state, he was right. She had Bellamy, right beside her, and even if today was the day she was going to die, at least it would be by his side. At least with him.

„Come on man, don't yell at her, she's just trying to help you.“

Clarke shook her head and blinked. „It's okay, I won't break or something. Just don't – let's think of something instead of panicking?“

„Right,“ the two men said in unison and looked around the room, trying to find something they could work with.

„Beds?“

Catching Bellamy's eye and then looking back at the bed, she had already slept in so many times in when the shift was long and her feet were giving in under her. „To block the door?“

A nod but then Atom jumped there first and pulled. Nothing moved.

„They're pinned down to the ground,“ he assessed and then repeated it again, a pinch louder now. „We can't move them because they're pinned to the ground, dammit!“

Her heart sunk back to the bottom of her stomach as the short lived hope died down somewhere in the pit. She gazed over to _him._

„Bellamy...“

His eyes traveled up to her for a brief glance before he shook his head firmly and looked away. „No, Clarke. No goodbyes or admissions.“

Despite his obvious warning she stepped forward, her brows furrowing in a scowl as she tried to find his eyes again. „What if he's right? And we don't get the chance anymore?“

He took her hands into his palms and squeezed. For the probably eightiest time she noticed how large his were compared to hers and yet how they fit together so perfectly.

„We _will_ get through this.“

She opened her mouth to say something, to disagree and let out all the words that were still hanging in the air between them because there was no way in hell she would ever let him go without saying it but Clarke was cut of by a series of loud gunshots. It was so sudden and startling her hands jerked away.

„He's here,“ Atom whispered, throwing both of them startled looks, before crawling over to the door and looking out of the small window it offered. A small gasp escaped his throat and then he quickly got down.

„Is he – Is he there?“

„I don't know,“ he replied. „But there are people lying on the floor and someone sitting. I think they are wounded.“

She found herself already shaking her head before the idea, that was forming in his eyes, left his mouth. „No, Atom! You will not get out there!“

„But what if it's a patient? A patient we could save?“

„Listen to me, kid, you don't know that. For all we know it could be the shooter and you'll be dead before you know it,“ Bellamy said with a glare, his nails digging into her skin with his hand firmly wrapped around her own.

„He's right.“

„And what if he's not? How are we better than the killer if we refuse to save someone's life out of fear?“

„It's not fear, it's logic! If you get out there, he will find you and he will see where you came from and then all three of us will be dead. For gods sake, think about sterling, will ya?“

„ _For sterling...“_

For a moment Clarke could swear she saw something unfold in his expression but then it was gone and before she even realized what was happening, the young man pressed the knob of the door down and darted out of the room, leaving a yelling Clarke and Bellamy behind him as he made his way down the hall.

„No,“ she shouted, pressing her own hand on her mouth because they couldn't afford to be loud. Not now. Especially not now. „What is he doing?“ She whisper-shouted as she rose on her feet and looked through the window.

„Probably trying to be a damn hero,“ Bellamy shot back and pressed next to her to watch how Atom approached a broken down man sitting on the floor, it looked like he was clutching a hand to his chest. A moment passed and the resident knelt in front of the man. Suddenly something changed and they saw the man rise and hold a gun against Atom's head.

Her heart dropped.

„It's him,“ she whispered and got on her knees to avoid being seen, clutching to Bellamy's skin the whole time. „Bellamy, it's the killer.“

„Stay quiet,“ he murmured as he positioned himself next to her and squeezed her hand. „We have to be really quiet.“

She nodded although there were already tears prickling at her eyes and it felt like her whole body was experiencing an inner tornado as it began trembling violently.

„I'm afraid.“

His beautiful – god, everything about him was so fucking beautiful – eyes fixed her with a determined look and he bobbed his head, leaning in to her somewhat closer. „Don't be. I'm here.“

Clarke swallowed, or at least she tried to but it didn't go past her throat and was left stuck there as a painful reminder of the situation they were in. „I regret so many things in my life, Bellamy,“ she pressed out with a brittle unsteady voice. „But meeting you is not of them. You're one of the best things that has happened to me in my life, okay?“

The muscles in his jaw twitched fiercely and he gave her one of his looks again. But this time his eyes were glistening with unsaid words and things they never got around to do.

„Clarke..you know what you are to me, how I feel about you.“ 

But that was the thing: until twenty minutes ago, she hadn't, and now? Now she would never get around to actually live with this knowledge; that he felt the same for her, that he, too, wanted to spend all of his time with her and freeze every moment kissing her like a hole in time and space because it felt just too good. They didn't get that. 

„I -“ she was cut off by a violently shaking door. Someone was trying to get in. The killer was opening the door and he knew they were inside. His name fell from her lips like a cry and a plea at the same time while they were trying to press against it so that maybe, just maybe he wasn't strong enough and couldn't get inside. However, right when the pushing stopped and they thought it was somehow over, another shot was heard and this time they saw the bullet as it went straight through the material of the door inches above their heads. They did exactly what the intrudor wanted them to and jumped away from it, letting him in, thus giving themselves a personal kill sentence.

When he came in she was still a little out of breath and still recovering from her head accidentally bumping against the banging wall so it took her a few seconds to recover. And then she got back to herself and saw the nose of a gun pointed at her. What was more terrifying than being held at gunpoint was the twisted, sneering face behind it, a face she was able to recognize.

„Carl Emerson?“

-

All of it happened so fast: Emerson holding a gun to her head, words being spit into the air between them, her heart beating wildly, standing up and just following his dull and short orders until she came to stand and find Bellamy and Atom behind them. They both looked equally terrified. But all she could focus on was her single thought running through her mind. _Emerson. It was Emerson. The killer was Emerson? Why? What for? What would happen_ -

„I said look at me, bitch!“

She lifted her gaze and blinked at him numbly.

„Better. See, I want you to watch your world going down in flames just like I had to two months ago."

"It was you. You were the one who looked for me, right?" He had been here the whole morning and nobody knew. Nobody knew what this man would be capable of. 

The veins stood out on his neck as he gave her a slow nod, his face twisting into an evil mask. "That was me. I looked for all of the people I needed and almost found everyone. Except you two." His head motioned into Atom's direction whose eyes widened.

Despite everything in her screaming to just nod and do whatever he says, something urged her to ask the big question. If she had to die, she could at least get to discover why.

„Why are you doing this?“

Clarke saw the way Bellamy's hand twitched at his side but she gave them tiniest shake of head. There was no point in even trying anything. He had a gun and they didn't.

„Do you really not know?“ His voice cut through the air like a thousand daggers.

A head shake.

„You, you and the other doctors, you killed my entire family.“

A frown started building on her forehead as she regarded the man in front of her. He wore a simple white t-shirt and green navy jeans, almost looking aside from the splatters of blood on his clothes. _Almost_ a normal looking guy.

„I'm still sorry for your loss,“ she slowly said, eyes not leaving his gaze. „But your family died because of the car crash. Not through us.“

„ _Wrong_. They died because all of you are inept people, you killed them with your own hands.“ He took a step closer and let his eyes travel up- and downwards her body like she was a piece of meat. „You stupid cunt killed my wife. My two little boys. Just ten years old.“

She said nothing.

„And now you and the rest of the team who was involved will get to pay for it.“

"Please," she heard Atom beg in strangled tone. "We have families. Lives and -"

Her breath hitched in her lungs as the man suddenly turned away from her and pulled the trigger, the shot echoing loudly in her ears. Her whole world faded to black for several seconds when she thought that – that he – but then she heard a ragged breath and opened her eyes. Atom was sinking to the door, hands clutching at a spot on his stomach where blood was seeping out and releasing a mix of sobs and breath.

„No.“

She didn't care in that moment that the gun was back to pointing at her, she just sank to the group and crawled over to Atom's quivering body, scrambling to find the entry wound and trying, fucking trying to assess his injury. In that moment she didn't hear Bellamy's loud pleas and neither did she hear Emerson's furious warnings. The only thing that mattered was stopping Atom's bleeding.

He was shot in the abdomen which already increased the chances to survive. He could make it. She just needed something to stop the damn bleeding, a piece of cloth, a bandage. His shirt under his scrubs would have to be enough so she tore a big piece apart and started pressing it into the wound. But there was so much blood. It just didn't stop coming. It was like a fucking waterfall, but she couldn't give. She just couldn't. Clarke would not give up on her colleague, not when she had the chance to save him.

„You'll be alright, Atom, just stay awake,“ she mumbled to him through a thick veil of tears clouding her view, determined to stop the bleeding anyway. There were other voices and sounds but she managed to fade them out. However, Clarke felt cold metal pressed against her temple after a second and she didn't need to look up to know that it was a gun.

„I'll say this one last time, Clarke. Get away from him.“

„No,“ she shook her head and continued pressing on his wounds and murmuring calm words to the man. „Atom, just hold on, okay? Think of your boyfriend, think of Sterling and hold on, okay?“

Atom moved his head, driblets of cold sweat forming on his temple, and she figured it was supposed to be a nod.

„Fo – Sterling,“ he croaked out, voice shaking with his uneven, stumbling breaths from the gaping wound in his stomach.

„Just think about Sterling and stay awake,“ she proceeded, pressing her hands a little tighter when she noticed his eyes rolling backwards. „Atom!“

„Here,“ he whispered. A wave of relief washed over her.

The gun jabbed painfully into her skin, enough to let out a hissed groan, but not enough to make her stop. She _was_ going to save Atom Deli.

Emerson cursed under his breath, then shoved her backwards by tugging at her hair with a shaking fist but she managed to push back and remain in the same exact stop she was sitting in.

„Please let me save him,“ she begged wobbly, fat tears streaming down her face.

„Oh now you want to save people? Where was this attitude when you operated on my little son Joan? Where was it when my wife died on your operation table?“

Another sob forced it way out her throat and she let out a frustrated sound that resembled one of a wild animal, all the while she was shaking her head because he was talking about it like she deliberately killed his family, like she really just killed his two sons and wife. „I didn't do this and neither did he, and you k- you know this!“

„Wrong. Both of you were the assisting doctors when we came in. I looked it up.“

„Their injuries were too bad, no doctors would have been able to save -“

„Stop lying, stupid bitch!“ His right leg kicked out and met her in the side of the stomach, sending a stabbing pain through her body but her hands remained on Atom's wound.

„Let him die or I will kill you!“

The only thing she did was move even closer and press even tighter.

„Clarke, please,“ this was another voice, a voice that set her heart on fire with love and determination and for the first the time she finally raised her gaze, looking into Bellamy's own desperate and wide, red rimmed eyes that were silently begging her to just listen to Emerson because both of them knew what would happen if she didn't.

„I can't stop, Bellamy,“ she cried and let out a forceful sob that filled her entire chest with unutterable, heart wrenching anguish. „You'll live a long and happy live with Sterling,“ she whispered into his ear and eventually shrugged off her entire white coat since the piece of cloth was already soaked through with copper red color, that smelled like death, anyway. She ignored the way the metal pressed even tighter against her skin.

„Listen to me, Clarke, just let go. Don't let him kill you because he will if you don't remove your hands. I know it's hard and I know you think it's your fault but it's not. Clarke. Just please!“

Atom's pale hand came up to squeeze the arm that was trying so hard to hold on the the little life that was still left in his body.

„It's okay, Dr. Griffin,“ he murmured weakly, his eye lids fluttering faintly. „You can let go now.“

„No, Atom.“

„It's o -“ his breath hitched and she froze in fear when she thought that was it. But he recovered after a second. „- okay. It is okay to let go.“

„What about Sterling? And sky diving?“ Her voice was a mess, just guttural sobs and cries, and barely audible but none of that mattered to her.

„LET GO! NOW“

„It's okay,“ he kept repeating. „It's okay.“

Something inside of her, a tiny fragment of innocence and even hope, just wasn't able to let go and let the life seep out of his wound so she shook her head and kept holding on, even though there was a gun pressed against her temple and even though her grip on his wound was dangerously shaky.

All of sudden the pressure against her skin was gone and for a second she thought that perhaps, he had pulled the trigger and that was what it felt like to have one's brain blown out by a gun. However, she wasn't dead and she only realized in when she turned her head and saw the gun against Bellamy's head.

 _No_.

„Let that stupid doctor die or I will shoot this man.“

Her entire face crumpled at the sight and she wasn't able to fully breathe for a few beats, it felt like the air was being sucked out of her lungs. She almost wished it would because then she wouldn't have to face this - make this choice, decide over who gets to live and die even though she knew exactly how she would choose. It wasn't fair, it was simply not fair. 

„No,“ she cried out and felt her hands break under her, already giving in.

He took a deep breath, stuttering slightly, and let go of her arm. "I understand, Dr. Griffin," hew told her with a quiet ans steady voice, not stumbling over his words and talking without nervous lip biting for the first time since she met him on his first day. Young and naive, so _innocent_. He was still all of that.

 

"Clarke," she said softly. "You can call me Clarke." And slowly she pulled away, stained with dark red blood, and watched with absolute horror the way Atom's chest brutally trembled. It took longer than she thought it would, minutes - minutes of him suffering before it eventually just stopped. His eyes rolled back, his entire body going slack and then – he was gone. She let him die.

She killed Atom.

Pain. Pain. Pain. It was all she felt, saw, heard or even smelled in that moment, everything around her was red blood and the shadow of death looming over her. She was stained with it, literally, as the puddle in which she was sitting expanded gracefully, soaking her in it. Clarke let out a guttural sob and covered her face with sticky hands, not bearing to face Bellamy right now or anyone else for that matter, not even the man who made her do this. Eventually the noises died down, her entire throat closed up like someone was trying to choke her. The tears stopped rolling. It was over, anyway, they had lost.

Absolute heart ripping silence filled the air.

„May we meet again,“ she whispered and stretched out her arm to close his eye lids. Atom deserved, at least, to die with dignity.

Emerson's voice strident voice penetrated her again after her own shattering thoughts stopped echoing in her head and she looked at him through clouded eyes and a wall of anger building in her chest, looked at him like the monster he was.

"Why did you make me do that?" she asked, tone rising fast and becoming dangerously low.

She could hear Bellamy gulp next to her, say her name in a scared warning but nothing in this world made sense to her right now so she just kept going. 

"You are a monster. A cold blooded murderer. You're not better than the people you accuse of killing your family!"

"I'd advise you to stop speaking or the next shot will go right through your head."

Her teeth came down harshly as she clenched her jaw and managed to hold his cold gaze that made the blood in her veins freeze. 

"And how is that going to help you avenge your family, huh? Do you really think killing innocent people is going to make the pain of your loss go away?"

Emerson shook his head and laughed, steadying his grip on the gun. "You don't understand. None of you ever will."

"Because you're a psycho, you're a killer and if your family knew what you're doing right now, they would be ashamed of you!"

"Don't talk about them like you knew them, bitch," he sneered, stepping closer to crouch down to her so that she could practically feel his flushed face radiating next to her, and pressed the cold surface of the weapon against her soft skin under her chin. "I'm serving justice for them. You will feel the loss that I felt. And then you will die just like them. That's what I want."

Despite the immediate danger she was in right now, the fear, that had owned her mind previously, seemed to have vanished. Anger dominated her heart now. "Get on with it then."

"Don't," Bellamy's voice suddenly added in. "Don't kill her. Kill me and she'll lose someone special to her and then get to live with it. But _don't_ kill her, _please_."

Clarke turned to shoot him a horrified look, blinking at his pleading expression. She wasn't afraid anymore because Emerson only wanted her and the other doctors which didn't include Bellamy so he was safe. Correction, he had been safe, because now he was doing the opposite. 

"He's lying," she croaked out and forced herself to tear her gaze away from him. "I don't know him. His death wouldn't matter to me. _He's lying, Emerson_!"

"Looks like one of you is doing just that," the man snickered with a big grin splitting his face while he bared them his teeth. "And I'm gonna find out which one of you it is." Suddenly he moved his hand and the gun was back to pointing at Bellamy, making her heart beat a thousand times faster. "Prove that you are not lying and maybe, maybe I will consider your suggestion."

She wanted to scream no, to yell at him to not do it but she knew that would mean admitting she had lied, and admitting that would have disastrous effects. It meant Emerson would know exactly how much she cared about him and use it to his advantage, use him as leverage. So she just looked pleadingly at Bellamy, looked at him with love and fear and everything that had bottled up in the last months. She loved him, she didn't want him to die. But he would. He would if Emerson knew. 

_Don't do it. He will kill you and then he will kill me, too, and we're both going to die. If you don't, at least you will have the chance to survive._

He looked right back but instead of something that would make her feel better she only saw regret in his eyes. 

_I'm sorry._

What she didn't recognize was that he was telling her that he didn't want to survive if it meant doing so without her. That, sadly she didn't see. 

"I - I can tell you personal things about her no stranger would know," he tried frantically and finally looked away, now fixing the man with the gun. "I can tell you so much about her and you'll realize that I'm far more than just someone in her life."

Emerson was silent for a second, clicking his tongue and then nodding with narrowed eyes. "I'm all ears."

"He will make it all up," Clarke tried to interfere but the man was having none of it, so he grabbed her by the throat with his free hand and squeezed forcefully, so forcefully it started to cut off her airway. 

"Better make it fast or I will kill this stupid girl who never listens to anything."

"Okay, okay, I'm already starting, just please don't hurt her -" the grip on her throat lessened a tad. "- okay, she's only 24 years old and has a whole fucking life as a kiss ass surgeon ahead of her. I know that she started because of her mom, who is one of the finest surgeons in the country. But she also likes painting, and even has a secret room in her apartment with pieces she's done in the past in it."

She thought there were no tears left anymore but apparently she was wrong. A loud sniffle broke through the air.

"She says she likes take out but I know that she loves real food just as much. She loves eating in front of the TV. Chocolate pudding is her favorite dessert and I always bought it for her even though I didn't like it myself. I saw her everyday for months and know every little detail about her. The way she only likes to shower in the mornings but take baths in the evenings. She forgets to buy cheese when she's grocery shopping. She's a snob about TV shows, and her favorite is friends even though it's old and she's got such a big heart, Emerson, when she loves, she loves with everything and -"

"Enough," Emerson barked, the position of the gun not wavering in his hand but his face turning to give her a devilish smirk now. "Why'd you lie to me, Clarke?"

"Please, don't. I will - I'll do anything, I'll stop fighting and disobeying, just please don't kill him," she begged, sobbing, instead of answering. 

"Answer the question!"

"I just wanted-" she started but the strength inside her was slowly fading and she shook her head, trying to get a grip when something occurred to her. Clarke looked up, completely fading out the man and just gazed at Bellamy whose eyes were widened in desperation and yet, soft and gentle when he saw her. "I'm sorry we didn't have more time," she whispered, mirroring his previous gaze and then she bit the arm,that was still gripping her throat. She bit down as hard as she could and got the thing she wanted. Emerson yelped in surprise and jerked his hand away, gun flying in her direction and curses spluttering out of his mouth. Clarke didn't wait for him to start retaliating, she just jumped on her feet and started attacking him. 

Everything that came afterwards happened in a blurry haze. She just started straight out biting, scratching and going at him and she heard Bellamy's voice yell a few times before he went for the attack as well, grabbing Emerson from behind. It was a mess. They didn't have a tactic, they just fought. Emerson sent his fist flying towards her face and knocked her off her feet for a moment. She scrambled back, though, all bloody nose and headache and everything. Bellamy tried to go for his throat. And then the trigger was pulled. A shot was heard. A body crumpled to the ground. Maybe even two bodies.

It all happened in a haze. 

She just knew that something was wrong when she was sinking to the ground and a copper red spot started expanding on her chest. 

_It was supposed to be a good day._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TO BE CONTINUED, FOLKS!  
> Because this cliffhanger is a bit mean and I have a lot of free time anyway, I'll try my absolute best to update in the next days (3-4) so that it's not soooo bad. This is the beginning of the end of this fic btw, so yeah, I'm always saying this, but it's gonna be a wild ride peeps. JUST KEEP IN MIND ITS A SLOWBURN. ALWAYS SLOWBURN which means what it means guys.   
> I'd really appreciate comments and your thoughts on this since this was the chapter and the scenes that I had in my head when I actually started this fic, so this is like the fundamental building block of this fic lol and therefore holds a special place in my heart :')


	16. Bulletproof II

"Clarke?"

The breath in his lungs stuttered, once, twice, until he thought he was going to experience a full blown panic attack. But he rasped for air, albeit with pain in his chest, and sunk to his knees next to her. 

Next to her where she was lying with blood seeping out of the spot, where the bullet landed and her heaving chest. 

"Clarke," he whispered, this time more like a cry because she was lying there and the foggy part of his brain realized exactly what had just happened. Emerson shot her, that son of a bitch _shot_ her. 

She was _shot_ and _bleeding out._

He cursed himself for acting so slowly but when he eventually did, he crawled closer and started doing the same thing she had done with Atom back when she was trying to save his life. Bellamy pressed his hands, that were fucking trembling, on the gaping wound and tried his best to minimize the loss of blood. It didn't really help from what it looked like which made the panic in his chest rise even faster in him, along with the bile in his stomach.

"Clarke, you're okay," he told her firmly, even though the puddle of blood forming underneath them strongly suggested the complete opposite. But he needed her to be okay. He _needed_ her.

"I was - I was shot," she stammered as a  thin line of blood started running from her mouth. His whole throat almost went dry at the sight. 

Bellamy nodded shakily, wanting to cup her face or stroke her cheek but he couldn't. Not with her bleeding out in his own damn arms. "Yeah, yeah you were but we're gonna fix you, okay?" Her eyes just wandered weakly over his face. "You'll be alright, you hear me?"

There was a moment of crippling silence in which she just looked at him. Then Clarke blinked. 

"Why are you crying then?"

He stared dumbly at her, not even having realized that he was in fact crying until he fealt the wetness on his cheeks and a salty, heartbreaking taste in his mouth. "Because you were fucking shot and because you're in pain, Clarke," he answered, attempting not to let her see through the facade, not now, not when she needed that strength. "Because this situation fucking sucks."

A small smile formed on her lips. "It do -doesn't hurt."

No way that this was a good sign. He needed to act fast, _now_ , save her or else she would - god, no, he couldn't even think about it. 

"Okay, I need you to stay awake with me, you hear me? And then I need you to use that smart head of yours. You're a doctor, Clarke. You will help _me_ save _you_."

The whole time she seemed to look at him through a dulled gaze, like she was barely even registering his words but eventually she moved her head, something like a nod and he started acting immediately. 

Before he would try to find another room, he tore his shirt into shreds and used the cloth as bandages around her torso. Next he carefully picked her up bridal style, almost stumbled over Emerson's unconscious body and started jogging down the hallway until he spotted a decent sized room that looked like it had medical equipment in it. He closed the door behind them with his foot and then placed her down, the only thing that had a high surface.

With a racing heart, he allowed himself to gently stroke her cheek with his thumb. "Clarke, we're here."

Her eyelids fluttered open and she looked at him. „I don't think I – I can do this, Bellamy,“ she admitted in a hushed voice and swallowed thickly. It hurt him to hear her say this, it was unacceptable, giving up was unacceptable and her DYING was fucking unacceptable so he just softly wiped away the trail of blood on her face and gave her a firm look.

„Don't you dare give up on me now, princess,“ he said and shook his head. „Come on, time to show off those doctor skills of yours, okay? You have to tell me what to do, Clarke.“

„I couldn't save Atom,“ she whispered with a somber expression, her head lolling to the side like a lifeless object. „Maybe I don't deserve to be saved, too.“

His other hand came up to cup her face so that she would look him in the eye when he spoke.

„Clarke, the only one who is responsible for his death is Emerson. Not you, you hear me? You had no choice.“

She let out a shuddering sigh that made her whole torso quiver and the panic in his chest started to rise because they were losing time; _she_ was losing time. „Tell me what to do,“ he repeated with rising distress voice.

Finally he saw something flicker back on in her eyes and he let out a quiet sigh of relief when she nodded shakily and started talking. „You need gloves,“ she told him. „If the loss of blood doesn't – doesn't kill me, the infection will. Sanitize your hands.“

He did as he was told and jumped up to the other side of the room where he could see a box of gloves hanging on the wall after squishing a load of desinfection spray on his palms. Figuring out he could use the tissues, that were lying around,too, he grabbed them along.

„I'm sterile. What now?“

Clarke glanced up and then down her body, her lip jittering. „You need to -“ a brutal coughing fit interfered for several moments, leaving her looking even more pale and even more weak. „- you need to check the back, see if there's an exit wound.“

Sucking in a deep breath, Bellamy nodded and moved his fingers to the spot where all the freaking blood was coming from and then he carefully, _carefully_ lifted her torso so that he could examine her back. And there it was: an exit wound.

„Okay, the bullet went straight through.“

He could feel her letting out a long breath in his arms and tried to give her something like a smile, attempting to at least lighten the mood (although he wasn't really sure it was exactly appropriate or working, for that matter). „Is this good news or bad news?“

„Good news,“ she replied faintly, bringing up her own hand to lay to hold onto his arm, or squeeze him. „Now you need to find pads, tissues, something you can stuff the wound with so I don't lose anymore blood.“

„Pads,“ he said, already moving around the room on the lookout. „That I can manage.“

„And Bellamy?“ Her voice came out high-pitched and shrill, making him turn around to throw her a pair of raised brows, sweat dripping from his forehead. „Make it fast.“ His gaze traveled to the wound where the piece of cloth was pressed to and he realized that it was completely soaked through, already smearing her hands with copper red color and the smell of death. He let out a small noise and started moving around faster, almost screaming with joy when he spotted the white pads in one of the upper drawers of the desk.

„Got it,“ he yelled and took as many pads out as he could manage, despite his jittery fingers slowing him considerably down. „You just hold on for me, Clarke.“

Instead of an answer or any movement whatsoever he only got silence. Terrifying, paralyzing silence that filled his chest with a pressure he had only felt a couple of times in his life. He thought he would never feel it again.

„Clarke?“ his voice gradually started gaining an edge of despair and he forgot the pads for a second, taking her soft, gentle face into his hands and shaking her. „Clarke, wake up!“

After a beat, that went for far too long and almost ripped his heart into shreds, her eye lids faintly fluttered open, blinking at him in confusion. Bellamy sighed, a deep and relieved sigh.

„Don't you ever scare me like that again,“ he breathed and his shoulders sagged with happiness rushing through him.

„I'm sorry,“ Clarke told him, breathily. „I'm sorry for all the time we have lost in all those months.“

„Stop.“ His jaw clenched tightly and huffed out a frustrated breath because she was speaking like it was goodbye again, speaking like all of it was her fault and completely ignoring that she was bleeding out right now and that ne needed her help to _save_ her. Bellamy grabbed several pads and started uncovering the self made bandage around her torso, speeding up when the blood started flowing quicker.

„You need to be fast, Bellamy,“ he heard her croak out and then her tiny hand was on his biceps again. „I will,“ she started but halted for a few beats to catch her breath. „I will probably scream. Loud. It will hurt me but you will have to keep going. No matter what I say or do, keep going.“

His hand started becoming sticky with her blood and he felt like the world was moving too fast, everything just rushed past them and he was staying behind, with her. He was slowly killing her.

„Any last tips?“

Clarke's head moved weakly but her clouded gaze looked intent and unflinching.

„Stuff it deep.“

Bellamy attempted to compose himself one last time, saying a quick prayer and then he pushed the cotton pad inside her; at first slowly and carefully in fear of hurting her but then gathering speed and force when she started throwing insults at him under her breath for being too soft. He absolutely regretted it a second later when she let out a horrifying, excruciating scream that made the heart in his ribcage sink. But she urged him to keep going and jamming the pads into her wounds, so he continued the agonizing act for another minute, whispering tear-eyed apologies allthewhile.

„Ahhh god,“ she screamed, voice giving in eventually, after the last pad was inside. „Bellamy,“ she panted. „You need to – I need to shut up or Emerson will hear us.“

„Don't worry about Emerson,“ he muttered while he was lifting her body so that he could repeat this harrowing process on her exit wound. „I knocked him out, he won't hear you.“

„What if he – fuck, fuck -“ And she was letting out another gut-wrenching cry but it had to be done. As much as it hurt him to see her like this, he would rather cause her this necessary pain, that would save her life in the end, instead of letting her bleed out in his arms. Not now, not ever. She eventually managed to form words again, albeit coming out completely exhausted and slurred. „What if he wakes up?“

He shook his head before clamming the last pad into the small exit hole, feeling the pain in his own soul and body when she bit down and her teeth and just groaned with tears and sweat running down her face. And then it was over. He had done it.

„But – what if he does?“ she whispered and attempted to lift her head, failing terribly because of her weakened state and well, the bullet that went through her body. „He'll kill you, Bellamy. He knows that I care about you.“

„Fuck him,“ Bellamy growled, standing up to find a decent and actual bandage instead of a dirty piece of cloth. „Where the hell is this thing?“

„Why did you do it? Why did you tell him all this stuff about me?“

There wasn't anything in the drawers, nor in the shelves but then he noticed the box standing in the corner and voilà, bandages. He had never been so freaking happy to find bandages in his life.

„Why did you make yourself a target?“ Ignoring her attempts at whatever the hell she was doing, Bellamy started wrapping the dressing around her torso, swiftly and neat so that it wasn't too tight to cut her breath off, but enough to stop any kind of bleeding. At least, that was what he thought.

„Okay, Clarke. Anything else?“

She shook her head, eyes locking on him and giving him that sad, meaningful look that he hated since it meant she was trying to be serious. He didn't like serious, not now.

„What do you want me to say, Clarke?“ he shrugged and let his hand softly land on the spot beneath her earlobe, moving his thumb up and down. „You know why I did it, you know how I feel about you..“

„I want you-" she whispered between shaky breaths that started to concern him more and more. „- you to say that you'll run. You will – will run if he gets here and y- you will leave me here.“

„The hell I will.“ His free hand clenched into a fist and he huffed out a distraught laugh.

„Bellamy -“

„No, you're crazy if you think I will do that, run like a coward and let him kill you,“ he snapped. „I think your loss of blood made you delusional.“

He could see the flash of anger in her eyes but it just – how could she think that he would ever, even, consider this option? Like the chance to survive but doing so without her was a real choice?

„I can't die not knowing that you are safe,“ her breathy noise told him. „Please, Bellamy. _Live_. For me?“

„Nobody is going to die today, okay?“

„I need you to say it, Bell. Please. Say you will run and survive?“

It took everything in him not to start a thirty minute rant about how little she cared about her own life, how her self sacrifizing was not _cool_ and how unrealistic her expectations were for him, that she actually thought he was just able to abandon her in a situation like this. However, he kept it to himself and forced out a coerced nod.

She didn't need to know that it was a blatant lie.

„But now I need you to promise me something, 'kay?“

Her sheepish gaze wandered over his face and then stopped at his eyes. „Okay.“

„Promise me that you will fight with every fiber of your being to survive, promise me to not give up because, Clarke Griffin, you are a lot of things but quitter is not of them. So keep breathing, keep bossing me around but don't you ever, _ever_ give up on yourself, you hear me?“

The whole time she kept looking at him with stuttering breath and trembling lips but in the end, a miniscule smile started to form on her lips. A smile so beaming and beautiful, despite it's small size, that it blinded him with all the love that he felt in this moment. And then she coughed and splutters of blood landed on her chin.

He cursed under his breath and grabbed one of the tissues, he had taken earlier, wiping the blood away; correction, attempting to. The problem was that she kept having violent coughing fits and more and more blood kept coming out.

„Internal bleeding,“ she barely-breathed after one particular damaging fit.

Bellamy's throat felt like someone was cutting his air off and he had problems swallowing, the reality of the situation was just crashing down on him full force. „Clarke,“ he said, voice husky with sorrow. „Think of your promise.“

„Bellamy, I -“ she coughed up another round of blood and stretched out her hands for him, he immediately let her wrap her fragile arms around him and burried his own face in her neck.

„I wish we had more time,“ Clarke whispered and ripped his heart in two. She was right and wrong at the same time. There was nothing more badly he wished for than to turn time back and confess his feelings for her every time he had intended to but never did. Every morning he saw her get out with a sleepy smile and bird nest hair and he wanted to tell her how beautiful she is. Every time she gifted him one of her rare, wide smiles that outshone the sun itself and he just wanted to yell that it was the most amazing thing he had ever seen. Every word, every little touch of skin and every sigh and every tear he had seen on her, he wanted to show her how much he loved all of those things. Every part of her that she hated, he loved. He never got the chance. They never did.

„We _have_ time, now,“ he insisted with a voice filled with angry tears and a slowly dying determination, because he was losing her. He was losing her in his arms. Even then, she continued being her stubborn little self and disagreed, tried to explain to him that this was it. He knew, of course, he knew. He just wasn't about to accept it.

„My organs – they're dam- damaged. Only a doctor, surgeon can fix this.“

„Good thing we're in a hospital then,“ he joked with every last bit of his strength and then made a rash decision that would either save her or kill them both. Either way, he thought it was worth it. Bellamy slid his right arm under her knees and picked her up.

„Okay, princess. We're going to find you a doctor and save you,“ he whispered into her ear and started walking. After leaving the room he looked around, trying to figure out in what direction the possibility of finding a good surgeon was the highest. He chose left. Unfortunately, there was apparently no higher duty up there helping them since he just kept walking and no one or nothing useful could be found anywhere until he stood front of the staircase and had to decide whether going down was a possibility.

„Clarke, you still with me?“

He felt a tiny movement and his heart slowed down it's rash pace because she was still alive. They _still_ had a chance at life. „What do you think, is going downstairs any useful?“

Clarke stirred in his arms and he looked down, realizing that she looked awful; white as a papersheet and drenched in cold sweat, and her eyes kept closing and opening itself.

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck_.

„Clarke, I need you to listen to my voice and folllow it okay? You have to stay awake,“ he started talking to her on the way down. „Follow the sound of my voice, focus on it and try to stay up. Don't close your eyes. We're almost there. Just -“

„Bell.“ The sound she made was barely intelligible because it was so quiet and so hazy but he could recognize when it was his name that left her lips, he would always.

„I'm here,“ he mumbled, voice muffled against her neck when his grip on her tightened and he pulled her closer to him. „I'm here.“

„I think,“ Clarke's soft voice breathed. „We should stop walking..“

His heart squeezed painfully inside his chest and he had to force himself to halt his steps, throat tightening painfully when he gradually lowered himself on the floor so that he was sitting on the last step of the staircase with Clarke in his arms. „I've got you,“ he kept murmuring and rocking her back and forth like he had used to do it with Octavia when she was little and cuddled into a blanket.

„I'm bleedi – bleeding out from the inside,“ she wheezed heavily and leaned her temple against his chest, right where his heart was pumping wildly against his chest, and against her ear. But to be honest, he wasn't even sure if it was really still beating in there. As far as he knew, he was slowly dying with her. „My fever's up, the a- area hurts and I'm gonna, gonna pass out soon.“

„It hurts?“ He asked with a strangled voice.

„Only a bit.“

It was probably a lie but Clarke would never be the one to admit it and frankly, that was probably not the most imprtant matter right now. Although he wished she would at least have no pain when – when...

He swallowed and steadied his embrace.

„Remember that promise you made me?“

A tiny nod.

„I – I understand if you let go, you _can_ let go if it hurts, Clarke,“ he uttered but somehow could not bring himself to look at her, to look at her and watch – and watch her die because he couldn't promise not to die with her. A silent tear dripped on her nose and he finally glanced down, the palor of her skin was frightening but the corners of her lips were still tugging upwards, even now.

„Bellamy,“ Clarke smiled and his name felt like a punch to his guts. „I – I know that you still feel the guilt of – of so many things looming over you because you're you -“ she tried to laugh but winced in pain instead. „- you have to for- forgive yourself. You're a good man – the best, best I've met and got the pleasure to know and I – I wanted this so much.“

His lip quivered.

„I wanted _you._ “

He blinked, moving his hand to her soft skin on her face. „You've got me,“ he said brittly. „I'm yours.“

„Really?“

„All yours,“ Bellamy repeated with a smile. The sigh of her beaming smile and her loving eyes was too much to bear and suddenly everything in him shattered. He was _not_ okay with this. He was not okay with her letting go. She would die and he couldn't watch the person he loved just die and – no. „Clarke, I know I said it's okay to let go but please – please, can you not die? _Please_?“

Her eye lids pressed close and she let out a shuddering cry, shaking her head and nuzzling into his chest.

„I don't want to go, Bell.“

„Just hold on -“

She tried to nod frantically, wincing in pain in the process. "I was so happy in the el -" deep breath. "-elevator, I wanted all of it - with you."

"I know, me too. Think of, Clarke, think of everything we can still have!"

A loud cough overhelmed her and small driblets of blood landed on her white shirt, adding to the collection of red color. Bellamy could practically see the way she was losing the grip on – it. On life.

„I – I love -“ And a last rush of air came out her mouth, her chest trembled and then her head just lolled back. Just like that.

„No,“ he pressed out, desperation in his voice rising and his arms clamming around the fragile body. „No, no, no, please.“ She couldn't be dead, not just like that, not Clarke – she. couldn't. be. Dead.

„ _Clarke, wake up_ ,“ he stammered, searching her face for any signs of life, for anything. „ _Please wake up_!“

She didn't.

His world faded into a single sound and that was his own sobs echoing in his ears, ringing into eternity, so loud that he didn't even notice the steps and the noises behind him. Not until a firm pressure on his shoulder made him turn around, confused and distraught, and look into Miller's concerned face.

* * *

 

He stared into his coffee cup, eyes glazing over the cream slowly spreading in the brown texture like a dim red color on the white battered hospital floor and blemishing him until the only thing he could see was - no. Bellamy blinked. Letting the cup drop on the seat next to him, he sighed and rubbed his dirty face, still feeling the driblets of dried blood on his skin. 

It had been a long, long day. 

"Hey man," he suddenly heard Miller's voice approaching and next thing he was already sitting beside him, giving him a wary look. "How you holding up?"

He gulped. How _was_  he feeling right now? Everything was weirdly silent in his body, no more adrenaline rushing through his veins, no more fear clouding his mind or sorrow dripping of his chest like the last few rain drops after a rainstorm. It was just... quiet. A big white nothing reigning in his mind and body. Perhaps it was just the fatigue, he hadn't got the chance to really sleep - or rather, he didn't let himself because he was afraid of what would await him in the darkness once he closed his eyes. Or maybe it was just the last 24 hours cursing through his entire being, so much had happened in such a short period of time. So much. 

He didn't know how he was holding up. It just felt like he was - drained. Empty. 

"Fine," he said instead, giving him a silent shrug. 

Miller pursed his lips and gave his shoulder a good squeeze. "You went through a lot today, try to get some rest. But you did good, you know that?"

"I did nothing." He intertwined his fingers and let his head drop, weighting like the fucking world was on his shoulders. 

"You did your best," his friend persisted. "I'm serious, dude, go get some sleep or you'll pass out at some point."

"Miller, I can't go and take a fucking nap, not until she -" his voice suddenly died in his throat and he closed his eyes, sucking in a deep breath before looking to his side again. "Not until she wakes up."

"I get it." He nodded and gave him another clap on the back. "Just take care of yourself."

"Will do," Bellamy mumbled and went back to staring at his hands. Time passed, _hours_ passed. He didn't know how long or if it was night or day, he just knew that when the nurse came by and told him that she was awake, his fucking heart almost exploded from relief rushing through him and that it was the best thing he had ever heard in his entire life. Clarke Griffin was awake. 

He entered the room with a racing heart, and noticed that the emptiness in his chest was gone. It didn't take a lot of brain to figure out why that was. Nevermind his inner conflicts, the important thing was that Clarke was lying in the white hospital bed, blinking in dizziness or maybe confusion, and looking at _him_. 

"Hey," he said softly, coming to stand next to her and carefully sliding his thumb over the skin on her cheek. 

She gave him a tired smile. 

" _Hey_."

"How are you feeling?"

She let out a long sigh, dropping her hand over his palm, that was caressing her pale face, and closing her eyes. "Exhausted, dead inside, like some just shot me," Clarke joked and he shook his head at her morbid sense of humor, although the corners of his mouth _did_ tug upwards a bit. "But _you_ 're here now, so I'm better."

The world behind the windows was pitch-black, only the moon light illuminating the tall buildings outside and the dim hospital light letting him study her face. It took a lot not to burst out into tears at the sight of her; alive and breathing, he didn't even know if it would happen because of happiness or the last 24 hours in which he had experienced more  than in the last twenty seven years of his life. Bellamy had discovered that the woman, he had been harboring feelings for the past six months not only not hated him for it but also reciprocated those feelings, he then had the pleasure to make out with her in the elevator, sadly what followed were.. slightly more disturbing things. He found out there was a spree killer in the hospital, watched a friend of Clarke die and proceeded to watch her break down over it, next he volunteered to die so that at least she would stay alive, got into a fight with said killer and knocked him out so bad that his brain started bleeding, according to the police officers at the scene. The most painful part was still, watching the woman he loved bleed out, try to save her in a painful process and then, despite all of his efforts, watch her almost die in his arms and have his world crumble under his feet.

Well, he had to say the rescue team, which Miller was part of upon hearing about the situation, had come just in time to save her and frankly, him, so at least someone must have heard his prayers up there. 

So yeah, it had been a rough day. He truly didn't know if to cry because of sheer luck or because of the fucking disaster they had been through in one single day but for once he opted to just smile, or try to, at least.

"Clarke, I'm so fucking glad that you're alive," he blurted out with wide eyes and trembling lips. The expression with which she looked at him was both heart breaking and blinding and she spread her arms, so the only thing he could really do was climb next to her and fall into them; fall into her. Of course, cautious not to touch her wound. Clarke swallowed beneath his weight but nuzzled even closer into his neck and breathed in. Breathed out. There were tears, on his neck, on her shoulders, it didn't matter; not when they were in each other's arms and finally together. 

"Thank you," she whispered after a long time of just holding each other, lips brushing against his skin and sending goosebumps across his neck. "For keeping me alive."

Although everything in him told him to just lay still, enjoy her proximity, he couldn't help but shake his head. "I didn't do anything, _you_ saved yourself. You were the doc."

"Still." He could feel her swallow hardly. "I wouldn't have been able to hold on for all this time without you.. I would have let go."

The image of her dying somewhere, alone, made his stomach turn and he clenched his jaw at the mere thought of it. "I hate even thinking about this, Clarke. I got to see you almost die enough times already."

Her chest rumbled with soft laughter and then she nudged his face with her fingertips so that he looked her in the eye. 

"I hope you won't have to ever again," she mumbled before closing the near non-existent distance between them and pressing her lips against his. It was a somewhat weird angle because he was almost lying on top of her but he steadied himself up on his elbows and pushed closer, cupping her face with his hand. God, kissing her was - he had kissed a lot of women in his life, some of them better than others, some of then fucking amazing at it but kissing her - it was something entirely else. He didn't have to think about it for long because every little movement of hers, every little breath and hum, it was it for him. Clarke was _it_. 

"We'll get there," he mumbled against her soft lips, relishing in the sweet scent that surrounded her. Bellamy didn't directly mention what or where exactly because they both knew that the road ahead of them wouldn't be easy. They survived a mass shooting, Clarke survived a bullet but both of them were probably traumatized and still in shock.It would be hard but he was here and she was here and he had a feeling that together it would be a tiny bit easier. She knew what he meant, so she nodded wearily and kissed him again. 

Because their world almost ended, and frankly, they had wasted enough time already.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised the 2nd part soon, so here you are :) Hope u enjoyed!
> 
> As always I am very excited to read what u think about this! Any guesses how the last two chapters are gonna play out? Any wishes or suggestions? Any particular characters u want to see again? Lemmeee know peeps


	17. Already gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the wait but have been trying to battle against this fucking writer's block, now that we're so close ughhhh
> 
> Also, whaaaat 100k words?? This feels like a huge personal accomplishment but damn guys, congrats to reading 100k of this monster-trash-angst-fic <3 ILY

_I think you saw me confronting my fear, it_

_Went up with a bottle and went down with the beer and_

_I think you ought to stay away from here_

_There are ghosts in the walls and they_

_Crawl in your head through your ear_

 .. _._

* * *

"Clarke, oh my _god_ , you have to see that!"

Bellamy turned his head in the direction of the voice, despite being totally aware that _she_ was being called over and not him, narrowing his eyes ever so slightly at the sigh of Clarke joining Jasper and taking over the bud in his hand with a sheepish grin. He could feel his back tense. It wasn't like he was against smoking one, hell, he wasn't probably able to recount how many times he had done it in his adolescent life. But that was already the second one the two shared tonight at the small party, she had decided to throw at her apartment, not to mention the couple of drinks he had seen her mix in the kitchen. 

He ripped away his intent gaze with a sigh and instead stared at the bottle of beer in his hands. It was his favorite label and freshly out of the fridge, but he just didn't feel it. He let it drop on the counter and turned around to join the conversation, he had been passively fading out behind him. 

"No beer?" Miller asked, nodding to the drink that was left sitting there.

Bellamy shrugged. "Not in the mood."

His friend gave him a mustering look for a moment, a new habit he picked up ever since the shooting at the hospital, before nodding and saying something to Monty. Normally, it would piss him off. He didn't need the glass-treatment, he wasn't about to break if someone stared too hard at him. However, he probably understood the sentiment since he treated Clarke the same way. He didn't mean to hover around her to make sure she doesn't end up having a breakdown on her own, just like he never planned to not fall asleep before she did in case of nightmares but he did all of these things anyway and if that was how Miller worked as well, then Bellamy wasn't one to go off about that. It was the mother hen in him. The fucking mother hen.

Monty cracked an engineer joke, that he didn't really get, so didn't Miller but the fool still laughed loudly, slapping his back lovingly and gazing at him like he had just cured cancer. 

It got a small huff of breath out of Bellamy, shaking his head about his two friends that had been in love with each other for - what now, two years? More? Maybe a year and a half? He wasn't sure when all the longing glances and the flirting had started but he did know that it was stupid and they really needed to get their shit together.

Even him and Clarke had managed to pull out their heads out of their asses. He did a double take on his own thoughts since it was somewhat more complicated than that. It was true that they did confess their feelings for each other, it was just that they never really continued that particular conversation in the 25 days since _that day._ But it wasn't weird or something, they didn't  fall back to being mutual pining friends. There was a lot of touching and making out lately, definitely a lot of action between them when he was at her place or she visited him and Octavia in their old house, just not a lot of words. So it was _something_ , he just didn't know what, and the other thing was that no one else besides them knew, not even his sister (and she was technically quite good at figuring shit out). 

It was just them and flushed body parts pressed against each other; them and breathy words whispered in the silence of the night. 

Just when he cursed himself for bringing up all these images in his mind, now, with his friends standing across from him, Clarke herself hopped in and smiled sweetly when her eyes landed on him. 

"Bell," she sang with a high pitched, not quite slurred yet voice, and positioned herself next to him so that she could cling to his biceps. 

"Clarke." He didn't mean to let it come out with such softness, but sue him, he couldn't help but melt when greeted with the sight of a possibly drunk and giggly Clarke Griffin. It just made his heart.. clench. 

She batted her eye lashes innocently, still sending him that beaming smile as her other hand reached behind him and stole his beer. 

"You don't mind if I borrow your beer, do you?"

Actually it did bother him slightly since she was already head in stoned and intoxicated, and he didn't want her to wake up with a raging hangover the next day. In fact, he didn't want her to see in any pain at all ever again. 

"Only if you drink a glass of water afterwards," he replied with a look that made her roll her eyes. Besides them Miller and Monty muttered some excuse about needing to do something somewhere else and ushered out of the room. 

"Always so worried about me," Clarke teased, a devilish smirk playing on her face, before she pushed herself up on her toes and pecked him briefly on the lips. _Again,_ they never made it official or an announcement, but they also didn't make an effort to hide it; like he already said, not a lot of words were involved. 

Bellamy raised a challenging brow and brought up a hand to stroke the pulse point on her neck that he knew made her shiver when his lips met it. "But you love it, right?"

She made a scene to pretend to think about it for a long time. "It is a little annoying," she told him with a put on serious face and nodded for emphasis. 

It didn't take long for his hand to wander upwards and cup her face, drawing him to her so that he could crash his lips on hers and wipe off that stupid, but adorable, look on her cute face. This time, however, the kiss was longer, deeper. 

"What about now?" he asked after pulling slightly away, his breath ghosting over her pink lips. 

"I think I need a little more convincing," she said although it came out way breathier than she had probably expected and a peach pink color graced her cheeks. 

Well, he certainly didn't need any more convincing to do _that_ , so he leaned into her again and shuddered under the touch of her fingertips on the back of his neck. Soon enough she parted her lips for him, allowing his tongue inside and the whole thing gradually turned into a wild make out session in the middle of her kitchen. In her apartment. With their friends hanging around somewhere. 

He hated himself for retreating again, breathing heavily, but they were playing a dangerous game and he wasn't in the mood to be caught mid make out session with her. After all, his sister was present somewhere. 

"Am I still annoying?"

Clarke didn't even wait a mere second to nod heavily and pinch his side. "Now more than ever, just stopping like that when it could lead to much more _fun_ activities..." 

Her eyes were like an open invitation and Bellamy wanted nothing more than to follow but his guts were not okay with that, so he simply dropped his hand from her face and sighed. 

"You are stoned _and_ wasted, Clarke," he informed her, voice flat, like that was some unexpected news for her. "I'm sober."

Her brows drew together and she crossed her arms defensively in front of her chest. "What, are you afraid of taking advantage of me? I may have consumed a little more than you but I know what I want."

"I wouldn't say just ' _a little more_ '."

The scowl on her face only widened and she shot him a straight up irritated look. "What is that supposed to mean?"

 "Nothing," he said quickly, bracing himself against the counter and dropping his gaze. Somehow, he had a feeling this was going to end in a fight. 

"Well, obviously it means something," Clarke snapped. "Since you mentioned it."

"There's just a wide gap between you and me on the sober chart and I don't think it's the best time to -"

"- to fuck?"

Well, he wouldn't exactly call it that. Sex with Clarke was more than just fucking, it was straight up heaven. He would even say it was more like the sappy term love making rather than fucking. Regardless, he simply nodded, not keen on starting a discussion over a _term_.

"Maybe I wanna be wasted," she said with a frustrated shake of the head.

"You do you, Clare." His hands came up in the air and he gave her the I'm-not-saying-anything-look, despite the small voice in his head telling him that her excessive cross-border consumption of alcohol and weed lead back to the inestimable trauma she had experienced three weeks ago. But she didn't need to know that. She was an adult and capable of making her own decisions, he kept telling himself.

The tiny blonde clenched her jaw, and Bellamy was aware that it was the typical guy thing to say but she did look fucking cute when she was mad. 

"Bellamy, you're _really_ starting to annoy me."

"What? I didn't say anything, I didn't do anything! I'm like on my best behavior here."

"That's the problem," she exclaimed, jabbing an accusing finger at his chest. "You're saying nothing, you're letting me do whatever I want. You haven't made any remarks whatsoever  about -" her head was shaking as she searched for words. "About anything. I took a cab to you blackout drunk and you said nothing!"

"Clarke..."

"No, I see what you're doing, Bellamy. You think I can't handle it, right?"

"That's _not_ what I think," he protested with a serious look. 

"Then what _do_ you think?" Clarke demanded, a flicker of scepsis and hurt in her eyes. 

"You're a grown person and if you think the choices you make are right then I'm not the one to stop you from doing them."

"Bullshit," she hissed and took a step forward. "I know you, Bellamy Blake and I know how protective you are of the people you -you care about. I was there when you first met Lincoln and almost had a stroke because of slight age gap. I was there when you rejected Octavia's college money to cover your surgery because you didn't want her to give up her future. I saw you break down over her overdose and now you're telling me that you suddenly lost this certain personality trait?"

Something in him snapped and a wave of anger washed over him. He wasn't particularly mad at her, no, it was just that she almost seemed like she wanted him to be angry, like she wanted them to fight and yell at each other. 

"Fine, you wanna hear me say it?" he said with a low voice. "I think that you've been going overboard with the drinking and the smoking lately. I think that you're trying to convince everyone around you, including me, that you're over it, that you're doing sooo fine and maybe you even believe that yourself but I know you just as well, Clarke. Deep down you're fucking scared, deep down you're terrified of something like that happening again. I mean, you just quit your job. You have the same nightmares just like me. You're traumatized but you're... denying it."

There was a moment of harsh silence between them, Clarke glaring at him with hot anger and clenched fists at her side and sure, he kind of felt bad for dropping all this shit on her but perhaps that was what both of them needed. Words.

"See," she gritted out and gave him a pressed out, wounded smile. "That wasn't so hard."

Bellamy closed his eyes for a moment, breathing out and unclenching his hands at his side because this was stupid. They were stupid. "You happy now?"

"Mh," she mumbled under her breath and turned to the side. 

Again, silence. 

"I think I need some air," he suddenly heard her say quietly. This was not what he had expected to hear. She wasn't supposed to just run away. 

"Clarke, we can't just drop this conversation and pretend like it didn't happen." 

Her head spinned around to face him and she gave him a weak shrug. "Well, I don't have anything to say right now. Might as well go and _try to convince everyone that I'm not fucked up._ "

"You know that's not how I meant it," he said dumbly. 

"I know, okay, Bellamy, I know." She let out a deep sigh, then stepped forward to touch his chest, softly, gently. "I'm trying, can't you see? I'm just - I don't want it to break me. I don't want to be the victim. If I have to pretend to be okay then fine..I'll pretend."

"Of course, I see it, Clarke. It's human to act like that," he told her and squeezed her hand. "But please don't shut me out. Let me help you."

Biting her lip absently, she gave him a tiny nod and then pressed up to kiss him. It was short and far too soon finished, but nonetheless sweet. "I'll call you," she promised, leaning against his forehead for a mindless moment. "Or I'll just come knocking at your door. I don't know, you'll see." And then she pushed herself away and left the kitchen and him. Nothing really happened, save for the long overdue break out they both needed but there was a feeling inside his stomach that told him that something would happen sooner or lather. And whatever it was, he would be there for her. 

 _This_ had started after her first and, to be entirely correct, last day back at work when she burst through Monty and Jasper's doors in tears and literally begged them for some weed to help her chill. Or so he heard, because Clarke never really bothered to actually tell him about it, nor about what happened at the hospital. Bellamy just kept getting to hear about all these infos and sightings of her: Clarke had shotted eight rounds in less than an hour, Clarke had smoked 2g with Jasper alone, Clarke had done this, Clarke had done that. 

And at first, Bellamy let her. He let her the space and time and whatever else she did to heal, despite his worries about the methods she used to cope. They weren't, like, horrible but those were definitely not healthy methods. Grabbing a few beers with friends at the end of the day was one thing, but getting black out wasted and smoking so much 'till she started misplacing lamps for guns and criminals was another. And _that_ was the problem. None if it even helped her. Not in the slightest. 

It was concerning. _He_ was deeply concerned, and yet. Bellamy hadn't said anything because she was her own person and capable of making her own decisions, at least that's what he'd thought. After all, even her mother had said that it would be a bit rocky at first when she had come to raleigh after the shooting, and that was it was. A rocky start.

* * *

 

Turned out his gut feeling was right and Bellamy got the promised call from her three days later in the middle of the night. Only, that it wasn't Clarke who was speaking, and it definitely wasn't the I-miss-you-kind-of call. 

"Bellamy, you need to come here. Right now."

It was Raven's voice that almost shouted into the phone on the other side of the line at 2 am at night. But it was Clarke's phone which meant that she was either not able to call herself right now, or she was injured because something terrible had happened, or she wasn't there at all, or - He really needed to stop that right now. His heart was already beating wildly and since it was still a transplant, it was always more prone to various heart diseases. Like a heart attack. That meant he would die and no use to Clarke anymore, so he really needed to calm the fuck down. 

 _Breathe_. 

"Raven, what happened? Where's Clarke?"

The woman cursed on the other side, mumbling something muffled by the speaker (why was she cursing?) and then she was back. "Sorry, didn't get that. You really need to come to Clarke's place."

"I'll be there asap. What happened?"

"It's kind of a long story," she sighed. "You'll see when you get here, but hurry. She needs you."

The fact that she refused to tell him what happened didn't help with the heart matter at all. However the fact that Raven's voice was still calm more or less and the lack of tears calmed him down somewhat since it meant nothing too terrible had happened. That, or she was a stone cold person who didn't cry when her friends were in great danger. He suspected the first, hell, he hoped with all of his heart for the first. 

It took him a minute to get dressed in an old college hoodie and a pair of sweatpants he found on the floor, and then he was already rushing outside, grabbing his keys on the way out. For the hundredth time in his life he cursed the fact that their house was outside the town, meaning that the drive to Clarke's place took about 30 long and agonizing minutes in which he probably had every fucking possible scenario run through his head. He remembered how easy it was when he still lived with her, but that was back when they were just friends and back before a lot of shit had went down. Moving in with her now would mean something different, it would be a huge step - too huge for them, considering they hadn't even had the talk nor told their friends and family members. 

Finally, he pulled up in front of the tall building she lived in, jumping out and hurrying up like usain bolt himself. When he eventually knocked at the door, panting because of all the stairs he had just ran up (due to the broken elevator), he had to wait a few beats. Why did he have to wait all the time? Didn't the gods above notice that it wasn't doing any good to his health condition? But the door was swung open in that moment and a worn out Raven looked at him. 

"Finally," she breathed and let him in. 

"Sorry, I live outside of town," he explained with a grimace before glancing around, attempting to find his - well, his girlfriend. His Clarke. "Where is she?"

"In your old room," Raven answered, nodding her head into the direction with crossed arms. "It's not good, Bellamy."

"What the hell happened?"

"I don't know, we were at the bar to have a few drinks but then the news on the TV there started reporting about Carl Emerson's upcoming trial and she started acting all.. weird. First she was silent and when the bartender made a comment about the guy, she just snapped and threw her drink at the TV. So we went home but she just broke down completely, saying something over and over about how you were right all along." She brought up a hand to rub her face. "I have no idea. I'm generally not good at comforting people but she's my best friend, I was always able to get through to her. Not now, though. It was like she didn't even hear me."

He sucked in a deep breath and swallowed down the fear deep within his guts that he had since she had been released from the hospital. 

"She tried to stay strong all this time," he muttered, probably more to himself than to her friend. "She finally broke."

"Yeah, maybe. Now go and talk to her."

Bellamy prepared himself with a deep breath for whatever he was about to be greeted with. Then he walked through the familiar corridor and carefully knocked on the door to the room he had once lived in, wondering why she chose his of all rooms. 

There was no answer whatsoever so he had no choice but to intrude her privacy and just open the door. What he saw there made his heart sink.

Clarke was hunched over a pillow on the edge of the bed, the only light that shone in through the darkness was the moon illuminating her numb facial features. Her whole body was still like a statue even when he moved towards and touched her shoulder, even when he said her name over and over while he was wrapping her up in his arms like a cocoon.

After a long and dreadful silence she decided to speak again.

"You were right."

He had an idea what she was getting at but since he didn't want to push her, Bellamy just tightened his grip around her and let her sink into him. For a few beats she squirmed under him but then he felt her muscles finally relax and she fell entirely into him.

"How are you feeling?" He wanted to know from her with a whispered voice. Asking her what happened or why he was right seemed not that helpful in his mind.

Her chest rumbled as she let out a quivering sigh, letting her head fall on his broad chest. "Like nothing," she said numbly. "I feel like absolutely nothing."

"Let me help you."

"I'm not sure you can, Bellamy.."

A heavy, unpleasant feeling settled in his stomach. He swallowed and kissed the tip of her shoulder. "Just talk to me. I'm here."

Clarke shivered under his lips, although he suspected that also might have something to do with the content of their conversation. She was suffering _so_ much and all he could do was watch helplessly. 

"I -" she started and stopped before a full sentence could even reach him. Clarke searched for his hand in their tangled mess of bodies and sighed with quiet relief. "The news were talking about  Em - about him. They were talking about the trial."

He nodded, a sign for her to go on.

"I got very angry."

"I get that," he told her but she shook her head. 

"No, I wasn't even mad at him. He's a terrible person, he killed _thirteen_ people. But the anger in me wasn't directed at him."

He wanted to frown because - well, because Carl Emerson was an awful human being, a serial killer, a cold blooded murderer and every other knsult there was in the world so Clarke, of all people, had the right to hate him and be furious but she didn't, she wasn't. 

"Then why were you angry?"

She shook her head again. "Because I was at a _bar –_ and Atom is somewhere six feet under the earth.“

„It's not your fault and you know it," Bellamy threw in. 

„I don't,“ she said and looked at him with a dull look. „I could have saved him, like you saved me. I was a surgeon, I knew how to treat bullet wounds, I – I could have saved him but I didn't.“

The way she recounted the story made it look like she just decided to let him bleed out instead of saving his life, although that was _not_ what had happened there. There was a gun pointed at her head and then at his. It wasn't like she had exactly much space of action.

„You had no choice.“

„There's always a choice, just never a good one,“ Clarke said before getting off him and coming to stand in front of the wide window and the sight of the night sky it offered. „And I chose you. Our lives.“

He couldn't help but feel a pang in his heart at the implication – that he wasn't a good choice. However, he quickly swallowed that down and tried to look at it from her point of view which did offer some insight, he guessed. From her point of view it was either letting her collegue die and bare the weight of his death on her shoulders, or letting her best friend and the man she had feelings for be shot. Both of these scenarios were horrible in it's own way. None of them were a good choice.

„I understand the guilt you feel,“ he started uncertainly, bracing himself with his elbows on his knees, rubbing his face. „But you can't let it consume you.“

There was a sigh across from him but an unsettling silence that made him want to scream until his face was blue that she had been as much as a victim as Atom, that his death was not hers to carry, that someday it would get better. He stayed quiet, though. He couldn't help her even if he wanted to, he couldn't fix her or this. The only person who was able to do that was Clarke herself. So he got on his feet and walked over to her, close but not touching in case she wanted space.

„No matter what you're going through right now, Clarke, I'll be there.“

After a moment, in which the only thing he heard was his own heartbeat, she turned around to him, expression glassy and stricken. And then she pressed herself against him, her chapped lips sliding against his in a desperately needy kind of way that ignited a raging fire in him. Clarke was kissing like he was the air she needed to breath and she was currently suffocating. It was all tangled hands and messy kisses until they hit the edge of his old bed and she lay down, pulling him along with trembling fingers and quick breaths before she drew away for a beat, glancing up at him in the murkiness of the room.

„You want it too, right?“ she asked him quietly, gulping. „This is not just out of pity or... coercion?“

„Clarke,“ Bellamy said, shaking his head above her. „You know that I want you, in every possible way there is. I would never -“ She swiftly interrupted his planned speech with a deep kiss, running her hands through his curls and pulling him closer so that his body was pressed flushed against her on the bed; feeling the rise of her chest, every little movement or jerk of her hips, every breath, every stiffled moan, every gasp for air.

„Good because I need this,“ she whispered against his lips. „I need _you_.“

He lost himself entirely in her and he didn't mind at all. They were both a little bit broken, a little bit crushed by the world with guilt dripping out of the scars in their souls but together, they almost were absolute again. Their jagged pieces were fitting together.

 

* * *

 A few days after her bar breakdown they agreed on a movie night at Wells' place, him and Raven eager to distract their friend.

„Can you reach over the popocorn?“ Wells asked him, already stretching out his hand so that he could take the big bowl. Bellamy gave a nod and passed it to him, his arm still slung over Clarke's shoulder.

„Damn,“ Raven muttered from the other side of the living room, her head resting peacefully in her girlfriend's lap. „Bob's got it.“ And with Bob she meant Bob Lee Swagger the dude from the movie shooter. Bellamy didn't know what was so .. fascinating about him. He was just a guy with a gun. Lots of guns. The guns were definitely cool but the guy? Not so much. 

„I still can't believe you chose this over inception,“ Wells commented with a loud sigh.

„It's a classic, Wells,“ Raven retorted for the fourth time that day, rolling her eyes because they already had this discussion several times. There were five of them, gathered up for a cozy movie night, and there were exactly two people who had very strong ideas of what to watch. Raven insisited on shooter, the only other man wanted a rewatch of Inception. Bellamy and Clarke were indifferent, only interested in cuddling up on the couch and enjoying each other's warmth, and since Luna was practically coerced to pick Raven's side, it was 2:1. So shooter it was. Wells didn't like it.

Bellamy huffed out a laugh at the two, the two people who he had met months ago but now considered friends. It was weird how many new things and people he had experience since meeting Clarke. And speaking of Clarke, she was unusually still huddled up on his chest, perhaps she had fallen asleep.

His fingers landed softly on her cheek, stroking the smooth skin there. He could feel her stirr lightly which meant that she wasn't asleep, just very quiet. It was weird since she usually liked to comment on every little thing in a movie, a thing he used to find annoying at first and then found to love a while later.

A loud noise came from the TV, then numerous loud and blarring gunshots that made Clarke flinch. Her whole body kind of started to tense up and suddenly he could feel her chest rise with irregular jerks. Something was up, however before he could even ask if something was wrong she jumped off the couch and ran into the bathroom, blurting out an excuse about needing to pee or something.

„Is she okay?“

Bellamy glanced over to Wells, prone to shoot him a look that said _What do you think_ but suppressing the need to let out his frustration on someone else. Instead he got up and said: „I'll handle it.“

The bathroom was around the corner, so he was there in seconds and walked straight in because most probably than not Clarke was not in there to pee. And even if, he had already seen her naked so it wouldn't be that big of a deal for both of them. However, she wasn't on the toilet, instead standing over the sink and breathing heavily, too fast for his liking.

„Bellamy I can't – I can't breathe.“

She was having a panick attack.

In a matter of seconds he was pulling her down on the floor so that they could sit and he could wrap his arms around her from behind. He was actually quite familiar with these kind of things since Octavia used to have them as a child and even nowadays, especially since her relapse at the hospital. He knew what to do, how to act if another person was having trouble breathing and their whole world was crashing down on them.

„Okay, Clarke, try to relax and follow the sound of my voice,“ he murmured into her ear while she was still hyperventilating, panting from the lack of breath. „Can you feel the way my chest rises and falls?“

She made a whimpering noise but managed to nod, her hands grasping at his arms that were wrapped around her.

„Now try to match your breathing with mine, okay?“

He took a deep long breath, stretching it out extra long so that she could keep up, his lips pressed against her hair while they were doing so. „In aaaaand out.“

Inhaling.

Exhaling.

After a while the movements of her chest finally stabilized somewhat, their breathing coming out in unison. He didn't let his hold ease around her and she didn't complain either.

* * *

They always said that time heals wounds but soon Bellamy came to realize that it didn't apply here, not her wounds.

* * *

 

"Why aren't you even considering it?"

" _Because!_ " Her voice was loud and thunderous like a crack in the sky, all the anger dashing out in one single world. "Because I don't need a shrink! Because it was offered to me when I was a surgeon and if you haven't noticed already, I'm not anymore. I'm not a surgeon."

He shot her an irritated look that one that said _you just fucking contradicted yourself._ "Maybe that's part of the reason why you should go, because you simply quit your job without even blinking an eye."

"Maybe I didn't like my job," she yelled with her arms up in the air. "Maybe that is the reason why I quit."

"So you spent five years in med school and then worked two years as a doctor just to, _what_ , throw it away?"

"You're starting to sound like my mom, Bellamy," Clarke said with a scoff, shaking her head which, yeah, okay, perhaps he did get a little bit too intense about her career choices but only because it seemed to him that handing in one's notice was a big sign of not being as mentally well as she claimed to be. 

He let out a big sigh, rubbing his face as he leaned against the kitchen bar in her apartment. "You're right, I'm sorry," he told her, voice fairly calmer now. "You know that I support you no matter what kind of work you decide to do or not to do."

The muscles in her face relaxed but the nod and the "thank you" she gave him were still tight, forced out even. 

"Clarke, I'm just worried about you. I think seeing a therapist is an idea you really should consider, I mean it can only help, right?"

Her brows drew together quickly and the familiar scowl reappeared, one she always used when she thought that he was being stupid or silly. Only this time, it was her being irrational. The whole last week had been a disaster. When she wasn't drunk or high on something, she didn't get out of bed and ignored everything and everyone around her. And then there were the random outburts of emotions. Clearly she needed more than just a hand to hold.

"I don't want to," she repeated for the, probably, fourtiest time. 

_Why the hell is she stubborn about this?_

"Why not?"

"Because." She crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared him down from the two feet she was standing away from him, it made him shake his head in confusion. 

"That's not an answer, Clarke."

"Why do you even care?" She asked him like it was a serious to god question, like she really didn't know why he gave so many fucks about her well being, why he constantly tried to support her no matter what. It was the last straw and made him snap. 

"Really? Are you really fucking asking me this?" His voice got louder with each second Clarke just continued glaring at him and he let out a low growl. "Because I care about you, you dumbass, because I fucking love you and you're not letting me help you!"

It felt like something in the air crackled when he let those words slip and suddenly his heart sunk because it wasn't supposed to be this way. He wasn't supposed to say these words when anger was sipping out of him like water out of an overflowing glass, not when he was yelling at her for being so blind. Not like this. Bellamy bit down the nauseasous feeling that was rising in his guts and rubbed his face with his two palms. 

"It makes me feel weak, Bell," Clarke eventually whispered after a stiffled silence. "I'll be weak and fucked up and - I can't do it."

"Accepting help isn't weak," he grunted through his hands, finally letting them fall and throwing her a look. "Take that from me. I never wanted anyone's help but taking yours.. it changed the course of my life."

When she turned around and started staring out of the window, he let out a frustrated puff off breath. Getting through to her right now was like trying to talk to a brick of walls, basically impossible.

"I simply don't need a therapist." Her shoulders were tense. "I have you," she added, spinning her head so that she could give him one of her shy smiles. Usually, it would warm his heart and he wouldn't be able to resist jumping up and kissing her, however now... it didn't work like this. He couldn't heal her.

"Clarke, I wish you were right and it's just that easy but -" His heart was hammering in his chest. "- I'm your partner. Not a professional that can fix you." 

"Well, fine but you're being just as stupid, you know that? You were there same as me, saw someone being killed same as me, have the same night mares so why am I the one who needs to go to therapy?"

"It's _not_ the same -"

She raised her eyebrows. "Oh, really?"

The muscles in his jaw clenched, but then he sighed and shrugged in defiance. "If I go, will _you_?"

 Her teeth were biting lightly at her lip as she regarded him with a stubborn expression glistening in her face. She didn't answer, not yet. 

"Come on, together?" he urged, after walking over towards her and setting his palms on her arms, his look firm and honest. 

Finally she let out a breath, locking her eyes on his. "Fine. Together."

* * *

 To be honest Bellamy didn't believe that seeing someone professional would also benefit  _him_ , but even after just one session he admitted that he might have been wrong. It wasn't the solution to all of his problems and internal damage over the course of the past years but it certainly did help clear out some thoughts that he never really understood. However his unusual happy mood afterwards was swiftly destroyed when his sister started quizzing him on his relationship with Clarke, which, he figured, he had a long time coming but still, the scorn of her tone and the narrowed eyes suggested that Octavia was up to no good.

"Sooo, you and Clarke?"

He looked up from the book he was reading on the couch and raised a surprised eyebrow. "What about us?" (It didn't matter that he knew exactly exactly what it was about, Bellamy just used the stalling to think about what he was going to say.)

Octavia rolled her eyes, crossing her arms and sent him a few disapproving I-raised-you-better-than-this-looks which wasn't totally fair because _he_ was the one who raised her, not the other way around. "Cut the bullshit, Bell. I'm your sister, I know these kind of things."

With a defeated sigh, he placed the book next to him. "Fine. What d'you wanna know?"

"How long?"

He frowned, trying to come up with a truthful answer. Technically it had all started on the jobi nut tea night but his feelings had it's roots a long time ago, probably some time after he had moved in with her. And then again, it really started in the elevator on that day. Still, what they were he had no idea so it wasn't like he had a real date to tell his sister. "We talked about it on the day of the hospital shooting." 

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" she wanted to know before waving a hand and gesturing towards herself. "Why didn't you tell _me_?"

"It's complicated..." And it was. It really was. 

"Somehow it's always with the two of you," Octavia muttered with a head shake before plopping beside him. "So you are together?"

"Like I said: complicated," he told her, rubbing nervously at the back of his neck. In some way talking about it made him feel antsy because he started realizing how little he knew about what was going between them in fact. He had no friggin' clue. "We haven't had the what-are-we-talk yet, O, with all the stuff that has been going on lately. It's not an easy time for her."

She nodded knowingly. Of course, she understood all about hard times so shortly after own personal crisis two months ago. Now she had recovered, and Bellamy hoped Clarke would too. "So it's a friends with benefits kind of thing?"

"Octavia!" He didn't mean to sound like an embarrassed twelve year old school girl with blushing cheeks but sue him, he wasn't exactly eager to talk about his sex life with his little sister. In general, Bellamy wasn't the sharing and caring type of guy so this only made it worse.

She put her hands in the air and giggled childishly. (See how awful it would be to talk to her about _that_?) "Okay, fine, fine, I won't press any further about you two. I just wanted to know what's up," she explained with a laugh. "You two were never good at hiding your true colors, anyway."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked with furrowed brows and genuine curiosity. 

"Well...it was kind of obvious how you two felt about each other, really, hilarious at times," Octavia told him with a somewhat sad smile. "But mostly painful to watch because you were just too stupid to see."

"That obvious?" He cringed.

"Everyone knew," she laughed and patted him on the shoulder condescendingly. "We had bets on you and - wait-" She halted and her eyes traveled upwards as she thought about something for a moment. "- I believe Miller was the closest."

Fucking Miller, probably the only one who he had actually told. His apartment was the place he had crashed at the first couple of nights after Clarke kicked him out so it was kind of necessary to explain. 

"That's rich coming from a guy that has been dancing around his thing with Monty for a painfully long period of time," he huffed, covering the creeping grin around his edges with a hand. His sister laughed and raised her brows in agreement. 

"You're not wrong about that."

* * *

 

 The loud rustling of the sheets woke him. At first his sleep fogged brain didn't realize what was happening but soon enough he could hear the rapid beating of a heart next to him and he finally jolted fully awake, opening his eyes to Clarke's silhouette sitting up and hugging her knees. It reminded him of eight year old Octavia that didn't want to go to sleep because of the monster under her bed, despite Bellamy's continuous promises that there were none; Clarke looked like that, her posture more wounded, though. 

He braced himself on his elbows and reached out to touch her left arm. "Hey, you're okay."

"Am I?"

A thick bundle of nerves settled in his throat at her words, however he swallowed it down and sat up instead, wrapping both of his arms around her this time and pressing his lips against the back of her neck. "Yes," he whispered, breath ghosting over her soft skin. "You're okay. _We_ are okay."

Clarke nodded shakily, her hands clutching at his arms.

" _We are okay_."

* * *

 

 "We are not okay, Bellamy," her high-pitched voice told him and cut him like a knife made of all the promises and hope he had been holding in his chest. "None of this is okay."

His shoulder slumped against the back of the wall he was leaning against and he threw her a frantic look. _Yeah, we are not okay, so what?_

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying that.. none of this should have happened this way."

Bellamy closed his eyes and let the words sweep over him, even though all they did was cause pain, even though they were like poison. 

"We made all the wrong choices," Clarke mumbled against her hands, face fallen into her palms. Not only did her voice sound awfully tired and broken, her appearance didn't suggest any better. She was wearing one of his shirts that he had given her, but it was crumpled and tainted with old foot crumbs or spots of dirt. Perhaps, because she was wearing it for the sixth day in a row. Her grey sweatpants were hanging loosely above her hips, almost sagging, since her appetite was coming and going as it pleased. Sometimes she forgot to eat for entire days until he came over and shoveled the food down her throat. He looked at her hair, the messy bun she was wearing on her head, but only saw the fact that she hadn't showered for days and it made the golden locks greasy. None of this suggested that they were okay and they probably weren't. Not for a long time. 

"Meeting you wasn't one," he murmured, an exhausted sigh leaving his body due to the lack of sleep he had got in the last 48 hours. But Clarke was falling apart right in front of him, how could he sleep when she did that? " _You_ weren't a wrong choice."

Her eyebrows shot up as she regarded him with a new expression, rampaging fire burning behind her eye lids. "Do you really believe that?"

Without hesitating Bellamy nodded. 

"Yes."

Bellamy was unsure about a lot of things. It took him hours to decide what to order at the restaurant and sometimes he spent twenty minutes choosing a book at the library. He wasn't sure on a lot of things, but he was really fucking sure about her. 

"Look at me!"

"I am. I am looking at you, at us, at this mess, and there's not a single thing I would change, Clarke."

There was a loud crack of silence. Then: "What if _I_ liked to change something?"

He blinked. 

"I wouldn't have talked to you at the hospital. I would have let you walk out after your check up so that you would've been safe and then Emerson would have killed me."

"Don't say that." He shook his head, palms pushing off the wall so that he could walk over the bed, sink to his knees in front of her. "Don't go there."

"All of this could have been avoided," she whispered, although she did it more to herself. "If we just -" A whimpering and frustrated noise came deep out of her throat. "Maybe if we got out shit together sooner, none of it would be like this now."

Bellamy restrained from snapping, although everything in him screamed to stop her from saying things like this. Clarke was drunk, high on night mares and the feeling of dullness gnawing at her, she didn't know what she was saying and yet, there was truth in the uttered words. A truth that was so disgusting it made the hair on his neck stand up in protest.

"Please stop." His voice had transferred from a gruff demand to a silent plea. Clarke didn't hear the plea. All she did was go on.

"I'm just so fucking mad I didn't tell you sooner," she went on, eyes dancing around his room and finger nails scratching at dry skin. "Why didn't I tell you? Bellamy, why didn't I tell you sooner? I wanted to, I felt all of these things and I never said anything!"

He was just watching her now, his heart sinking to the bottom of his stomach and silently shattering at the sight of her, tongue clicking and eyes blinking away long expected tears.

"I should have told you," she repeated before sucking in a long breath, letting the air out again seconds afterwards with a screeching, horrible sound that reminded him of a child crying. "Why didn't I -"

Bellamy interjected before she could go any further, standing halfaway up and pulling her into his arms. The angle was really awkward but hell, as if that mattered right now when she was crying and shaking and breaking into pieces. "Shhh," she murmured into her neck. "Clarke, it's okay."

A loud sob pierced through the room as she shook her head stubbornly. "It's not."

"Why are so invested in this? All that matters is that we know now."

"No," she gulped, wheezing for air. "I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you the day you got the book deal, I was prepared to celebrate and tell you about my feelings."

The memory suddenly washed over him and he had to draw away, the sharp pang of shame  crept up his spine and left a sour taste in his mouth.

"I didn't show up," he finished for her dully.

"You didn't," she reaffirmed with a sniffe. "Why?"

 "I -" His throat closed up at the thoughts that were looming over him. "I don't know."

"What a shame," she muttered with wet eyes before pushing herself up and staggering to the door. "I'm going."

"Clarke -" but the door was already open and she was already walking away. Cussing himself, Bellamy followed her until he was able to catch her arm and spinned her around. 

"Don't just walk away."

"I can't walk away, and I can't stay either, I drink too much but when I don't all I do is stare at the wall, Bellamy. Everything I do and don't do is wrong, no matter what I do it's not right!" Her voice started to sound more and more like a distraught cry until it eventually cracked and so did she, her knees landing on the old carpet in their home and hands clutching at the dusty material as her ragged breaths filled the hallway. "I'm trying all the time b-but it's _so_ hard!"

"Come on," he muttered, sinking across from her and attempting to grasp one of her hands but she withdrew quickly, shaking her head. 

"No, don't touch me!"

"Jesus Clarke, I just wanna help-"

"You can't!" she exclaimed, her voice ringing through the whole house and Bellamy had no doubts that his sister and Lincoln were probably hearing all this. 

"Then what am I supposed to do, huh? Just leave you here?" He was becoming desperate now too, and losing patience. 

"You should leave _me_ ," Clarke croaked out after a beat of silence. 

"Stop saying that for fucks sake," he growled, getting back to his feet because she was making the blood boil in her veins right now. And he didn't want her to see it, not like this, so he rushed back into his room and intended to stay there. Sometimes it felt like she wanted to leave him when she kept saying things like that. The idea alone made bile rise in his stomach but he usually managed to shrug it off. If she wanted to - it was her right, however then she would have to do it and not push him. God, how was this even his reality now?

After a few minutes of calming down he felt his fists loosen up and he decided that he was ready to face her again. The gurgling sound of something disturbed it, though. It came from the bathroom upstairs, and when he followed the noise he found Clarke sitting in front of his toilet with her fingers shoved up her own throat. She started gagging and coughing terribly, but only managed to spit a bit. 

"The hell are you doing?" He found himself asking, frozen in the doorframe. 

It was like she didn't even hear him, she just continued what she was doing until he finally stepped in and clutched his hands over her sticky fingers. "Just stop, god!"

Clarke protested, tried to wiggle out of his grip, even pushed him but he didn't ease. Eventually after minutes of struggling she stopped and screamed at him instead, which, he figured, was still better than trying to make herself throw up. 

"Let me go, Bellamy, let me go!"

_No way in hell -_

"I just wanna go home, okay? I drank, I am drunk and I need the alcohol out so I can drive home! Let me go!"

"Don't you dare get in that car in this condition," he hissed and finally let her go. "Puking it out won't help.."

"So what?"

He bit down on his teeth. "Need a reminder of how your father died, Clarke?"

Suddenly all of her movements halted and she froze in place, gaping numbly at him. " _Don't you -_ "

"What, Clarke?"

She jabbed a finger at him. "How dare you mention my father?"

"I wouldn't need to if you didn't act like this," he pressed out tightly, hand waving between them. 

"I told you you can leave. I fucking told you but you're still here!"

"Of course I'm still here," he exclaimed, chin jutting with overwhelming anger, distress and obscurity cursing through his blood. "I just found you, I can't just leave like that. I don't want that!"

The expression on her face, with which she was looking at him, was somehow dazed and livid at the same time. Clarke ultimately rose from the ground and pointed a finger at her. "This is what I am now, Bellamy. I have vomit on my shirt, in my hair, I am drunk and high and I can't recount the last time I fucking showered because I can't bring up the strength to even do that! I am a lost cause and I don't get why you're still-"

"Get in the shower," he barked, interrupting her stupid speech on how he should leave her for the fifth time today, and firmly nudging her into the direction of the old, rusty shower of theirs. "Get in," he repeated when she refused to move from the spot, shooting him dazzled looks. 

" _What the hell, Bellamy?_ "

Her time to argue was up so he blatantly ignored her attempts of protest and picked her up to carry her the three feet, despite her legs and arms kicking at him the whole time and her mouth firing insults at him like a Bergara B-14 HMR rifle. When they were standing in it, Bellamy let the glass door fly firmly shut and then his hand was reaching over to the knob, that would let the water flow. 

"I have clothes on," she tried to reason, but so did he and he was still turning it on. 

The water started pouring heavily, soaking both of them from head to toe until their clothes were sticking uncomfortably to every inch of their skin. And Clarke was there, mouth slightly agape as her eyes fixed on something behind him, and he was there, genuinely hoping that perhaps the water wouldn't let her see the tears that were slowly running down his cheeks. "This is my life too now," he heard himself saying, making Clarke lift her hollow gaze. He wasn't sure but he thought she was crying, too. 

* * *

 

One day after something broke and Bellamy and Clarke ended up sitting in the shower for a whole hour without doing anything besides from letting the water wash off their invisible scars, Bellamy bought a bottle of rum and drove to her place. She wasn't there when he opened the door with the spare key, that she had given him back, and somehow the utterly shitty plan what to do with it started to crumble. Actually, he had wanted to show her the bottle and then let her smash it like a sign for the dark times that were behind them, or maybe still ahead of him. It was cheesy, yeah, but he _was_ a writer, after all, he couldn't help the poetic touch that came along. 

However, it got late and she still wasn't there, and somehow his idea turned from smashing-it-to-overcome-our-past-mistakes to fuck-the-world-I'm-gonna-drink-it-all-by-myself. It wasn't clever, in fact it was fucking imbecile but so was his life lately, and being this fuck up of a human being not only included cheesy, metaphoric gestures but also dumb, self-destructive choices.

Bellamy drank.

::

It had started out with an innocent thought plopping into her head, one day, after a particular draining day of rotting in her unwashed sheets and ignoring the way the world was still turning around it's axis, even though she had stopped long ago. 

_I could just leave._

And she shooed it away, because a girlfriend and a good friend shouldn't have thoughts like this, however damaged she might be. It sufficed for the time being. She didn't think about it even if that might have been due the fact that her mind was completely blank like an empty sheet of paper, so it wasn't like there was going on a lot of thinking anyway.

However, the chaste notion formed into a thought-out, determined concept when she came home one day and found Bellamy Blake half dead on her couch. A whole bottle of rum in his system, leaving him a mindless, slurring mess. To drink that amount of alcohol was probably dangerous for anyone, but to do it with a transplanted heart sitting in one's chest, on daily medication that suppressed one's immune system, _that_ was catastrophic.

That was what pushed her to make the decision in her head, what made her realize that her actions were affecting everyone around her too. Clarke was a time bomb, about to go off any minute and take the souls of her beloved ones with her. 

She screamed at Bellamy with angry and terrified tears streaming down her face, she screamed until her throat was hoarse from it and until he started crying too but even then none of what she really wanted to say to him was vocalized. Clarke told him how stupid it was, how little he cared about ruining his own life, how it made her lose her head seeing him like this and somewhere along the way she realized that all of it was applying to none other than herself. 

She had done this to him. 

And that was why she had to go. Because her reckless behaviour lately was not only affecting his whole life too but it had rubbed off on him as well, which was he made things like drink a whole bottle of rum on his own. That was what she did to people. 

Clarke was like poison.

That night Bellamy got an infusion, she kept at her apartment from the time she was a doctor, and numerous check ups if he was still alive. And when she was finally convinced that his heart wouldn't stop in the middle of the night, she crawled to him on her bed and held on for dear life because god knew when she would be able to do it again. She was about to leave, after all. Him. And everyone else, too. 

-

Next day, Clarke woke up with his strong hands draped around her waist, their legs tangled messily together. His musky scent along with a hint of residual alcohol swallowed her whole and she pretended to be a normal person for a moment. It honestly felt good but then she remembered the reality and quickly wiggled herself out of his firm grip, quietly slipping off the bed and tiptoeing to the kitchen. She wasn't hungry, she just needed space to think about how she was going to pull this off. And if she still could.

She decided she couldn't tell him. It would hurt much more than necessary and make everything harder. She would just have to leave something behind for him.. an explanation. That meant this would be their goodbye, or at least her goodbye. For him it would be just another morning after a night of horrible choices. 

"Morning," Clarke heard him grumble behind him just as she was preparing a huge cup of black tea for him. The muscles in her body tensed, heart starting to pump faster and suddenly a wave of doubts and anxiety washed over her. 

 _I have to, for him,_ she thought and forced out a light smile, spinning around and offering him the hot beverage. "In case you're hungover," she remarked dryly. At least she could use last night as an excuse to act distantly and weird. 

He averted his gaze, presumably in shame, but took the cup anyway. "Look, I'm sorry," he said before taking a testing sip. "I - I shouldn't have done that."

Clarke nodded briefly and turned around, pretending to make breakfast when in fact, she couldn't bear looking at him without feeling like the worst human on the planet. Which she probably was anyway. "You should be," she replied with her voice fairly aloof. "You could have died, Bellamy. A whole bottle of rum can kill anyone, especially people with a transplanted heart."

"You're right," he huffed, a tired sigh escaping his body. "I was desperate. And reckless."

"And stupid."

"And stupid, yeah," Bellamy agreed. She guessed that he was either running a hand through his curls, or rubbing his face, both habits of his when he was nervous. However, she didn't allow herself to turn around, somehow she had a feeling it would rip her heart in two. 

"Never do it again. Please." Her movements stilled as she let the knife, that had been used to cut tomatoes into slices, drop and finally took a tentative step to the side, catching a glimpse of his frowning expression on his face. "Can you promise me not to do it? Not ever again?"

His adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed thickly, eventually he gave her a reluctant nod. "I promise you," he said before adding: "We're alright, though?"

Now it was her turn to gulp and she swiftly returned to cutting vegetables for the sandwiches she was trying to make. "Depends on your definition of alright," she joked morbidly to make the lie sound less betraying. "But yeah."

"Good," Bellamy let out a relieved puff of air, she could hear that much from where she was standing but Clarke was almost able to feel his soft smile on her back. And fuck, did it make her heart shatter.

They had a lazy breakfast full of unhealthy, fatty food and lots and lots of coffee and tea. Clarke pretended to be fine for this one time and almost believed it herself. It only started to come apart when he was standing at her door, ready to go home and change his smelly clothes and meet up with his agent. Clarke didn't even notice it at first, only when a concerned scowl made it's way onto his face and he wiped at her face with his thumb. Tears. She was crying. 

"Clarke," he said, her name bleeding on his tongue. "What's wrong?"

She quickly shook her head and hastily cleaned them away with the sleeve of her hoodie. "Nothing, nothing," she mumbled, forcing herself to look him in the eye. "It's just - I almost lost you yesterday. I don't wanna ever feel this kind of pain again."

"You won't," said Bellamy with warmth in his voice. "It was stupid, I was, but it won't happen again."

"Okay," she smiled and before she had to tell him any more lies, her hands stretched out to his neck and Clarke pulled him down to a last kiss. An earth shattering, soul crushing last kiss. She tried to memorize every detail. "Okay, you should go now," she murmured against his soft lips and then she let him go. Bellamy said goodbye and left through the door. 

Now she only needed to pack her things.

-

It took a few hours to prepare everything, write down important things and letters and it was already dark outside when she finally looked at her small bag on the bed. And just like that she was ready. The bag, which only contained the most important things like her wallet and passport and a few changes of underwear, was packed. Clarke could go. 

But it wasn't that easy, not if every inch of her apartment reminded her of everything she once had and all that she would leave behind. That was how she ended up just sitting on the sofa for an unknown amount of time, staring at the cofeeish carpet, reflecting. The decision had been made long before, she would leave. She had to leave. It was a painful, fucking hard necessity that had to be so that everyone could go on with their lives but Clarke couldn't stay, not with her trauma weighing down everyone else around her, too, not with Bellamy suffering. 

She stood up, grabbed the black bag with her knuckles standing out from her tight grip, and took one last look around her. 

_Goodbye._

Clarke was just about to reach for the doorknob when it suddenly opened right in front of her. 

_Bellamy._

He came in looking like a mess, hair sticking into every direction. His white shirt was crinkled on the edge, apparently he didn't have that change of clothes he talked about. And yet, despite storming in like a chaotic storm he still looked - good. He looked like Bellamy. But then he mustered her for a split of mere seconds and his tired look crumpled from exhausted to heartbroken. 

"You're leaving," he stated slowly, door falling loudly shut behind him. 

Clarke bit her lip and took a deep breath. She had no idea why he was suddenly here again, how he knew, how he found out what she was about to do just by a mere glance. He just did. 

"Yes." It came out like a whisper.

 Bellamy shook his head like he didn't quite believe what he was hearing, like he could make the words go away by just denying them. "When?" he asked and then took a step forward, eyes frantically searching for her but she refused to meet his gaze because that would make everything a million times harder. "Where do you wanna go? Fuck that,  _why?_ Why are you leaving?"

"Bellamy..."

"Clarke," he said stubbornly and was now close enough to cup her face with his big palms and make her look at him when she broke both of their hearts. " _Please_."

"I can't," she sniffled, tears already prickling at her eyes. "I can't stay, I'm sorry."

"Is this because of me? Because of what happened yesterday? I'm sorry -" he couldn't find the words for a moment, searching for them with wide, sad eyes. "I'm sorry, I told you it won't happen again."

"It's not you, Bell," she whispered, pressing her eyes shut because it hurt. Everything was aching right now. " _I'm_ a mess. _I'm_ fucked up and I can't keep doing this to everyone around me, to my friends - to _you_. I'm poison."

"No, you're not -"

"Yes, I am." Her voice sounded like a shrill, broken thing and she had to tear herself free from his hands and from his look and from his love that was making all of this harder. This was the exact reason why she wanted to leave without a goodbye, why she figured a heartfelt letter would be better than the kind of goodbye that killed you from the inside out. 

"I am poison," she repeated, a bit more stable this time and with more distance between them. "I mean, look at what happened to us. You almost killed your own heart, Bellamy, and only because I can't seem to let go of my trauma."

"We both went through the same experience, it's normal to have a hard time after a thing like -" his hand waved around. "- like that. After a fucking mass shooting. After nearly being killed. You don't have to do this alone."

Clarke shook her head. "But you don't act crazy like me. You experienced it but _you_ overcame it."

"Because you helped me through it," he said, brows drawn together in irritation.

"So did _you_ ," she retorted and shook her head. "You were there for me every second in the last weeks - hell, you even bathed me like a fucking baby in the shower when I wasn't capable of even doing that. And yet here I am, still feeling like something is fucking broken inside of me."

"Healing takes time, Clarke!"

"And it takes space." She pressed out a wounded smile and regarded the man in front of her. "You have such a big heart, Bellamy. You still want me even though I'm not good for you, even though I've been crap to you and I wish I could have been more than that, more than what I've been lately. I wish, but I'm not. I _have_ to leave."

Clarke could see the muscles in his jaw clench tightly at her words and his deep eyes gained a new edge of coldness. 

"So you were just planning on leaving like that?"

She deserved that. Biting her cheek to restrain from doing anything she shouldn't like trying to explain her train of thoughts to him, she nodded faintly. "I'm sorry," was all she could utter. 

"After everything we've been through, after what you said to me this morning, you just planned to leave. Not even a fucking goodbye." They were harsh, anger-driven words but Clarke knew how he meant it, she tried not taking it to her heart. Of course, failing gloriously. A heavy pressure in her chest was begging to be released, filling her up like a deadly virus. Only that it was love, love that was turning into heartbreak. 

"Bellamy, I - " the three words were on the tip of her tongue, but while she was looking at him with those glassy, brown eyes and the pained expression, she reconsidered the choice of words and whispered "I'll go now" instead. Saying these words and then leaving wasn't fair, not to him, not to her, not to anyone. All it would do was cause even more pain, and they already had enough of that, mind you. So she swallowed it down, raised her chin and then pressed herself into him, arms coming around his neck one last time. Despite his anger at her, he wrapped her up in his warmth like always and for a second it felt like everything was normal. But it wasn't. Clarke had to pull away eventually, halting in front of his close face and making a hard choice yet again. Instead of a real kiss, she only pressed one on his cheek. 

"May we meet again," she murmured against his skin and then she was giving him one last teary-eyed look before numbly pushing past him. Walking out of that door. Out of his life.

They didn't get the chance to become what they wanted. Life took that away from them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Badum tsss. 
> 
> I am deeply sorry my loves, I really should have warned you that this fic will contain 98% angst and when I mean angst, dark, morally grey kind of angst. I know all hope is kind of lost, everything sucks and wtf she just left ?!?!?! BUT! But we have precisely one (1) chapter left which means there is only so much that can happen in it *wink*. After all, this is a fic on ao3 so happy ending will be there in some sort of way. That's all I'm going to say about this, but I still hope you enjoyed? And I'll be happy to hear what you think (or how your hearts slowly broke). I'll try to be a bit quicker with the last update but I think it will be a long one so no one knows ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
>  
> 
> [Cry with me :)](http://iseeyoou.tumblr.com/)


	18. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was, like, my fav Chapter to write but I can't believe we're actually done?!??! Anyway, before you have to listen to my emotional rant about this fic, enjoy the last chapter!!!
> 
> Alsoooo strongly recommend listening to: And there she was by the solids !!! (Just put it on when you notice you're coming to an end, like 5 min before that)

_I swear that even with the distance, slowly wearing out your name_

_Your hands still catch the light the right way and_

_Our hearts still beat the same_

_..._

 

**5 MONTHS LATER**

Her fingers nervously tapped on her steering wheel as she pushed herself up in the seat to see why that god damn traffic light was taking so long. Clarke didn't know why she felt so impatient today, it wasn't like anyone was waiting her. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Nobody probably expected Clarke Griffin here on this particular windy day. A quiet noise made her tear her gaze away from the street and look at the passenger seat. 

"You're tired of waiting too, aren't you buddy?" she cooed in a baby voice, stretching out a hand to rustle through his fur. The dog, that was sitting there, leaned happily into the touch and gave a small bark of approval. "Yeah, you are, good boy! You're a good boy, aren't you buddy? Huh? Who's a good boy? Yeah, you?"

The car behind her suddenly honked and she glanced back at the street, finding that it was green now. "Relax asshole," she said to the rear view-mirror and started driving, occasionally glancing to Buddy or out of the window. Everything outside looked so different and simultaneously, just like it had been before she left. After a moment she decided, though, that aside from the seasons the city was still the same, _she_ was the one who was changed. 

It took her another ten minutes to get to her aim, a fairly modern bookshop that had been opened a few years ago. Clarke took a deep breath, already feeling the anxiety rise up in her stomach, and reached out a hand to her puppy. Well, technically he was one year old so not really a puppy anymore, but in her heart he would always remain a puppy. No matter what size or age. Buddy licked her hand happily and her breathing calmed after he let out a small "woof". 

_Time to face her past._

::

"It's M-I-C-H-A-E-L-A," the dark haired girl in front of him spelled out and gave him  a wide grin. "I just wanted to tell you how much I love this book, I've already read it three times."

Bellamy huffed out a quiet laugh and tried to cover his smile with a manly cough. He definitely had to work on accepting compliments. "Thank you, Michaela," he said and scribbled his autograph on the book cover, _his_ book cover. "It means a lot me." She gave him another happy look before another unfamiliar face appeared in front of him, wanting an autograph.

He personally thought it was crazy that people showed up just to see him and get their books signed, after all he was just a someone. A someone who wrote a book. A book that got strangely popular after a few months and left him with a lot of readers, fan mail and well, even money. And there were exactly two reason for this huge success, one of them his ass kicking publicity manager Emori, and the other one his tragic involvement in a hospital shooting. Three guesses which one of them bothered the hell out of him. 

Emori Desert was a genius with the tendency to do things the immoral kind of way to get what she wanted. She had advertised the fuck out of his book, sold it to the right audience in corners nobody expected it and voilà, it had already sold over 100,00 hard copies. However, her most clever and, probably, most vicious trick was to not only sell his work but him. Bellamy and the way he had survived in a mass shooting. Bellamy and his a standoff against the serial killer. At first, it made him angry. The fuck ton of shit he had gone through were not something to brag about, especially not when it reminded him of everything, and _everyone_ , he had lost in the process. But soon enough when the sale started rising exponentially, he just shut his mouth and let his publicity manager to the magic without another remark. It was still weirding him out, but the possibilities he had with all the money overshadowed the weirdness. Bellamy would be able to pay off Octavia's entire college debts, probably even buy her a fucking apartment and maybe even a car and the thought of it made him unbelievably happy, so screw his discomfort. It was worth it. 

After another fifteen minutes of writing his signature over and over Bellamy got tired eventually, and there was a cramp in his hand. He reached out for the bottle of water next to him on the table and took a few sips before frowning at the book and then at the young boy in front of him. "Phillipe with two l's or two p's?"

"Two l's," he replied and nodded eagerly when Bellamy wrote out his name, hopefully correctly spelled. "Thank you, Mr. Blake. When I grow up I want to be just like you!" And before he was even able to say something in return, or break out in tears at the cuteness, the boy was already running away full speed. The whole scenario was honestly too adorable to process that Bellamy didn't even notice the familiar face stepping in front of him as he nudged the glasses on the bridge of his nose upwards. At least, not until he heard the voice.

"Nice glasses, you old man."

His heart probably made a triple salto in his chest as he lifted his gaze, and in front of him was standing none other than Clarke, fucking Clarke.

::

"Nice glasses, you old man," she joked, or at least attempted to because a simple 'Hello' or 'Hey' would have been too awkward after five months. And she had sworn to herself to remain calm when seeing him again, had sworn that this time it would be different, however all of these promises were set aflame the second she saw his face again. His chestnut eyes that were making her feel like she was falling into the ocean when she looked in them. The universe of freckles gracing inches of his olive skin. Even his clothes, or the messy mop of curls were exacerbating the ability to breathe right now. 

"Clarke," his hoarse voice croaked out after a dragging moment in which all they did was stare at each other, full on gaping for sixty seconds. "Wha - what are you doing?"

Okay, well, she had probably expected more of a 'hello' than this, but she figured the question was.. justified. She had been away for a long time and now she was here, and if somebody would have asked her five minutes ago she probably would have been able to give them a calculated, five minute long answer with explanations, examples and evidence for the reason she was here. Now however - she suddenly found it very hard to speak, let alone use her brain coherently. So she started stammering like an idiot because she didn't know why she was here exactly, why she was back and it made her anxious. 

"I - um - I wanted to see you." Someone behind her let out an impatient sigh and a click of their tongue. That somebody was probably very annoyed to wait for that long to get their turn. "To talk to you," she added and opened her mouth to, at least, use some of the planned text in her head. However, Clarke didn't get that far as a long black haired woman with a face tattoo gave her a plastered, devious smile and urged her to move. 

"Come on, girl, everyone wants a turn." 

"Emori, I know her," Bellamy started saying but she shook her head quickly and apologized. 

"I'm, uh, sorry, this was a stupid idea," she murmured before looking at him again and pressing out a tight smile. "I can wait until you're finished. If you want."

She could basically see the moment of hesitation flickering in his eyes, and a rapidly rising panic spread out in her chest. What if he didn't want her to wait? What if he hated her more than anything in this world, and wished that she would die rather than talking to her again? Or perhaps, he had already forgotten her and - 

"I'll be done in half an hour," he said quickly before he was already facing away from her, talking to some fan of his and pushing out false smiles and nods. It was just an information, but enough to know that Clarke had to be here again in 90 minutes if she wanted to talk to him. And she would be.

She would. 

-

During the time she spent waiting Clarke got herself a latte at a small café nearby, drove to the park to let Buddy run around for a bit and enjoy the rare rays of sun in the biting wind and eventually returned to the bookshop. And she was still too early, despite her attempts to pass time. So she settled on an old, wooden bench and patted the seat next to her, signaling her puppy to sit there. When he saw it he obliged happily, jumping up and running his slightly moist snout through her palms.

"Are you excited to meet Bellamy, Bud?"

His ears perked up at her voice but he continued sniffing and licking her.

"Are you? Huh?" Her voice turned into this ridiculous, high pitched, infant voice whenever she talked to him, or any other animal for that matter. Clarke hoped Buddy didn't mind that she was treating him like a small toddler although he had been almost grown up when she got him months ago. It were those big, black eyes that had looked at her back in the shelter, that had convinced her to get him. Well, 'convinced' was a slightly exaggerated word, considering it was one glance at the thin, quiet lab pupper with ash brown fur and her heart was sold. Clarke had turned around to Roan with conviction in her expression and said, "I want this one."

Buddy suddenly stiffened under her touch, a habit he had when he saw strangers approaching, and Clarke's head snapped around on the search for Bellamy. But it was only a middle aged woman with a bob, who sent her a judgemental glance at the way anxiety was written on her features. She sighed and returned to petting her dog after sneaking a quick glance at her watch. His signing session was supposed to be over for five minutes now but he wasn't here. A new wave of dreading anxiety overcame her as she started running through the possibilities in her head. It wasn't even an exaggerated assumption to think that he decided not to come. It was his full right not to show up and talk to her after everything she had put him through. But - yeah, Clarke had held on to the small fabric of hope that maybe, maybe he would give her a chance and hear her out. That might have been the optimistic voice in her head talking, though, that she had acquired in the last months. Perhaps, Bellamy truly didn't want to see her.

"Clarke," she heard all of a sudden and this time it wasn't a mistake, it was _his_ voice and _him_ , who was now standing behind her. Clarke's back tensed but she forced herself to relax before standing up and facing Bellamy. 

"Hey," she croaked out, voice trembling ever so slightly with all the memories and feelings rising up to the surface. "Thanks for meeting me, or agreeing to talk to me, I mean. I really appreciate it."

His eyes were fixed on her the entire time and he stayed silent for a moment after her blurt out 'greeting. 

"Why are you here?"

This time it wasn't spoken with complete surprise and uncertainty dripping out of his voice, but rather with a sharp edge and an icy coldness that made her heart clench. 

"I wanted to make things right," Clarke replied reluctantly. "Between us, you know. Talk about things."

Bellamy raised a daring eyebrow, crossing his broad arms in front of his chest. "'Making things right', huh?" he echoed snidely, scorn in his voice. "So after half a year, thousands of unanswered, ignored voice mails and texts you have decided to suddenly talk to me again, just return like that?"

She had to swallow heavily after his outburst, trying to recover from the words that were stinging in her chest like sharp needles. Of course, Clarke hadn't expected a welcome home party with hugs and kisses and shit, however she had hoped for a little more compassion, maybe? Okay, yes. There were a lot of things she could have done differently bit - she stopped herself and shook her head . One of the biggest lessons she had learnt from Roan was to end the endless, mental conversations with herself and start uttering her thoughts to the people around her instead. "I'm sorry," she pressed out. Clarke opened her mouth to say something else but suddenly, she felt something raspy and wet touching her hand and looked down to find Buddy by her side.

Once again, she was eternally grateful for this small, kindred creature that had been accompanying her for some time now. Clarke knelt down and wrapped her arms around Buddy, not even giving a damn about how funny or pathetic it looked  like in that moment. When she looked back up Bellamy's posture was slightly less tense, and his face was, in fact, almost slack with surprise or something like that. 

He nudged his head towards the dog. "Your dog?"

"Yes," she nodded and ruffled his thick fur. "His name is Buddy. Buddy this is Bell, the one I told you about, yeah? Bellamy? You remember his name, huh?

Buddy craned his neck to the man a few away from them and started wagging his tale excitedly when Bellamy took a a few steps and sank to his knees in front of him, stretching his palm out. 

The sight of her dog and Bellamy bonding made her heart flutter lightly, and simultaneously gave her a spurt of confidence to speak again. 

"Look Bellamy," she said and gazed at him, a loving smile playing on her features without even noticing it. "I know it's not entirely fair of me to just show up one day with a dog and a new haircut and expect you to talk to me, or even forgive me. I understand if you don't, but I'm kinda here now and it would bug the hell out of me if I hadn't come to talk to you since you're the one person I couldn't bear not seeing -" she huffed. "- well, next to Raven." His facial expression softened somewhat. "So I don't have any expectations, I know I fucked things up the last time, I know that not everything I did was good. I wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry, and I hope that... maybe someday you won't hate me anymore, that you will be able to forgive me somewhere in the future."

"I don't hate you," he corrected her quickly, eyes still locked on hers. 

"You don't?"

Bellamy shook his head, and leaned back with a sigh. "I mean, you left me, Clarke. You broke my heart." _And broke my own in the process too_ , she thought. "But I don't hate you, I don't think I could even hate someone I once lo -" he shut his mouth swiftly, and dropped his gaze on the faded grass beneath his feet. Clarke had to close her eyes for a moment too. "- you know," he finished awkwardly. 

"Thank you. For not hating me." A shy smile crept up the curves of her mouth. "I don't know if I could have handled it if you did."

A tired nod. 

"I understand why you left," he told her, voice wavering with thick tension and bygone hurt. 

"I couldn't stay," she shook her head and tried to repress the dull ache reappearing by focusing her attention on Buddy, who was playing with a stick. "I couldn't live with myself anymore, not here."

There was a suspicious silence that made her look up again, and Clarke noticed that some of the bitterness in his eyes was back, pinning her down with a firm look and making her choke on air with the guilt she felt. 

"I simply don't understand why you never called back. Not even once." He rose from the ground awkwardly, and shifted slightly, placing his hands in his pockets. "I didn't even know if you were still alive," he admitted quietly and turned his face to look somewhere else, peer off into the distance. Gaze at everything but her.

She gulped again, trying to stifle the delicate anguish of the past blooming in her like a thorny rose that was cutting her intestines up from the inside. "I'm sorry, Bellamy," she whispered. "I should have - contacted you."

There was a moment in which Clarke didn't know what would happen, if he would continue looking at her with this heavy gaze or if he would start yelling, or perhaps just shrug and pretend like this never happened. Instead he gave her a nod, something like comprehension in his eyes but clouded by the still present pain she had caused him. But it was there, and it was a start. 

"I guess we can't change it now, can we," he muttered, rubbing a hand on his temple. 

"No, we can't," she agreed. 

"But - you're back now, not just stopping by?"

"I'm back."

"For good?" She nodded, but involuntary had to think back about her plan before she had started driving. She hadn't known then whether she would stay, or if she would reach her aim at all. Merely ten hours ago she talked with Roan about her trip and the two of them decided that returning was a vital part of her healing process; finishing open chapters, having the talks that had never taken place but _should have_ and most importantly, apologizing to Bellamy for, well, for everything. First, the trip back to Raleigh had been about closure, now it was.. something else. A feeling inside her stomach told her that she was ready to face the demons that she had left behind in this city. Perhaps, it also meant staying here and starting a new chapter. However, Clarke simply nodded and that share of her decision was the only important thing now. 

Bellamy let out a nervous breath. Next to him Buddy jumped up and sat expectantly across from him, it looked like he was awaiting treats but she knew that it was the puppy's dog of offering silent support. She had needed it enough times in the last months.  "That's - I mean, I'm glad you're back but - Clarke, I need time. I just need time."

"Of course," she replied instantly and provided him a small smile. "I understand that."

And with that Bellamy turned around and left her in the small court yard behind the bookshop. It didn't feel like a rejection, although it had probably sounded and looked like one, but it didn't _feel_ like one because Clarke really, wholeheartedly comprehended him. She understood and she would wait until he was ready. After all, he had done the same for her. 

* * *

The next few days were spent with reorganizing her old apartment and suffering nearly twenty-or-something loud and angry speeches from Raven Reyes about how she was never allowed to leave like that again and all the ways she would torture her if she would even try so much as thinking about pulling something similar like this shit. Afterwards, Clarke tried to buy Raven's forgiveness with take out, Netflix and wine, and obviously, succeeded at that.

Wells on the other hand didn't even blink when she showed up in front of his door, just smiled at her, muttered a "thank god" and let her and Buddy play on his couch, chatting in his living room for the rest of the day. 

All in all, the first days were fine. Coming back to her apartment had been weird, hearing the familiar 'click' of the key sliding into the lock and smelling the almost forgotten scent of old memories and looming ghosts was nigh on bittersweet. That was her home, though, and despite how much it had benefited her to leave, she had missed it quite a lot. 

It was when she was about to go out for a walk with Buddy, dressed in a warm leggings, cozy boots and a thick cardigan, that she straight up ran into the one thing, or rather person, that was still missing deeply in her bones.

"Clarke," Bellamy blurt out, palm steadying her waist since she almost crashed face first into him. "I didn't know - are you going somewhere? I should've called first, _fuck_ , sorry." It were honestly a lot of words that came running out of his mouth, a lot of nervous and hastily spoken words that nonetheless managed to put a giddy smile on her lips. 

"I'm just taking Buddy out for a walk," she explained, nodding towards the  pupper that was tugging impatiently on his leash after all the promises she had made to him about talking a walk. ("We're going for a walk, Buddy! A walk!!! Are you excited, huh, are you? You can meet other woof woofs!!! Buddy, we'RE GOING FOR A WALK!!!!??!") "Why are you here?"

He scratched the back of his neck with a flustered expression splayed out on his face, eyes dancing uncertainly from Clarke to her dog. "I, uh - I actually wanted to tell you something which is.. I had enough time to think. I'm ready. Don't need no more time."

A surprised, but all the more happy smile broke out on her face. "You're sure?" she still asked, not wanting to push him or anything. 

"As sure as I can be."

"Wow.." For a minute she had no idea what to do. Shouting into the heaven and thanking whomever was up there for not making this development unnecessary long and painful, breaking out into a puddle of grateful tears and hugging herself like an embryo, or fist bumping the air all seemed like very interesting, realistic even, options, but not necessarily appropriate ones. So Clarke did the only foolproof thing she was almost 100% sure of and stumbled into him, wrapping her delicate arms around his waist. Now it was her turn to surprise him, and she managed to do that with a powerful, emotional hug. 

"I missed you," she mumbled quietly, the words pressed into the skin on his shoulder. 

He nodded, for a long time just bobbing his head up and down while his grip around her entire torso didn't falter for even a minute. "You too," he told her eventually and her heart swelled up in her chest. 

-

"Okay, I'm ready, really." Clarke placed the cup of coffee on the petit table in front of her and gave Bellamy a look that screamed _resolute, 100-fucking-%-resolute_. "Hit me with it."

He snorted, shaking a head and running a hand through his hair. "Fine. Octavia and Lincoln are moving in," he told her and regarded her with raised brows, expecting her reaction. She nodded firmly, pursing her lips. 

"Okay, that was _not_ unexpected. Everybody saw that coming."

"Miller and Monty are together."

Her jaw snapped open and she gasped loudly. "What? No! No, oh my god, _when_?"

"Geez," he murmured, squinting his eyes in a way that made him look unfairly adorable. "Months ago. On vacation in that beach house, you know which one?"

She remembered the vacation indeed since both of them were supposed to come along, clearly that didn't work out after she just took off, but Clarke didn't mention that. "Yeah, yeah, I know. So how did it happen? Were you there?"

"I was literally forced to go with all of them," he told her, a shadow of scorn glinting in his eyes. Her gaze dropped to her hands. "It was weird, the morning after Monty's birthday Miller just came out of his room, without a word, like nothing had happened and we all played along, pretending that something major didn't happen in there. But Miller got drunk the same evening, and the person he is, he climbed on the table and shouted his declaration of love from the top of his lungs." Clarke couldn't help but to burst out with laughter. "Casually, you know," Bellamy commented with a grin and a shake of the head. 

"Such idiots, took them long enough."

"About two years."

"I wish I would have been there," she said without really thinking about it before it was too late and she realized what kind of meaning these world actually held. Her breathing halted for a few beats. Bellamy regarded her with a hint of sadness in the curves that were barely tugging upwards on the edge of his mouth. 

"You almost were." 

The sigh that came out of her apparently sounded so miserable even Buddy noticed in, bumping his head in her leg and starting to play with it. Despite the emotions coming up, she managed to relax a bit after that. 

"Bellamy -"

"No, it's okay. I had time to -" his fingers were fidgeting with his wallet, while he was searching for words. "- to get over it and I did. I _did_."

"Bellamy, it's not something you can just get over with," she told him with honest eyes. "When I left, I hurt you. Deeply. I realize that now. It's something that will probably be between us for the rest of our lives, just like what happened a- at the hospital, the shooting." She averted her gaze, uttering these words still feeling like a heavy weight in her chest, even after all this time. "I tried to forget by excessive amounts of drinking and smoking, and other unhealthy coping mechanisms, and piece by piece it destroyed me. Now I know better, and trust me when I say this, don't try to hide what it did to you. All denial ever does, is dismantle you from the inside until you become someone you can't recognize, until all you're left with is  toxicity and pain."

He closed his eyes across from her, letting his face plop in his hands. "Is that what you've been doing the last five months?"

"Among other things," Clarke chuckled quietly and offered him a warm smile. "It's not something to get over with, it's something you have to accept and try to live _with_."

A beat. Then. 

"I was miserable when you left," Bellamy admitted. 

For all her fucking peace crap was worth it, it still hurt like a motherfucker to hear him say things like this, to hear him ache. 

"I mean, there was a part of me that understood why you thought you had to do it. I was there when you were falling apart after the shooting so I knew why you left, but the other selfish part of me was miserable. You didn't just leave, you - you left _me_." 

She forced herself to look him in the eye while choosing her next words carefully. "Not that it helps but - when I left I didn't only break your heart. Just so you know, yours was not the only one that was broken that day."

"'m glad the misery was equally divided," Bellamy joked, rolling his eyes and she had to stifle a loud laughter at the morbid sense of humor they, still, shared after all this time. "So you're telling me not to hold back when all of this comes up again?"

"Yes. Talk to me about it, tell me about how you feel instead of repressing it with side remarks and sarcasm," she nodded before giving him a faint smirk. "Although I do hope that it won't last for, like, a life time. That would suck, kinda."

"I guess we'll see." His eyes wandered around the cafe they were sitting in, having went there after a long lasting hug and a slightly awkward tension between them. Then they settled on her, warm and heavy. "So where did you learn all this healthy-stealthy trauma shit?"

She let herself a moment of snickering about his choice of words before answering.

"Roan," Clarke replied, wanting to elaborate but Bellamy chose to arch his brows instead. The sign of jealousy so obvious, and yet so desperately redundant that it made her roll her eyes.  

" _Roan?_ " he echoed.

" _Yes, Roan_ ," she repeated, voice a mix of teasing and exasperation. "Don't worry, he's not into -" she squinted, looking for the right expression. "- any kind of sexual or romantic relationships with people. He's more of the dog type, really."

Bellamy looked comically, and adorably, confused with these dorky glasses sitting on the bridge of his nose and hair tousled into every direction it could possibly stick in. "He's in relationships with dogs?"

"What no, Bell," she laughed, attempting to stifle the emerging image in her head of Roan in a tuxedo giving vows to his corgi. "Not what I meant. He's asexual and aromantic, you know, and he's far more interested in intellectual platonic friendships _and_ all the dogs he has. He literally has a a hundred of them, I'm not kidding. It's a shelter."

"That were you have buddy from?" At the mention of his name, his ears perked up under the shadow of the table and his tail started wagging. It still made Clarke's heart clench. 

"Precisely," she said with a proud smile. Bellamy chuckled at that but didn't press any further, despite the curiosity gleaming in his eye, so Clarke decided to elaborate a bit more by herself. "I overheard Luna once talking about a few of her friends in Nashville, about how they ran these organisations for people with problems and so on. It wasn't my original plan to go there, I didn't even realize it until I was standing in front of their house and knocking at the door. I stayed a while."

He nodded his head, taking her words in and probably letting them run through his head. It was a somewhat strange story, she had to admit, but so was her life in general. 

"It was in the middle of nowhere," she added, voice quiet and reveling in memories. "There was nothing but -" she shrugged with a huff of breathe. "- me."

"It helped you?"

"More than I can express," Clarke answered with a distant expression. "Roan was the one with A+ advises, but there was also a professional therapist that played a big role. You had been right all along."

"Of course I was," he huffed, hiding the sheepish grin tugging at his lips. Then his expression changed somewhat and the gaze landed on the table yet again. "I still go to mine, you know."

It was a bit of surprise to hear this. After all, Bellamy only started seeing a professional because she refused to do it, so, like the person he was, he did it for her. Clarke had thought that he would have stopped after her departure but apparently, she had been wrong. At least something good came out of her stubbornness. 

"That's good, Bellamy." 

Suddenly the watch on her wrist caught her attention and she noticed she would be dangerously late to her IKEA shopping appointment with Raven, and god knew, Clarke didn't want to feel her friend's wrath ever again. "Sadly,I have to run now," she told him, face whipping around to look for a waiter that could take their bill. 

"Coffee's on me princess," Bellamy said. "Don't be late."

"One thing before I go," Clarke said, gathering her entire courage and fixing him with a sincere look. "I'm so grateful that we're talking again and that.. we can start over, perhaps. But - I know that it's not as easy as picking it up where we left off. There were, no, there still _are_ a lot of feelings, Bellamy, but I don't want to pressure you or anything. It's okay if we stay..  friends for now, see how we feel about it. I mean, maybe you have even found somebody when i was away, maybe you're perfectly happy -"

"I didn't."

"You didn't, okay."

"Just friends sounds fine to me," Bellamy smiled. "Until we figure it out."

Clarke nodded eternally grateful for the man in front of her and gave in one last time today, standing up and hugging him awkwardly while he was still in his seat. "See you around, Bell," she murmured into his neck and then hurriedly disappeared from the small show, Buddy trotting happily next to her while she already scrambled for excuses that she could use on Raven. 

* * *

 'See you later' turned out to be a couple of times per week whether it was getting a coffee, or in Bellamy's case tea, together, going to the park with Buddy or hanging out at her place. Her integration back to the gang had been admittedly a task too overwhelming for Clarke so she intentionally opted to not join them at the Dropship or at Jasper and Monty's for the time being; at least not until she felt completely and fully ready. Getting to spend quality- time with Bellamy, easy and without any pressure like unresolved feelings or the recent trauma carved into their bones, was more than enough for her.And aside from him, she also had Raven and Wells, and Buddy, all of them people (and a dog) that managed to conjure a smile on her face at least once a day. So, life was easy, it was good. 

However, Bellamy apparently wanted to change that by bringing her back to the social circle she had acquired through him.

"It's Miller's birthday," he told her with crossed arms. "That's enough reasons for you to come tonight."

She huffed out a frustrated sigh from the floor and let her head drop on the note book, she had been writing in and mumbled, "I don't think I'm ready for that yet."

"You've been back for almost three weeks now," he stated like she wasn't already aware of this particular fact. "Are you planning on avoiding them for the rest of your life?"

" _No_ ," she replied, drawing the words out for dramatic effect. Then she lifted her head to look at where he was standing, leaning against the kitchen bar and peeling an orange. "Besides I texted him. I wished him a happy birthday. I actually text all of them from time to time, I just don't feel like.. seeing them all at once."

Bellamy let out a sigh and then took a few steps towards her, sinking to his feet so that he could sit down next to her. "Are you afraid they will be.. mad at you?"

Her lip was caught between her teeth and suddenly there was a bitter iron taste in her mouth. She had bitten so hard her lip started bleeding. "No. .. okay, yes, maybe." Clarke had to look away from his intent gaze and focused on drawing tiny circles on empty pages over and over. "What if they don't understand why I left? Why I never contacted any of them?"

There was a moment of silence, she could hear him gulp, though. Then he reached over and laid his hand on her free one, the one that wasn't holding a pen. "You trusted _me_ to get it," he said softly. "Why don't you trust them as well?"

That was an easy one.

"But you are -" she swallowed as she looked at him, the way he was gazing gently at her and the kindness in his eyes, god how could she _not_ trust him to understand? "- You are _you_ ," she finished, repressing a tiny smile. "You're _Bellamy_."

"Was that a compliment?"

She rolled her eyes at the smug look on his face along with the arched brow. "Shut up," Clarke mumbled quietly. Then she felt him squeeze her hand reassuringly, making her lift her gaze again. 

"Then _trust_ me that I will be there the whole time, and trust me when I say that they aren't angry or something. They actually miss you, Clarke."

"You can miss someone _and_ be angry at them."

"Well, not in their case," he insisted before making a face that couldn't mean anything good. "Okay, maybe, Octavia is a little pissed."

Clarke winced at the mention of his sister, her heart gaining a faster pace. When they had started seeing each other again, he had told her or rather warned her that Octavia did hold a grudge against her more or less. It was, of course, understandable since he was her brother and Clarke was the person who had broken his heart. She had hoped that she would somehow forgive her over time, but apparently avoiding her wasn't any help. 

"See?! Your sister will go all Chuck Norris on me and bitch slap me into the next universe when she sees me!"

"Don't be so dramatic, princess."

"I'm serious, Bellamy," Clarke whined and rolled around until she was lying on her back and facing the ceiling. "Octavia hates me and everyone else does probably too."

"She doesn't _hate_ you," he said in an exasperated voice. 

"Fine, then she doesn't but she probably wants to punch me." Clarke rubbed her face. "I would do that if somebody else hurt you the way I did."

She heard a tired sigh next to her and pinched herself for bringing that up again. They had been over this many times now, countless conversations and even more apologies later and she still felt the pang of guilt tugging at her heart. But Bellamy had forgiven her, perhaps there was a part of him that was still affected by it but they were working on it, still in the process. 

Bellamy stayed quiet after that, instead mirroring her position on the floor and laying down next to her. 

"It's your decision," he told her eventually. "I'm not gonna force you or anything. Just know that your friends and me would be glad if you came tonight."

God, she fucking hated Bellamy Blake because he was so - kind and understanding, and there was this honesty in his voice and maybe even some sort of leftover love that made her heart squeeze tightly for being so lucky to have him by her side. And fuck, without even having noticed she had already made up her decision. Fucking Bellamy. 

"Fine," she sighed, already shaking her head at herself for being this weak ass person. "But I don't have any presents ready, just so you know."

Bellamy's head shifted so that he was looking at her with a wicked smirk on his face.

"I have just the idea."

- 

Clarke's fingers nervously fumbled around with the sleeve of her sweater, a drop of sweat already building on her forehead even though it was February. The time it took the door to open seemed endlessly long and with every second that passed her heart sped up a notch. God, she was about to faint if somebody - 

A reassuring warmth wrapped around her hand, that was clenched into a firm fist, and she looked up to find Bellamy smiling at her. 

"Breathe," he reminded her and she involuntary let out a big puff of air. "I'm here, you know that."

She gave him a shaky nod and whispered, "thank you" only for his hand to squeeze a bit harder. 

Finally, the door swung open and a seemingly very excited Miller emerged in front of them, a McDonalds crown on his head. "Friends!" he exclaimed happily and spread his arms to wrap them up in a hug. 

Someone had already had a little to drink.

"Clarke, looking fresh," he said after releasing both of them and nodding to her head, or rather the bob with a red streak in it. "I like the haircut."

"Thanks," she managed, still a bit antsy. "I like the crown." Clarke found his drunk state a lot easier to talk to, and hoped inwardly that the rest of the gang was just as tipsy as the birthday king himself. Her esperances were kept high as they made their way to the the kitchen where the main group was, because the music was loud and a few strangers she had never seen before were spread in Miller's bigger apartment. It seemed like the party was already running. 

When they reached the spacious kitchen, that was full of faces she hadn't seen for a long time, Clarke's heart did the thing again and she hopelessly grabbed Bellamy's hand again, holding onto him. The first person that noticed them, noticed _her_ , was Jasper who was sitting on the window ledge. His lips parted in silent surprise, at first, and then a wide grin spread on his face and he called out her name, making everyone else take notice of her too. Monty turned around, Harper, Murphy, and then Octavia, that had been whispering something into her boyfriend's ear. All of them seemed to be a mix of astonished and happy. Well, aside from Octavia whose face was completely blank, no emotions showing. 

"Clarke, you're here," Monty said, the first person to go and talk to her instead of just gawking awkwardly. Behind him Miller wrapped his hands around his waist and buried his face in his neck, a sight that made her want to grin widely.

"I am," she nodded. "I hope that's okay."

She could already feel Bellamy frowning disapprovingly at her, but what Clarke didn't expect was to receive the same glances from the disgustingly cute couple. 

"Of course, it's okay," Monty told her at the same in which Miller declared, "It's _my birthday_ , I would be mad if you _didn't_ come."

That was enough to let herself finally relax, engaging in a conversation with them about what she had been up to recently, telling them about Buddy and his adorable quirks, and in return getting to know that Monty had been promoted at his job and where they were going to travel for a small get-away-birthday-trip. It wasn't awkward at all to talk them again, and she didn't feel like they were treating her differently which was one of the things she had feared when going to the party. The next hour she continued doing exactly that: catching up with her old friends, drinking non-alcoholic cocktails and exchanging a few knowing glances with Bellamy from time to time. He gave her _that I-told-you look_ and she just rolled her yes but couldn't suppress the edges of her mouth tugging upwards into a happy smile.

The blush that covered Miller's cheeks when he received their gift was hilarious as well, making the evening even ten times better. It was a huge bed sheet with two inscriptions on it, the one on the right said 'I'm the little spoon' and the other 'And I'm the little spoon' with two adorable, literal spoons printed under it. Bellamy made a scene of giving Miller the side with the little spoon on it and shoving the other one into Monty's hands, who looked equally flustered. Apperantly Bellamy had once caught them sleeping in those cuddling positions after a night out at Monty's place, hence the gift.

The only thing that still bothered her was Octavia, or thereof the lack of Octavia she had talked to today. Clarke didn't know what was worse, being completely ignored by her aside from numerous cold and narrowed-eyes stares, or Octavia eventually throwing at her all the things that she had accused herself of in the last months. So far, the first one seemed manageable. 

And then suddenly, when the party was at it's peak with everyone being totally drunk, stoned or both, the younger girl approached her while she was getting herself a cup of water. 

"Clarke."

Her sudden proximity startled her, almost letting the cup drop before she caught herself and pressed out a tight smile. "Octavia, hey."

"I wanted to talk to you for a while now," Octavia informed her with a neutral expression. "But this is the first time you're actually alone."

Clarke gulped heavily, her fingers squeezing around the hard material of the cup for support. It already sounded like an accusation, and they weren't even talking about the real thing. 

"Relax, I'm not going to punch you."

_What the hell, did Bellamy tell her what she said about that?_

"Did Bellamy -?"

"No," she frowned before a smirk spread on her face. "You just looked like you were about to piss your pants, but apparently you really were afraid of that. Basically just admitted that."

Pursing her lips in a thin line, Clarke nodded slowly. Then she shrugged. "I wasn't really afraid of that, just figured you were a bit angry with me."

"I was," Octavia admitted bluntly. "I mean, technically my plan was to be still mad at you but -" A sigh came out of her. "- but I saw Bellamy and how happy he looked for the first time in months and the hopeless romantic got a hold of me." 

Without meaning to Clarke released a smile and was flabbergasted to get one back, albeit only a small one. _But_   _Hey, still a start._

"Don't get me wrong here, I am still absolutely pissed at the way you treated him after you left, that you didn't even bother to call or text him at least once. And it still breaks my heart to remember how heartbroken he was the whole time, but from what I've gathered you two have figured it out somehow and I trust both of you enough to deal with that yourself." Clarke nodded, grateful that the girl was able to see that they actually had worked it out between the two of them. "So I dunno. I guess I wanted to say that I'm actually glad that you're back."

"I'm glad you don't hate me," she returned before they both laughed loudly and then fell into each others arms, holding each other for a moment. When Octavia's arms eased around her and she stepped back, she gave her a stern look. 

"But don't you ever do something like this to Bell again, Clarke. For his sake."

"I won't," she promised with a nod. That was a promise she had given herself the moment she had seen him again in that book shop. Never in her life would she able to hurt him like that again. After a beat of glancing contently at each other, Octavia cleared her throat and raised her brows. 

"So are you two, um, like together? Bellamy wasn't able to give me a clear answer."

The plain answer was no, they weren't together, but her heart was telling a somewhat different story. It wasn't such a straight line between them lately, they said they would figure it out and they were still doing that. However, Clarke knew there was growing sensation in her rib cage, blooming like flowers after a long, cold winter, that was becoming less and less easy to ignore every time she was with him. Bellamy and her weren't quite there yet, old wounds still brisk in their hearts but that was part of the healing process and now they were doing that, at least, together.

For once, she had hope. Hope in them. 

"No," she told Octavia but smiled. "We're taking things slow this time." 

* * *

 

 When she had left, Clarke had no idea where to go so she drove as far as she could, careless in which direction or where she would end up. Until her back hurt and her brain tired. She stopped at the nearest motel she found and continued this routine for the next three days. It was stupid because all she got out of it was spending money on gas and time to think. On the fourth day she saw a sign to the illinois airport and instantly knew what to do. 

Clarke flew to Paris where she spent a week in small patisseries, watching and listening to people whose lives weren't upside down. She called her mother in Swiss and told her not to worry. When she was in Germany, she spent an entire day crying in a hotel in Berlin. She didn't know why or what for, but it felt like a relief. The first words she started writing in Florence, Italy, where she also bought a beautiful notebook that inspired her in the first place. It wasn't coherent writing, nothing that was really beautiful or logical but it helped her to breathe so she continued. After she gave in and listened to two voice mails on her phone Clarke bought a plane ticket and returned to the United States. The first one was from Raven who was simultaneously shouting and pleading to at least give her a sign of life. In the background she could hear Luna say something and suddenly she remembered a conversation they once had. It was an intriguing but not thought out idea, however it was the first time she felt something real again. Hope.

The second one was a five minute long voice mail, half of it either silence or drunken sobs. After she heard it, Clarke threw her phone in the trash and cried in the shower. 

Her time in Europe had been an experience but her time back in the States was the thing that glued the broken shells she consisted of together. No way in hell was she whole again or completely healed, Clarke doubted she would ever be again. But it was a start, a start she was deeply grateful for. 

And now, now she was standing in front of the building, the place that had destroyed her in the first place. A few rays of sun were shining on her face, but not even the sun could light up the memories that flooded here when she glanced at St. Raleigh Hospital in front of her. 

She had no idea how long she was already glued to the spot, probably for far too long, but her feet didn't seem to be able to move and her heart wasn't fond of it either. However, there was suddenly a familiar presence next to her and she glanced sideways to find Bellamy casually standing next to her. Clarke gave him a surprised, quizzical look. 

"Still got a fake heart in me," he answered with a shrug. "Still need monthly check ups."

Clarke understood and nodded faintly, not really knowing what to say. She would have laughed at his description of his transplanted heart but somehow it didn't show on her face. Every organ in her body felt like it weighed a ton, every movement, every word felt like it was too hard. 

"You going in?"

Taking a deep breath she shrugged. "I don't know," she said honestly. "I don't even know if I can."

"You know you can take your time, right," he said and gave her a look. "Nobody is pushing you to go back to work."

"I know. It's just.. it's supposed to be part of the healing process. Going back to the place that started it all."

Bellamy was quiet for a moment before he apparently decided to change the subject. "You know, my doctor is still Lexa."

She raised her eyebrows at this slightly odd but interesting information. "She is?"

"Yeah," he nodded and huffed out a laugh. "She has this girlfriend, Costia I think. They're... real saps." 

A smile made it's way on her face, the first one since she arrived here, and she bit her cheek. Clarke was actually very happy for her collegue and former friend. After her fallout with her she had felt quite guilty for basically leading her on using her to get over her 'crush' on Bellamy, but apparently that wasn't needed anymore. Lexa was happy with Costia and that was great news. 

"Apparently I was wrong about her crush on you," Bellamy suddenly said and she repressed a snort. _Now_ he was wrong. 

"You weren't," Clarke informed him with a crooked grin. "She _was_ , in fact, into me but noticed that I was in love with someone else.."

The puzzled and surprised frown on his face would be cute if it wasn't simultaneously tragically sad. How much time they had had, how much potential and how they let all of it burn. They had been ashes before there was ever a flame. 

"That's... unfortunately," he said lamely after a few beats and she gave him a sheepish smile. It was indeed. 

Clarke didn't step into the hospital that day, but she got to go home with Bellamy and watch Life of Pi with him instead so she didn't complain.

* * *

 Two days later Bellamy and Clarke went for a run together, naturally with Buddy tagging along. The air was crisp and fresh, but since their pace was not slow at all she didn't mind. She had thought she had actually approved her condition while she was away, but trying to keep up with Bellamy turned out to be much harder than expected and proved her absolutely wrong. 

Afterwards they went back to her place to relax a little before Bellamy had to go home. She jumped into the shower first and then cuddled into a thick blanket on the couch, her notebook in her lap as she nibbled on a pen. The page in front of her contained her thoughts and fears about going back to the hospital and now that she was reading it, it made her think again. She had to go there eventually, avoiding it for the rest of her life was definitely not an option. At least, not a healthy one. Besides, she had liked her job before the mass shooting. Being a surgeon was a hard job, one that required a fuck ton of mental as physical strength and patience, of course, but she loved helping people; had loved until she became the one who was in need of help. Her fingers absently traced the spot where the bullet had hit... 

"You hungry?"

Her eyes snapped up to Bellamy who was rummaging through her kitchen. Funny, she hadn't even noticed how he came out  of the shower. 

"What?" she asked, a bit confused. 

"I asked if you're hungry," he repeated, now looking at her. She shook her head and directed her gaze back to the pages in front of her. 

_The structures of it's walls are firm and steady but not what is inside_

_Inside are ghosts of the beloved broken wails of the left behind and every crippled promise that we couldn't keep_

_The walls are firm but not it's fragile bones_

_Not what is inside_

Her writing wasn't what she considered beautiful or poetical, it was simply words over words and her trying to make sense of everything. With a final decision in her head she snapped it shut and shifted on the couch so that she could look at Bellamy, who was now sitting on the armchair across from her. 

"Do you think I could ever be a doctor again?"

He lifted his gaze from his laptop and considered his answer for a moment. "Probably. I mean you don't have to be but I think if someone would make it back there, it would be you."

A sheepish smile spread on her face but the subject made her head heavy and all of a sudden she felt the sleeves of fatigue tug at her body. She yawned loudly and shook her head. „God, I'm tired,“ Clarke mumbled, stretching her legs. „I think I need a nap.“

„What, did our little run tire you out?“

Scoffing, she raised her hand to give him her middle finger. „I'm sorry but you didn't have to run like a fucking cheetah was chasing you.“

„Hey, not my fault your legs are so short and can't keep up,“ he chuckled, voice clearly amused when she looked at him like he just offended her entire family.

„My legs are not short! Yours are just too long! I have the perfectly average height, thank you very much.“

„Keep telling that to yourself, smurf princess.“

Clarke gasped loudly in outrage and grabbed the pilow under her head and threw it at him with as much strength as she could bring up. Apparently that was a big mistake by the expression on his face. Bellamy slowly got up looking all alpha male and sinister but before he could do anything she raised a warning finger.

„Don't even think about doing anything,“ she told him, barely managing to keep a grin off her face.

„I know your weakness, Clarke.“

A stern scowl made it's way on her face as she regarded him, heart starting to beat wildly in her chest and it was ambiguous if it was due to what he was about to do or the simple fact that it was Bellamy, and he simply made her pulse accelerate. Perhaps it was both.

„You should know, I'm very good at tickling,“ he informed her cautiously, steadily lowering his hand to her waist but she grasped it firmly.

„Don't you dare, Bellamy Blake.“

„You started it," he simply returned.

„You called me a snurf! How am I the one who -“

Unfortunately, attempting to distract him with useless talk didn't work as he lunged at her without any warning whatsoever, palms flying to her sides and starting to tickle her mercilessly until she was screeching and laughing histerically. Clarke kept trying to shake him off, and kick him away but he was simply too strong and overpowered her completely. „I give up!“ she squealed after an agonizing long minute of ruthless torture. „I give up, okay, you win!“

By the time she declared her defeat, Bellamy was having a fairly comfortable time completely on top of her while they were still somehow laying, and sitting, on the couch. He halted his movements then, although his hands remained firmly around her waist.

„You giving up so quick?“

„Yes, asshole,“ she muttered, rolling her eyes before slapping his chest half heartedly above her. He smirked widely.

„Didn't you learn your lesson, smurf princess?“

Needless to say, the obviously offensive nickname made her want to slap him again, however he effortlessly caught her wrist and gave her a devilish grin. A series of gosebumps emerged on her skin and she exhaled sharply. And then he grabbed her other wrist, pinning her arms above her until she had no room to move them anymore, making her breath hitch and heart go into overdrive.

„At least say you're sorry,“ he demanded, eyes drilling into hers.

Clarke didn't think long about it, not when it felt like it was the most natural thing to do. So she surged upwards, catching him offguard with her lips and she kissed him: kissed him hard 'cause they both knew that they had been wanting to do that for a very long time. The grip on her wrists faltered slightly, but he recovered quickly and kissed right back although he let her take the lead at first. She wiggled her arms and he instantly let go, hands now wandering to steady himself on the couch and touching her waist while her fingers immediately drifted up to his face, tugging him closer until it felt like they were breathing the same air. Clarke sighed happily into the kiss before drawing an inch away, his face still unbelievably close to hers.

„I don't wanna be just friends anymore,“ she whispered breathlessly, looking him in the eye. A palmy smile, that warmed up her heart, appeared on his face.

„We're done figuring things out,“ he agreed with a nod and next thing she knew, he was back pressed up against her with roaming hands and blinding desire in his dilated pupils. Clarke couldn't help but smile against his lips as she pushed her hips up until they were flush against his firm, heat radiating body.

As a matter of course, she wasn't tired anymore.

::

Life with Clarke back in it was.. sweet, like biting into a green apple expecting it to be sour but instead a deliciously sweet flavor delighting your senses. It was good, and healing, and pure and everything the atoms in his body had been craving since the moment she had first smiled at him and he had realized how hard it would be to ever look away. (Granted, it hadn't happened when she really smiled at him for the first time but it had been definitely somewhere along the way.)

When she had come back at first, suddenly standing in front of him with that familiar jittery look and a tulip-colored streak in her new short hair, Bellamy didn't know if it would be that easy again, or if it would be even possible at all. However, after he showed up at her door it was as easy as blinking to fall back into a acquainted routine with her. Listening to stories about her dog while the sky was grey and murky but his insides were radiating rays of peacefullness, bringing Clarke a pastry he bought at the bakery next door and getting to hear her gush about the pastries in France, or working on his next book while she was sleeping on the couch across from him, limbs slightly twitching because of ghosts that were still visiting her in her sleep.

He didn't know how to describe what he felt with words. The roman alphabet and it's plain letters were not enough to even approxiamately explain in what ways it mattered it to him, and how absolute he felt when he was back with her. And it wasn't even the magnitude or the intensity of his emotion, it wasn't like back when he had first kissed her and felt her trembling lips against him or how Clarke looked at him after uttering her true feelings in that elevator. The how was more important than the how much. The manner was more significant than the if.

And when she had kissed him on that couch, her hands pinned above her head, Bellamy realized that despite the way his heart beat in his chest it was tranquility he felt, lips sliding against her porcelain skin. It was peace that roamed his body. Love. He had been his own person before he had met her, as was she, maybe a little worn out down the path, ripped at every edge, with lost souls and broken promises whispering down his neck but he was whole on his own. He would be able to live without her if it came down to it, hell, he had lived without her and suffered through it day by day, and yet, Bellamy determined: it was just so much more beautiful _with_ her.

Long story short that was how he was looking at her right now as she was sitting next to him in the booth. Lovingly, you could say or you could formulate entire paragraphs if that wasn't enough.

„I should go now,“ she sighed sullenly. „My mom's probably already waiting.“

„Why is she here again? I kinda didn't catch that,“ Octavia asked with a curious frown.

Clarke rolled her eyes and huffed out a laugh. „Her official excuse is for mental support when I go back to the hospital,“ she told them and shook her head. „But I'm pretty sure she's here to see her boyfriend who is my, uh, former boss by the way.“

„Nice,“ Monty and Jasper said simultaneously, silently high-fiving each other without even blinking. They were like conjoined twins that had been successfully seperated, two idiots with the same thoughts.

„I can walk you out,“ Bellamy offered, popping a scrabby fry in his mouth and giving her an inquiring look, but she only smiled at him and squeezed his hand under the table.

„No need, stay here and finish your food.“ She nodded to the plate that was still fairly full, and untouched. „I'll see you guys around,“ Clarke said, giving Monty, Jasper, Miller and his sister a warm smile before leaning into Bellamy's space and pecking him briefly on the mouth. It was short and sweet, and he squeezed her wrist reassuringly. _It will go well,_ he wanted to say and hoped that she would get it. _Okay,_ her eyes said as she nodded before standing up and disappearing around the corner.

A loaded silence greeted him when he returned his gaze to the four people in front of him, and a strange feeling told him that there was something he had done... wrong.

„What?“ he barked at his friends' gawking gazes.

„Dude,“ Miller slowly said and gave him an irritated look. „Casual much? Did you somehow forgot to mention that, uhm, you two are... dating?“

_Oh, that was the thing._

His body was frozen on the spot for a whole minute, not really knowing what to say. The last two weeks, after figuring their shit out, had been so blissfull and at the same time ordinary that he, or they, completely forgot to tell their friends. Or maybe Clarke hadn't wanted to, but then again, she wouldn't have kissed him here and now if she had been against them knowing...

„Whatever,“ he mumbled after a painfully long silence, trying to cover the creeping blush on his cheeks and an awkward grin by leaning on his hand and shoving several fries into his mouth.

„Bellamy's in loveee,“ Octavia exclaimed loudly with a sing-song voice, the others breaking out in a laugh while he was sending all of them glares.

„Took you long enough,“ Monty muttered after a sheak of the head like he wasn't in relationship with a dude, he had been in love with for two years.

Jasper was smiling widely before he started glancing around with furrowed brows. „Wait, guys. Who won the bet?“

-

He was awoken by a faint noise next to him, a sound so fragile it broke his heart just hearing it even in his sleep. Bellamy opened his eyes, adjusting in the gloomy room around him at first before he noticed the small figure a few inches away withering in unconsciousness.

„Hey, hey,“ his left hand reached out to shake Clarke's shoulder so that she would wake up from whatever was keeping her so agitated in her sleep. „Clarke, wake up.“

She did so with a loud gasp, surging forwards in bed, and he was instantly there. Bellamy laid his palm on her shoulder, rubbing soothing circles into her skin while he was murmuring gentle words into her ear. It had been just a bad dream, a dream that was over now. She was okay. He was okay. They were both fine and not trapped in a night mare.

After a while Clarke nodded tiredly. „It was just a dream,“ she repeated quietly after him, her breathing still too shallow for his liking.

„You're okay,“ he agreed and brought his lips forward until they were softly grazing against her cold skin, peppering her with feather light kisses. Gradually her pulse slowed down.

„You want to go back to sleep?“

„Uh-uh,“ she nodded and they both leaned back, Clarke turning around so that her head was leaning on his chest. Her fingers started wandering slowly, up and down. Up and down, up and down. She leaned closer and pressed her ear against the spot where his thick, ugly scar was. The place where his old heart had been removed and a new one was inserted.

„I wish I could listen to your heartbeat forever,“ she told him in a strangled whisper that made him frown a bit.

„You can.“

„What if I don't?“ The gap between his brows widened and he touched her face, gently, until she looked him in the eye as he gave her a questioning look.

„It's stupid,“ Clarke replied, averting her gaze and arms grasping tightly around his torso.

„Nothing you say is stupid,“ he retorted firmly.

„Life.. - the last month with you was so good.“ He felt a ragged breath ghost across the skin on his chest. „Every time I think that all is good, something happens.“

Bellamy took his time for an answer, thinking about it thoroughly. In some ways she was right but in others – she couldn't let fear get in the way of living. Bad things would always happen no matter how much you tried to shield yourself. Someone always got hurt in one way or another. In the end, all of them would die anyway. But that was life, and he, for one, decided that he would enjoy as much as he could while he still had the chance – with her.

So he told her and she listened, her heart starting to beat in the same rhytm as his. She fell asleep.

-

The next morning he was woken by tender kisses instead of haunting night mares, he prefered that one much more anyway.

„Good morning, sleepy head,“ Clarke murmured through a smile as she leaned on her elbow. _Gods, what a sight._

„What time is it?“ His voice sounded like he had spent last evening at a rock concert, hoarse and croaky. But she just kept beaming at him, and suddenly he wasn't even sure why it mattered. Everything that mattered was staring right at him with soft blue eyes that resembled the cloudless sky in summer.

„Time to entertain your girlfriend.“

He couldn't repress a snort that came out of him, however his heart still jumped because she had called herself his girlfriend. _Girlfriend_. He could get used to that.

„Hey, don't laugh at me,“ she told him, a dramatic scowl on her face. „I was bored as fuck the last hour when you were still asleep.

He frowned, amused at her bossy voice and the implication that she had spent the last 60 minutes just staring at him. „You were awake for that long and didn't get up?“

„Yes?“ she replied, but made it sound like a question by raising her voice at the end.

„You could have made us breakfast, princess,“ he grumbled jokingly. „Or go for a walk with Bud-“ Due to the lips that were pressed against him, he wasn't able to continue speaking. Quite frankly, it was rude but then again not so much. Clarke, the manipulative princess she was, climbed eagerly on top of him and made his sleep fogged brain go completely blank by grinding her hips against his crotch and biting at his lower lip.

„I didn't want to leave you, is that so bad?“

He shook his head, a hand pulling her face back to him. „I think I can condone it this one time,“ he smirked before kissing her again, longer and deeper like kissing her was the sole purpose of his life. (In that moment, Bellamy really considered the possibility of it being true.)

After his hand wandered to her lower back, squeezing her ass through the short undies she was wearing, Clarke pulled slightly away and thumbed at his jaw softly. She looked like she was mesmerized, even though it should have been the opposite. He should be the one looking mesmerized.

„You know,“ she whispered gently. „I never said it back.“

His brows furrowed on his forehead as he looked up at her, his fingers running the length of her arm up and down. „Never said what back?“

Clarke gulped gravelly before replying. „When you told me you loved me, when you tried to convince me to see a therapist. That day, you told me you love me.“ For a brief moment she remained quiet, lost in thoughts or perhaps memories. Then. „I never said it back.“

Bellamy shook his head, bringing up a hand to sweep a loose strand of hair out of her beautiful face. „You don't have to,“ he told her softly. „It's just words. You, being here with me is more than enough.“ However, she was having none of it (as always), shaking her head and putting a finger on his lips to keep him from talking.

„I want to,“ she said determined. „I want to because I do, I do love you Bellamy. I love you. I love you so much.“

Gods.

His mouth already opened to say something, say it back immediately because he did too, scream it into the void or into the sky or maybe, to the gods above him but her finger remained where it was and she gave him a firm, but warm look.

„I love you, Bellamy Blake,“ she repeated, this time taking her time pronouncing each syllable as perfectly as possible. „And I hate that it took me so long to say it, I hate that I didn't tell you sooner but I love you. _I love you._ “

Bellamy couldn't help the smile splitting his face in two even though her eyes were glistening with tears, wet and small tears but not because she was sad. She was not sad this time. They were not broken.

„ _I love you. Widely. Insanely. And infinitely._ “

„I love you too,“ he finally said when she used her index finger to stroke across his face instead of keeping his mouth shut. „You know, I love you.“

„I know,“ she nodded, pressing out a happy but awe struck smile like he didn't quite believe what was going in. Bellamy realized that he was far more familiar with this feeling than he liked to admit. More often than not his night mares hadn't been the ones where she went away or died in his arms. They consisted of them being  together, happy and peaceful and him having her by her side. And Every time he woke up to an empty bed and a lonely hum in his brain right where her name had used to be.

 _But this is real_ , his brain told him now. _This isn't just a dream._

So he shook his thoughts off and instead looked at this beautiful, messed up but sacred person in front of him. The person he loved.

„Clarke Griffin, I'm the most luckiest man on the planet for having a heart condition and thus getting to meet you.“

Clarke let out a small giggle, shaking her head, before leaning down to kiss him. „Don't say that,“ she told him, face hovering above his own. „But I'm also glad that we were able to meet that way,“ she admitted shortly afterwards and he laughed at her stupid hypocrisy. 

Suddenly a noise came behind them, a loud trotting and before they even grasped what was happening, Buddy jumped on the bed. The dog wagged it's tail excitedly and started licking Bellamy's face, the second one to do that that morning. The two of them groaned in unison, but couldn't help but laugh at the situation.

Gods, how lucky he was to have this kind of life where he woke up to his love smiling at him, getting love declarations before even brushing his teeth and cuddling with her and the dog. Bellamy petted Buddy with a crooked smile before looking at this wonderful person next to him and letting out a relieved breath that he had been holding in for, what felt like, forever.

_::_

Clarke sniffled experimentally at the big pot of mashed vegetables on the stove, humming approvingly when it... didn't smelled like something burnt, which was serious progress for her. After a few minutes of watching the food and getting really bored while doing so, she heard the door open and wasn't surprised when two strong arms curled around her waist a moment later. 

"Whatcha doing," Bellamy murmured into her nick, lips pressing against her skin and letting goosebumbs emerge on the spot. She let her head fall back and huffed out a laugh. 

"What it does it look like, Bell?"

"Well," he started slowly before turning her around and giving her a wide-eyed look. "It looks like you're cooking but you never do that, Clarke so who are you and what have you done to my girlfriend?"

She rolled her eyes, slapping his chest slightly. "Out friends are coming over in an hour," she informed him. "And I wanted to prepare something in advance."

"Such a perfectionist," he remarked with a smirk, stepping to the stove to see the food, but also probably making sure it wasn't poisoned or anything. Now it was her turn to wrap her arms around him and sigh happily as she felt his warmth surround her entire being. The mere touch of him always managed to relax her. 

"What do you think?"

"So far it doesn't look like death yet."

"You're a dick."

"But you love me."

"Yeah," she agreed without hesitating, beaming up at him. "I do."

"And you love my dick."

She let out a loud laugh, grinning at the smug look on his face but Clarke couldn't deny the fact that she loved that part of him, indeed, too. They stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other's touch before a memory popped up in her mind and she chuckled quietly. 

"And you said I never help in the kitchen."

"Mh?" Bellamy turned around so that he was facing her, a curious look in those deep, wallnut colored eyes. 

"You once said that I never help here," she explained with a smirk. "And here we are, one and a half years later and I am making ratatouille." 

His eyes rolled dramatically and he scoffed lightly. "Well, excuse me, Clarke. You make your first proper meal in one and a half years but how dare I say that you don't help?"

"Hey," she scowled. "Rude much?"

"You know I love you, despite your.. lack of cooking skills," he told her and pressed a quick kiss on her lips. 

"I love you too," she echoed and gave him an innocent smile. "Even though you're an ass."

"Shh," he shook his head, touching her lip with his thumb. "I'm not an ass."

Clarke scoffed naturally. "You once told me you would rather die of heart failure than actually mary me." The man in front of her cringed in shame and swiftly looked away, trying to hide it. 

"See?"

"Okay, correction: I am sometimes an ass," he said and eventually glanced back at her. "But a loveable ass." 

Before she was able to agree with him, he suddenly picked her up, and sat her down on a counter, coming to stand between her thighs. Bellamy smirked at her look and then he was already in her space, catching her lips between his and knocking the breath out of her with the way he kissed her. 

"And an ass that can make your breath stop," he murmured proudly after pulling away. She had to roll her eyes but couldn't stop herself from smiling sheepishly. 

"So how was the meeting? Did he like the draft?"

"I guess so," Bellamy shrugged, giving her another peck on the lips. "He said he would call me, so we'll see." Her eyebrow arched slightly at the way he was glancing at her, clearly meaning to tell her something else but for some reason hesitating. She waited. "I, uh, saw Gina."

"Gina?" Now her eyebrow was raised as she gave him a curious look. 

"Yeah, apparently she transitioned into the company that published my first book."

"How is she doing?"

"Fine, I think. We didn't talk for long because she had a client or something."

"Huh," Clarke huffed and nodded. There was a question forming in her throat but she wasn't sure about asking it. However, the sincerity in his gaze told her that there was nothing she couldn't ask so she gulped and asked. 

"I've always wanted to know but this is the first time it kinda doesn't seem off-topic. Why did you two break things off then?"

"I - when your father died and we were in Washington for the funeral.. I kinda realized my feelings to you weren't platonic at all and I mean, dating someone while being in love with someone else is a pretty shitty thing to do so I broke up with her, but I think she noticed even beforehand." Clarke gave him a comprehensive and yet somewhat sad look. "There was always something between us, at least from my side but it didn't stand out to me until that time, you know. And it was unfair to Gina, to use her like that."

"I hope she wasn't too hurt by that," Clarke said absently. 

"Nah, we ended it in a good place and besides, she's not the petty kind of person."

"That's good." She lifted her arms to wrap them around his neck and did the same with her legs around his torso. "So that was when it.. started for you?"

"More or less," he told her while peppering her neck with tiny kisses. "The first time I became really aware of it was when you slept with that chick and brought her home with you."

She raised a surprised eyebrow, giving him an amused look. "Niylah?"

"Yeah."

"Huh," she chuckled and sighed happily when he nibbled at her skin, roaming her hands through the mop of curls on his head. "You were such a dick to her."

"I know," he replied, halting his kissing and hiding his face in her shoulder for a moment. "I'm still ashamed of that."

Clarke smirked. "Good."

"You should be supporting me," he mumbled against her skin and she laughed. 

"As your girlfriend, it's also my duty to call you out on your shit which I am currently doing." 

He didn't disagree at that, just went back to giving her neck lovely attention until the teasing got out of control and they played the game of how many times they were able to make each other come before the food burned off and the guests arrived.

(It was 3:2 for Bellamy)

When their friends came slowly barging in one by one, the pair was looking all tidied up again and on their best behaviour. The evening's food theme was hungarian and a lot of interesting and delicious dishes were made along with the usual beverages, beer, wine and juice for the abstaining people like Clarke. That day they decided to eat at a big table instead of in the living room, because apparently there were news to be announced and since Octavia and Lincoln were about to fly away for a month, they all wanted to catch up and talk rather than watch Netflix. So they scrambled around the table, everyone sitting on whatever chair they were able to find and passing food, chatting and enjoying the time. 

"So," Raven spoke up after everyone was already on their second plate. She looked at Luna, who was sitting next to her and smiled giddily, before she looked back at the round. "Luna and me wanted to share some news with you folks."

"Oh my god, you're pregnant," Jasper exlaimed with wide eyes and everyone groaned at the table. 

"No, Jasper that's not what's happening," Raven said with an irritated shake of the head. "But we're moving in together and not only that, but we're moving into this building, Clarke."

Her mouth snapped open and she eyed her friend with shock. "Are you telling me we're gonna be neighbours?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying."

"Oh my god, congrats! Fuck, I mean I'm happy you two are moving together but I'm more excited about you moving here right now!"

The two of them started exchanging plans for their future door-to-door life while everyone else went back to their previous conversations after wishing the couple congratulations. Jasper was talking about his one year anniversary with Maya, Miller telling another one of his badass cop stories and Harper was swonning over a cute co-worker named Monroe. It was all messy, and loud but so was life and life was pretty good right now. 

"So how's the clinic?" Raven asked after they finished planning their neighbour sheenanigans, refering to her current job as a doctor, not a surgeon, at a non-profitable clinic for the people that couldn't afford hospital bills. 

"Actually, pretty good," she said, shoving a leaf of salad into her mouth. "I mean, it's hard sometimes and really tiring but still good."

"She works too much," Bellamy mumbled  grumpily from her side and Clarke was quick to respond by shaking her head enthusiastically. 

"Am not."

"Liar," he told her with his mouth full of food and a put on disgruntled expression for dramatic effect, as he liked to call it. 

The bread she wanted was too far away so she nudged Bellamy and he reached over and passed it to her, Clarke happily biting into it. She fucking loved bread. "You're just not used to people actually working," she quipped after one or two pieces. "Not everyone can sit at home all day, be a nerd and earn money through that."

"You're literally getting bread crumbs for that job, Clarke, it's non profit. You're just too good for the world."

"But that's why you love me."

"I would love you more if I saw you more than once a week again," he grumbled and yet still leaned in to her when she gave him a kiss and promised to make up for all the lost time. 

"Ugh," Raven groaned upon listening to their whole interaction and shooting Miller a look. "Are they always like that?"

The soon to be detective nodded gravelly. "It never stops."

"Get a room you two," Octavia yelled from the other side of the table and everyone else cheered loudly, making Clarke question why she had invited them in the first place. "And Bell, you're literally the biggest sap ever," the younger Blake sibling added with a smug smirk on her face. 

"But everyone already knew that," Murphy commented from the side, earning a glare from Bellamy. 

"I figure Emori hasn't taught you manners yet?"

"Fuck off, Blake."

Someone lunged into another story about that one time Clarke didn't let him out of her sight an entire week when he had slight fever and she was immediately scared of a heart rejection. However, Clarke tuned out at some point, her entire focus landing on just one person that lit up the room with a crooked grin and tousled curls. Yep, life was pretty good lately, especially with that one significant human being.

"At least we have each other, babe," Bellamy shrugged, and yeah. 

_And there he was._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good gods. What an adventure writing this fic. It was definitely a personal achievement bc 1. i actually finished it omg 2. its like 120 k words WHATTT and 3. I feel like I learned sooo much while writing it. The story was definitely about falling apart and piecing yourself back together with the help pf CHEESY&DORKY LOVE!!! I hope u liked the ending, and the story in general, and I'd be eternally grateful if u recommended it to some of ur friends or mutuals :) And of course, I want to thank every person that took their time to comment on every chapter (I will literally love you forever peeps) and leave me their thoughts and emotions, seriously you guys were the reason why I actually managed to finish this huge ass fic. SO THANK YOU!!! And of course, thanks to every one else who left kudos or bookmarks!  
>  This is the last chapter buuut I might or might not post an epilogue sometime? I still have to make up my mind on it but let me know if you'd be interested or shoot me an ask on
> 
> [tumblr](http://iseeyoou.tumblr.com/)
> 
> ! Otherwise, I would be happy if you suscribed to me since I already have lots of other ideas for future fics and would be happy to have all of you as my readers again!
> 
> Until then, lots of love and an angst-free time!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it and if you did make sure to leave kudos and a comment because that shit honestly makes my day and keeps me motivated!


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